Esther Redux, Chapters 13-16: Stupid is as stupid does

Chapter 13

The king sends a letter to his governors saying he wants peace and free movement in his kingdom, but doesn't have it. He asked his counsellors how to get it and they told him that there are these people, see, who are everywhere and have their own laws and won't follow regular laws, and they are preventing peace. The only solution is to kill them all on the fourteenth day of the twelfth month of this year. Then there will be peace.

Mardocheus hears all this and prays to god to explain that he couldn't bow down to Aman. H ecould have kissed his feet, but he can only bow to god, even if it meant his entire people would be massacred. So now he wants god to spare the people.

Chapter 14

Queen Esther puts on mourning clothes and covers herself in ashes and dung, then prays to god to ask why enslaving the Jews and destroying their idols wasn't enough for the Babylonians and now they want to kill them all. She also wants god to make her eloquent when she goes to speak to the king so she can turn him against Aman. We also find out that she hates non-Jews and doesn't like having sex with uncircumcised men. Wait, is her husband circumcised? She also hates her fancy clothes and crown as much as she hates menstrual pads and I am so there with you sister. She confesses that she never wears her crown in private because that would just be pretentious. She refuses to eat at Aman's table and barely eats at her husband's table, let alone drinking. She's a miserable queen. I do not feel sorry for her.

Chapter 15

After 3 days of being covered in dung, Esther finally takes a bath. Outwardly, she's a typical hot chick, but inside she's quaking with fear. She goes in to see the king, who is dressed in his finest and looking fierce. She faints. While she's passed out, god changes the king's mood and he goes to comfort his wife. He promises not to kill her and puts his sceptre on her neck, which I so hope is a sexual metaphor. She says that he looked like an angel on the throne and he's so awesome and I really hope he's circumcised because otherwise she's an asshole. Then she faints again.

Chapter 16

Back to the letter? Speaking in general? Who knows? Anyway, King Artaxerxes appears to be writing a new letter, or possibly continuing the same letter to his governors. He confesses that Aman pulled the wool over his eyes, but that Esther has made him see the light and now he loves the Jews. He decrees that they can live under their own laws and that now everyone in his kingdom has to celebrate Purim every year or risk being destroyed, demonstrating that he has learned nothing from this whole incident.