Exodus, Chapters 21 & 22

Basically, these chapters are a recitation of god's laws. The practical application of those 10 (or 11, or 15) Commandments given in the previous chapter.

Chapter 21

Just so you know how relevant this book is to our modern society, how it's a living document, an instruction manual, the very first chapter tells you how to treat your slaves! Because slavery was so central to the Israelites' way of life, it was first and foremost in their book of laws. So, how are you supposed to treat a slave?

Well, if he's a Hebrew, you can only keep him six years, then you have to let him go. If you also bought his wife, you have to let her go, too. But if you gave him a wife, you can keep her, as well as any of her kids. If he says, no I love you, Master, my wife and kids, I won't go, you can drill a hole in his ear and keep him forever. Because 'thou shalt not mutilate thy servants' was not a commandment, see.

Next is how to sell your daughter into slavery. As Penn and Teller point out, if you believe your god is infallible, you have to follow the rules. If her new master takes her as a concubine and doesn't like her, there is no expiration date on the return policy, but he's not allowed to sell her to anyone else. If he gives her to his son, he has to treat her like his own daughter. If he marries again, he can't deprive her of clothes and food. If he fails to follow these rules, she's free. Jerry has nothing whatsoever to say about this section, presumably because he doesn't keep slaves, so these rules don't apply.

On to capital crimes, which you will note are less important than slavery.

Okay, premeditated murder is punishable by death, but manslaughterers can just leave the colony. Killing your parents, or even hitting or cursing them is also a capital crime. Well, that would cut down on toddler temper tantrums and teenage rebellion, wouldn't it? Kidnapping a man and selling him into slavery, or even intent to do so, is a no-no.

If two people are fighting and one hits the other, with a fist or a rock, but he doesn't die, there is no punishment but compensation for lost work. Nothing about malingering. If you beat your slaves with a stick and kill them right there: death. But if they die slowly, say from internal bleeding, nothing, because it's your own money you're wasting here. If two men are fighting and a pregnant woman somehow gets hurt and loses the baby, her husband can only sue for damages. Not, you will note here, put the man to death for taking a life. So clearly god himself doesn't see life beginning at conception here, because it isn't murder until the baby's outside the mother of its own accord. If the woman herself is injured, the punishment will be the same: if she dies, the assailant dies, if she loses an eye, he does, too.

Back to servants. So a couple of verses ago you could slowly beat them to death, but now if you hit them and they lose an eye or a tooth, you have to let them go.

Animals are subject to capital punishment as well, it would seem. If an ox gores someone, it must be stoned to death, and its meat can't be eaten, but the owner gets no other punishment. If this wasn't the first time the ox in question injured someone, and the owner knew but didn't do anything, then both owner and ox are to be stoned to death. Not that all that many cows kill people these days, but I'm pretty sure Jerry wouldn't advocate for punishing them that way. If the owner has money, he can buy his life back. Much like the legal system today, actually.

The ox-goring law only applies to freedmen. If it's a slave, the owner of the ox has to pay the slave owner 30 shekels and the ox gets stoned.

It gets really detailed, actually. A man who digs a pit and fails to cover it, so that an animal falls in has to pay restitution but gets to keep the meat. If an ox hurts another man's ox, the owner of the first one has to pay compensation by selling the live ox and dividing the money, and by splitting the meat from the dead one. If the ox was a troublemaker, they have to trade cows.

Chapter 22

Lots of very detailed rules on what to do for all kinds of property crimes, such as cattle rustling, when your livestock eats your neighbours' crops, petty theft, arson, borrowing a cow that then dies or is stolen. You basically get fined for all of that.

If you seduce a virgin, you have to marry her, but if her father refuses, you have to pay a dowry. Not pretend you're going to accept him as your brother-in-law, provided all the men of his tribe get circumcised, then slaughter them all? Really? That was just Simeon and Levi?

Witches and practitioners of bestiality are to be punished by death. Jerry says the Canaanites were animal lovers and the Hittites banned sheep, goat or cow sex, but were horse and mule fuckers. I think we have to take this information with a grain of salt, since this book was written by the Israelites, who won that particular battle, and may have employed some negative propaganda against their enemies. He also says this is why we shouldn't have gay marriage. That old trope again, Jerry?

People who make sacrifices to other gods are to be put to death. Another nod to polytheism, which is ignored by Jerry, who is too busy equating homosexuality with bestiality.

We do get a nice couple of verses reminding us to be kind to strangers, widows and fatherless children, which of course is ruined in verse 24, which says the punishment for failing to do so is death. Is it really free will if the choice is 'do this or I'll come after you with a sword?'

Usury is banned next, which combined with the feudal system kept our economy from developing until about oh, the seventeenth century. Thanks, god! I wanted to be a drunk, stupid, cold, midget for thousands of years because money was concentrated into the hands of a few who didn't want to lend it because there was no incentive! Of course, Jerry has nothing to say about this. In fact you can't even keep your neighbours' clothing as a loan guarantee for longer than one day.

Verses 28 and 29 are quite confusing: Thou shalt not revile the gods, nor curse the ruler of thy people (v. 28). So apparently there are still many gods, and slandering the rulers is a no-no. Well, Jerry's ilk ought to shut up about Obama, oughtn't they, if we have to respect our leaders? Then 29 says Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits and of they liquors: the first-born of thy sons shalt thy give unto me. So, god is a drinking man. Excellent. But giving him the first-born son? As a burnt offering? Because verse 30 says Likewise shalt thou do with thine oxen, and with thy sheep. So he spared them when he attacked the Egyptians, only so they could sacrifice them? I can't help but notice that Jerry Falwell had two sons, the oldest of whom was neither offered as a sacrifice, nor even offered into the church as a pastor. Nope, he's a lawyer and chancellor of Liberty University. So much for the infallible word of god in your own family there, Jerry.

Finally, the Israelites are to be holy (v. 31) which seems to consist of not eating meat from animals that have been killed by other animals. You have to give that to the dogs. Curious.

Anyway, you can see from this that the Israelites were not all that different from modern Anglo-Saxon cultures: obsessed with property rights, fining each other, and restitution for various petty violations. The story-telling is less than thrilling, but as a window into a culture, it's interesting.

Exodus, Chapter 20

Here we go, the 10 Commandments or 16 as the cast may be, the rules Christians feel are so important, they put them up in court rooms and take their arguments all the way to the Supreme Court in the effort to keep them there. In fact, some have gone so far as to say that we could do away with all other laws, and just keep these ones.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (v.3)
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. (v.4) So, does this mean no Christians have drawings, sculptures, or photographs of anything, much like observant Muslims are expected to do? No? Hmm...
3. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them for I the LORD they God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. (v.5)
4. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, for the lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. (v.7) So all of you that have said 'Oh my god!' in surprise, pain or ecstasy, you were all breaking a commandment, which, if you will recall, is one of the most important laws handed down by god.
5. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. (v. 8) So again, if you've ever baked cookies, worked a shift, or gardened on a Sunday, you're a Phoney Christian
6. Honour they father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee (v. 12)
7. Thou shalt not kill. Unless you're Moses, who if you will recall has still not been punished for that whole incident with the Egyptian. And as you will see, there are many, many other heavenly proclamations in this book that will contradict this.
8. Thou shalt not commit adultery (v. 14) Unless you're Judah and she's your daughter-in-law, and she's pretending to be a prostitute and you're horny. We'll see if there are other instances.
9. Thou shalt not steal. (v. 15) So I guess the Israelites sent all their Egyptian neighbours' silver and jewellery back to them by parcel post, then? Remember it was god himself that told them to ask for it.
10. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (v. 16)
11. Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is they neighbour's. (v. 17)

The people of course don't hear any of this, because of course god is only saying it to Moses. They ask Moses what god said, because if god speaks to them, they'll die. Nope, no possibilities for corruption in this system! Moses tells them not wo be afraid, because god has come to test them for sin. They stay back but Moses goes back towards the cloud of god. God tells him to tell them that they talked, and adds a couple more commandments: no offerings of silver, and no making god out of gold and keeping it (12). He then has to make an altar out of earth (13), on which he will sacrifice animals (14). If they make stone altars, they can't cut the stone, because then it will be impure (15). Finally, they can't go up the steps to the altar, because apparently god can see up their robes that way (16).

Exodus Chapter 19

The build-up to the ten commandments.

The Israelites make camp at the foot of Mount Sinai. God calls to Moses from inside the mountain, because in this chapter he's Sauron, and Moses goes up to talk to him. God reminds Moses about how he saved them from the Egyptians, and promises that if they keep their covenant with him, he'll reward the Israelites. Jerry says 'This covenant was given to Israel in order to reveal sin and death. The Law reflected the holiness of a personal God, instructed the people in God's discipline, reminded them through its priests and sacrifices of God's salvation, and acted as a pedagogue to lead them to Christ.' Lets deconstruct every sentence of this, shall we? First off, if the covenant reveals sin and death, why does Jerry get to pick and choose which parts of it to follow? It will tell us eventually that we should kill homosexuals and witches, which Jerry agrees with, but also people who wear mixed fabrics and eat shellfish, which he doesn't seem to mind as much. Next, a personal god. Not till about 2200 years after this book was written, Jerry, or 3000 years according to your biblical timeline, when Luther nailed his theses to the church wall. Up until then, you went to church to find out what god was thinking, which you acknowledge in the second part of that sentence. Also, what sacrifices do you make? And that last bit, about Christ. Any time the KJV mentions an angel, Jerry sees a manifestation of Jesus, even though the Old Testament and the New were written hundreds of years apart. He'll in fact spend so much time looking for signs of the Messiah that he'll miss really important stuff, like polygamy, polytheism and anti-death penalty verses to point them out.

Anyway, god tells Moses to go back to the priests and pass the message along. They promise, and Moses brings their promise back to god. God says he's going to come back in three days in the form of a cloud, and he'll speak loud enough that the people will hear their conversation and believe Moses. Why can't he appear and speak to them directly, exactly? He tells Moses to tell them to get ready and wash their clothes and they'll see him on Sinai. He's to set up barriers around the mountain, and anyone who crosses them, man or beast shall be surely put to death (v. 12) by stoned, or shot through (v. 13), but when the trumpet sounds, they can approach the base, but only Moses can come up. Hmm... god is... the Wizard of Oz? Whatever you do, don't go behind the screen come up the mountain!

Moses goes down and tells them to get ready, by doing laundry and abstaining from sex. And on the third day, a dark cloud covers the top of the mountain and the people tremble. Moses leads them to the foot of the mountain. God comes down in fire, but no one can see him for the smoke. Moses calls up to him and is allowed up. God sends him back down to tell people not to look directly at god, otherwise they'll die. He's like a solar eclipse! He says the priests should purify themselves before they come up. Moses points out that he already said no one can come up, and god is too busy and important to remember little things like who he threatened with death and why. He tells Moses to go back down and get Aaron, but no priests and no people, or he'll kill them. Moses goes and relays the message.

Exodus Chapters 17 & 18

The continuing crises of faith of the Israelites.

Chapter 17

The people are whining again, this time because they have not water. They complain to Moses, who asks why they're bitching to him and 'tempting' (questioning) the lord. Because the heavenly customer service department only responds to negative feedback? They grumble amongst themselves that they shouldn't have left Egypt, proving for the umpteenth time that gratitude really is the shortest-lived human emotion.

Moses goes to god and says the people are just about ready to stone him. God tells him to take the elders of Israel and his rod to a rock in Horeb where he'll hit the rock with the rod and water will come out. He does, and names the place Massah and Meribah, or temptation and contention.

The next crises is war, specifically with the Amaleks, descendants of Esau. Moses tells Joshua to go fight them while he goes up a hill with his rod. He holds his hands out, and if they drop, the Amaleks prevail, but if he keeps them up, the Israelites do. So he weasels out of fighting, then can't even do his bit by keeping his damned hands in the air. Aaron and Hur have to give him a stone to sit on, then hold his hands up for him, which you would think would be cheating. Joshua wins. God tells him to write a book about this, and promises he's going to wipe out the Amalek people. Another mass killing!

Moses builds and alter, and promises there will be more wars with the Amaleks.

Chapter 18

Jethro, or Reuel, as the case may be, whom you may remember is Moses' father-in-law, comes, along with Moses' wife and two sons. We know that Moses sent them back, but not why. Moses greets Jethro, though there is no mention of his reaction to seeing his spouse and kids, despite the fact that she saved his life a few chapters ago. Moses tells him everything that has happened, and Jethro praises the lord and says he's the greatest god ever, and makes a sacrifices to him and they all eat.

In the morning, Moses sits down outside and the people come to him to ask him to judge their disputes. Jethro asks what he's doing, and Moses explains that he makes his judgements bases on what god's laws and statutes say. Jethro, like many a meddling in-law, says he's not doing the right thing. This guy who just converted last night. He says he's wearing himself thin, and needs some helpers. He suggests training some assistants in god's rules, and finding some god-fearing, honest, uncorruptable men to act as officials. Moses himself will only handle the biggest issues, but they'll do the everyday stuff. Basically, he's setting up a judicial system of local, appellate and superior courts here. Moses takes this sensible advice and appoints various magistrates. Jethro goes home.

Exodus, Chapter 16

The people are bitching again, this time that they have no food. God promises to rain down bread from heaven (v. 4) every day, as a test of their faith. I wouldn't say this is the best loyalty test, giving food to starving people and asking if they like you. He says that on the sixth day, he'll give them twice as much. Moses and Aaron repeat this to the people, adding that when they complain about them, they complain about god, which is a nifty little way of keeping people in check, don't you think? God himself then appears, but still only speaks to Moses. Another aside: have you ever noticed that gods very seldom appear to everyone? They only talk to one 'prophet' who then passes the message on? Has it ever occurred to you how self-serving that could be for the prophet?

Anyway, god promises to send meat in the evenings and bread in the mornings. And he's as good as his word: the next day there are quails, then bread. They've never seen bread like it, and now I know that manna is a biblical expression. For those of you more familiar with Tolkien than the bible, this is like elvish bread, and apparently it tastes like wafers and honey.

He tells them to gather it daily according to need. Moses tells them to eat it all before morning, but some of them try to save it and it goes off and he gets angry. So they just gather what they need and eat it. On the sixth day, twice as much arrives and Moses tells them to bake it today and save some for tomorrow. Never mind that just five days ago, people who tried to save some had stinky wormy bread the next day. But this particular lot doesn't go off and Moses says to eat it today because the lord is resting and won't send them any. Some people, not trusting him, still go and look and don't find any. God peevishly asks Moses why people are refusing to obey him? Maybe you haven't killed enough people, god. Have you ever thought of that? So Moses explains again that on the sixth day, they'll get twice as much, but on the seventh day they have to stay home. And they do. For forty years, until they come to Canaan.

Exodus, Chapters 14 & 15

The parting of the Red Sea, which is both a miracle and a mass killing.

Chapter 14

God comes to Moses and tells him to go along the red sea, so that Pharaoh will think they have no escape route. Then he's going to harden Pharaoh's heart again, so that Pharaoh and the other Egyptians will know that he is god. Does anyone think god might be trying just a little too hard, here?

So Pharaoh gathers up all his chariots and chases after them, and catches up to them on the shores of the sea. The Israelites see them and are afraid, and ask Moses why he's taken them out to die in the wilderness, and whine that they'd rather be Egyptian slaves. Moses promises that god is going to help them see the last of the Egyptians.

God tells Moses to stretch his rod out over the sea and divide it, then cross over. He'll send the Egyptians after them, and he will kill them all to increase his honor (v.17) and convince them he is god. He then moves the pilar of clouds from the last chapter so it's behind them. Now the Egyptians can't see in front of them, but the Israelites can.

Moses does as he's told and a wind comes up and parts the sea. The Israelites cross over. The Egyptians pursue them. God confuses their general, then causes the wheels to fall off. The Egyptians realise this is the hand of god and try to flee. God tells Moses to stretch his hand out over the sea and close it over the Egyptians. Moses does so and they all drown. The Israelites walk through the sea and see the Egyptians washed up on the shore, and they become believers in god and Moses.

Jerry is too busy giving a lecture on chariot construction to give us any indication of why this story is somehow a moral lesson. He only acknowledges that the parting of the sea is 'supernatural', his word for 'magic when the good guys do it.'

So here are my thoughts: this is a god who turns his people into believers through controlling others and causing fear in the hearts of his followers by killing non-believers in mass numbers. It's certainly a twist. Most leaders who rule by fear do so by killing from within. I'm also troubled by Moses. Sure, he isn't the actual murderer, but his actions lead directly to suffering and death over and over again, and he has no qualms about any of it.

Chapter 15

The Israelites, in an early display of mass games (yes, I am feeling extremely caustic today), sing the praises of god for freeing them from the Egyptians and drowning them all. We get a promise of more fear and dread (v. 16) when they finally get to Canaan.

Miriam, Moses and Aaron's sister, leads the women in an answering dance.

After the party, the Israelites go into the wilderness until they come to Marah, where they can't find anything to drink. They immediately start to grumble about Moses. Moses takes it up with god, who plants a tree in the waters that turns them sweet. God promises that if they listen to him and do what he says and follow all his commandments and laws, he won't do to them what he did to the Egyptians. Oh, man, if I had a nickel for every person who's fallen for that ruse!

Finally, they arrive at the oasis of Elim.

Exodus, Chapter 13

God is a little nicer to the firstborn sons of the Israelites and their livestock: they're just his. Moses instructs them all not to eat leavened bread for the next week, or even to keep it in their houses. Was there something against yeast with these people? I suppose so, but Jerry is mum.

He has a bizarre little instruction for them in verse 9: and it shall be for a sign unto thee upon thine hand, and for a memorial between thine eyes, that the LORD'S law may be in thy mouth which is apparently why some Orthodox Jews wear tefillin when praying.

He then instructs them to kill a lamb for every first born son and first-born ass, by breaking its neck. It's pretty weird and confusing. And when their sons ask, they're to say it's because god freed them from bondage, and god slew all their first-born sons in revenge.

God then sends them home, not the short way past the Philistines, because he thinks they might go back to Egypt, but along the Red Sea. Moses takes Joseph's bones along. They camp and during the day, god marks the path with a pillar of cloud, and at night a pillar of fire. Is this the beginning of the 40 years in the wilderness?