Isaiah, Chapters 31 & 32

Chapter 31

Isaiah's continuing campaign against hiring Egyptian mercenaries: better to turn your attention to god, who is planning some vague evil against the politicians and ambassadors. He points out that men and horses are flesh, and in a war situation it's much better to have spirits on your side than people with weapons. He compares it to shepherds attacking a lion, who just growls at them. He also says that god is like a flock of birds hovering over your city: full of shit. Okay, he doesn't say that. Methinks Isaiah was not a soldier before he became a prophet.

What should they do instead? Cast away their idols and wait for god to defeat the Assyrians.

Chapter 32

Another prophecy that has yet to come true: god is going to appoint a righteous king with just princes, as opposed to the usual rabble of inbred tits one usually finds in royal families, I suppose. They'll provide housing and public works and free glasses to the blind and hearing aids for the deaf and free schools and speech therapy.

Fools and scoundrels (read: political and military, as opposed to religious leaders) will discredit themselves through dumb speeches and welfare cuts. But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. (v. 8) Try to find a Republican who quotes that particular verse.

He even makes an appeal to women to listen to him, but only so he can tell them the grape harvest is going to fail, so what they have to do is take off their nice clothes and wear sackcloth and slap their breasts in sorrow because god is going to get smity for awhile.

But then he'll restore everything, because some years there is rain in the right amounts and at the right times and other years there is drought and if you haven't invented modern irrigation you're at the mercy of the elements, which you may start to think of as god-like and then just god. Then there will be peace for a few years, followed by more hail, because Mother Nature god is just funny like that sometimes.

Isaiah, Chapters 29 & 30: Channeling Ghost

Chapter 29

Either Jerusalem changed its name, or we've wandered into a production of The Tempest because Isaiah is now cursing someone or something called Ariel, which he is going to besiege and destroy at the same time as all his other enemies. How's he going to destroy it? The usual: fires, earthquakes tempests (v. 6). It's going to be as bad as when you fall asleep hungry and then dream that you're eating and wake up still hungry and realise you forgot to go to the store but it's okay because we live in a 24/7 world and not the Bronze Age, where not having any food REALLY meant you wouldn't eat that day.

People who don't believe him are blind and drunk and listening to false prophets. To convince them, he's going to perform some wondrous works of nature that will wipe away their memories.

Never forget that god knows everything and we are as the potter's clay: for shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding? (v. 16).

Finally, god promises to do something nice instead of smiting and plaguing and burning shit down: he's going to make the crops grow in Lebanon, restore hearing to the deaf, make the blind see and make the meek and poor love him more. Politicians will be consumed. I guess this one hasn't come true yet. The point of all this? To make people who only murmured the words believe them.

Chapter 30

Threats against those who would make a treaty with Egypt: A caravan carrying money to pay for mercenaries will have to cross a desert full of lions, snakes and fiery flying serpents (v. 6) will come to nought, because you just can't trust 'em. Why? John Locke says so. Whoops! Not for another 2000 years or so. But the thesis is the same: they don't believe in your god.

More pottery imagery: he shall break it as the breaking of the potters' vessel that is broken in pieces; he shall not spare: so that there shall not be found in the bursting of it a sherd to take fire from the hearth, or to take water withal out of the pit. (v. 14) The only solution is to repent. No matter what they do otherwise, flee on horses, even swift horses, god's horses will be faster.

But when they do repent, god will be forgiving and will teach them to be better and throw away their idols like a menstruous cloth (v. 22). Seriously Isaiah is completely obsessed with the female reproductive cycle. In exchange, they'll get rain, bread and fat cows and dead enemies, in this case the Assyrians, which they will celebrate. Then he'll burn the king at the stake.

Isaiah, Chapters 27 & 28: God hates dragons

Chapter 27

God takes a break from smiting the Moabites to kill Leviathan the sea dragon. In response, the Israelites are supposed sing about red wine from the vineyard god is tending because he finds it soothing. No, I'm not skipping any verses here, that's really how the transition goes. Also, I think the idea of god unwinding in his winery is cute. I wish he spent more time there.

God, speaking through Isaiah, informs us that he would burn any brambles and weeds that threatened his vineyard, though one would think that would also hurt the grapes, but he'd much rather make peace with them. But of course, god isn't really talking about viticulture, he's using a metaphor.

Then we get one of the most awkwardly-phrased sentences in the history of the genre: Hath he smitten him, as he smote those that smote him? or is he slain according to the slaughter of them that are slain by him? (v. 7), talking about Israel's enemies. Dude, there is alliteration and then there's this. Clearly thesauruses had not been invented yet. Then he starts talking about the exile and sin and destroying altars and burning down Jerusalem AGAIN and finally bringing them back.

Chapter 28

Apparently the people of Samaria drink a lot and the city has become the party capital of the Middle East. It's so fun that even the priests and prophets go there for debauchery. So naturally god destroys it with hail and floods, because he hates fun. Or maybe he's just a very zealous cleaner, because all tables are full of vomit and filthiness, so that there is no place clean (v. 8). Good to know the Jersey Shore house has a biblical precedent.

Once he has cleaned up the place, god clearly delineates who will and will not be able to sit down and study with him: people who are weaned will be accepted, those still breast-feeding will have to wait. Get them while they're young, indeed.

Wow. I had no idea that the expression here a little, and there a little (v. 10) was biblical. I thought it was something my mom said to make cleaning up my toys seem like a more manageable task.

Anyway, once god has raised his army of scholars, he'll take on the political leadership, who are, of course, a bunch of lying rogues that have all made deals with the devil. Because theocracies are always so fun to live in. How is he going to do it? Tiny House! Literally. He's going to make the beds too short and the covers to narrow. And you know he can because he spends the rest of the chapter describing his intimate knowledge of which farming implements should be used to harvest which grains.

Isaiah, Chapters 25 & 26: Apocalypse Now and Forever

Chapter 25

Because he's insane, Isaiah exalts god for destroying Jerusalem. Yet somehow he has protected the poor and given them refuge from storms and heat. You know what really protects from water and sun? A house.

Next, god cordially invites you to a mountain-top feast for all the people of the world. As a grand finale, he'll rid the world of death. And people will praise him. Well, people will praise anyone who cooks for them, especially if they don't then have to do the dishes.

All the world's people, that is, save for the Moabites. They're going to be thrown on the dungheap like old straw.

Chapter 26

A song about holy cities and only the righteous being allowed inside. There will be perfect peace because no one will live there. He will also punish bad people. He calls on righteous people to obey god's laws and tells us how eagerly he's awaiting god's return.

Isaiah admits that the Israelites have strayed in their exclusive relationship with god and promises that NOW he's the only one for them. They thank him for killing off their enemies and increasing their territory and disciplining them when they needed it. He then makes ANOTHER reference to women in childbirth like, dude, get a new simile. Then we're told that dead people will come back to life and the living will rejoice rather than run away in terror. He encourages those self-same living to go home and hide out until god's in a better mood, because he's coming around now with punishing on the brain.

Isaiah, Chapters 23 & 24: What? You thought predicting the apocalypse was a new thing?

Chapter 23

Tyre, a great trading port in Syria, is doomed to flooding so severe not a building will remain. Other countries, their trading revenue dried up, will howl at the thought of the priestly class taking over the economy as well, because among the many things priests are not good at is economics, which they regard as prostitution.

The people of Sidon are also doomed to wander the earth in exile, BTW.

Chapter 24

Isaiah predicts the apocalypse, and oddly it's not that different from what Harold Camping said would happen: since god promised not to flood the earth again, but never said anything about burning it, this time he's going to follow a scorched-earth policy, then scatter the people all about. Why? Because we haven't been obeying the laws.

Then Isaiah predicts Prohibition: the grapes will wither on the vine, the beer will go sour, and all the parties will stop. People will 'hide' in their 'houses,' which I'm just going to assume is code for 'drink' in 'speakeasies.'

Then, then, when there is nothing else to do and no way to drown their sorrows, They shall lift up their voice, they shall sing for the majesty of the LORD (v. 14) which first of all: BWA HA HA HA! as if in the entire history of banning vices the result has been a 'turning back to god.' Second, how pathetic is your religion that the only way to get people to pay attention is to take away every other source of amusement?

When even that fails, god will get even more dramatic, causing earthquakes. Then he'll arrest all the other gods and the kings (but not, you will note, the priests)and put them in prison. Then the sun and moon will fade and god will rule over the earth. The scorched, ruined, teetotalling earth. Sounds like a blast.

Isaiah, Chapters 21 & 22: The world is still here

Chapter 21

The fate of the desert of the sea (v. 1), or Babylon: the Elamites and Mediaites will attack. This information makes Isaiah's body hurt like a woman in labour. Or a man who wandered around in the fucking desert for 3 years without so much as a sandal-strap.

He tries to warn them, but they just ignore him, like you would anyone who emerged naked from the desert claiming to have been burnt in the face by an angel. He says god told him to tell them to set up a watchman, who should be especially alert for chariots or people arriving on donkeys or camels. Um, what else does one have a lookout for, if not to spot people arriving in chariots or mounted on something?

Finally, the guard does say that he sees something: a couple of guys in a chariot, who declare that Babylon has fallen and all its idols broken.

Isaiah, sensing he's on a roll, turns his attention to Edom now, where, like a toddler on a car trip that refuses to go to sleep, someone keeps asking him if it's morning yet. Isaiah's reply smacks of the irritated parent: The morning cometh, and also the night: if ye will enquire, enquire ye: return, come (v. 12).

He's STILL not done. A prophesy concerning the Bedouins of Arabia: bring water and food for the (Israelite?) refugees because their civilisation is going to end within the year.

Chapter 22

Isaiah has a vision about the people of Jerusalem running en masse to their rooftops because the streets are full of diseased corpses and the leaders are now prisoners. He must have been such an uplifting dinner guest.

But Isaiah doesn't want your sympathy as he cries for the destruction of his people at the hands of the lord via Elam and Kir! Nope! That's why we're having this conversation! So you won't feel sorry for him! And of course, it's not at all because the priestly class is trying to take credit for defeat as well as victory in war.

Anyway, the Jerusalemites will try to defend themselves, but won't remember that god made all this happen and his instructions for today were to put on sackcloth and ashes and tear out your hair, rather than what they will do, which is make sacrifices and utter one of the most famous lines in the book: let us eat and drink; for to morrow we shall die. (v. 13) And god will never forgive them for it, like a petulant 9 year old.

God also has a message for Shebna, the palace administrator and clearly someone who crossed Isaiah at some point: you're stupidly building your own tomb, because god is going to throw you around like a sack of potatoes into a foreign country where you'll die in disgrace with all your fripperies. I would have loved to have seen Shebna's reaction to all of this. Somehow, I doubt he was shaking in his boots.

Why all these ad hominem attacks on Shebna? Well, so Isaiah's brother-in-law or nephew or cousin or something, Eliakim can have the job, of course! He's going to be the new ruler of the house of David.

Isaiah, Chapters 19-20: Last post before the apocalypse?

I'm writing this on Saturday, 21 May, the day that, according to one particularly well-organised group, will be the first day of the apocalypse. Not that this hasn't happened before.

Chapter 19

God's plans for Egypt. Firs, civil unrest: ride up on a cloud. Cause tension between brothers, cities, kingdoms. Make the survivors heed the council of false idols and wizards. Finally, install a cruel overlord.

Then, economic collapse: cause a drought. Make the fishermen cry. Then do something non-specific to make the weavers and flax-workers sad. Then destroy the fish-farming industry. In fact, make it so there's no work at all.

Political ruin: tell everybody he was watching porn. Whoops! Actually, make the pharaoh's advisors look like drunken fools.

The end result: the Egyptians will be afraid, five of their cities will change their official language to Canaanite, and they'll all convert to Judaism. They'll even build two big altars to god; one in the middle and one on the border. Finally, the Egyptians, Assyrians and Israelites will sign a freedom of movement treaty. If only!

Chapter 20

God tells Isaiah to take off his clothes and shoes and wander naked around Egypt and Ethiopia, because the king of Assyria did the same thing to some Egyptian prisoners and it was humiliating? This will somehow inspire them to rise up against their oppressors.