Chapter 27
Tyrus was like an ancient New York or London, with people and goods coming from all over the world. And then god god pissed off and decided to destroy it for all time. Oddly, Republican politicians never seem to mention this passage when they talk about god as the original free marketeer.
Chapter 28
Like many a powerful mayor before him, the mayor of Tyrus thinks of himself as a god. So the real god decides to cast him down into the pit (v. 8), where they will die the deaths of the uncircumcised (v. 10) whatever that means.
And now a very confusing episode in verse 13, which informs us that the mayor of Tyrus spent some time in Eden? Apparently this is meant to be ironic, a quality the bible is not exactly strong on. Smiting, yes. Speaking of which, god then gets around to detailing all the ways he's going to punish the city for its arrogance. Show, god, don't tell.
Chapter 29
God is going to make the Egyptian Pharaoh choke to death on a fish bone, which I've always been terrified of. Then he's going to feed him to the beasts and birds. Then he'll do lots of other bad stuff and give the country over to the Babylonians.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 24-26: Pulp Fiction
Chapter 24
God finally tires of barbecue and orders Zeke to cook him up some stew using the best meat from the flock. But it's not really soup! It's Jerusalem and he's going to... boil it in a pot. Which at least is a change from the usual plague, war, famine and natural disasters that are unleashed when god has a temper tantrum.
Then god kills Zeke's wife as an example of what he plans to do to the Israelites. He also orders Zeke not to mourn so as to set the standard for when he kills all the children. Man, god is a dick sometimes.
Chapter 25
All bible passages sound better when read by Samuel L. Jackson even if his quotations are a little muddled.
Anyway, the whole point of this chapter is that god is going to send the Ammonites and the Moabites and a bunch of other tribes over to Judah as punishment for some illicit hand-clapping and foot-stomping.
Chapter 26
God has vented his spleen on the Israelites and turns his wrath on the Phoenician port of Tyre. He makes a special point of saying how he's going to kill the women, namely running them through with swords while they work the fields, because why have rules of war when you're an insane, weather-based tyrant?
After he has killed the innocent farm labourers, god will then besiege the city and destroy it, just for shits and giggles.
God finally tires of barbecue and orders Zeke to cook him up some stew using the best meat from the flock. But it's not really soup! It's Jerusalem and he's going to... boil it in a pot. Which at least is a change from the usual plague, war, famine and natural disasters that are unleashed when god has a temper tantrum.
Then god kills Zeke's wife as an example of what he plans to do to the Israelites. He also orders Zeke not to mourn so as to set the standard for when he kills all the children. Man, god is a dick sometimes.
Chapter 25
All bible passages sound better when read by Samuel L. Jackson even if his quotations are a little muddled.
Anyway, the whole point of this chapter is that god is going to send the Ammonites and the Moabites and a bunch of other tribes over to Judah as punishment for some illicit hand-clapping and foot-stomping.
Chapter 26
God has vented his spleen on the Israelites and turns his wrath on the Phoenician port of Tyre. He makes a special point of saying how he's going to kill the women, namely running them through with swords while they work the fields, because why have rules of war when you're an insane, weather-based tyrant?
After he has killed the innocent farm labourers, god will then besiege the city and destroy it, just for shits and giggles.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapter 23: Donkey penises and horse jizz
Oh, dear. I'm already having flashbacks to Judges 19.
So this is the story of two sisters who became prostitutes because of their love of breast fondling. Of course these sisters aren't real, they're awkward metaphors for Jerusalem and Samaria, now a part of the West Bank. Anyway, Aholah (Samaria) had a fondness for powerful men and defiling herself with their idols, which I like to think means she used them as dildos, because you might as well, right? She keeps it up even after she marries god and moves to Israel, and he stops tolerating it after her looks fade a bit and sends her to Assyria, where she is stripped, her children taken, and she is run through with a sword.
The other sister, Aholibah (Jerusalem) is a bigger slut than Aholah. Seeing her sister's fate turns into a kinky fetish and suddenly she can't get off withoutporn the image of a Chaldean idol in front of her. The Babylonians come to her one night and rape her, and she stops accepting them as clients. Then god rejects her, which causes her to redouble screwing the Egyptians, who have donkey-sized dicks and come like horses. Still, she longs for the days when a simple tit stroking got her off.
God eventually gets tired of Aholibah, too, and commands her old lovers to come along in chariots and cut off her nose and ears, then run her body through with a sword, then burn it. Her kids will be taken in by Child Protective Services and will require enormous amounts of therapy.
Then god is either going to reanimate her body or lose control of this metaphor, because next he's going to strip her naked then get her drunk, then make her chop off her own breasts. Finally, they'll be stoned and burned at the stake.
All of this will cause prostitution to cease. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! That god sure is a joker.
So this is the story of two sisters who became prostitutes because of their love of breast fondling. Of course these sisters aren't real, they're awkward metaphors for Jerusalem and Samaria, now a part of the West Bank. Anyway, Aholah (Samaria) had a fondness for powerful men and defiling herself with their idols, which I like to think means she used them as dildos, because you might as well, right? She keeps it up even after she marries god and moves to Israel, and he stops tolerating it after her looks fade a bit and sends her to Assyria, where she is stripped, her children taken, and she is run through with a sword.
The other sister, Aholibah (Jerusalem) is a bigger slut than Aholah. Seeing her sister's fate turns into a kinky fetish and suddenly she can't get off without
God eventually gets tired of Aholibah, too, and commands her old lovers to come along in chariots and cut off her nose and ears, then run her body through with a sword, then burn it. Her kids will be taken in by Child Protective Services and will require enormous amounts of therapy.
Then god is either going to reanimate her body or lose control of this metaphor, because next he's going to strip her naked then get her drunk, then make her chop off her own breasts. Finally, they'll be stoned and burned at the stake.
All of this will cause prostitution to cease. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! That god sure is a joker.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 20-22
Chapter 20
It would seem that whatever hallucinogenic drugs were causing Zeke to imagine see space aliens that told him to chop up his hair with a knife, burn his clothes and dig a hole in the wall rather than leave by the gate have worn off for good and now he's just a run of the mill 'We're all gonna die!' type boring-ass prophet with an over-long book.
This particular chapter is a long list of petty grievances dating back to Exodus that god simply CANNOT let go of. He tells us he considered killing all the Israelites several times, but never did. This time, though, he REALLY means it, he's going to set fire to them!
Chapter 21
First, god is going to stabby stab stab us all with a sword. Then he's going to burn us. Just like all the other times.
Chapter 22
Among the sins that god is going to stab and burn the Israelites for: dishonouring their parents, mountain picnics, lewdness (v. 9), sex with menstruating women, adultery with the neighbour's wife, a daughter in law, and a sister, usury. Punishment: melting!.
It would seem that whatever hallucinogenic drugs were causing Zeke to imagine see space aliens that told him to chop up his hair with a knife, burn his clothes and dig a hole in the wall rather than leave by the gate have worn off for good and now he's just a run of the mill 'We're all gonna die!' type boring-ass prophet with an over-long book.
This particular chapter is a long list of petty grievances dating back to Exodus that god simply CANNOT let go of. He tells us he considered killing all the Israelites several times, but never did. This time, though, he REALLY means it, he's going to set fire to them!
Chapter 21
First, god is going to stabby stab stab us all with a sword. Then he's going to burn us. Just like all the other times.
Chapter 22
Among the sins that god is going to stab and burn the Israelites for: dishonouring their parents, mountain picnics, lewdness (v. 9), sex with menstruating women, adultery with the neighbour's wife, a daughter in law, and a sister, usury. Punishment: melting!.
Ezekiel, Chapters 17-19: Stick to your day job, god
Chapter 17
God instructs Zeke to tell a riddle about an eagle who decides to become a farmer, so he takes a cedar branch and some seeds and sets them up in a field. The seeds sprout and the vines grow towards him. Then another eagle comes along and the vines grow towards him instead. God wants to know if this slutty vine can prosper. Then, for those of you who have not been following along for the past oh, 8 books or so, he explains that the vine is Israel and the eagles are god and another, fake god and as punishment for cozying up to the fake eagle god, the king of Babylon is going to enslave the vine. Seriously, it's not like these people had important, pressing episodes of Jersey Shore to watch on TV at night. All that free time, and this is the best metaphor they could come up with?
Anyway, god is still pissed that the king of Babylon offered the Jerusalemites a truce and they didn't take it and instead went off to make agreements with Egypt and it's like relearning all those treaties that set off WWI way back in 9th grade history and it's making my head hurt. But god does promise to restore the Israelites again when he's vented his spleen.
Chapter 18
God bans another proverb, specifically the one that goes The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge (v. 2). So no using either of those, mkay?
Then he says that sinners will die, but people who behave and don't do things like have mountain picnics, sleep with their neighbours' wives or associate with menstruating women, oppress debtors and who give food and clothing to the poor, will live forever. Well, doing or not doing all those things, plus a healthy dose of clean water, vaccinations, nitrogen fixation and pasteurised dairy products, none of which god mentions here.
In an odd twist, god informs us that if your son is a thief, you'll be punished. Up until now, the kids have been responsible for the sins of their parents. Then in one of those crazy-making verses that literalists tie themselves up in knots trying to explain, god gives everybody a blank slate. From now on you're responsible for your own sins. Because we haven't heard that before, only to have it contradicted in 200 other places.
Chapter 19
The New Yorker magazine has a regular feature called Block that Metaphor! which really should be used more about this book. First, god is a lioness and the princes of Israel are her cubs. One becomes a man-eater and is imprisoned in a pit in Egypt. Another becomes and even fiercer man-eater who also destroys entire cities and keeps everybody up all night with his roaring until the people enact a noise ordnance and take him to the king of Babylon to shut him up.
Then suddenly Israel is a vine with exalted branches that gets set on fire and cast out into the wilderness.
God instructs Zeke to tell a riddle about an eagle who decides to become a farmer, so he takes a cedar branch and some seeds and sets them up in a field. The seeds sprout and the vines grow towards him. Then another eagle comes along and the vines grow towards him instead. God wants to know if this slutty vine can prosper. Then, for those of you who have not been following along for the past oh, 8 books or so, he explains that the vine is Israel and the eagles are god and another, fake god and as punishment for cozying up to the fake eagle god, the king of Babylon is going to enslave the vine. Seriously, it's not like these people had important, pressing episodes of Jersey Shore to watch on TV at night. All that free time, and this is the best metaphor they could come up with?
Anyway, god is still pissed that the king of Babylon offered the Jerusalemites a truce and they didn't take it and instead went off to make agreements with Egypt and it's like relearning all those treaties that set off WWI way back in 9th grade history and it's making my head hurt. But god does promise to restore the Israelites again when he's vented his spleen.
Chapter 18
God bans another proverb, specifically the one that goes The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge (v. 2). So no using either of those, mkay?
Then he says that sinners will die, but people who behave and don't do things like have mountain picnics, sleep with their neighbours' wives or associate with menstruating women, oppress debtors and who give food and clothing to the poor, will live forever. Well, doing or not doing all those things, plus a healthy dose of clean water, vaccinations, nitrogen fixation and pasteurised dairy products, none of which god mentions here.
In an odd twist, god informs us that if your son is a thief, you'll be punished. Up until now, the kids have been responsible for the sins of their parents. Then in one of those crazy-making verses that literalists tie themselves up in knots trying to explain, god gives everybody a blank slate. From now on you're responsible for your own sins. Because we haven't heard that before, only to have it contradicted in 200 other places.
Chapter 19
The New Yorker magazine has a regular feature called Block that Metaphor! which really should be used more about this book. First, god is a lioness and the princes of Israel are her cubs. One becomes a man-eater and is imprisoned in a pit in Egypt. Another becomes and even fiercer man-eater who also destroys entire cities and keeps everybody up all night with his roaring until the people enact a noise ordnance and take him to the king of Babylon to shut him up.
Then suddenly Israel is a vine with exalted branches that gets set on fire and cast out into the wilderness.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 16: The problem with extended metaphors
Chapter 16
Did you know that the Israelites used to salt their babies? They thought it made the skin firm. How do I know this? Because god is now comparing Jerusalem to an unwanted baby left to die in a field. Anti-abortion activists everywhere cover their ears and sing 'Lalala, I can't hear you!'
So god takes the abandoned infant and raises it into a little hottie with pert breasts and shiny hair. Look it up, it really says that. And it gets better, because then thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness (v. 8) and this is getting as creepy as The Time Traveler's Wife. Anyway, after god married a city, he started buying it all kinds of expensive badger's skins and jewellery and taking her out to the finest honey and oil restaurants and everybody complemented him on his hot young bride.
But like many a hot young wife, Jerusalem's eye quickly starts to wander and she starts fornicating with other deities, especially the well-hung Egyptians. When she can't find a god to fuck, she melts her expensive jewellery into false idol dildoes and 'worships' them instead.
As punishment, god beat and starved them and let the Philistines have their way with them, but they started turning tricks with the Assyrians, Canaanites and Babylonians, and even perfect strangers. And not only that, rather than accept payment for services rendered, they were the clients!
God is so pissed now that he's going to uncover the city's nakedness and punish it like an adulterous wife, which apparently means people can take her clothes and jewels, then stone her into a bloody pulp, then burn her like her sister, Sodom. Oh, and all those of you who claim that the problem in Sodom was homosexual angel rape? Uh-uh this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy (v. 49)
But! If Jerusalem mends her ways and becomes an obedient daughter-wife, she can get back into god's good graces and be restored. I feel dirty now.
Did you know that the Israelites used to salt their babies? They thought it made the skin firm. How do I know this? Because god is now comparing Jerusalem to an unwanted baby left to die in a field. Anti-abortion activists everywhere cover their ears and sing 'Lalala, I can't hear you!'
So god takes the abandoned infant and raises it into a little hottie with pert breasts and shiny hair. Look it up, it really says that. And it gets better, because then thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness (v. 8) and this is getting as creepy as The Time Traveler's Wife. Anyway, after god married a city, he started buying it all kinds of expensive badger's skins and jewellery and taking her out to the finest honey and oil restaurants and everybody complemented him on his hot young bride.
But like many a hot young wife, Jerusalem's eye quickly starts to wander and she starts fornicating with other deities, especially the well-hung Egyptians. When she can't find a god to fuck, she melts her expensive jewellery into false idol dildoes and 'worships' them instead.
As punishment, god beat and starved them and let the Philistines have their way with them, but they started turning tricks with the Assyrians, Canaanites and Babylonians, and even perfect strangers. And not only that, rather than accept payment for services rendered, they were the clients!
God is so pissed now that he's going to uncover the city's nakedness and punish it like an adulterous wife, which apparently means people can take her clothes and jewels, then stone her into a bloody pulp, then burn her like her sister, Sodom. Oh, and all those of you who claim that the problem in Sodom was homosexual angel rape? Uh-uh this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy (v. 49)
But! If Jerusalem mends her ways and becomes an obedient daughter-wife, she can get back into god's good graces and be restored. I feel dirty now.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 13-15: God hates pillows
Chapter 13
God tells Zeke to prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy (v. 2) as if he hasn't been doing so for the past 12 chapters. There's a speech about walls that aren't up to code and how god is going to knock it down like a zealous city bylaw officer. Then he gets really mad at the women prophets, saying Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! (v. 18). Pillows apparently means charms. So some women were making charm bracelets and god is so petty and micro-managing and explosively over-reactionary that he's going to destroy them in revenge. I think god's still angry that back in grade 2 nobody would show him how to make gimp bracelets.
Chapter 14
Zeke is sitting around with his friends drinking tea in that way men in the Middle East do when suddenly god tells him to tell them that they're all sinners and unless they repent they'll all be destroyed. Then god confesses that sometimes, just for the hell of it, he'll send a false prophecy to a prophet just so he can punish him for it, because he's just an asshole like that sometimes. And it's not just prophets! Basically, anytime anything bad happens to you or yours, including your kids, it's god, and he's doing it because you sinned.
Chapter 15
Ever the environmentalist, god starts talking about vine trees and their many uses: you can build a house, hang stuff from it or burn it. But if it's just sitting there, doing its tree thing, it's useless, just like the ashes left over if you make a fire with it. And now he's going to set Jerusalem on fire.
God tells Zeke to prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy (v. 2) as if he hasn't been doing so for the past 12 chapters. There's a speech about walls that aren't up to code and how god is going to knock it down like a zealous city bylaw officer. Then he gets really mad at the women prophets, saying Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! (v. 18). Pillows apparently means charms. So some women were making charm bracelets and god is so petty and micro-managing and explosively over-reactionary that he's going to destroy them in revenge. I think god's still angry that back in grade 2 nobody would show him how to make gimp bracelets.
Chapter 14
Zeke is sitting around with his friends drinking tea in that way men in the Middle East do when suddenly god tells him to tell them that they're all sinners and unless they repent they'll all be destroyed. Then god confesses that sometimes, just for the hell of it, he'll send a false prophecy to a prophet just so he can punish him for it, because he's just an asshole like that sometimes. And it's not just prophets! Basically, anytime anything bad happens to you or yours, including your kids, it's god, and he's doing it because you sinned.
Chapter 15
Ever the environmentalist, god starts talking about vine trees and their many uses: you can build a house, hang stuff from it or burn it. But if it's just sitting there, doing its tree thing, it's useless, just like the ashes left over if you make a fire with it. And now he's going to set Jerusalem on fire.
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