Revelation, Chapters 19-22: Kitchen Nightmares

The last four chapters. Feels good to be almost free.

Chapter 19

 A great chorus of alleluias starts up in heaven because Jesus has judged the whore. The elders and animals get on the floor and worship god. The throne talks. Your typical acid trip, in other words. We're told that the Lord God omnipotent reigneth (v. 6) though not what the answer to the Problem of Evil is. Also, Jesus is getting married! And TMI, his fiancee is getting ready for her wedding night. Jesus invites John to the wedding, since it's the decent thing to do. John falls down to worship big J, but Jesus tells him it isn't necessary as they're equals. 

Now John looks up into heaven and sees a white horse being ridden by another incarnation of Jesus who has come along to judge and make war (v. 11). His eyes are aflame, he's wearing a bunch of crowns and bloody clothes, has a sword sticking out of his mouth and he has a secret name, though on his clothing and thighs his mother has thoughtfully written KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS (v. 16) so no one will take them by accident at summer camp. He's followed by an army in clean clothes. 

Somewhere else in heaven, an angel is inviting all the birds to god's supper, which will consist of dead kings and horses. He also sees the beast and its armies nearby. The beast and a false prophet are taken captive and cast into a lake of fire. Jesus kills the rest and the birds eat.

Chapter 20

An angel comes along with the key to the bottomless pit and puts Satan in for a thousand years. After that, they'll let him out for a bit. John also sees the souls of martyrs, which are given thrones and allowed to reign in heaven for the same thousand years. The other dead people will need to stay that way for the same amount of time. Then they'll be resurrected and will get their turn at being gods for a thousand years. Satan will be let out of prison after the second thousand years and will go on fooling people, whom god will set on fire. The devil will be cast into the lake with the beast and the prophet. 

John now sees Jesus sitting on another throne the book of life. The dead are all lined up in front of him, including people who died at sea and people who were in hell, and he looks them up to see what it says about them. Death and Hell are personified so they can be thrown into the lake, along with anyone whose name isn't in the book.

Chapter 21

Now there's a new heaven and earth, but no sea. There's also a new Jerusalem with a new temple that god will live in. Then there will be no death or pain or resultant crying. Then god sits for a minute and says he's done and offers everyone a glass of water. He also tells us that even in this perfect new world there will still be assholes, and he'll still send them to the lake of fire. 

Now one of the angels approaches John and offers to show him the bride in a way that is not at all creepy. He shows him the new Jerusalem, which is all soft-lit and shot through a fuzzy lens. It now has a wall with 12 gates, one for each tribe. There are 12 foundation stones, one for each apostle. The angel has a ruler because the bible is obsessed with measuring things, and he also points out, in minute detail, every single gemstone used in construction of this Putin's Palace. It has no natural lighting, because it's a casino god's glow is enough. Anyone who is saved is welcome and the gates will never be shut because there will be no night time, which begs the question of why they have gates, then, but that isn't explained.

Chapter 22

God's throne is also the source of a river which flows down the main street of Jerusalem. A tree of life is planted on either side. It yields a crop every month that can be used to heal nations. There will be no curses, we'll see god's face, and we'll all have his name tattooed on our foreheads. This will all be happening very, very soon.

John reiterates that he really saw all this and worships the angel, who tells him to save his energies for god. He also tells him not to seal the scroll because again, this will all be happening any day now. Jesus reminds us that he's a descendent of David and invites all the righteous to come to Jerusalem for a drink. We're also told not to add or subtract anything from the bible, or god will curse us. He promises one last time to come real soon.

Done! I wish I could say it's been fun, but I can't.

Revelation, Chapters 17 & 18: Dream Girls

Chapter 17

One of the seven angels tells John to follow him if he wants to see the fate of a whore ) who sitteth upon many waters (v. 1) and who has been fornicating with kings. The people have got drunk off the wine of her fornication, whatever that means. So John follows the angel into the wilderness, where they find a chick sitting on a red beast with the usual seven heads and ten horns, because heaven forbid we should learn a new number. Anyway, the woman is dressed in scarlet and purple and dripping with jewels and drinking from a cup  full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication (v. 4) and again, how is that possible and how does it taste? Like so many other people in this book, she also has a face tattoo which reads: MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH (v. 5). She's also drunk, though not on the usual stuff, but on the blood of saints and martyrs. John is oddly fascinated because who wouldn't be? 

The angel asks him why he's interested and promises to tell him the story. The beast used to exist, but currently doesn't, but will eventually come out of hell and go to its destruction. People whose names were not written in the book of life (v. 8) before the world's creation will be amazed. The seven heads represent the seven mountains and kings the woman rules over. Five of those kings are dead, one is alive, and one is on the way, but will only rule for a bit. The beast is also a king and will likewise be destroyed. The ten horns represent future kings who will meet with the beast, then rule for about an hour. They will have a hive mind and will give their power to the beast, which it will use to fight the Jesuslamb, but it will lose. The water the whore was sitting in represents the people of the earth. The horny kings like the beast but hate the whore, so they'll strip her naked, eat her flesh, and burn her. This is all god's plan. Oh, and the woman isn't really a woman, she's Babylon, though that doesn't really explain whether the kings are cannibals or not.

Chapter 18

Yet another angel flies down to earth, shrieking about the defeat of Babylon and telling us every king on earth has fornicated with a city. Another voice invites the believers to leave the city before the plagues start. They will include death, famine and fires, all within 24 hours. The kings will miss her, but like all men who fuck then discard women, they'll say it's her fault. The merchants will weep because no one will buy the expensive, tacky crap they imported from her, but I can't feel too sorry for them, because in my experience there is always a market for expensive, tacky, crap. All the shipmasters and sailors who imported the crap will also wail and throw dust on themselves. But heaven, heaven will be happy about the destruction of an economy because God hath avenged you on her (v. 20). An angel casts a rock into the sea and compares it to Babylon because both will disappear completely.

Revelation, Chapters 15 & 16: Nightmare Beach

Chapter 15

John looks up and sees the last seven angels with the last seven plagues. In front of him, he sees a lake of fiery glass, surrounded by people who've defeated the beast. They're singing a song for Moses and Jesus. He looks up again and sees the plague angels coming out of the temple in pure white robes. One of the beasts hands each of the angels seven vials full of god's immortal anger. Then the temple fills with smoke that won't clear until the seven plagues finish.

Chapter 16

A voice tells the angels to pour out their vials. The first one causes the people who worshiped the beast to break out into sores. The second one kills everything in the sea. The third one turns the rivers into blood. This is fine because the heretics that shed Jesus' blood will now have to drink blood. The fourth angel's vial allows him to burn people to death. The fifth angel's elixir plunges the earth into darkness and causes pain so severe people chew their tongues off. I can't believe there are people out there who lap this up. The sixth vial dries up the Euphrates river. When that happens, the beast and the dragon yak up frog-like devils who gather up an army for the coming war. We're told not to sleep naked, because Jesus might come back any time and wouldn't that be embarrassing. The demons bring their followers to Armageddon, which I had no idea was a place. The seventh angel dumps out his potion and a voice says It is done (v. 17). 'It' apparently means earthquakes and thunderstorms, which break Babylon into three parts. God also gives them a wine glass full of wrath. The islands and mountains head for the hills. Then there's hail the size of a 'talent', which I'm told is 33 kilos.

Revelation, Chapters 13 & 14: I Dream of Jeannie

Chapter 13

John stands on the beach and watches a creature emerge from the deeps. Like everything in this book, it has seven heads, each with ten horns, each horn adorned with a crown. Each head has the word 'blasphemy' written on it. It sort of looks like a leopard, except that it has bear paws and the mouth of a lion. One of the heads also has a terrible scar on it. Satan gives the beast a high position in his government and people start worshiping it because they figure they can't beat it.

The beast starts blaspheming and continues for 42 months, at which point it makes war on the christians. Non-christians, meanwhile, worship it. John warns us that this will be a very traumatic time and we must be prepared to be taken hostage or even killed.

Now John sees another beastie emerging from the earth. This one has a normal number of lamb's horns, but talks like a dragon. This one is kind of an enforcer for the first one, making everyone worship it and paint a picture of it, which he then brings to life. Except that unlike the paintings in Harry Potter, this one kills people who don't worship it. The second beast can also make fire fall out of the sky. It marks people with its name or number (666 natch) on the right hand or forehead. Only those people can engage in commerce.

Chapter 14

Jesus now appears on a mountaintop with his 144,000 fabulous followers, all with god's name tattooed on their foreheads and, unsurprisingly, all virgins. They burst into song, a song only they know. Nope, not gay at all.

Next, three angels fly across the sky. The first one is shrieking at us to worship god, because the end is nigh. The second one is shouting that Babylon has died of shame from getting drunk and hooking up. The third warns that people bearing the mark of the beast will be tortured with fire and brimstone and that Jesus will watch and laugh and laugh.

Now a voice calls out to John to write: Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them. (v. 13) He looks up and sees Jesus sitting on a cloud, wearing a crown and holding a sickle. An angel flies out of the temple and tells him its harvest time. Two more angels with sickles come along to help and they all thrust their sickles into the earth, and come up with vines bearing grapes (humans, I assume), which they put into the great winepress of the wrath of God (v. 19). It's one of those old-timey I Love Lucy style wine presses, but rather than produce wine, they flood the city with blood that reaches the horses saddles.

Revelation, Chapters 11 & 12: Nightmare before Christmas

Chapter 11

We're back to measuring things, a la Ezekiel. An angel hands John a ruler and tells him to measure the temple, the altar, and all the people inside. He doesn't need to measure the courtyard because the Gentiles have taken it over for the next 42 months. The angel promises to give his powers over to two witnesses, who will stand there prophesying in sackcloth for the next 1,260 days. No doubt they will be every bit as convincing as old Zeke. When they finish talking, a beast will come out of hell and kill them. Their bodies will lie in the streets for 3 1/2 days, and people will rejoice and send each other presents because there is nothing worth celebrating more than when a prophet finally shuts up. After those 3.5 days, the witnesses will go up to heaven on a cloud, and a great earthquake will hit Jerusalem, killing 7000 and convincing the rest to glorify god.

Then the angel points two two olive trees and two candlesticks and informs us they're pyrokinetic and will burn anyone who tries to hurt them alive. They also have the power to turn the rain off and to turn the rivers into blood, and to unleash plagues on the earth.

Apparently all that was the second woe? And the third starts when the seventh angel blows his trumpet. When he does, a chorus says The kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever (v. 15). Then the 24 elders all fall down to thank god for destroying the earth. Then the heavens open and the temple is visible through a thunderstorm, hail and another earthquake.

Chapter 12

Now a woman appears wearing the sun as a dress and some stars as a crown. She's standing on the moon, giving birth. Respect. Then a red dragon appears. He has seven heads, each topped by a crown and ten horns. He knocks down a third of the stars with his tail, then positions himself under the woman, ready to eat her kid. Alas, he doesn't get the chance as god scoops him up as soon as he's born and promises he'll rule the earth with an iron fist. The woman runs off into the wilderness, where god promises that whatever's in there will feed her for the next 1,260 days.

Now there's a war in heaven, with Michael the archangel and his angel army fighting the dragon. The dragon eventually loses and is kicked out of heaven. Another voice promises that everything will be fine now that Satan has been removed from the premises. Alas, the earth is SOL because Satan now lives here and he's got to do maximum destruction in a minimum amount of time. He immediately goes off in search of the woman, but she is given eagle wings and flies off to her nest, which has been stocked for the next 42 months.

Satan, not remembering that she can fly, upchucks a flood in hopes of flushing her out, but the earth helps her and swallows the water. This pisses Satan off, so he makes war with her descendents.

Revelation, Chapters 9 & 10: I dreamed a dream

Chapter 9

The fifth angel blows his trumpet and a star falls to earth, where it is given a key to the bottomless pit (v. 1). He (or maybe she? It's quite hard to identify a star's gender) turns the key in the lock and opens the door, which emits a giant belch of smoke that blocks out the sun and moon. Locusts fly out of the smoke and are given the power of scorpions. They're told to leave the grass and trees alone and to focus their rage solely on the humans who don't have god's seal of approval on their foreheads. They're also instructed not to kill the non-marked people, just to torture them with scorpion stings for five months. They're promised that the men will want to die, but won't be able to. John gets a closer look at the locust/scorpions, and sees that they look like battle horses wearing crowns and with the faces of men, hair of women, lion's teeth and scorpion stingers. They're wearing breastplates and their wings sound like chariots.

The locusts have a king, Abaddon on Hebrew or Apollyon in Greek, or 'The Destroyer' in English, because this book can never, ever be subtle.

The sixth angel sounds and one of the horns on the altar starts speaking. It tells the angel to let four other angels who are currently imprisoned in the Euphrates river out. The angels have a year, a month, a day and an hour to kill a third of the people on earth, so clearly they need an army of 200 000 horsemen, mounted on horses wearing breastplates of fire, and of jacinth, and brimstone (v. 17) and with the heads of lions that breathe fire, smoke and brimstone and bitey snakes for tails. With all this in place, they run around and kill a third of the populace. The non-believers who don't die also refuse to repent.

Chapter 10

Yet another angel flies in, this one wearing cloud clothing and a rainbow hat. His face is as bright as the sun and his feet are pillars of fire. He lands with one foot in the sea and the other on land. He's holding a little book. He opens his mouth to speak and roars like a lion. When he stops, John goes to write what he said down, but only gets as far as raise show dogs before the angel tells him to keep what he said a secret. Then he raises his hands to heaven and swears that time stops now. He also says that when the seventh angel blows his trumpet, it will be the fulfillment of god's plan. God then speaks and tells John to go take the book from the angel. He does, and the angel instructs him to eat it, but promises it will taste like honey but eventually give him a tummy-ache, because paper is indigestible.

Revelation, Chapters 7 & 8: Nightmare at 20 000 feet

When I was about 5, I snuck into the room while my parents were watching The Twilight Zone: The Movie, probably exactly when this clip was playing. It took me years to get over it.

Chapter 7

John now sees the four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding on to the wind, keeping it off the earth. A fifth angel starts rising in the east and tells the other four that he's just going to quickly mark god's 144 000 best christians(12 000 from each Israelite tribe) so they're safe from harm, and then they can start destroying everything.

Then John notices that a large crowd has gathered around the Jesus lamb, all dressed in white and carrying palm fronds. The angels give up on world destruction and also come over to worship the lamb. One of the elders is getting a bit senile and asks John who the people in white are, but then he remembers they're martyrs and they've washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb (v. 14). Now they live in heaven, safe from famine, thirst and skin cancer. 

Chapter 8

The Jesus lamb opens the seventh seal and for half an hour, there is blessed silence. But then someone gives the seven angels trumpets. An eighth angel flies up to the altar carrying a censer full of incense and starts praying for the saints. Then he fills the censer with fire from the altar and throws it down to earth, which causes people to start shrieking again, as well as a thunderstorm and an earthquake. 

By now, the trumpeter angels have finished warming up. The first one blows his horn and a mix of hail, fire and blood falls to earth, burning a third of the trees and all of the grass. The second angel toots his own horn and a burning mountain falls into the sea, turning a third of it into blood, killing a third of the sea life and sinking a third of the ships. The third angel's trumpet causes a star to fall out of the sky and destroy a third of the rivers and fountains. This particular star is called Wormwood and it also poisons the water. The fourth angel's trumpeting is so bad it kills a third of the sun, moon and stars and kills a third of the day. The action is cut off by yet another angel flying through the air crying out woe to the people, because we haven't heard the other 3 trumpets yet.

Revelation, Chapters 5 & 6: Dreamweaver

Chapter 5

God picks up a book with seven seals binding it shut. Suddenly an angel starts shrieking Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof? (v. 2) No one can, which causes John to cry. One of the old dudes in the chairs assures him that Jesus can open the book.

Next, a dead lamb appears in the middle of the floor. It has seven horns and seven eyes, because it represents the seven spirits of god. It takes the book and the old dudes and the animals all start worshiping it. Now they have harps and censers and they sing about Jesus and the book. 

John realises that there are more things in the room as millions of angels and animals, then everything on earth starts shouting about Jesus. Then the original four animals say amen.

Chapter 6

The Jesus lamb starts opening the seals on the book. The first one causes a man with a bow to appear, riding a white horse. They put a crown on him and he rides off to conquer stuff. The second horse is red and its rider has a sword. He gallops off to take away peace on earth and make people kill each other. The third rider is on a black horse and has a set of balancing scales. He babbles for a bit about the price of wheat and reminds us not to overdo it on the wine or oil. The fourth horse is pale (v. 8) and is being ridden by Death, with Hell following along behind. Death is given charge of a quarter of the earth and is allowed to kill people by the sword, famine or wild beasts. When the fifth seal is opened, John sees a bunch of martyred souls under the altar shrieking about vengeance. They are handed white robes and told it will be a while yet, but to hang tight until their brethren are similarly killed. The sixth seal causes a massive earthquake and solar eclipse and the moon turns crimson. The stars fall down and the figs die. Heaven rolls up and the mountains and islands all take one step to the left. The people hide and beg the mountains to give them shelter from the wrath of god.

Revelation, Chapters 3 & 4: Nightmare on Elm Street

Chapter 3

Sardis: You're the living dead. Don't get too excited, though, because you aren't perfect yet and Jesus could come back at any time. There are a few people who haven't defiled their garments (v. 4) and he'll dress them up in white and recommend them to god. 

Philadelphia: You, Jesus likes. He likes you so much he's going to force the worshipers from a nearby synagogue (or as John likes to call it: the synagogue of Satan (v. 9) to worship the christians. He also promises not to put them on trial during the apocalypse. Finally, he agrees to give them all free tattoos: one with god's name, another with Jerusalem's new name, and finally one with his new name. 

Laodiceans: You, Jesus is not so sure about. You've been tepid in your faith and he's been thinking of spitting you out as a result. Apparently they've come into some money and have been bragging that they don't need anything. Jesus counsels them to buy white clothing, gold and eye makeup. He invites himself over to their houses for dinner and promises that in return, when he takes them to heaven, he'll sit them on the throne with himself and his dad.

Chapter 4

Now the really trippy part starts. John looks up and sees a door into heaven. A voice calls to him to come up and check things out. He has an out of body experience and goes through the door. The first thing he sees is a throne with a figure on it like a jasper and a sardine stone (v. 3) with a green rainbow around it. There are 24 old men in crowns seated around the main throne. Everybody is silent because the throne has thunder and lightening and voices coming from it. There are seven candlesticks in front of the throne, each representing a spirit. Also in front of the throne is a sea of crystal glass. Arranged around it are four beasts- a lion, a calf, a man and an eagle,  with eyes in the fronts and backs of their heads. Each has six wings with eyes on it, and each just sits there all day shrieking Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come (v. 8). When god gets tired of hearing that, the old men cast their crowns at his feet and say  Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. (v. 11)

Revelation, Chapters 1 & 2: Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Revelation is the most controversial book in the bible, the one that almost didn't make it in during the Nicene Council, a collection of visions worthy of only the best of acid trips. I say, after 21 books of being told to behave because the world really is going to end now, bring it on.

Chapter 1

Jesus decided to let his friend John have a peek at what the end of the world will look like, even though the time is at hand (v. 3). First he sends greetings to the seven churches of Asia from god's seven bestie angels and from Jesus, who, we are gruesomely reminded washed us from our sins in his own blood (v. 5).

Now, onto the Stephen King part of our story, or if you prefer The Brick Testament: Jesus will arrive on a cloud and people will start to wail, because he'll announce that he's here to end the world. John pauses the action briefly to give us some background on his vision: he was on the island of Patmos in the Spirit on the Lord's day (v. 10), which I'm just going to infer means 'drunk off my ass, and possibly a little high,' when a voice told him to write down everything he's about to see and send it off in book form to the other churches. He turns to look for the source of the voice and sees Jesus sitting at the centre of a circle of seven candlesticks, wearing a skirt belted at the nipples a la Steve Urkel. His hair is white, his eyes red, his feet glowing like brass in a fire, and his voice sounds like waves. He's holding seven stars, his tongue is a two-edged sword, and his face is shiny. John faints, but Jesus revives him and says he's back and he stole the keys to heaven and hell from his dad. He explains that the stars are angels and the candles are churches.

Chapter 2

Jesus has a message for the angel of the church at Ephesus: he knows they've been hard workers and haven't listened to any of those pesky christian dissenters, but he still doesn't like them because thou hast left thy first love (v. 3). Jesus threatens that, unless they take her back and apologise, he'll throw their candlestick away like he did with the hated Nicolaitanes. He promises that if they do that, he'll let them eat from the tree of life. 

Now, a few words for the church angel in Smyrna: he knows they're doing good works, but also that they're being persecuted by some people claiming to be Jews but who are really the synagogue of Satan (v. 9). He also informs them that they can expect to be thrown into prison and tortured for 10 days, during which time they will possibly die, but he'll reward them for it. 

Pergamos, aka Satan's seat (v. 13): someone named Antipas was martyred there, but he still doesn't like them for eating meat intended for sacrifice and for fornicating. Also, they've been sheltering his hated Nicolaitanes. He advises them to repent before he comes over there with his tongue-sword. 

Now he has a message for all christians: if you can persevere, he'll give you manna and a stone with your secret name on it. 

Thyatira: you've been good, but you're also under the sway of a woman who calls herself Jezebel and claims to be a prophetess. She's been teaching them to fornicate and to eat sacrificial meat. He warned her to stop, but she didn't so now he's going to throw her into a torture bed with her lovers. He's also going to kill her children with death (v. 23) so everyone will know he judges you by your kidneys and your heart. He promises that people who obey until the end will rule over nations with an iron bar they can use to shatter potters' vases. As a bonus, he'll give them the morning star, possibly the planet Venus.  

2 & 3 John: John and the real Christ

2 John

John is writing to a lady and her children to remind them to love each other, because there are many antichrists in this world who don't believe Jesus was flesh and blood. No, really, this was a source of huge debate according to Bart D. Erhman: was Jesus really flesh, or spirit made to look like flesh? This is what the top minds in Europe thought about for hundreds of years. Imagine where we'd be if they'd put all that energy into cancer research or combating poverty. Anyway, John is clearly in the 'real flesh' section and promises that anyone on team 'fake flesh' is going to hell, so he urges his followers not to let them into their houses. He promises to come and visit soon.

3 John

John now turns his attention to someone called Gaius, about whom he heard some good things that inspired him to write. He praises him for his evanglising and for not accepting gifts from non-christians. He also passes along some gossip about a church run by one of his political enemies, a man named Diotrephes, who is trying to take over church leadership and who he unironically accuses of talking smack about him. He urges Gaius not to be swayed by Diotrephes so he can go to heaven.

And that's it. Two shortest books in the New Testament.

1 John, Chapters 1-5: The sky is falling

Chapter 1

'John', who is certainly not the same 'John' as who wrote the gospel of 'John' swears up and down he's telling the truth that he knew Jesus and by extension god and now he wants to pass along their message of light. He's also a huge talk-downer, constantly referring to his followers as little children. He informs us that we've been purged of all our sins by the blood of Christ, but then tells us we all sin, and to deny that is to lie. So the answer is to confess and be forgiven.

Chapter 2

Try not to sin. But when you inevitably do, confess and all will be well. You know Jesus if you keep his commandments. Lots of people claim to know him and not follow his teachings, but they're liars. How else can you tell if you're a believer? Well, if you love your brother, you're good. If you don't: hell. Also, don't love the world, or indulge your lusts or be proud, because this is all ending soon and the only thing that will matter is whether you obeyed god.

It's the end of days, and there are a lot of antichrists about, which 'John' defines as former believers and non-believers. Anyone who doesn't believe in both Jesus and god doesn't worship the same god, so take that, Jews! Now, sit back and get ready for the return of Jesus.

Chapter 3

The world ignores the christians, but that's okay because it will all be over soon. Meanwhile, keep hope and don't sin. Except that somewhere between chapter one and now, John has had a change of heart and decided that Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him (v. 6) In fact, the only people who sin are devils. He moves the goalposts even further, telling is that not only do christians not sin, they don't even do things that aren't righteous. So love one another, even if the world hates you. Hating your brother is akin to murder. Show your love through works. God knows what's in your heart, so all you have to do is ask for things and he'll give them. 

Chapter 4

Don't hedge your bets by worshiping every god around, you only need one. How will you know who to believe? If they say Jesus was flesh and blood, they're real. Also, the spirit is stronger in you than it is in the world. Anyway, love each other, because god is love (v. 8) and God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him (v. 9). If you love people god will live in you. If you believe in Jesus, god will love you. If you have fear, god doesn't love you, nor does he love you if you hate your brother.

Chapter 5

We know Jesus was god's son because he was baptised and then he died on the cross. Also, the father, the son and the holy ghost are the same thing and you have to believe in all three. There is something called a sin unto death (v. 16), but what that might be, John doesn't say. Also, it's possible to commit sins that don't carry the death penalty, but again, we don't know what those are. Fortunately if you're a christian, you can't sin, just all those other assholes out there. 

Acts, Chapter 8: Aren't sorcerers just other people's messiahs?

Saul is thoroughly approving of Stephen's death, though he doesn't participate himself because he's too busy watching everyone's clothes. This marks the beginning of a great persecution of Jesus' followers, who scatter throughout Israel. Only the disciples stay in Jerusalem.

The bible is extremely bad at sustaining a single thought, so the next verse is about how a group of men takes Stephen's body and buries it. Then we're immediately back on Saul, who starts going house to house arresting members of the new religion. Then we're told again that they've scattered around Israel. One of them, Philip, ends up in Samaria, where he preaches and, most importantly, drives out unclean spirits. His rival is a man named Simon, whom the bible calls a sorcerer, but whose followers no doubt called a prophet or a messiah, who has bewitched the people. In the end, Philip wins out, and the people start getting baptised, including Simon, who knows when he's been beaten.

When the apostles hear that Samaria has been won, they send Peter and John to pray to the holy ghost to enter into the people there. Apparently if you've been baptised, that's not enough, you also need the holy spirit, though no one seems clear as to what it actually does. Anyway, the apostles lay their hands on the new converts and the holy spirit enters them. Simon sees this and, being a wily charlatan, holds out some money and asks for the same power. Alas, he doesn't know what kind of cult he's dealing with yet, so Peter witheringly tells him that his money is no good because his heart isn't pure, and advises him to repent. Simon asks them to pray to god for his salvation, but we don't know if they did.

In the next scene, the disciples go back to Jerusalem to preach among the Samaritans, and Philip receives a message to go to Gaza. Once there, he meets an Ethiopian eunuch who is Queen Candace's treasury secretary. This eunuch has been praying in Jerusalem, and is sitting in his chariot reading about Isaiah, which speaks to either the quality of the roads or the quality of the shock absorption technology of the time, but either way it's pretty impressive. The holy spirit tells Philip to go over and join the eunuch in his chariot. So, in the manner of annoyingly friendly seatmates on long journeys everywhere, Philip trots along next to the chariot and asks the eunuch about what he's reading. Now, in this situation I usually look around for a free seat or just tell the person I'm working so please leave me alone, but the eunuch says he doesn't understand the text, and invites Philip to climb into the chariot and explain it to him. Which also keeps happening to me with this blog, actually. The same Protestants who insist that everyone should read the bible for him or herself want to tell me how to read it. As Philip does here, explaining everything from Isaiah to Jesus on what must have felt like the longest road trip ever.

To break up the journey, the eunuch notices a pond and asks Philip if he can baptise him right then and there. Philip agrees. Oddly, once they've finished, the holy ghost snatches Philip away and the eunuch never sees him again, though he went on his way rejoicing (v. 39) which I like to think is at least partly because no one is interrupting his reading, but is unlikely, since he's the idiot who invited Philip into his chariot in the first place.

Philip, meanwhile, has appeared in a place called Azotus, and goes on preaching in all the cities.

John, Chapter 21: Fish Fry

A few of the apostles go night fishing at Tiberias. They don't catch anything and return to shore, where Jesus is waiting. He asks if they have any fish. No, they reply. He tells them to cast their nets off the right side of the boat, and they come back so full they can't haul them up. One of the disciples comments to Peter that this must be Jesus doing. For some reason, Peter is naked, and for some even more bizarre reason, he puts his clothes on and jumps into the sea. Fortunately, the others are more sensible and row the boat the hundred yards or so back to shore, towing the net full of fish.

When they arrive, they discover that Jesus has set up a fish fry. He asks them to add their catch to the picnic, and it turns out they caught 153 fish. All of them are so convinced by now that this really is Jesus that they don't ask him for ID or demand to poke his injuries or anything.

During the picnic, Jesus keeps asking Simon Peter if he loves him more than he loves anyone else, and Simon Peter keeps affirming that he does, and Jesus keeps telling him to feed his sheep. After asking him three times, Jesus changes the subject and informs him that when he's old, he'll be crucified as well.

As they've been talking, another disciple has approached. Simon Peter asks what his fate will be. Jesus says it's not really his business, but this one will probably survive until he returns again. I'm not going to go back and re-read this entire book, but I think this is one of the few, extremely muted, references to the apocalypse in this book. Funny how things change when it's a hundred years later and your prophecies haven't come true.

Anyway, the other disciples falsely conclude that Jesus means that particular apostle will not die, but the book is at pains to point out that isn't true. The book also says that there are so many other things Jesus did that if they were written down, the resulting library would be bigger than the whole world.

John, Chapter 20: Girls have cooties

Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb and finds the stone is missing and the tomb empty. She runs off to find Simon Peter and tell him that Jesus' body is missing. Simon Peter finds another disciple and together they go to check on Mary's story. They, too, find nothing inside but a burial shroud. Apparently they haven't figured out yet that he must rise again from the dead (v. 9). Not knowing what else to do, the disciples go home.


Mary stays outside the tomb weeping. She peers inside again and suddenly there are two white-robed angels sitting on the floor. They ask her why she's crying and she explains how Jesus is dead and all and it's totally bumming her out. She turns around and Jesus is there, but she doesn't recognise him. In fact, she thinks he's the gardner and he moved the body. She asks for it back. Then he says her name and she gets it and calls him Master. 


She must make a move to hug him or something, because Jesus tells her not to touch him because he hasn't ascended yet and cooties might stop the process. She goes off again to tell the disciples what she's seen. 


That night, the disciples have gathered in a locked house (fear of their fellow Jews, natch) when Jesus appears and greets them. They don't believe him until he shows them his hands and side, which haven't healed, which kinda makes him a zombie, no? He says he's leaving, but the holy ghost is on its way and to carry on with his work. 


Thomas, or Didymus if you're nasty, is away at the time Jesus shows up and therefore doesn't believe the others when they tell him the story. He says he needs to touch the actual injuries to believe it. Eight days later, Jesus shows up again. This time Thomas is there, and he invites him to poke around in his festering wounds. Jesus remarks that though Thomas insisted on seeing to believe, people who just accept wild tales of death and resurrection without question are the really blessed folks. He also gives them some other signs, but we aren't privy to them. John swears there's another book out there somewhere, he just didn't include everything.

John, Chapter 19: The Stuff of Mel Gibson's Wet Dreams

Pilate flogs Jesus for a bit, then has him dressed in a crown of thorns and a purple robe. The soldiers smack him around a bit more and call him King of the Jews! (v. 2) Pilate again tries to wash his hands of the mess, saying he can't see where Jesus is guilty, but the audience is bloodthirsty and insists on punishing him for something. Pilate is afraid they're getting out of hand, and goes back in to ask Jesus where he's from. Jesus refuses to answer. Even Pilate is losing his temper at this point, and reminds Jesus that he has the power to either execute or exonerate him here. Jesus says his power comes from god and the people who brought him are the real sinners. I don't know. It seems like not executing the innocent just to appease the braying masses is just one of those unpopular decisions that politicians sometimes have to make and Pilate is just as guilty as the crowd here.

Pilate tries again to say 'Fuck it. I am tired of you bringing me the people you're mad at and expecting me to kill them for you.' But by now the people have just decided to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks, so if they can't get Pilate to convict Jesus of sedition, they'll accuse Pilate of the same thing. Finally, Pilate is convinced that every single person in this drama is utterly insane and it's not worth his own head to save one idiot who is determined to die anyway, so he goes back inside and gets Jesus and says Jews, Behold your King! (v. 14) But the Jews are like, 'Nah, Caesar is our king, not this guy,' which, if you believe anything my hero Bart D. Erhman has to say, which I do, because he's super-knowledgeable about this stuff, would never, ever have happend in a million of one years. Not the Jesus bit, the Caesar bit. Un. Governable. 


Finally, Pilate has no choice but to admit defeat and order Jesus crucified. In this version they make Jesus carry his own cross along the Via Dolorosa to Golgotha, where they hang a banner over his head helpfully reading JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF THE JEWS (v. 19) in Greek, Latin and Hebrew. The chief priest prostests the wording of the sign, but Pilate puts his foot down and refuses to change it. Surprisingly, this does not lead to revolt. Meanwhile, the soldiers are trying to figure out what to do with his clothes. Eventually, despite being a Roman soldier, one of them remembers a Hebrew scripture about dividing a prophet's clothing by casting lots, so that's what they do.

Three women, all named Mary, which isn't confusing at all, show up, as well as an unnamed disciple. Jesus orders the disciple to adopt his mother, which he does. Then he complains he's thirsty, so the soldiers give him some vinegar, which kills him.

Because it's the Sabbath, and people don't like thinking about how horrible they are on feast days, the Jews ask Pilate to break the prisoners' legs to speed up their deaths so they can take them off the cross.  Only then do they notice that Jesus is dead. One of them callously picks up a spear and stabs him in the side with it. Blood and water pour out. Apparently these fulfill an Old Testament prophecy.

Joseph of Arimathaea, fearing what will happen to Jesus' body if the Jews find it, asks Pilate if he can have it. Pilate shrugs. Nicodemus helps and also brings along a hundred frigging pounds of anointing spices. They wrap the body in the spiced shroud and put him in a fresh tomb conveniently located in the garden where he was crucified, a location that could be anywhere in Jerusalem, depending on your personal beliefs.

John, Chapter 13: When is it alright for men to bathe each other?

It's now just before Passover, and Jesus knows he's got to die this weekend. First, god lets the devil enter Judas Iscariot's heart. Then, Jesus takes off his robe and wraps a towel around his waist. He washes the disciples' feet and dries them with same. Simon Peter gets a little squicky at the erotic overtones of another man washing his feet and tries to refuse. Jesus informs him that he doesn't get it and if he doesn't accept this foot bath, he can't go to heaven. Peter takes a deep breath and asks him to wash everything, then. Jesus, who, mind, used to tell us it isn't necessary to wash our hands before eating, stays true to form and says if you've had a bath recently you only need to clean your feet in between. He informs the disciples that most of them are clean enough, but not all, meaning Judas. Then he puts his clothes back on and tells them to wash each others' feet from now on.

Now he starts to talk about his own death, a subject he never, ever gets tired of. He explains that one of them is going to betray him. Of course they want to know who, and he draws it out as long and dramatically as possible, dipping a piece of bread in the gravy and saying the person he passes it to will be the one to betray him, then handing it to Judas, rather than just saying 'Judas will do the deed.' Judas eats the bread, which allows Satan to enter into his body, again. Jesus asks him to get it over with quickly.

Even now that Jesus has explained what is going to happen, the disciples still don't get it. Some of them think Jesus is instructing Judas to buy provisions for the feast, others think he's telling him to give alms to the poor. Regardless, Judas leaves right away.

As soon as he's gone, Jesus tells the others he has a new commandment for them: That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (v. 34) He says he has to go away soon, and they can't come after him yet. Peter gets a bit whiny, asking why he can't go now, and swearing he would lay down his life for him. Jesus mocks him and says he'll deny him three times that night.

John, Chapter 12: Celebrity Stalking

Jesus goes over to Lazarus' house for dinner, and things immediately go weird. As they're eating, Lazarus' sister Mary brings in a freaking pound of expensive perfume and rubs it all over Jesus' feet, rubbing it in with her hair. This makes the entire house stink, because you're only supposed to use a few drops, not the whole brick. Judas, his supper ruined, asks why the perfume couldn't have been sold and the money distributed to the poor. Only by now, 60 years after all these events supposedly took place, Judas no longer cares about the poor. Now he's a thief who's been pilfering from the disciples' moneybag, and he wants the three hundred pence for himself. Also, the disciples now have a moneybag. I seem to recall Jesus specifically telling them  not to carry money in the other gospels. Oh, yes, there we go: Luke 9:3, Mark 6:8, Matthew 10:9: Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts. Funny how things change when you have an agenda and there's no one to refute you. Jesus tells him to knock it off, the perfume is for his burial and there will always be poor people.

Dinner is further ruined by the arrival of a bunch of gawkers eager for a glimpse of the famous Jesus and Lazarus. The priests debate whether to kill Lazarus as well, since so many people now believe in Jesus thanks to him.

The next day, everybody heads to Jerusalem in hopes of seeing the celebrity preacher. On the way, they grab a bunch of palm fronds and wave them around in the air shouting Hosanna: Blessed is the King of Israel that cometh in the name of the Lord (v. 13). Which I guess is where Palm Sunday comes from. Jesus himself enters the city riding the colt of an ass, because that is somehow important, prophecy-wise. Nobody will understand why until after he's gone.

As Jesus is riding into town, his disciples and the people who saw the Lazarus routine tell the story to anyone and everyone who will listen. People crowd closer to the spectacle. Among them are some Greeks, which I guess is an attempt to explain why a book about an illiterate Aramaic speaker from the Galilee is written in that language, specifically Philip and Andrew. All this worries the Pharisees.

And what does Jesus want to talk about? Death. What else? As he's praying, a voice seems to come down from heaven, convincing people even further. It doesn't stop Jesus though, because once he's on his favourite subject, it's well nigh impossible to get him to talk about anything else. The people try their darndest, though, asking him who this son of man is. His reply is a confusing parable about light and dark and when is the best time to go for a walk. Then he leaves for an undisclosed location. The people are not convinced, despite his many miracles. Why not? Well, god is up to his old trick of hardening hearts against himself.

Although Jesus has not had much success with the common people, apparently many of the high priests have secretly converted, but haven't said anything publicly for fear of the Pharisees' reaction.

Meanwhile, wherever he is, Jesus is lamenting the peoples' stubborn, god-hardened hearts. He swears he isn't here to judge the world, but to bring peace, and all the judgement will be left up to god.

John, Chapter 11

Lazarus is sick. We've never met Lazarus before, but we did meet his sisters Mary and Martha back in Luke. The sisters send word to Jesus to come and heal their brother. His reply is kind of heartless: This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby. (v. 4) And then it gets worse: as Lazarus is getting sicker and sicker, he hangs out for another two days before casually suggesting to his disciples that maybe they ought to swing through Judea again. The disciples are against this plan, pointing out that the last time they went there, the Jews wanted to stone him. He says the hour of his death has not yet arrived, so chill. 


A bit later, Jesus informs the disciples that Lazarus is sleeping and he needs to go and wake him. They tell him to just let the poor guy rest, so he explains that Lazarus has died and they need to go. They agree to go, even though they fear the Jews will finish off that stoning they started. When they arrive, they discover that Lazarus has already been dead for 4 days.


Lazarus' sisters hear that Jesus has arrived. Mary sulks in the house, but Martha goes forth to rebuke him for not saving their brother and to ask him to ask god to do something. Jesus promises that Lazarus will rise again. Martha's all yeah, right, when the end of the world comes. But Jesus says I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? (v. 25-26) Martha strokes his ego and says yes, then leaves to find her sister.

Mary is sitting at home with a group of ritual mourners and is all too happy to leave when her sister arrives to whisper that Jesus wants to talk to her. The mourners, feeling like they haven't earned their keep quite yet, deduct that she's going to cry by the grave again and follow her. Mary also rebukes Jesus for not being there, which sparks just the tiniest bit of guilt in him. He asks where the grave is, and even manages to squeeze out a tear, which convinces the Jews that he really does love them, and maybe he could even have saved Lazarus?

They come to the cave where Lazarus is buried and Jesus instructs Martha to move the stone covering the entrance. She protests that by now the body stinks. Jesus points out that she said she believed earlier, so she moves the stone. Jesus says a short prayer and shouts Lazarus, come forth. (v. 43) and he does! In his funeral clothes.


Now, some of the people who saw this become Jesus' followers, but others go and tell the Pharisees, who have been oddly absent in this chapter. The Pharisees have a meeting and point out that if they let Jesus continue, everyone will believe in him and the Romans will take their country away. Caiaphas scoffs that they dont' realise it's better to let one person die than to lose all their land. He predicts that Jesus will die for their nation and diaspora. They make the decision to kill him. This causes Jesus to go into hiding, even missing his favourite ritual of going to Jerusalem during Passover to shriek at people in the temple. They kinda miss him but the priests have ordered his arrest if he shows up.

John, Chapter 10

Parable time: Anyone who enters your sheepfold by climbing over the fence is a thief, but people who go through the gate are shepherds. It's a foolproof system! Actually, there are other ways to figure out if a so-called shepherd is legit or not: if he says bah ram ewe and the sheep respond, he's good, but they won't respond to a stranger. The people must look confused, because nobody likes riddles. So Jesus explains: everyone that came before him was a thief, he's the gate. He also says I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep (v. 11), even though he literally just said he was a gate. He explains further that hired shepherds will flee when they see a wolf, but not him because he's got a permanent contract. He also says that his death will be voluntary, and he has the power to resurrect himself as well. This causes the Jews to wonder if he's not crazy.

Now it's a feast day and Jesus is sitting on a porch at the temple. Some Jews approach him and ask him outright if he's the Messiah. He says he did tell them, but they aren't his sheep, so they didn't listen. He also says he's god. They do not like that, so they pick up stones. Jesus points out that all of his good works are divine, so which one, exactly, are they stoning him for? They say it isn't for his good works, it's for claiming divinity. Jesus points out that the book of Psalms says Ye are gods (v. 34). He also tells them they don't have to believe in him, but they ought to believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father is in me, and I in him (v. 38). 


This proves the last straw, and the Jews try to capture him, but he runs off to the place on the River Jordan where he first met John the Baptist, where he converts more people.