Exodus Chapter 29

First, they have to bring a bullock (young bull) and two perfect rams.

Then they have to ritually dress Aaron and his sons in the garments from the last chapter.

Then they have to bring the bullock in front of the congregation and kill it ritually. First, they have to bleed it. Then take the fat and the internal organs and burn them. They have to burn the meat, skin and dung away from the camp to absolve their sins. Then they have to kill the first ram and cut it up and burn it.

When they kill the second ram they have to put blood on their ears, thumbs and big toes, then sprinkle it around. Then they have to mix it with oil and sprinkle it on Aaron and co. Then they have to cut it up and take some bread and oil and wafers and wave it around and burn it. Then they have to wave the breast around. Then they have to heave the shoulder.

Aaron's robe will be passed on to his sons.

Finally, they get to eat the burnt offerings, but they can't share it with strangers. Rather, they have to burn leftovers. They have to repeat this for seven days, and make sure to clean the altar every time. Is this not wasteful? They also have to kill two lambs a day. One in the morning, along with flour, oil and wine, then again in the evening. They have to do this in perpetuity to remind themselves of the glory of god.

Now, of course Jerry and his followers don't think they have to do any of this, because if something in the New Testament contradicts something in the Old Testament, the New Testament shall be taken as the correct version, even though this entire thing is the word of god. But do bear in mind as this book gets more and more gory that these same people who accept a book that advocates carving up animals and throwing the blood at each other want to ban kissing in films.

Exodus, Chapter 28

God turns from interior decoration to fashion design, with every bit of his good taste intact. Now he describes the priestly robes Aaron and his sons are to wear, and again, everything has to be blue and purple and red and gold, and has to be dripping in jewels and intricate designs. God is a conspicuous consumer here.

Next are the instructions for the ephod and the precious stones that are supposed to go in it and how they are supposed to be carved. The breastplate is also supposed to include an urim and thummim, which is a set of mystical dice used in divination. Of course, Jerry is careful to point out that the results were not determined by chance, but by god and that after the Holy Spirit came to power on the Day of Pentecost, which happens in Acts, which isn't until the New Testament, so I don't know about it yet, but the point is, now we don't need to do it. I hope I don't need to point out that Jerry, the biblical literalist, is interpreting here and dismissing the parts he doesn't think are relevant. Of course, he doesn't do that when the passage is about homosexuality or witchcraft.

Around the hem they have to make little pomegranate pom-poms and alternated them with golden bells. If Aaron fails to ring the bell on entering the temple, he'll be killed.

Next is the mitre, which has to have a gigantic gold plate with HOLINESS TO THE LORD (v. 36) engraved on it in capital letters, because heaven forbid we should fail to be ostentatious for even one second here. Then he gives instructions on priestly underwear, which has to reach to the thighs, which settles the question of whether god prefers boxers or briefs. Failure to wear them will also result in death.

Exodus, Chapter 27

First, god gives instructions for the altar. Not a normal altar like you or I might see if we went into a church, where the priest stands and gives his sermons. No, an alter for making sacrifices. Here's what Jerry has to say about that: The position of this altar near the entrance of the main court indicates very clearly the absolute necessity for blood atonement before real fellowship can be initiated with an infinitely holy God. The slaughter of animals was a vivid reminder to Israel that sin indeed requires a high price.

Fortunately, unlike the ancient Israelites, Jerry means 'blood atonement' in the sense of 'Jesus' blood', the wine (or in stricter churches, grape juice) you drink that supposedly absolves you of sin. Whew. Unfortunately, he is still refusing to believe that they had a different world view than him, and that the idea of a 'fellowship with god' wasn't going to come along until around about the sixteenth century for some, and still doesn't exist for say, Catholics.

Then there are some instructions for the court yard of the temple, pillars and hangings. Still lots of garish colours and precious metals. Finally, a lamp, which Aaron and his sons are to keep burning at all times. That's why his descendants, the kohanim, or Cohens, still have a special role in Judaism.

Exodus Chapter 26

God spends twelve verses describing the curtains he wants for the walls of the tent. Because they still weren't living in permanent structures. He's exactly like me at twelve, because he wants them made with blue and purple and scarlet (v.1). They have to make the roof out of dyed badger skins.

Then there are 18 verses about the tent poles, which can be made out of wood, but then have to be painted gold. God has the decorating sense of Rainbow Brite. Finally, there are instructions to make a separate room for the ark, plus all the other stuff he told them about in the preceding chapter, the candlestick, table and bread.

Exodus Chapter 25

This is the beginning of 7 mind-numbingly dull chapters giving detailed instructions on how to build the temple. First he tells them what offerings to bring, including gold, dyed wool, and stones for the priest's girdle, which he will wear on the outside of his clothes, because girdles then were more like bathrobe belts.

He tells them to make an ark to hold the covenant. I know, I know, Noah's ark was a boat, but now ark means 'chest big enough to hold stone tablets.' I'm getting all of this from Wikipedia, by the way, because Jerry is too busy having multiple orgasms about how every word of this chapter shows us that Jesus is on his way. Anyway, this is the ark of the covenant. On top it's to have a 'mercy seat' which, to the best of my understanding, which is to say Wikipedia, means lid. Jerry is still babbling about how it's going to cover sin until Jesus can redeem us. One-track mind much, Jerry? At either end of the mercy seat, there is to be a cherub, never mind that commandment about graven images. God even says what posture the cherubim should take. The cherubim are going to be heavenly microphones, god will talk from between them.

They have to make a table, and dishes and spoons and bowls, all to hold the showbread, or holy bread. Then he has 10 verses about candlestick holders, bowls and snuffdishes.

Oh, and all of this has to be made of gold. God is an over-the-top interior decorator. I wonder if Sartre had this section in mind when he gave the stage directions for Huis Clos? It certainly sounds garish enough.

Exodus Chapter 24

Moses is invited up the mountain for some more self-serving instructions. He goes back down and builds an altar, on which he sacrifices some cattle. He sprinkles blood on the altar, then reads the text of the covenant to the people, who are happy with what it says. Then he took the blood and sprinkled it on the people (v.8) what must have resembled a scene from the movie Carrie. I wonder if there are churches that still do this? Actually, no I don't. This seals the covenant.

Moses, Aaron and some of the other leaders go back up the hill. God now has sapphire stones under his feet. Cool. I wonder what happens if he clicks his heels together. They have a meal, and god invites Moses to come back up later and get the stone tablets with all the laws written on them. Moses leaves Aaron and someone called Hur in charge and goes up. The mountain is immediately covered by clouds and anyone who looks up is blinded. He stays for 40 days.

Exodus Chapter 23

Some good stuff about being a witness in court: no lying, no following the crowd blindly, be fair to the poor in lawsuits. Then about being fair to your enemies: bring back stray animals, help him if he's overburdened. Keep out of false charges, don't kill the innocent (take that, Texas). Don't accept bribes, because they blind the wise and pervert the just. No being mean to strangers, because they were also strangers in Egypt. Wouldn't life be lovely if we all just followed these rules? Too bad there's so much other stupid stuff.

The next bit is about charity, and although Jerry has been careful to point out all the anti-gay and anti-abortion bits to notice this. Also, he goes on about an angel in verse 20 that he thinks is Jesus, so he can't possible spare a footnote to talk about verses 11 and 12, which say that you can harvest your fields for six years but on the seventh you should let the poor tend them, as well as vineyards and olive groves. Everyone gets to rest on the seventh day. And don't talk about other gods!

He then gives instructions about feasting: three times a year, unleavened bread, the harvest and at the end of the year. All the men have to go, but women aren't important enough. They have to bring the first of the harvest to him. Oh, and no boiling a baby goat in its mother's milk.

Then it gets weird again. An angel is promised to keep them out of trouble. Jerry of course sees Jesus in this. If they keep their noses clean, this angel will help them in war, as long as they don't worship their enemies' gods and destroy all their religious artifacts. He'll bless their bread and water and take sickness away (note: Jerry died of heart disease! Oops!) and promises there will be no miscarriages and everyone will live a full life span. Too bad he didn't give them sanitation and vaccination and antibiotics and foreceps right then and there to fulfill that promise, eh?

He promises to terrorize anyone who attacks them and send them fleeing with his armies of hornets. Yes, it seriously says that in verse 28. God uses hornets. The original biological warfare device. He won't send them away all at once, because then the land would go fallow, but instead he'll send them away gradually so they can breed and inhabit the land. He promises them everything from the Red Sea to the Philistine sea, from desert to river. They can drive the people there out. I guess that's one explanation of the past 60 years of Israeli-Palestinian history. He reminds them not to make bargains with them, or to worship their gods. They also can't stay, because they might be a bad influence.