Chapter 16
Don't hope for a bunch of unprofitable children, and if your sons turn out to be non-believers, don't take any delight in them or your grandchildren. In fact, if you're worried your kids might turn out to be atheists, just don't have them. Solomon has seen all these things and heard worse, like a time when god set fire to a country that didn't believe in him, or another time when he killed 600 000 soldiers. Nonbelievers might sometimes escape unharmed, but it's a miracle if it happens. God rewards as well as punishes, though.
At some point, god is going to visit, and when he does, there will be earthquakes, because we can't understand how god thinks, because most of his works are hidden.
Chapter 17
God made man out of clay and gave him power over the earth, but also made all the animals afraid of us. God also divided something into seven operations (v. 5). He gave five to all animals, then gave men the sixth and seventh, which would be understanding and speech. I'm so glad I don't have to use this book to understand science, because it is literally that specific about what god gave to living creatures.
In a nice bit of revisionism, now god always intended us to understand good and evil and he showed it to us on purpose. He opened our hearts so we might see his works and praise him for it, because god is nothing if not a gloryhound. Then he told us all to spy on our neighbours, because we're all evil inside.
God also appointed all the rulers of nations, but Israel is his special baby, which means they get watched closer than anyone.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 14 & 15: Stalking is wise
Chapter 14
Solomon starts off with a list of people who are blessed in his eyes. It's two verses long, because talking about people with clear consciences is boring. Then he starts in on thieves and psychopaths and jealous lovers and people who only pretend to do good and how they secretly hate people and don't sacrifice properly. Lesson: remember to make your sacrifices, because death will come faster than you think.
Always seek out wisdom, even if you have to pry open her windows or tack things to her walls or camp out in her garden with your kids like some terrifying stalker, because she'll eventually open the door.
Chapter 15
This chapter starts with a tortured metaphor about how the law is like a woman who greets you at the door like a mother but is a virgin in the bedroom. That does not sound like a fun marriage. Even more fun: her cooking consists of bread and water, which supposedly represent understanding and wisdom. Further wifely duties involve exalting the husband to everyone she meets so he gets famous. The husband, for his part, will rely on the wife to not confuse him.
The foolish and the sinful will not understand the law which goes against every law movie or TV show ever. Also, liars can't remember the law, which seems counter intuitive.
Sinners should not utter praise, because it comes from god. I'm going to take it the book is using the definition of praise that means 'expressing thanks or love for god,' in which case it sounds like god is using us to masturbate. Despite this, you shouldn't blame god if you leave the church because you no longer feel like getting god off, because that decision was yours alone.
The last part of the chapter invites us to keep the commandments and explore the fire and water we received from god, but not too far, because the lord is watching lest you sin.
Solomon starts off with a list of people who are blessed in his eyes. It's two verses long, because talking about people with clear consciences is boring. Then he starts in on thieves and psychopaths and jealous lovers and people who only pretend to do good and how they secretly hate people and don't sacrifice properly. Lesson: remember to make your sacrifices, because death will come faster than you think.
Always seek out wisdom, even if you have to pry open her windows or tack things to her walls or camp out in her garden with your kids like some terrifying stalker, because she'll eventually open the door.
Chapter 15
This chapter starts with a tortured metaphor about how the law is like a woman who greets you at the door like a mother but is a virgin in the bedroom. That does not sound like a fun marriage. Even more fun: her cooking consists of bread and water, which supposedly represent understanding and wisdom. Further wifely duties involve exalting the husband to everyone she meets so he gets famous. The husband, for his part, will rely on the wife to not confuse him.
The foolish and the sinful will not understand the law which goes against every law movie or TV show ever. Also, liars can't remember the law, which seems counter intuitive.
Sinners should not utter praise, because it comes from god. I'm going to take it the book is using the definition of praise that means 'expressing thanks or love for god,' in which case it sounds like god is using us to masturbate. Despite this, you shouldn't blame god if you leave the church because you no longer feel like getting god off, because that decision was yours alone.
The last part of the chapter invites us to keep the commandments and explore the fire and water we received from god, but not too far, because the lord is watching lest you sin.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 12 & 13: Avoid pine trees
Chapter 12
Only do good for people you know, so you can get the credit afterwards. Even better is if you can help the godly, because they'll either pay you or god will reward you in heaven. No good can come to evil people if they're evil all the time. No word on what happens if they're only evil on a part-time basis. Don't even give bread to non-believers because they'll then seek to conquer you.
If you're rich, know that you can't make real friends but you can screw your enemies over. On the other hand, if you're poor, you won't have friends, but neither will you have enemies. Don't trust enemies. That's deep, Sol. Also, don't sit next to them, because they want your seat.
Don't pity charming people that get bitten by snakes or attacked by wild beasts.
Chapter 13
Don't touch pitch or you'll be dirty. As in the sticky stuff you sometimes find on pine trees. Actually, that's good advice for life, because that stuff is a motherfucker to get off your clothes, but I don't see the connection with getting into heaven. Other life advice: don't try to be more powerful than you are, or make friends with rich people because you'll break each other. You can totally tell this was commissioned by a king who was trying to hold onto absolute power can't you?
Rich people are inherently evil and use people if they can or ignore them if they can't. Other accusations against rich people: they're thieves, liars and give false hope. They cook you excellent dinners and so you're forced to compete with equally nice food until you're broke. Then they'll laugh at you for spending all your money on dinner parties.
If a rich person invites you to dinner and don't go, he'll just keep inviting you. Don't get too close, but also don't get so far away that you're forgotten. Don't try to hold a conversation with a rich person, because he's only out to manipulate your secrets out of you so he can put you in prison.
In other words, only mix with your own social class. As it is today, when you're rich, it's because of your own talents, and if you're poor, it's your own fault. Finally, be cheerful and don't think too hard about the meaning of parables.
Only do good for people you know, so you can get the credit afterwards. Even better is if you can help the godly, because they'll either pay you or god will reward you in heaven. No good can come to evil people if they're evil all the time. No word on what happens if they're only evil on a part-time basis. Don't even give bread to non-believers because they'll then seek to conquer you.
If you're rich, know that you can't make real friends but you can screw your enemies over. On the other hand, if you're poor, you won't have friends, but neither will you have enemies. Don't trust enemies. That's deep, Sol. Also, don't sit next to them, because they want your seat.
Don't pity charming people that get bitten by snakes or attacked by wild beasts.
Chapter 13
Don't touch pitch or you'll be dirty. As in the sticky stuff you sometimes find on pine trees. Actually, that's good advice for life, because that stuff is a motherfucker to get off your clothes, but I don't see the connection with getting into heaven. Other life advice: don't try to be more powerful than you are, or make friends with rich people because you'll break each other. You can totally tell this was commissioned by a king who was trying to hold onto absolute power can't you?
Rich people are inherently evil and use people if they can or ignore them if they can't. Other accusations against rich people: they're thieves, liars and give false hope. They cook you excellent dinners and so you're forced to compete with equally nice food until you're broke. Then they'll laugh at you for spending all your money on dinner parties.
If a rich person invites you to dinner and don't go, he'll just keep inviting you. Don't get too close, but also don't get so far away that you're forgotten. Don't try to hold a conversation with a rich person, because he's only out to manipulate your secrets out of you so he can put you in prison.
In other words, only mix with your own social class. As it is today, when you're rich, it's because of your own talents, and if you're poor, it's your own fault. Finally, be cheerful and don't think too hard about the meaning of parables.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 10 & 11: Keep hold of your bowels
Chapter 10
Should you become a judge against Solomon's advice, that's cool, but not as cool as being a believer. Still, if you must, make sure your government is well-ordered. Even if your king isn't great, though, just be patient because god will eventually give you good rulers. God's favourite people are scribes.
Now some general life advice: don't be jealous or prideful or another people will steal your kingdom. Also, there is not a more wicked thing than a covetous man: for such a one setteth his own soul to sale; because while he liveth he casteth away his bowels (v. 9) The beginning of pride, and thus auto-disembowelment, is turning away from god. Then you'll immediately start sinning, which will cause god to make your life calamitous. He's been known to do this to arrogant kings and princes and put meek commoners on the throne. Just, you know, no one you've ever heard of, because he erased their names from the history books. Further life advice includes an admonition to no be angry and to obey the laws.
Don't hate people who are smart but poor or elevate sinners. If the smart person is a slave, treat him like he's free, because then when he's actually free, he won't resent you. Don't brag, especially if you're actually broke. It's much better to be poor, because then people will honour you for your skills, whereas rich people are honoured for their wealth. But only by other people. God will reverse the situation.
Everyone dies, even kings, and when they die, they inherit creepy things like beasts and worms.
Chapter 11
Wisdom will elevate you. So will social connections and family money. Don't compliment handsome men or shun ugly ones, because... bees are cute and flies are ugly? There is a comparison there, but it's weird. Don't tell people who made your clothes because god hides his works rather than putting it on his head like a damned shoe hat. Also, many kings have been deposed and honourable men enslaved. Especially on Game of Thrones.
Don't blame people until you know the whole truth. Don't interrupt. Don't get involved in other people's disputes. Haste makes waste. All discrepancies in income or success are because of god. Believing in him will make you rich. Don't bitch about your situation. Remember that one unpleasant hour can make you forget what pleasure is, but god is ever-vigilant.
Don't invite everyone you meet into your house, because soon it won't be your house anymore. Children are the future.
Should you become a judge against Solomon's advice, that's cool, but not as cool as being a believer. Still, if you must, make sure your government is well-ordered. Even if your king isn't great, though, just be patient because god will eventually give you good rulers. God's favourite people are scribes.
Now some general life advice: don't be jealous or prideful or another people will steal your kingdom. Also, there is not a more wicked thing than a covetous man: for such a one setteth his own soul to sale; because while he liveth he casteth away his bowels (v. 9) The beginning of pride, and thus auto-disembowelment, is turning away from god. Then you'll immediately start sinning, which will cause god to make your life calamitous. He's been known to do this to arrogant kings and princes and put meek commoners on the throne. Just, you know, no one you've ever heard of, because he erased their names from the history books. Further life advice includes an admonition to no be angry and to obey the laws.
Don't hate people who are smart but poor or elevate sinners. If the smart person is a slave, treat him like he's free, because then when he's actually free, he won't resent you. Don't brag, especially if you're actually broke. It's much better to be poor, because then people will honour you for your skills, whereas rich people are honoured for their wealth. But only by other people. God will reverse the situation.
Everyone dies, even kings, and when they die, they inherit creepy things like beasts and worms.
Chapter 11
Wisdom will elevate you. So will social connections and family money. Don't compliment handsome men or shun ugly ones, because... bees are cute and flies are ugly? There is a comparison there, but it's weird. Don't tell people who made your clothes because god hides his works rather than putting it on his head like a damned shoe hat. Also, many kings have been deposed and honourable men enslaved. Especially on Game of Thrones.
Don't blame people until you know the whole truth. Don't interrupt. Don't get involved in other people's disputes. Haste makes waste. All discrepancies in income or success are because of god. Believing in him will make you rich. Don't bitch about your situation. Remember that one unpleasant hour can make you forget what pleasure is, but god is ever-vigilant.
Don't invite everyone you meet into your house, because soon it won't be your house anymore. Children are the future.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 7-9: Avoid the psychopaths and hot chicks
Chapter 7
This chapter starts Do no evil, so shall no harm come unto thee (v. 1) which is great if it's life advice, but victim-blaming if it's a promise from god, who has done or allowed plenty of terrible things to happen to good people. Then it tells us to stay away from unjust people or to seek glory from god or the king, and not to boast or offer sacrifices that are clearly better than others'. Furthermore, don't offend all the people in a city, lest you end up like poor Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath. Don't offer to be a judge, be brave when you pray, and remember to donate to charity. Don't be bitter or tell lies about your brother or friend. In fact, not lying is the best practice. Listen to your elders and don't babble when you pray. Enjoy manual labour and don't betray your friends for gold. If you find a wise and good woman, keep her. The definition of wise and good apparently doesn't encompass witty. Also tell your slaves and tradesmen about how awesome good is. If your slave is a good one, feel free to let him go. The criteria for what makes a slave worth of liberation are not enumerated. If you have cows, don't sell them unless it's for a profit. If you have kids, bow donw their neck from their youth (v. 23), not sure if that means you should beat them or encourage them to study. Marrying your daughter off is one of your most important tasks, but try to make a good match. Be nice to your parents, since they brought you into this world. Also be nice to priests, namely by giving them meat that you've barbecued. Poor people, too, and people who are sad or mourning or sick. Finish what you start.
Chapter 8
Only pick fights with weaker men, whether that's in brute strength, wealth, temper, rudeness, or willingness to commit sins. Also, don't lend those people money, because you'll never see it again, or act as their guarantor, because you'll end up paying. Be nice to old people. Don't enjoy schadenfreude. Don't yawn with smart people are talking, rather, try to learn from them. Don't encourage sin. Don't argue the law with judges. Don't travel with brave people, that's a good way to get killed. Also, don't fight with angry people or go into solitary places with them as that's a good way to make sure you never come back. Don't take advice from fools. Don't tell your secrets to strangers.
Chapter 9
Advice about women: don't be jealous of your wife, don't visit prostitutes as they'll take all your money and don't spend much time in the company of singers. Avoid virgins. When in the city, don't make eye contact and don't go into solitary places. I was seriously sitting on a train going to Toronto, one of the safest places in North America, and a woman was talking about how she was taking these exact precautions on her shopping trip that day. Anyway, don't stare at beautiful women, not because it's rude, but because hot chicks are devious. Never ever sit with another man's wife, especially not with her in your lap or in a bar. Old friends are better than new ones. Don't be envious of others' ill-gotten gains. Keep away from men who have killed before, and if you do have to interact with them, be on your best behaviour. Only talk fancy, but socialise.
This chapter starts Do no evil, so shall no harm come unto thee (v. 1) which is great if it's life advice, but victim-blaming if it's a promise from god, who has done or allowed plenty of terrible things to happen to good people. Then it tells us to stay away from unjust people or to seek glory from god or the king, and not to boast or offer sacrifices that are clearly better than others'. Furthermore, don't offend all the people in a city, lest you end up like poor Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath. Don't offer to be a judge, be brave when you pray, and remember to donate to charity. Don't be bitter or tell lies about your brother or friend. In fact, not lying is the best practice. Listen to your elders and don't babble when you pray. Enjoy manual labour and don't betray your friends for gold. If you find a wise and good woman, keep her. The definition of wise and good apparently doesn't encompass witty. Also tell your slaves and tradesmen about how awesome good is. If your slave is a good one, feel free to let him go. The criteria for what makes a slave worth of liberation are not enumerated. If you have cows, don't sell them unless it's for a profit. If you have kids, bow donw their neck from their youth (v. 23), not sure if that means you should beat them or encourage them to study. Marrying your daughter off is one of your most important tasks, but try to make a good match. Be nice to your parents, since they brought you into this world. Also be nice to priests, namely by giving them meat that you've barbecued. Poor people, too, and people who are sad or mourning or sick. Finish what you start.
Chapter 8
Only pick fights with weaker men, whether that's in brute strength, wealth, temper, rudeness, or willingness to commit sins. Also, don't lend those people money, because you'll never see it again, or act as their guarantor, because you'll end up paying. Be nice to old people. Don't enjoy schadenfreude. Don't yawn with smart people are talking, rather, try to learn from them. Don't encourage sin. Don't argue the law with judges. Don't travel with brave people, that's a good way to get killed. Also, don't fight with angry people or go into solitary places with them as that's a good way to make sure you never come back. Don't take advice from fools. Don't tell your secrets to strangers.
Chapter 9
Advice about women: don't be jealous of your wife, don't visit prostitutes as they'll take all your money and don't spend much time in the company of singers. Avoid virgins. When in the city, don't make eye contact and don't go into solitary places. I was seriously sitting on a train going to Toronto, one of the safest places in North America, and a woman was talking about how she was taking these exact precautions on her shopping trip that day. Anyway, don't stare at beautiful women, not because it's rude, but because hot chicks are devious. Never ever sit with another man's wife, especially not with her in your lap or in a bar. Old friends are better than new ones. Don't be envious of others' ill-gotten gains. Keep away from men who have killed before, and if you do have to interact with them, be on your best behaviour. Only talk fancy, but socialise.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 4-6 : How to act on Facebook
Chapter 4
Be nice to people in direr straits than you, because if they curse you, god will punish you. Why god can't see your shitty behaviour for himself is not explained. When you get to judge other people, don't be afraid to bang the gavel hard. Do not, however, bang single mothers. Rather, be a father to their kids without benefits. The reward will be wisdom, but not orgasms. Don't worship false gods, even human ones. Admit your sins. Don't enslave yourself to fools. Repay your debts.
Chapter 5
Don't fall in love with materials goods, especially if they're fenced. Just because you got away with sinning once, it's now okay to sin, because god will catch you every time. Make sure you tell god you love him every day, or he wont' let you into heaven. Keep your promises. Listen, and only speak if you really know the answer. Don't spread gossip. Don't be ignorant of anything. Good luck with that.
Chapter 6
Don't be anyone's enemy. Don't brag about yourself or your soul will get torn to pieces. Only take advice from one friend in a thousand. Test your friends first and don't be afraid to unfriend them, which will make it much harder to get to that 1000, but never mind. Be wary of people who only like you in good times. Faithful friends are the best. Only people who believe in god make faithful friends. Always be learning. Wisdom is unkind to people who haven't studied. If you meet a wise man, stalk him until he agrees to teach you.
Be nice to people in direr straits than you, because if they curse you, god will punish you. Why god can't see your shitty behaviour for himself is not explained. When you get to judge other people, don't be afraid to bang the gavel hard. Do not, however, bang single mothers. Rather, be a father to their kids without benefits. The reward will be wisdom, but not orgasms. Don't worship false gods, even human ones. Admit your sins. Don't enslave yourself to fools. Repay your debts.
Chapter 5
Don't fall in love with materials goods, especially if they're fenced. Just because you got away with sinning once, it's now okay to sin, because god will catch you every time. Make sure you tell god you love him every day, or he wont' let you into heaven. Keep your promises. Listen, and only speak if you really know the answer. Don't spread gossip. Don't be ignorant of anything. Good luck with that.
Chapter 6
Don't be anyone's enemy. Don't brag about yourself or your soul will get torn to pieces. Only take advice from one friend in a thousand. Test your friends first and don't be afraid to unfriend them, which will make it much harder to get to that 1000, but never mind. Be wary of people who only like you in good times. Faithful friends are the best. Only people who believe in god make faithful friends. Always be learning. Wisdom is unkind to people who haven't studied. If you meet a wise man, stalk him until he agrees to teach you.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 2 & 3: The kids aren't all right
Chapter 2
First there are a bunch of verses for would-be priests: you'll lose all your material wealth, but be cheerful because it's coming back to you in the afterlife. Then there is some advice for believers, namely be patient because all that stuff that sucks in the now will go away after you die. Then it instructs us to look back through the bible and find someone who trusted in god and were fooled by him. Um, Job? Also, Moses isn't allowed into the holy land for hitting a rock wrong. God's definition of 'trust me' is pretty strict.
Chapter 3
Solomon has some advice for us on how to run our families, and he should know, since he has a thousand wives. Dads are in charge of the kids' 'honour,' i.e. making sure the daughters stay virgins. Mothers have authority over their sons. Kids who honour their father by staying virgins until marriage absolve their dads of sin, like the time he slept with their mother while they were just engaged. Sons who honour their mothers are good at saving money. Good kids will have good kids and live long lives. Faith will make your parents and owners happy, if you're a slave.
Never talk shit about your parents and you'll have a happy life. Fail to follow this precept and your dad won't give you a house and your mother will make your marriage hell. Your own glory depends on your parents', which makes me so happy I live in a time of state-provided services like education and housing. Be nice to your parents when they get old, especially if they get dementia. God will remember that.
What happens to people who aren't good children? Glad you asked! Solomon has a lot to say about them: they're blasphemers, and cursed. They do evil and take unnecessary risks, and they lie. Of course all this makes them sad.
Further advice: be meek and humble and you'll find out the answers to the mysteries of life, supposedly including parables. Don't do things that are too hard or that you aren't strong enough to do. Don't try to figure stuff out if someone tells you they're secret. Remember that curiosity killed the cat.
First there are a bunch of verses for would-be priests: you'll lose all your material wealth, but be cheerful because it's coming back to you in the afterlife. Then there is some advice for believers, namely be patient because all that stuff that sucks in the now will go away after you die. Then it instructs us to look back through the bible and find someone who trusted in god and were fooled by him. Um, Job? Also, Moses isn't allowed into the holy land for hitting a rock wrong. God's definition of 'trust me' is pretty strict.
Chapter 3
Solomon has some advice for us on how to run our families, and he should know, since he has a thousand wives. Dads are in charge of the kids' 'honour,' i.e. making sure the daughters stay virgins. Mothers have authority over their sons. Kids who honour their father by staying virgins until marriage absolve their dads of sin, like the time he slept with their mother while they were just engaged. Sons who honour their mothers are good at saving money. Good kids will have good kids and live long lives. Faith will make your parents and owners happy, if you're a slave.
Never talk shit about your parents and you'll have a happy life. Fail to follow this precept and your dad won't give you a house and your mother will make your marriage hell. Your own glory depends on your parents', which makes me so happy I live in a time of state-provided services like education and housing. Be nice to your parents when they get old, especially if they get dementia. God will remember that.
What happens to people who aren't good children? Glad you asked! Solomon has a lot to say about them: they're blasphemers, and cursed. They do evil and take unnecessary risks, and they lie. Of course all this makes them sad.
Further advice: be meek and humble and you'll find out the answers to the mysteries of life, supposedly including parables. Don't do things that are too hard or that you aren't strong enough to do. Don't try to figure stuff out if someone tells you they're secret. Remember that curiosity killed the cat.
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