Chapter 13
The curious laundry incident: God tells Jeremiah to put on, depending on your translation: a linen belt, girdle, waist cloth or loin cloth. Then he tells him to go to the banks of the Euphrates and hide it under a rock. A few days later, he tells him to go and retrieve the garment and, quelle surprise! It's filthy. I cannot tell you how shocked I am that a piece of cloth worn for several days by a person who doesn't know about toilet paper, then left under a rock next to a river for a week would get dirty. Apparently this miracle is a metaphor for what god is planning to do to the Israelites.
How his exact plan is related to the dirty laundry is mysterious: what he's going to do is get them all drunk, then start a fight between fathers and sons. Again, I'm not seeing what's divine about this. I mean, I've seen drunk people come to blows about who was next in line for a bank machine, and although god's name was invoked, I'm pretty sure he didn't have much of a role in it.
All this punishment is coming because the Israelites have been so bad and unfaithful. And then it turns out that one of the most famous lines of the bible is not quite as you remember it, and possibly racist to boot: Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? (v. 23) Clearly they were not anticipating Michael Jackson.
Chapter 14
There is a drought so bad it's turning donkeys into dragons. So they start praying to god. But Jeremiah is there to tell them that their praying and fasting and sacrificing is having no effect and god is going to kill them with swords, plague and famine. When Jeremiah points out that the prophets have said god promised peace, god vows to unleash the same wrath on them.
Chapter 15
God is really going to follow through on his threats this time, and not even the pleas of Moses or Samuel will change his mind. And why is he going to kill his people with swords, famine, enslavement, dogs, beasts and birds? Well, because of something Manasseh the son of Hezekiah king of Judah, for that which he did in Jerusalem (v. 4). I didn't have any idea what Manasseh did either, but Wikipedia reminds me that he reinstituted pagan worship.
More threats: infertility, more widows than sand, young men struck down at noon. The rest will be attacked and enslaved. But all this can be reversed if they just repent!
Showing posts with label Samuel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Samuel. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 22-24
Chapter 22
David, apparently on his deathbed, although he'll be around for several more books, sings a song. Sadly, the bible does not give the tune. Among the highlights: god flies around on cherubs, which are not the winged babies we think of, but winged creatures with the face of a lion, ox, griffon vulture or man. David thinks pretty highly of himself, it seems, for he claims god has rewarded him according to his righteousness and the cleanliness of his hands. He's also full of self-praise for his battle victories and his ability to stamp his enemies as the mire of the street (v. 43). As depicted in Lego, click here.
Chapter 23
David is tired of deathbed songs, and is now making his deathbed speech. He urges the next ruler to be just, and must fight the men of Belial (a rival god) with iron spears. We then get a listing of David's strong men and their feats. Some of the most impressive: Adino the Enzite, who slew 800 men with his spear and Shammah, who killed a bunch of Philistines in a bean field.
Another curious incident is recounted: one time, David was super thirsty and three of his men broke through the enemy's lines to draw water from a well for him, but then he didn't even drink it! He just poured it on the ground for god.
More strong men: Benaiah killed two lionlike men of Moab (v. 20) and an actual lion in a pit. Oddly, the strongest of his strong men, the man David Plotz likens to David's own Donald Rumsfeld, Joab, is only mentioned as being the brother of some of David's other generals. So much for being a vicious infighter.
Chapter 24
Apparently we're time-travelling. At some point in his reign, god gets angry and commands David to take a census. No, that is not what normal gods do when they get angry. I wonder if this is what Michelle Bachman uses to justify her own irrational hatred of the census? Joab protests, but is overridden and goes out to count the people. Nine months later, he comes back to report that there are 800 000 battle-ready men in Israel, of whom 500 000 are Judahites.
David sees the error of his ways, even if the rest of us don't, and begs the lord for forgiveness. Gad the prophet approaches and tells him he can choose his punishment: seven years of famine, 3 months of losing battles to his enemies or three days of pestilence. David opts for the pestilence, which kills 70 000 people in 3 days. That must have been... smelly.
But wait! Just as the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, god forgives the Israelites. David pleads for their lives and gets his answer again from Gad. Gad tells him to go make an altar on a threshing floor. So David goes, and when the farmer sees him he asks what he's doing. The farmer offers his own oxen as sacrifice and his threshing instruments for kindling. David insists on buying it all, then has a nice little barbecue which somehow ends the plague.
David, apparently on his deathbed, although he'll be around for several more books, sings a song. Sadly, the bible does not give the tune. Among the highlights: god flies around on cherubs, which are not the winged babies we think of, but winged creatures with the face of a lion, ox, griffon vulture or man. David thinks pretty highly of himself, it seems, for he claims god has rewarded him according to his righteousness and the cleanliness of his hands. He's also full of self-praise for his battle victories and his ability to stamp his enemies as the mire of the street (v. 43). As depicted in Lego, click here.
Chapter 23
David is tired of deathbed songs, and is now making his deathbed speech. He urges the next ruler to be just, and must fight the men of Belial (a rival god) with iron spears. We then get a listing of David's strong men and their feats. Some of the most impressive: Adino the Enzite, who slew 800 men with his spear and Shammah, who killed a bunch of Philistines in a bean field.
Another curious incident is recounted: one time, David was super thirsty and three of his men broke through the enemy's lines to draw water from a well for him, but then he didn't even drink it! He just poured it on the ground for god.
More strong men: Benaiah killed two lionlike men of Moab (v. 20) and an actual lion in a pit. Oddly, the strongest of his strong men, the man David Plotz likens to David's own Donald Rumsfeld, Joab, is only mentioned as being the brother of some of David's other generals. So much for being a vicious infighter.
Chapter 24
Apparently we're time-travelling. At some point in his reign, god gets angry and commands David to take a census. No, that is not what normal gods do when they get angry. I wonder if this is what Michelle Bachman uses to justify her own irrational hatred of the census? Joab protests, but is overridden and goes out to count the people. Nine months later, he comes back to report that there are 800 000 battle-ready men in Israel, of whom 500 000 are Judahites.
David sees the error of his ways, even if the rest of us don't, and begs the lord for forgiveness. Gad the prophet approaches and tells him he can choose his punishment: seven years of famine, 3 months of losing battles to his enemies or three days of pestilence. David opts for the pestilence, which kills 70 000 people in 3 days. That must have been... smelly.
But wait! Just as the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, god forgives the Israelites. David pleads for their lives and gets his answer again from Gad. Gad tells him to go make an altar on a threshing floor. So David goes, and when the farmer sees him he asks what he's doing. The farmer offers his own oxen as sacrifice and his threshing instruments for kindling. David insists on buying it all, then has a nice little barbecue which somehow ends the plague.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 20
David hasn't been doling out his political patronage very judiciously, favouring the Judahites, and the other tribes are itching for their fair share. Sheba, a Benjaminite, raises an army, which camps out together, possibly in his garden.
David meanwhile, deals with the 10 concubines Absalom slept with in chapter 16. He locks them up in a house, where they will have food, but will live as widows (ie no more sex). That taken care of, he orders his servant Amasa to gather the men of Judah there within three days.
Amasa takes his sweet time, so David tasks another servant, Abishai, with the task. Then he orders them to go after Sheba. Joab and Amasa go off together. As they're riding along, Joab's sword 'falls out' of its holster. He picks it up, then holds Amasa by the beard as if to kiss him then stabs him viciously in the fifth rib (v. 10). Then Joab and Abishai continue along together.
The people are not impressed by this little act of barbarianism, and after they pull Amasa off the highway and bury him, go off to join Sheba.
Joab's men catch up to Sheba in the town of Abel, which is walled. An Abelite woman asks to speak to Joab. She asks him why he's besieging her city. He says he isn't, he's just trying to get Sheba. She promises to throw Sheba's head over the wall. She goes back into the city and soon the head comes sailing over the wall. True to his word, Joab leaves.
The chapter leaves with a listing of David's chief bureaucrats.
David meanwhile, deals with the 10 concubines Absalom slept with in chapter 16. He locks them up in a house, where they will have food, but will live as widows (ie no more sex). That taken care of, he orders his servant Amasa to gather the men of Judah there within three days.
Amasa takes his sweet time, so David tasks another servant, Abishai, with the task. Then he orders them to go after Sheba. Joab and Amasa go off together. As they're riding along, Joab's sword 'falls out' of its holster. He picks it up, then holds Amasa by the beard as if to kiss him then stabs him viciously in the fifth rib (v. 10). Then Joab and Abishai continue along together.
The people are not impressed by this little act of barbarianism, and after they pull Amasa off the highway and bury him, go off to join Sheba.
Joab's men catch up to Sheba in the town of Abel, which is walled. An Abelite woman asks to speak to Joab. She asks him why he's besieging her city. He says he isn't, he's just trying to get Sheba. She promises to throw Sheba's head over the wall. She goes back into the city and soon the head comes sailing over the wall. True to his word, Joab leaves.
The chapter leaves with a listing of David's chief bureaucrats.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
2 Samuel Chapters 18 & 19
Chapter 18
David's army is back in the thousands rather than the 600 he's been running around with for most of his story. His people beg him not to go and fight Absalom so he sends his generals instead, with orders not to kill Absalom.
The battle takes place in a forest, and 20 000 men die, approximately the same number of military deaths as on D-Day. The forest must share some properties with the island in The Life of Pi, because the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured (v. 8). Even Absalom is a victim. He's riding along on his mule when suddenly his head gets caught in a tree branch and he ends up hanging there, comically, by the neck.
Someone sees this, and when he picks himself up from laughing on the ground, he goes and tells Joab about it. Joab rebukes him for not smiting Absalom against David's orders, then goes and thrusts three either daggers, darts or javelins through Absalom's heart, depending which translation you're reading. Ten of his men witness this barbary and get in on the act, killing him again some more. Then they throw him very unceremoniously into a pit and cover his body with stones. This is somehow humiliating.
In a non-sequitur, we are told that Absalom had erected a pillar in honour of himself, because he had no son. Never mind that period of intensive reproduction when he was locked in his house and fathered no less than 4 kids in 2 years.
Then there's a weird dispute over who's going to tell David that his son is dead. Eventually they both leave. David sees them approaching from different directions. The first one doesn't have any news about Absalom, so David asks the second, who tells him his son is dead. This leads to David's famous lament: O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son! (v. 33)
Chapter 19
David is grieving dramatically, as is his style. Joab is disgusted and points out that the king loves his enemies more than his friends, because he doubts he'd be carrying on like this if his entire army had died and Absalom had lived. He tells him to get outside and give comfort to his people or they'll all abandon him. David goes, but this produces further confusion.
David calls for the priests and asks them to bring everyone together. They invite him back to Israel. Shimei, the stone-thrower from a couple of chapters ago, apologises to the king. Mephibosheth, Saul's son is next. David magnanimously gives him some land. An 80 year old man, Barzillai, escorts David and is invited to dinner. But Barzillai is a crotchety old man and only wants to go home. Why show up, then?
As David arrives, a dispute immediately arises between the tribe of Judah and the others over who owns more of the king.
David's army is back in the thousands rather than the 600 he's been running around with for most of his story. His people beg him not to go and fight Absalom so he sends his generals instead, with orders not to kill Absalom.
The battle takes place in a forest, and 20 000 men die, approximately the same number of military deaths as on D-Day. The forest must share some properties with the island in The Life of Pi, because the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured (v. 8). Even Absalom is a victim. He's riding along on his mule when suddenly his head gets caught in a tree branch and he ends up hanging there, comically, by the neck.
Someone sees this, and when he picks himself up from laughing on the ground, he goes and tells Joab about it. Joab rebukes him for not smiting Absalom against David's orders, then goes and thrusts three either daggers, darts or javelins through Absalom's heart, depending which translation you're reading. Ten of his men witness this barbary and get in on the act, killing him again some more. Then they throw him very unceremoniously into a pit and cover his body with stones. This is somehow humiliating.
In a non-sequitur, we are told that Absalom had erected a pillar in honour of himself, because he had no son. Never mind that period of intensive reproduction when he was locked in his house and fathered no less than 4 kids in 2 years.
Then there's a weird dispute over who's going to tell David that his son is dead. Eventually they both leave. David sees them approaching from different directions. The first one doesn't have any news about Absalom, so David asks the second, who tells him his son is dead. This leads to David's famous lament: O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son! (v. 33)
Chapter 19
David is grieving dramatically, as is his style. Joab is disgusted and points out that the king loves his enemies more than his friends, because he doubts he'd be carrying on like this if his entire army had died and Absalom had lived. He tells him to get outside and give comfort to his people or they'll all abandon him. David goes, but this produces further confusion.
David calls for the priests and asks them to bring everyone together. They invite him back to Israel. Shimei, the stone-thrower from a couple of chapters ago, apologises to the king. Mephibosheth, Saul's son is next. David magnanimously gives him some land. An 80 year old man, Barzillai, escorts David and is invited to dinner. But Barzillai is a crotchety old man and only wants to go home. Why show up, then?
As David arrives, a dispute immediately arises between the tribe of Judah and the others over who owns more of the king.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 16 & 17
Chapter 16
David is riding and is intercepted by Ziba, a servant of Mephibosheth, Saul's grandson. Ziba has provisions and asses for David. David asks where his master is, and Ziba informs him he went to Jerusalem in hopes of getting his kingdom back. David tells him he shouldn't steal from his master and rides on.
The next person he encounters is Shimei, another member of Saul's clans. He curses at David and throws stones at him. One of David's men wants to go and punish him, but David is still wallowing in his own misery and refuses. Shimei follows, cursing and hurling stones, as David rides away.
Meanwhile, Absalom is in Jerusalem. One of David's old followers comes to him and offers praise. He asks why he didn't leave with David, and the friend says god has chosen Absalom.
Absalom asks one of his advisors, Ahithophel what to do next. Ahithophel tells him to have sex with his father's concubines, as predicted in chapter 11.
Chapter 17
Ahithophel asks Absalom for 12 000 men to pursue David with. That's overkill, isn't it? I mean, David only has 600 men with him and ran away from a guy throwing rocks. Anyway, Ahithophel promises to only kill David and to return his people to the fold. Absalom likes that plan, but wants a second opinion, so he calls on another advisor, Hushai. Hushai thinks he should wait, because David is still pissed off and dangerous. So dangerous he runs from rock-throwers. This is some bad advice, my friends.
Hushai also advises that he should go himself when the time comes and kill everyone with David. Furthermore, if David takes refuge in a city, they should destroy it utterly. Everyone agrees with Hushai, which is all part of god's plan to wreak evil on Absalom.
Hushai tells the priests to send messengers to David and tell him to get himself to a city. A boy sees them and sends word back to Absalom. Poor David has to hid in a well, a la Saddam Hussein in his spider hole. Absalom's servants, oddly less of a crack team than the US Army, fail to find him and move on. David escapes into Jordan, where he is well-received.
Ahithophel, finding his advice isn't followed, goes home and dies, which seems somewhat dramatic.
Absalom follows his father over the Jordan river into Gilead.
David is riding and is intercepted by Ziba, a servant of Mephibosheth, Saul's grandson. Ziba has provisions and asses for David. David asks where his master is, and Ziba informs him he went to Jerusalem in hopes of getting his kingdom back. David tells him he shouldn't steal from his master and rides on.
The next person he encounters is Shimei, another member of Saul's clans. He curses at David and throws stones at him. One of David's men wants to go and punish him, but David is still wallowing in his own misery and refuses. Shimei follows, cursing and hurling stones, as David rides away.
Meanwhile, Absalom is in Jerusalem. One of David's old followers comes to him and offers praise. He asks why he didn't leave with David, and the friend says god has chosen Absalom.
Absalom asks one of his advisors, Ahithophel what to do next. Ahithophel tells him to have sex with his father's concubines, as predicted in chapter 11.
Chapter 17
Ahithophel asks Absalom for 12 000 men to pursue David with. That's overkill, isn't it? I mean, David only has 600 men with him and ran away from a guy throwing rocks. Anyway, Ahithophel promises to only kill David and to return his people to the fold. Absalom likes that plan, but wants a second opinion, so he calls on another advisor, Hushai. Hushai thinks he should wait, because David is still pissed off and dangerous. So dangerous he runs from rock-throwers. This is some bad advice, my friends.
Hushai also advises that he should go himself when the time comes and kill everyone with David. Furthermore, if David takes refuge in a city, they should destroy it utterly. Everyone agrees with Hushai, which is all part of god's plan to wreak evil on Absalom.
Hushai tells the priests to send messengers to David and tell him to get himself to a city. A boy sees them and sends word back to Absalom. Poor David has to hid in a well, a la Saddam Hussein in his spider hole. Absalom's servants, oddly less of a crack team than the US Army, fail to find him and move on. David escapes into Jordan, where he is well-received.
Ahithophel, finding his advice isn't followed, goes home and dies, which seems somewhat dramatic.
Absalom follows his father over the Jordan river into Gilead.
Monday, June 14, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 15
Absalom starts his campaign to undermine his father by parking his chariots outside the city gates and intercepting anyone coming to David to solve disputes and telling them he's the only magistrate available. He gradually gets the entire nation behind him with his sound judgements.
After 40 years of this, Absalom tells his father he vowed to return to Hebron at some point, and he thinks now's the time. While he's in transit, he sends his men around to say that when the trumpets sound, Absalom is king.
Finally, one of David's men hears about it and warns him. He flees, leaving his 10 concubines behind, but taking his 600 most loyal followers. We get a couple of scenes of David having heartbreaking conversations with his followers, sending them back and telling the bearers of the Ark of the Covenant to go back to the city lest god think him disloyal.
At one point he goes up a mountain to pray, and one of his followers begs him to go back to the city and ask to be Absalom's servant.
After 40 years of this, Absalom tells his father he vowed to return to Hebron at some point, and he thinks now's the time. While he's in transit, he sends his men around to say that when the trumpets sound, Absalom is king.
Finally, one of David's men hears about it and warns him. He flees, leaving his 10 concubines behind, but taking his 600 most loyal followers. We get a couple of scenes of David having heartbreaking conversations with his followers, sending them back and telling the bearers of the Ark of the Covenant to go back to the city lest god think him disloyal.
At one point he goes up a mountain to pray, and one of his followers begs him to go back to the city and ask to be Absalom's servant.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 14
Joab notices that David is missing Absalom. He bribes an old woman to dress herself in mourning and pretend to be grieving, and tells her to repeat another parable. I think David really likes it when people sit down and tell him bedtime stories.
So she goes to him and throws herself at his feet. He asks what's wrong and she tells him her two sons fought and one killed the other, and now her neighbours are harrassing her to turn over the surviving son for punishment, only she doesn't want to because then she won't have any children left. David sends her home and tells her not to worry about what her neighbours are saying, because he absolves her son. Before she leaves, she asks if she can just say one more thing. He agrees, and she asks why he'll forgive her son, but not his own. D'oh!
David thinks about it for a second and finally asks her if Joab put her up to it. She confesses that he did. David calls for Joab and asks him to bring Absalom home, but still won't look at him face to face.
We then get a couple of verses praising Absalom's physical beauty. Apparently he has very thick, luxurious hair that he only cuts once a year. We also find out that he uses his time under house arrest productively, fathering three sons and a daughter in two years. Yup, he's also a polygamist. He names the daughter Tamar, and she's also beautiful.
Eventually Absalom gets tired of waiting for his father to summon him, so he summons Joab, who ignores him. This goes on for a while, but fortunately Absalom is a sociopath, so when he gets frustrated, he sets Joab's barley field on fire to get his attention. It is effective, and Joab shows up all grumbly, but finally agrees to set up a meeting with David.
So she goes to him and throws herself at his feet. He asks what's wrong and she tells him her two sons fought and one killed the other, and now her neighbours are harrassing her to turn over the surviving son for punishment, only she doesn't want to because then she won't have any children left. David sends her home and tells her not to worry about what her neighbours are saying, because he absolves her son. Before she leaves, she asks if she can just say one more thing. He agrees, and she asks why he'll forgive her son, but not his own. D'oh!
David thinks about it for a second and finally asks her if Joab put her up to it. She confesses that he did. David calls for Joab and asks him to bring Absalom home, but still won't look at him face to face.
We then get a couple of verses praising Absalom's physical beauty. Apparently he has very thick, luxurious hair that he only cuts once a year. We also find out that he uses his time under house arrest productively, fathering three sons and a daughter in two years. Yup, he's also a polygamist. He names the daughter Tamar, and she's also beautiful.
Eventually Absalom gets tired of waiting for his father to summon him, so he summons Joab, who ignores him. This goes on for a while, but fortunately Absalom is a sociopath, so when he gets frustrated, he sets Joab's barley field on fire to get his attention. It is effective, and Joab shows up all grumbly, but finally agrees to set up a meeting with David.
Monday, June 7, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 13
The inspiration for Faulkner's novel Absalom, Absalom!, which I have not read yet because I am still intimidated by his writing, having failed to even get through the first chapter of The Sound and the Fury.
It's also an incest story. I complained recently about incest in modern fiction, forgetting, apparently, Abraham's 'she's my sister' ruse, Lot's daughters, Judah and Tamar, and no doubt many more tales of forbidden love in the holy book.
So, the biblical Absalom is one of David's sons. He has a full sister named Tamar, who is beautiful. Amnon, David's oldest son, is in love with Tamar, but can't think of a way to get her alone. He confides in his friend Jonadab, who tells him to play sick and ask his father to send Tamar to nurse him.
Tamar comes in obediently, and as she's making the cakes, he sends all the servants out of the room. As she goes to feed him, he grabs her wrist and tries to pull her into the bed. She protests Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. (v. 12) He doesn't listen. She tries another tack: begging him to ask David for her hand in marriage. Gross. Also forbidden in Leviticus. That doesn't work either and he rapes her.
Having established his dominance over her, Amnon is seized with a feeling of loathing and he kicks her out. She points out that this is more shameful than raping her, but he isn't listening again. He has his servant lock her outside.
She's wearing a multi-coloured garment, the same kind as Joseph used to wear in Genesis, and she rends it and pours ashes over herself while crying. Absalom somehow notices that something is wrong, and puts two and two together. He tells her not to worry and gives her sanctuary in his house.
David, meanwhile, has heard the story and is angry, but doesn't punish Amnon because he's the oldest. Absalom seethes silently and stops speaking to his brother. He bides his time for two years, until there's a harvest festival in another town. He invites all of his brothers, but David refuses. Absalom begs him to send Amnon, then. He instructs his servants to kill him once he's drunk. The others flee.
David is upset, but Jonadab explains only Amnon is dead because of what he did to Tamar. Absalom has fled into neighbouring Geshur, where he's taken refuge in the king's house. The other sons return shortly, though David misses Absalom.
It's also an incest story. I complained recently about incest in modern fiction, forgetting, apparently, Abraham's 'she's my sister' ruse, Lot's daughters, Judah and Tamar, and no doubt many more tales of forbidden love in the holy book.
So, the biblical Absalom is one of David's sons. He has a full sister named Tamar, who is beautiful. Amnon, David's oldest son, is in love with Tamar, but can't think of a way to get her alone. He confides in his friend Jonadab, who tells him to play sick and ask his father to send Tamar to nurse him.
Tamar comes in obediently, and as she's making the cakes, he sends all the servants out of the room. As she goes to feed him, he grabs her wrist and tries to pull her into the bed. She protests Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. (v. 12) He doesn't listen. She tries another tack: begging him to ask David for her hand in marriage. Gross. Also forbidden in Leviticus. That doesn't work either and he rapes her.
Having established his dominance over her, Amnon is seized with a feeling of loathing and he kicks her out. She points out that this is more shameful than raping her, but he isn't listening again. He has his servant lock her outside.
She's wearing a multi-coloured garment, the same kind as Joseph used to wear in Genesis, and she rends it and pours ashes over herself while crying. Absalom somehow notices that something is wrong, and puts two and two together. He tells her not to worry and gives her sanctuary in his house.
David, meanwhile, has heard the story and is angry, but doesn't punish Amnon because he's the oldest. Absalom seethes silently and stops speaking to his brother. He bides his time for two years, until there's a harvest festival in another town. He invites all of his brothers, but David refuses. Absalom begs him to send Amnon, then. He instructs his servants to kill him once he's drunk. The others flee.
David is upset, but Jonadab explains only Amnon is dead because of what he did to Tamar. Absalom has fled into neighbouring Geshur, where he's taken refuge in the king's house. The other sons return shortly, though David misses Absalom.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 12
Nathan the prophet comes to David with the news about two men who live in the town: one rich, one poor. The poor man had a lamb that he raised as one of his own children, not unlike many pet owners today. A traveller came to town recently and stayed with the rich man, who, rather than feeding him one of his own flock, killed the poor man's lamb.
David, clearly not a Republican, is incensed, and orders the poor man's flock restored fourfold. But wait! It's a parable! Nathan points out that David is the rich man, because of this whole Bathsheba incident. His punishment will be to have his wives taken away and given to his neighbour, who will then publicly consummate the marriages.
David is contrite, but Nathan says god has already forgiven him, but his son is going to die. Well, that seems fair. Lo and behold, the boy Bathsheba was pregnant with in the last chapter is sickly and no amount of praying and fasting can save it. It dies after a week.
David gets up then and washes, prays and takes food again. David points out that now that the kid is dead, there's no point hastening his own demise. He even starts having sex with Bathsheba again, resulting in Solomon. God loves this baby and calls him Jedediah.
Meanwhile, Joab is still fighting the Ammonites and trying to conquer Rabbah. David goes to his assistance. Upon winning, he takes the king's heavy crown and the rest of the spoils. Depending which translation you believe, he then either has the people tortured or enslaved.
Next chapter: sibling rape goes wrong.
David, clearly not a Republican, is incensed, and orders the poor man's flock restored fourfold. But wait! It's a parable! Nathan points out that David is the rich man, because of this whole Bathsheba incident. His punishment will be to have his wives taken away and given to his neighbour, who will then publicly consummate the marriages.
David is contrite, but Nathan says god has already forgiven him, but his son is going to die. Well, that seems fair. Lo and behold, the boy Bathsheba was pregnant with in the last chapter is sickly and no amount of praying and fasting can save it. It dies after a week.
David gets up then and washes, prays and takes food again. David points out that now that the kid is dead, there's no point hastening his own demise. He even starts having sex with Bathsheba again, resulting in Solomon. God loves this baby and calls him Jedediah.
Meanwhile, Joab is still fighting the Ammonites and trying to conquer Rabbah. David goes to his assistance. Upon winning, he takes the king's heavy crown and the rest of the spoils. Depending which translation you believe, he then either has the people tortured or enslaved.
Next chapter: sibling rape goes wrong.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 11
David has sent his men off to war while he rests up in Jerusalem. One evening, David takes a walk on his roof and happens to look down and see a hot chick bathing. That's so damned clichéd. He asks around and finds out her name is Bathsheba and she's married to Uriah the Hittite.
Because he gets off on cuckolding other men, David sends for her and sleeps with her, then sends her home. Of course she gets pregnant and tells him about it. Probably not wanting to take responsibility, he recalls Uriah from the front, and tells him to Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet (v. 8), which, just so we're clear, is code for: fuck your wife and we'll just call it yours. He even sends along some meat to get them in the mood. Uh, try chocolate and strawberries. But Uriah is either stupid or gay, and he camps outside the castle. David hears and goes down to encourage him to go home, but Uriah babbles some bullshit about how the ark and the army and all sleep in tents, so why should he get to go home to walls and comfy sheets and a wife? Anyone else's gaydar just spiking off the charts, here?
Uriah hangs around for two days, until a desperate David gets him drunk, but he still refuses to go home to his wife. Nope, instead he takes to his bed with some of David's servants for a big gay orgy.
David gives up and sends him back to the front with a letter for Joab, his general, instructing him to put Uriah into battle and get him killed. So Uriah goes and is killed. Joab sends word to David. Bathsheba also hears and goes into mourning. The minute she casts off her widow's weeds, of course, David marries here, but we are warned ominously that god is nevertheless displeased.
Because he gets off on cuckolding other men, David sends for her and sleeps with her, then sends her home. Of course she gets pregnant and tells him about it. Probably not wanting to take responsibility, he recalls Uriah from the front, and tells him to Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet (v. 8), which, just so we're clear, is code for: fuck your wife and we'll just call it yours. He even sends along some meat to get them in the mood. Uh, try chocolate and strawberries. But Uriah is either stupid or gay, and he camps outside the castle. David hears and goes down to encourage him to go home, but Uriah babbles some bullshit about how the ark and the army and all sleep in tents, so why should he get to go home to walls and comfy sheets and a wife? Anyone else's gaydar just spiking off the charts, here?
Uriah hangs around for two days, until a desperate David gets him drunk, but he still refuses to go home to his wife. Nope, instead he takes to his bed with some of David's servants for a big gay orgy.
David gives up and sends him back to the front with a letter for Joab, his general, instructing him to put Uriah into battle and get him killed. So Uriah goes and is killed. Joab sends word to David. Bathsheba also hears and goes into mourning. The minute she casts off her widow's weeds, of course, David marries here, but we are warned ominously that god is nevertheless displeased.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 9 & 10
Chapter 9
David, missing Jonathan, decides to find out if any of his family members are still knocking around. Why yes, Jonathan's son with the lame feet didn't participate in the war. David sends for the boy, Mephibosheth, who falls on his face at David's feet. David promises he'll show him kindness, restore Saul's land, and they'll eat all their meals together. The reward for the old slave who told him where Mephibosheth was? He gets to till the land! And then harvest it! And cook for the bastard! Oddly, the slave, Ziba, also has 20 slaves and 15 sons.
Chapter 10
Despite all the soaring rhetoric of 'love thy brother' and 'don't punish the child for the sins of its parents' in this book, it doesn't often come into practice. The old king of Ammon dies. You'll remember him for how he threatened to, and possibly did, gouge out the eyes of the Israelite messengers in 1 Samuel. So David decides to pay tribute to the father in the same fashion.
He sends envoys to the king, whose advisors are skeptical. So before they can carry out their plans, the king shaves half their beards and cuts half their clothing off and deports them. Well, hell, here we are 2000-odd years later and relations between Israel and its neighbours are no better.
David hears about what happened and rather than advising them to shave their beards off and start over, he tells them to hang out in Jericho until they grow back in. It must have been like the 1970s. Gross.
The Ammonites, sensing their little prank didn't go over very well, hire some Syrian mercenaries to defend themselves against David. David likewise raises an army. Apparently, mutually-assured destruction was not a deterrent back then, so they fight. And fighty-fight fight some more, until David gets into it and kills 40 000 men and 700 charioteers, and the Syrians are convinced not to fight for money anymore.
David, missing Jonathan, decides to find out if any of his family members are still knocking around. Why yes, Jonathan's son with the lame feet didn't participate in the war. David sends for the boy, Mephibosheth, who falls on his face at David's feet. David promises he'll show him kindness, restore Saul's land, and they'll eat all their meals together. The reward for the old slave who told him where Mephibosheth was? He gets to till the land! And then harvest it! And cook for the bastard! Oddly, the slave, Ziba, also has 20 slaves and 15 sons.
Chapter 10
Despite all the soaring rhetoric of 'love thy brother' and 'don't punish the child for the sins of its parents' in this book, it doesn't often come into practice. The old king of Ammon dies. You'll remember him for how he threatened to, and possibly did, gouge out the eyes of the Israelite messengers in 1 Samuel. So David decides to pay tribute to the father in the same fashion.
He sends envoys to the king, whose advisors are skeptical. So before they can carry out their plans, the king shaves half their beards and cuts half their clothing off and deports them. Well, hell, here we are 2000-odd years later and relations between Israel and its neighbours are no better.
David hears about what happened and rather than advising them to shave their beards off and start over, he tells them to hang out in Jericho until they grow back in. It must have been like the 1970s. Gross.
The Ammonites, sensing their little prank didn't go over very well, hire some Syrian mercenaries to defend themselves against David. David likewise raises an army. Apparently, mutually-assured destruction was not a deterrent back then, so they fight. And fighty-fight fight some more, until David gets into it and kills 40 000 men and 700 charioteers, and the Syrians are convinced not to fight for money anymore.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 7 & 8
Chapter 7
David is enjoying a peaceful respite from war, so he gets to thinking about other things, like the fact that he lives in a house, but the ark of the covenant lives in a tent. Well, god told them to build it and this is what he wanted, so what's he bitching about? Nathan, his prophet, tells him to do what he wants, because god is with him. Mighty convenient, no?
God comes to Nathan that night and says he likes the footloose and fancy-free feeling of caravaning it and has never asked anybody for a house. Eventually, he'll settle down with the Israelites, when they have their own country, but he'll build the house himself.
He also promises to keep David's line in power forever, and not to take his mercy away, as he did with Saul.
David listens to all of this and goes to talk to god himself. He flatters him, praising his good deeds and so on and asks for a blessing.
Chapter 8
David kills more Philistines. It's a wonder there are any left, frankly. Then he defeats the Moabites. After his victory, he has the survivors lie on the ground and kills 2 out of every 3 of them. What a terrifying way to die. Then he smites Hadadezer, king of Zobah, in a border dispute. This is only verse 3. He captures some chariots, charioteers and footmen, and hangs all but a hundred of the horses.
Bear in mind we're only at verse 5, where David kills 22 000 Syrians. He enslaves them, and we are informed that god is with him wherever he goes.
David brings back a lot of treasure, and is also given a lot of it as a tribute from other kings anxious not to be invaded. He dedicates all of it to god, and puts garrisons in all his conquered towns.
He also institutes a fair and just domestic policy, so there is happiness all around.
David is enjoying a peaceful respite from war, so he gets to thinking about other things, like the fact that he lives in a house, but the ark of the covenant lives in a tent. Well, god told them to build it and this is what he wanted, so what's he bitching about? Nathan, his prophet, tells him to do what he wants, because god is with him. Mighty convenient, no?
God comes to Nathan that night and says he likes the footloose and fancy-free feeling of caravaning it and has never asked anybody for a house. Eventually, he'll settle down with the Israelites, when they have their own country, but he'll build the house himself.
He also promises to keep David's line in power forever, and not to take his mercy away, as he did with Saul.
David listens to all of this and goes to talk to god himself. He flatters him, praising his good deeds and so on and asks for a blessing.
Chapter 8
David kills more Philistines. It's a wonder there are any left, frankly. Then he defeats the Moabites. After his victory, he has the survivors lie on the ground and kills 2 out of every 3 of them. What a terrifying way to die. Then he smites Hadadezer, king of Zobah, in a border dispute. This is only verse 3. He captures some chariots, charioteers and footmen, and hangs all but a hundred of the horses.
Bear in mind we're only at verse 5, where David kills 22 000 Syrians. He enslaves them, and we are informed that god is with him wherever he goes.
David brings back a lot of treasure, and is also given a lot of it as a tribute from other kings anxious not to be invaded. He dedicates all of it to god, and puts garrisons in all his conquered towns.
He also institutes a fair and just domestic policy, so there is happiness all around.
Monday, May 24, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 4-6
Chapter 4
Problems at the royal court: on hearing of Abner's death, Ishbosheth develops tremors in his hands. His guards flee. Jonathan's son is lamed at 5 years old when he falls whilst fleeing.
One day, Ishbosheth lays down for a nap. Two men sneak in and stab him and cut off his head, which they run off with and present to David. Far from receiving rewards and virgins, David reminds them what happened to the last man who confessed to killing a king, the Amalekite. He proclaims Ishbosheth innocent and has them killed rather gruesomely: hands and feet cut off and hung over a pond. Ishbosheth's head is buried in a royal tomb.
Chapter 5
David is crowned king in Hebron, at age 30. His reign will continue another 40 years. Not satisfied, he leads an army to Jerusalem, currently occupied by the Jebushites. They pretend they aren't scared, saying Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. (v. 6). David nevertheless conquers the city and promises anyone that can get in by the gutters will be his captain. Jerusalem is now called 'The City of David.'
The king of Tyre sends some cedars to David for a house. It must have smelled awesome. He takes even more wives, none of whom are named, who produce eleven more sons.
The Philistines aren't as friendly as the Tyreans and they come and camp in a valley nearby. David, unable to make the simplest of decisions for himself, asks god if he should attack them. God says yes, he'll help kill them. So he does, making sure to destroy their idols as well.
They come back, of course, because they always do. This time David is instructed to encircle them and to drive them towards a mulberry grove. When he hears trumpets in the trees, that's the signal that god is coming along to finish them off. He smites the Philistines yet again.
Chapter 6
David gathers an army of 30 000, which is somewhat less than the 600 000 men of fighting capability listed in numbers, but still on par with the modern-day Finnish army. He orders the ark brought to Jerusalem. It has been in the house of Abinadab, and his sons, Uzzah and Ahio bring it up in their new ox cart. As they get to someone's threshing floor, the oxen jostle the cart and Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark. Bad move: god smites him right there. I wonder what the punishment would have been for letting it fall? I'm thinking smiting. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
David is angry and afraid. He asks god how he should carry it, and duh, he said only the sons of Kohath should carry it, but that isn't delineated here. Instead, it is taken to the home of Obededom, where it stays for three months, after which David retrieves it again. Before the new bearers go six paces, David's sacrificing oxen.
David also dances, possibly naked, which his wife Michal sees. As he leads the proceedings into the temple and sacrifices and barbecues and all, she rebukes him for showing his naughty bits to the servant girls. David says it was before god, so he's fine. Micah is punished with infertility.
Problems at the royal court: on hearing of Abner's death, Ishbosheth develops tremors in his hands. His guards flee. Jonathan's son is lamed at 5 years old when he falls whilst fleeing.
One day, Ishbosheth lays down for a nap. Two men sneak in and stab him and cut off his head, which they run off with and present to David. Far from receiving rewards and virgins, David reminds them what happened to the last man who confessed to killing a king, the Amalekite. He proclaims Ishbosheth innocent and has them killed rather gruesomely: hands and feet cut off and hung over a pond. Ishbosheth's head is buried in a royal tomb.
Chapter 5
David is crowned king in Hebron, at age 30. His reign will continue another 40 years. Not satisfied, he leads an army to Jerusalem, currently occupied by the Jebushites. They pretend they aren't scared, saying Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. (v. 6). David nevertheless conquers the city and promises anyone that can get in by the gutters will be his captain. Jerusalem is now called 'The City of David.'
The king of Tyre sends some cedars to David for a house. It must have smelled awesome. He takes even more wives, none of whom are named, who produce eleven more sons.
The Philistines aren't as friendly as the Tyreans and they come and camp in a valley nearby. David, unable to make the simplest of decisions for himself, asks god if he should attack them. God says yes, he'll help kill them. So he does, making sure to destroy their idols as well.
They come back, of course, because they always do. This time David is instructed to encircle them and to drive them towards a mulberry grove. When he hears trumpets in the trees, that's the signal that god is coming along to finish them off. He smites the Philistines yet again.
Chapter 6
David gathers an army of 30 000, which is somewhat less than the 600 000 men of fighting capability listed in numbers, but still on par with the modern-day Finnish army. He orders the ark brought to Jerusalem. It has been in the house of Abinadab, and his sons, Uzzah and Ahio bring it up in their new ox cart. As they get to someone's threshing floor, the oxen jostle the cart and Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark. Bad move: god smites him right there. I wonder what the punishment would have been for letting it fall? I'm thinking smiting. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
David is angry and afraid. He asks god how he should carry it, and duh, he said only the sons of Kohath should carry it, but that isn't delineated here. Instead, it is taken to the home of Obededom, where it stays for three months, after which David retrieves it again. Before the new bearers go six paces, David's sacrificing oxen.
David also dances, possibly naked, which his wife Michal sees. As he leads the proceedings into the temple and sacrifices and barbecues and all, she rebukes him for showing his naughty bits to the servant girls. David says it was before god, so he's fine. Micah is punished with infertility.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 2 & 3
Chapter 2
David asks god if he should move into the territory of Judah. Ah. I know at the beginning I thought the concept of a personal god arose with Protestantism, but clearly not. You are, in fact, supposed to ask god for advice about every little thing. Anyway, god's answer: move to Hebron. He takes his wives and posse along with him. The people there make him their king.
Not everyone agrees, and Abner crowns one of Saul's sons, Ishbosheth, king over the rest of Israel. No, never mind that Saul's entire family is supposed to have died just a few chapters ago, this one was, I don't know, out of town or something. Ishbosheth's reign lasts 2 years, David's 7.5.
One day, Abner and his men meet some of David's servants by a pool in Gibeon. Abner suggests a 'game.' 12 members of Benjamin's tribe get up and face off against 12 of David's men. Each one grabs an opponent by the hair and stabs him in the side, so all 24 die. Eventually, however, David's men prevail. Abner escapes, but is pursued by a man named Asahel. Abner warns him to stop following him, but he doesn't. Finally, Abner stabs him with a spear and he dies. Asahel's two brothers, Joab and Abishai, pursue Abner into the wilderness, but he gets to his men before them. Then he turns and calls out to them Shall the sword devour for ever? knowest thou not that it will be bitterness in the latter end? how long shall it be then, ere thou bid the people return from following their brethren? (v. 26). Somehow this diffuses the tension, because Joab replies that he would have chased him all night. Then he blows a trumpet and the chase is called off. Abner scurries off to Jordan and Joab and Abishai return to David. Final score: 19 dead for David, 360 for Abner.
Chapter 3
A war breaks out between David's followers and Saul's. David's house, of course, wins. We also find out that David has been prolific on the home front as well, producing a son by each of 6 wives.
Meantime, Abner comes back. One day, Ishbosheth confronts him for sleeping with his father's concubine. You know, Jerry Falwell and the tit who replies to the Skeptics' Annotated Bible bend themselves backwards in this chapter to tell us that polygamy was practiced but not condoned but seriously, nearly every single powerful man practices it pretty openly: Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Saul, David, just to name a few. Anyway, Abner gets angry at him and reminds him how loyal he's been and tells him to mind his own business and let god deal with it. I see where this is going.
Next, Abner sues David for peace. David agrees on the condition he get his first wife, Michal back. Remember, Saul gave her to someone else back on 1 Samuel. Ishbosheth agrees and sends her back, her poor second husband weeping behind her (v. 16). Abner, who is clearly the Dick Cheney of this reign, sends a message to the tribal elders to accept David as king. He goes to David's castle and they feast, and then he says he's going to gather the people of Israel to crown him.
At this point, Joab comes back and is informed that Abner was there and what transpired. Joab asks David what the hell he was thinking, and warns him Abner was deceiving him. He sends his messengers after Abner, who comes back to Hebron, where Joab stabs him in revenge for his brother's death. David puts the blame on Joab and curses the men of his house to leprosy and women's work.
David himself mourns Abner and declares a day of fasting in his honour.
David asks god if he should move into the territory of Judah. Ah. I know at the beginning I thought the concept of a personal god arose with Protestantism, but clearly not. You are, in fact, supposed to ask god for advice about every little thing. Anyway, god's answer: move to Hebron. He takes his wives and posse along with him. The people there make him their king.
Not everyone agrees, and Abner crowns one of Saul's sons, Ishbosheth, king over the rest of Israel. No, never mind that Saul's entire family is supposed to have died just a few chapters ago, this one was, I don't know, out of town or something. Ishbosheth's reign lasts 2 years, David's 7.5.
One day, Abner and his men meet some of David's servants by a pool in Gibeon. Abner suggests a 'game.' 12 members of Benjamin's tribe get up and face off against 12 of David's men. Each one grabs an opponent by the hair and stabs him in the side, so all 24 die. Eventually, however, David's men prevail. Abner escapes, but is pursued by a man named Asahel. Abner warns him to stop following him, but he doesn't. Finally, Abner stabs him with a spear and he dies. Asahel's two brothers, Joab and Abishai, pursue Abner into the wilderness, but he gets to his men before them. Then he turns and calls out to them Shall the sword devour for ever? knowest thou not that it will be bitterness in the latter end? how long shall it be then, ere thou bid the people return from following their brethren? (v. 26). Somehow this diffuses the tension, because Joab replies that he would have chased him all night. Then he blows a trumpet and the chase is called off. Abner scurries off to Jordan and Joab and Abishai return to David. Final score: 19 dead for David, 360 for Abner.
Chapter 3
A war breaks out between David's followers and Saul's. David's house, of course, wins. We also find out that David has been prolific on the home front as well, producing a son by each of 6 wives.
Meantime, Abner comes back. One day, Ishbosheth confronts him for sleeping with his father's concubine. You know, Jerry Falwell and the tit who replies to the Skeptics' Annotated Bible bend themselves backwards in this chapter to tell us that polygamy was practiced but not condoned but seriously, nearly every single powerful man practices it pretty openly: Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Saul, David, just to name a few. Anyway, Abner gets angry at him and reminds him how loyal he's been and tells him to mind his own business and let god deal with it. I see where this is going.
Next, Abner sues David for peace. David agrees on the condition he get his first wife, Michal back. Remember, Saul gave her to someone else back on 1 Samuel. Ishbosheth agrees and sends her back, her poor second husband weeping behind her (v. 16). Abner, who is clearly the Dick Cheney of this reign, sends a message to the tribal elders to accept David as king. He goes to David's castle and they feast, and then he says he's going to gather the people of Israel to crown him.
At this point, Joab comes back and is informed that Abner was there and what transpired. Joab asks David what the hell he was thinking, and warns him Abner was deceiving him. He sends his messengers after Abner, who comes back to Hebron, where Joab stabs him in revenge for his brother's death. David puts the blame on Joab and curses the men of his house to leprosy and women's work.
David himself mourns Abner and declares a day of fasting in his honour.
Monday, May 17, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 1
David comes back from slaughtering the Amalekites. He's only been home for two days when a man comes from Saul's camp with his clothes torn and dirt in his hair. Rather than running him out of town like a dirty hippie, David asks where he came from and what's happening over in Saul's camp. He fills them in on Saul and Jonathan's deaths, and also lets slip that he himself is an Amalekite and that Saul had begged him to kill him, rather than in the previous book, where he fell on his sword. He shows them Saul's crown and bracelet as proof.
David is upset and tears his own clothing. He and his men weep and fast FOR THE WHOLE DAY. Then he goes back to the stranger and confirms he's an Amalekite. He asks how he could have killed someone anointed by god without fear. Then he orders his men to kill him. He laments some more and coins the phrase how the mighty have fallen (v. 19).
He orders Saul's death be kept a secret and forbids rain or dew. He gives a nice eulogy that is about as true as any you'd hear today about how they were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided (v. 23).
David is upset and tears his own clothing. He and his men weep and fast FOR THE WHOLE DAY. Then he goes back to the stranger and confirms he's an Amalekite. He asks how he could have killed someone anointed by god without fear. Then he orders his men to kill him. He laments some more and coins the phrase how the mighty have fallen (v. 19).
He orders Saul's death be kept a secret and forbids rain or dew. He gives a nice eulogy that is about as true as any you'd hear today about how they were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided (v. 23).
Sunday, May 16, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 30 & 31
Chapter 30
Those Amalekites are like a hydra, you cut them off and they just grow back. Remember when Saul killed all of them but the king, and then Samuel got angry and killed the king? Well, here they are again, just a few years later, and there are somehow enough of them to sack David's city of Ziklag. They take the women and children hostage, including David's two wives. David weeps but hey buddy, at least your wives are alive. You have more of a tendency to slaughter people mercilessly in these situations.
The people want to stone David for this kidnapping, which doesn't seem like it would accomplish much. He asks for the magic yes/no coin and asks if he should pursue his enemies and take his wives back. What coin is going to say no to that? So he takes his men and heads after the Amalekites.
As he's passing through a field, his men find a little Egyptian boy. They give him bread and water and when he's recovered, they ask his story. He was the Amalekites' slave, abandoned in the retreat because he was sick. David asks if he can help them find the Amalekites. He agrees, on the condition he be set free.
David finds them partying it up after their conquest and slaughters all but 400 who were still sober enough to saddle their camels and ride away. David, meanwhile, claims hisproperty wives back.
He returns in triumph, and gives everybody's families back, but keeps the treasure and animals back for the people who helped him. This then becomes a statute.
Chapter 31
More god-sanctioned killing. This time, the Philistines attack the Israelites and kill Saul's three sons, just as predicted. Saul gets speared by an arrow and begs his armour bearer to kill him. The man refuses, so Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. (v. 4)The armour bearer does likewise. Is that the origin of that expression?
The Israelites see this and decide against defending the cities, so the Philistines just sort of... walk into victory. They stumble upon the bodies and cut off Saul's head and send it around their territory like a trophy. So Saul's men were so loyal they didn't even bother to take his body with them when they retreated? His body and armour are similarly displayed. Only after word gets back to Israel that their former king's accoutrements have become a travelling circus do the men of Jabeshgilead sneak into the Philistine's territory and steal them back. Then they bury them and have a feast.
Those Amalekites are like a hydra, you cut them off and they just grow back. Remember when Saul killed all of them but the king, and then Samuel got angry and killed the king? Well, here they are again, just a few years later, and there are somehow enough of them to sack David's city of Ziklag. They take the women and children hostage, including David's two wives. David weeps but hey buddy, at least your wives are alive. You have more of a tendency to slaughter people mercilessly in these situations.
The people want to stone David for this kidnapping, which doesn't seem like it would accomplish much. He asks for the magic yes/no coin and asks if he should pursue his enemies and take his wives back. What coin is going to say no to that? So he takes his men and heads after the Amalekites.
As he's passing through a field, his men find a little Egyptian boy. They give him bread and water and when he's recovered, they ask his story. He was the Amalekites' slave, abandoned in the retreat because he was sick. David asks if he can help them find the Amalekites. He agrees, on the condition he be set free.
David finds them partying it up after their conquest and slaughters all but 400 who were still sober enough to saddle their camels and ride away. David, meanwhile, claims his
He returns in triumph, and gives everybody's families back, but keeps the treasure and animals back for the people who helped him. This then becomes a statute.
Chapter 31
More god-sanctioned killing. This time, the Philistines attack the Israelites and kill Saul's three sons, just as predicted. Saul gets speared by an arrow and begs his armour bearer to kill him. The man refuses, so Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. (v. 4)The armour bearer does likewise. Is that the origin of that expression?
The Israelites see this and decide against defending the cities, so the Philistines just sort of... walk into victory. They stumble upon the bodies and cut off Saul's head and send it around their territory like a trophy. So Saul's men were so loyal they didn't even bother to take his body with them when they retreated? His body and armour are similarly displayed. Only after word gets back to Israel that their former king's accoutrements have become a travelling circus do the men of Jabeshgilead sneak into the Philistine's territory and steal them back. Then they bury them and have a feast.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 28 & 29
The Witch of Endor! Awesome!
Chapter 28
The Philistines are massing an army to fight Israel. The king, Achish, asks David to fight with him. David agrees. Some Israelite hero.
Meanwhile, Samuel dies and is lamented. Saul also bans all witchcraft, never mind that it already happened back in Leviticus.
The two sides come together and pitch their tents. It's like a giant camping trip. Saul sees how many Philistines there are and tries to get in touch with god, but the big guy isn't taking his calls, not by magic coin, not by dreams, not by prophecy. So despite banning witchcraft and exiling all the witches, he orders his men to find someone who has a direct line to god. They tell him about the witch of Endor. Saul asks her to get in contact someone dead for him. She thinks it's a trap and Saul swears he won't punish her. She believes him and he asks to speak to Samuel. Somehow she identifies him as Saul and asks why he cam in disguise. He reassures her again and asks what she saw: gods coming out of the earth. What else? An old man, whom Saul identifies as Samuel. He prostrates himself. Samuel is grumpy at being woken up and asks what Saul wants. Saul whines about how god is ignoring him and asks for Samuels advice.
Samuel tells him that god is no longer on his side because he refused to kill every single Amalekite and his ox, so now he likes David better. As punishment, he's going to lose tomorrow's battle.
Saul faints, partly from hunger, which might also explain his hallucinations, here. If any of this had actually happened. The witch gives him some food and tries to chivvy him along. He resists, then finally eats the veal sandwiches she makes for them and leaves.
Chapter 29
David is with the Philistines, preparing for battle. The generals distrust him, though the king points out he's been a good and loyal servant. They still want him sent home, because they hear about the songs people used to sing about how many people he killed. Achish calls David and explains the situation. David is disappointed, because he was looking forward to adding some 'tens of thousands' to his tally. The king remains firm, however, and asks him to go in the morning, so he does.
Chapter 28
The Philistines are massing an army to fight Israel. The king, Achish, asks David to fight with him. David agrees. Some Israelite hero.
Meanwhile, Samuel dies and is lamented. Saul also bans all witchcraft, never mind that it already happened back in Leviticus.
The two sides come together and pitch their tents. It's like a giant camping trip. Saul sees how many Philistines there are and tries to get in touch with god, but the big guy isn't taking his calls, not by magic coin, not by dreams, not by prophecy. So despite banning witchcraft and exiling all the witches, he orders his men to find someone who has a direct line to god. They tell him about the witch of Endor. Saul asks her to get in contact someone dead for him. She thinks it's a trap and Saul swears he won't punish her. She believes him and he asks to speak to Samuel. Somehow she identifies him as Saul and asks why he cam in disguise. He reassures her again and asks what she saw: gods coming out of the earth. What else? An old man, whom Saul identifies as Samuel. He prostrates himself. Samuel is grumpy at being woken up and asks what Saul wants. Saul whines about how god is ignoring him and asks for Samuels advice.
Samuel tells him that god is no longer on his side because he refused to kill every single Amalekite and his ox, so now he likes David better. As punishment, he's going to lose tomorrow's battle.
Saul faints, partly from hunger, which might also explain his hallucinations, here. If any of this had actually happened. The witch gives him some food and tries to chivvy him along. He resists, then finally eats the veal sandwiches she makes for them and leaves.
Chapter 29
David is with the Philistines, preparing for battle. The generals distrust him, though the king points out he's been a good and loyal servant. They still want him sent home, because they hear about the songs people used to sing about how many people he killed. Achish calls David and explains the situation. David is disappointed, because he was looking forward to adding some 'tens of thousands' to his tally. The king remains firm, however, and asks him to go in the morning, so he does.
Friday, May 14, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 26 & 27
Chapter 26
A variant on the legend in chapter 24. In this one, Saul hears that David is hiding in the wilderness and gathers his 3000 men to attack him. David scouts out Saul's position and asks two of his lieutenants to help him.
David sneaks into Saul's tent that night with one of them, who encourages him to kill the sleeping king. David refuses, because it's god's call. They do, however, take his spear and a pitcher of water.
The next morning, David calls out to Abner, captain of Saul's guard. Huh, so Lil Abner has biblical roots. Anyway, David taunts Abner with the spear and jug until Saul figures out who's shouting. David asks him why he's trying to kill him. Duh, he's nuts. Saul says he's sorry and agrees not to try and kill David anymore. Yeah, that'll last.
Chapter 27
David decides that he can't trust Saul and joins the Philistines as a marauder. Saul finds out where he is and leaves off chasing him for a bit. He asks the king for a city and gets the colourfully-named Ziklag, which apparently still belongs to the kings of Judah. He stays there for 16 months, staging raids on the surrounding tribes. He kills a lot of people and keeps a lot of animals. The king believes that the Israelites must hate David by now, and he'll be his servant forever.
A variant on the legend in chapter 24. In this one, Saul hears that David is hiding in the wilderness and gathers his 3000 men to attack him. David scouts out Saul's position and asks two of his lieutenants to help him.
David sneaks into Saul's tent that night with one of them, who encourages him to kill the sleeping king. David refuses, because it's god's call. They do, however, take his spear and a pitcher of water.
The next morning, David calls out to Abner, captain of Saul's guard. Huh, so Lil Abner has biblical roots. Anyway, David taunts Abner with the spear and jug until Saul figures out who's shouting. David asks him why he's trying to kill him. Duh, he's nuts. Saul says he's sorry and agrees not to try and kill David anymore. Yeah, that'll last.
Chapter 27
David decides that he can't trust Saul and joins the Philistines as a marauder. Saul finds out where he is and leaves off chasing him for a bit. He asks the king for a city and gets the colourfully-named Ziklag, which apparently still belongs to the kings of Judah. He stays there for 16 months, staging raids on the surrounding tribes. He kills a lot of people and keeps a lot of animals. The king believes that the Israelites must hate David by now, and he'll be his servant forever.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 23-25
Chapter 23
David notices that the Philistines are staging cross-border raids and asks god if he should smite them. God: affirmative. His men are reluctant to leave Judeah, so he goes to god again, who promises they'll win. That gives them the motivation they need for smiting.
Saul finds out that David is staying in a walled city and decides to besiege him there. David hears about this and asks his divining coin if Saul is going to capture him. Coin: affirmative. David goes and hides in the wilderness in Ziph, where he and Saul engage in a game of hide-and-seek. Jonathan manages to slip away to strengthen his hand in God (v. 16) and make a covenant.
Unfortunately, the people of Ziph, probably seeking cash, go and tell Saul where David's at. Saul asks them to do some reconnoissance so he can attack. David, however, has moved on to Maon. Saul follows, and eventually they're climbing up opposite sides of the same hill. David tries to scamper off, but Saul's men surround him. Just as he's about to capture his prey, however, a messenger comes and tells Saul the Philistines have invaded. So Saul and David end up leaving separately. It's like a really bad film.
Chapter 24
Saul comes back from fighting the Philistines and pursues David into the wilderness of Engedi. At some point, Saul goes into a cave to uh, relieve himself, and lo and behold! David and his men are lined up along the sides. David's men point out that god said this would happen, and Saul must be mighty absorbed in whatever he's doing that he doesn't notice them, or that David cuts a hunk out of his robe. He feels bad about this, because according to Jerry Falwell it was really disrespectful to tear people's clothes back then, and tells his men not to attack him. Saul must have the bladder of a racehorse, because it's only then that he zips up and leaves.
David follows after him and calls out. When Saul turns, he bows and asks him where he heard he was out to hurt him, because he was in that cave and didn't hurt him. He shows him the cloth as proof of how close he got. He asks him to let god be the judge in this dispute. Saul weeps in response. He admits he's been acting crazy and that David will be king. He only asks him not to cut off his line. Given that David's married to his daughter, that would be difficult. David agrees and Saul leaves again.
Chapter 25
Saul dies and David heads for Raban to mourn him. On the way, he passes through Carmel, in Maon, where a rich man lives. The man's name is Nabal and he's very surly but he has a hot young wife named Abigail. Anyway, David sends some of his men down to Nabal to remind them that the whole time he was in Maon, he left him alone, and now it's festival season, so he should return the favour. Wow, he's kind of a mob boss here, isn't he?
Nabal claims never to have heard of David and refuses to be shaken down. The men go back to David, so they load up with armament and head back down. One of Nabal's servants goes to Abigail to tell her what happened. Abigail secretly gathers food and tells them to give it to David and his men without telling Nabal. She rides out on her ass, and meets him. We overhear a bit of his conversation vowing to kill Nabal and all his men. When Abigail is close enough, she jumps off the donkey and prostrates herself. She begs him to spare her husband. David, taken by her comeliness, decides not to kill all the men of Nabal's household and sends her home. She finds Nabal partying, and doesn't say anything until the following morning. When she does say something, he's paralyzed by the news. God kills him ten days later.
David hears about it and is happy that god is killing his enemies for him. He then asks Abigail to marry him. She agrees eagerly. He also takes another wife, Ahinaom. Meanwhile, Saul has given his first wife away.
David notices that the Philistines are staging cross-border raids and asks god if he should smite them. God: affirmative. His men are reluctant to leave Judeah, so he goes to god again, who promises they'll win. That gives them the motivation they need for smiting.
Saul finds out that David is staying in a walled city and decides to besiege him there. David hears about this and asks his divining coin if Saul is going to capture him. Coin: affirmative. David goes and hides in the wilderness in Ziph, where he and Saul engage in a game of hide-and-seek. Jonathan manages to slip away to strengthen his hand in God (v. 16) and make a covenant.
Unfortunately, the people of Ziph, probably seeking cash, go and tell Saul where David's at. Saul asks them to do some reconnoissance so he can attack. David, however, has moved on to Maon. Saul follows, and eventually they're climbing up opposite sides of the same hill. David tries to scamper off, but Saul's men surround him. Just as he's about to capture his prey, however, a messenger comes and tells Saul the Philistines have invaded. So Saul and David end up leaving separately. It's like a really bad film.
Chapter 24
Saul comes back from fighting the Philistines and pursues David into the wilderness of Engedi. At some point, Saul goes into a cave to uh, relieve himself, and lo and behold! David and his men are lined up along the sides. David's men point out that god said this would happen, and Saul must be mighty absorbed in whatever he's doing that he doesn't notice them, or that David cuts a hunk out of his robe. He feels bad about this, because according to Jerry Falwell it was really disrespectful to tear people's clothes back then, and tells his men not to attack him. Saul must have the bladder of a racehorse, because it's only then that he zips up and leaves.
David follows after him and calls out. When Saul turns, he bows and asks him where he heard he was out to hurt him, because he was in that cave and didn't hurt him. He shows him the cloth as proof of how close he got. He asks him to let god be the judge in this dispute. Saul weeps in response. He admits he's been acting crazy and that David will be king. He only asks him not to cut off his line. Given that David's married to his daughter, that would be difficult. David agrees and Saul leaves again.
Chapter 25
Saul dies and David heads for Raban to mourn him. On the way, he passes through Carmel, in Maon, where a rich man lives. The man's name is Nabal and he's very surly but he has a hot young wife named Abigail. Anyway, David sends some of his men down to Nabal to remind them that the whole time he was in Maon, he left him alone, and now it's festival season, so he should return the favour. Wow, he's kind of a mob boss here, isn't he?
Nabal claims never to have heard of David and refuses to be shaken down. The men go back to David, so they load up with armament and head back down. One of Nabal's servants goes to Abigail to tell her what happened. Abigail secretly gathers food and tells them to give it to David and his men without telling Nabal. She rides out on her ass, and meets him. We overhear a bit of his conversation vowing to kill Nabal and all his men. When Abigail is close enough, she jumps off the donkey and prostrates herself. She begs him to spare her husband. David, taken by her comeliness, decides not to kill all the men of Nabal's household and sends her home. She finds Nabal partying, and doesn't say anything until the following morning. When she does say something, he's paralyzed by the news. God kills him ten days later.
David hears about it and is happy that god is killing his enemies for him. He then asks Abigail to marry him. She agrees eagerly. He also takes another wife, Ahinaom. Meanwhile, Saul has given his first wife away.
Monday, May 10, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapter 20
Jonathan really, really loves David. In a totally brotherly way, of course!
David flees the court, either with Jonathan or to wherever Jonathan is, it isn't clear. He asks him how he sinned. Rather than answer, Jonathan promises to spy for him. They make another covenant.
David decides to hide the next day, and Jonathan is to say that he went home for an emergency sacrifice. They'll know by Saul's reaction whether he's currently possessed by god's evil spirit. Jonathan prays to god that if he doesn't protect David, the lord's wrath shall befall his household.
So, David's hiding, and Saul thinks he's just off doing laundry or sacrificing because he isn't clean. The next day, he asks Jonathan where he is, and Jonathan says his piece about the emergency sacrifice in Bethlehem. Saul gets angry at Jonathan, possibly because of his homosexual affair, and orders him to go and get David so he can kill him. Jonathan asks why, and gets a javelin thrown in his direction in response.
Jonathan goes out to the field the next day with his arrow retriever, because princes are just like that, and according to the secret code worked out the day before, lets David know that his father is currently under god's demonic control. Why even bring the kid? Why not just go out and tell him?
Anyway, David comes out and they kiss and cry, and David leaves to become a rebel leader while Jonathan goes home.
David flees the court, either with Jonathan or to wherever Jonathan is, it isn't clear. He asks him how he sinned. Rather than answer, Jonathan promises to spy for him. They make another covenant.
David decides to hide the next day, and Jonathan is to say that he went home for an emergency sacrifice. They'll know by Saul's reaction whether he's currently possessed by god's evil spirit. Jonathan prays to god that if he doesn't protect David, the lord's wrath shall befall his household.
So, David's hiding, and Saul thinks he's just off doing laundry or sacrificing because he isn't clean. The next day, he asks Jonathan where he is, and Jonathan says his piece about the emergency sacrifice in Bethlehem. Saul gets angry at Jonathan, possibly because of his homosexual affair, and orders him to go and get David so he can kill him. Jonathan asks why, and gets a javelin thrown in his direction in response.
Jonathan goes out to the field the next day with his arrow retriever, because princes are just like that, and according to the secret code worked out the day before, lets David know that his father is currently under god's demonic control. Why even bring the kid? Why not just go out and tell him?
Anyway, David comes out and they kiss and cry, and David leaves to become a rebel leader while Jonathan goes home.
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