War and death. Death and war.
Benhadad, king of Syria, makes war on Samaria. He sends Ahab a taunting letter, threatening to take away his wives and gold. Ahab is sufficiently intimidated that he surrenders his own children. Best father since Abraham! Or Jepthah. Benhadad is a bastard on the scale of David, however, and sends his servants to search the house and make sure they didn't miss anything Ahab likes.
Finally, Ahab calls his advisors together. They tell him to ignore the bully. Yeah, cuz that always works. He tells the servants to go home empty-handed and tell their boss to stop being a bully. Unfortunately, the news reaches Benhadad when he's drinking, and the Dutch courage makes him attack the Israelites. But never fear, yet another prophet tells Ahab that god will help him prevail.
Ahab drafts an army of 7000, which is still pretty high, about the same size as modern-day Latvia, but a real let-down compared to the millions in Numbers. The head for Syria, where Benhadad is drinking himself into a stupor. He instructs his scouts to take them hostage. They slay his entire army, though he manages to escape on a horse, which much have been quite the feat considering how drunk he was.
Sadly, this isn't enough, as the prophet returns and predicts that the Syrians will be back by the end of the year. The Syrian captives say they expected to win because the Israelite god is a hill god and theirs are plains gods, so they figured if they fought in the plains, they'd win. That is some shitty logic, there. They advise him to replace his noblemen with seasoned officers (exceptionally good advice that would not be followed again for centuries) and replace his army.
Sure enough, Benhadad attacks again. This time the Israelites only have to camp to drive them home. A prophet informs Ahab that the Syrians are now being told that the Israelite god works in the mountains, but not in the valleys. Silly Syrians. A hundred thousand of them die in just one day. The survivors flee into the city of Aphek, where a wall falls down and crushes 27 000 people. Benhadad escapes yet again. His officers beg him to surrender. He agrees and they go. Their captors ask for Benhadad.
Benhadad comes out all contrite and promises to restore the Israelites' territories to them.
Somewhere, in a complete non-sequitur a prophet asks his neighbour to smite him. The neighbour refuses, like any sane person, and is killed by a lion. Remember that the next time your crazy neighbour asks you to do that. The same prophet goes to another man and asks him to smite him. This one is more willing, because of the lion, and injures him. Then the prophet goes along to Ahab with ashes on his face. He hails the king, saying he was in the battle when someone handed him a captive and told him to look after him or he'd have to pay some silver as a penalty. But with this that and the other, the man managed to escape. Ahab tells him to pay the money. He wipes his face and Ahab recognizes him. He informs Ahab that he's going to be killed for letting Benhadad go back there. The king leaves for Samaria, displeased.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 19
Jezebel hears what Elijah did with the prophets and sends him a nice little death threat that she's going to do the same to him by the following nightfall. Elijah runs off into the wilderness, where he finally sits down under a juniper tree and prays to die.
He doesn't get his wish, and is awakened by an angel, who gives him water and cake. Angel food cake? Whatever it is, it sustains him for the next 40 days until he gets to Mount Horeb, where he sleeps in a cave. God speaks to him and asks why he's there. Elijah claims that only he keeps god's covenant, and the other Israelites want to kill him for it. Well, telling people they aren't righteous usually gets that response.
God tells him to leave the cave, then sends an earthquake, a wind, a fire and a small voice. Elijah hears the voice and goes back into the cave. It asks him what he's doing there. He repeats the bit about being the only true follower left. God tells him to go to Syria and anoint Hazael king, then Jehu the king of Israel then Elisha his prophet. He'll take care of the rest, namely that Jehu will kill anyone Hazael misses, and anyone Hazael misses, Elisha will get. All except his 7000 true believers.
Elijah then finds Elisha and tells him he's now the prophet. Elisha pauses to say goodbye with a barbecue, then follows Elijah.
He doesn't get his wish, and is awakened by an angel, who gives him water and cake. Angel food cake? Whatever it is, it sustains him for the next 40 days until he gets to Mount Horeb, where he sleeps in a cave. God speaks to him and asks why he's there. Elijah claims that only he keeps god's covenant, and the other Israelites want to kill him for it. Well, telling people they aren't righteous usually gets that response.
God tells him to leave the cave, then sends an earthquake, a wind, a fire and a small voice. Elijah hears the voice and goes back into the cave. It asks him what he's doing there. He repeats the bit about being the only true follower left. God tells him to go to Syria and anoint Hazael king, then Jehu the king of Israel then Elisha his prophet. He'll take care of the rest, namely that Jehu will kill anyone Hazael misses, and anyone Hazael misses, Elisha will get. All except his 7000 true believers.
Elijah then finds Elisha and tells him he's now the prophet. Elisha pauses to say goodbye with a barbecue, then follows Elijah.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 18
A three-god cage match in which there will only be one survivor. Can you guess who?
God tells Elijah to go and talk to Ahab again, and promises rain. He goes, but the famine continues. Not very impressive, god.
Ahab calls his chief steward Obadiah, who is a faithful man who hid a hundred prophets in a cave when Ahab's wife Jezebel went on a priest-killing spree. Nope, that wasn't mentioned before.
Ahab instructs Obadiah to go on a water hunt to keep his horses alive. He doesn't mention children, so we can assume they aren't important enough. Oddly, they embark on this adventure themselves, mainly so Obadiah can stumble across Elijah in a field and prostrate himself. Elijah tells him to go find Ahab, but apparently this has happened before: someone finds Elijah, who sends them off to get Ahab, then disappears when they return, and it's really starting to annoy Ahab. Elijah promises that this time he won't disappear, and Obadiah goes off to find Ahab.
Ahab starts off on the wrong foot, accusing Elijah of troubling Israel. Elijah says it's Ahab, with his pagan worship, who is the troublemaker. He throws down the gantlets: gather 450 priests of Baal and 400 of Asherah and bring them to Mount Carmel at dawn for a shoot-out. Winner takes all.
Ahab gathers his minions and Elijah invites the Israelites. He instructs the priests to take a bull and cut it up. He'll do the same. They'll all call out to their gods and whichever one sets fire to the bull wins. The pagans pray all day, but nothing happens. Elijah comments that Baal must be busy. The pagans self-flagellate.
Elijah tells the Israelites to gather in close, then rebuilds the altar and places 12 stones on pillars. Then he tells them to douse the bullock inlighter fluid water three times. At sunset, he calls on god to prove himself, and god lights the fire. Try this at home, kids.
Elijah orders the pagan priests rounded up and kills them in a riverbed, then turns to Ahab and forecasts rain. Elijah goes up the mountain and gets into an extremely painful position with his face between his knees. He tells one of his followers to climb higher up the mountain and look towards the sea. Nothing! Well, Elijah proves that the definition of crazy is indeed 'a person who does the same thing over and over expecting a different result every time' and makes the guy do it seven times. Finally, a cloud appears on the seventh run. He sends him down to inform Ahab. Ahab has taken off for Jezreel, but god gives Elijah's feet extra speed and he races ahead of him.
God tells Elijah to go and talk to Ahab again, and promises rain. He goes, but the famine continues. Not very impressive, god.
Ahab calls his chief steward Obadiah, who is a faithful man who hid a hundred prophets in a cave when Ahab's wife Jezebel went on a priest-killing spree. Nope, that wasn't mentioned before.
Ahab instructs Obadiah to go on a water hunt to keep his horses alive. He doesn't mention children, so we can assume they aren't important enough. Oddly, they embark on this adventure themselves, mainly so Obadiah can stumble across Elijah in a field and prostrate himself. Elijah tells him to go find Ahab, but apparently this has happened before: someone finds Elijah, who sends them off to get Ahab, then disappears when they return, and it's really starting to annoy Ahab. Elijah promises that this time he won't disappear, and Obadiah goes off to find Ahab.
Ahab starts off on the wrong foot, accusing Elijah of troubling Israel. Elijah says it's Ahab, with his pagan worship, who is the troublemaker. He throws down the gantlets: gather 450 priests of Baal and 400 of Asherah and bring them to Mount Carmel at dawn for a shoot-out. Winner takes all.
Ahab gathers his minions and Elijah invites the Israelites. He instructs the priests to take a bull and cut it up. He'll do the same. They'll all call out to their gods and whichever one sets fire to the bull wins. The pagans pray all day, but nothing happens. Elijah comments that Baal must be busy. The pagans self-flagellate.
Elijah tells the Israelites to gather in close, then rebuilds the altar and places 12 stones on pillars. Then he tells them to douse the bullock in
Elijah orders the pagan priests rounded up and kills them in a riverbed, then turns to Ahab and forecasts rain. Elijah goes up the mountain and gets into an extremely painful position with his face between his knees. He tells one of his followers to climb higher up the mountain and look towards the sea. Nothing! Well, Elijah proves that the definition of crazy is indeed 'a person who does the same thing over and over expecting a different result every time' and makes the guy do it seven times. Finally, a cloud appears on the seventh run. He sends him down to inform Ahab. Ahab has taken off for Jezreel, but god gives Elijah's feet extra speed and he races ahead of him.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 17
Elijah the proto-Jesus.
Elijah is a prophet and he predicts to king Ahab that god is going to send a drought to Israel. Elijah himself is going to be fine, because god has told him to go to a brook (in other versions it's a wadi, a dry riverbed common to the Middle East, along with droughts. God has also promised that the ravens will feed him. Uh-huh. Indeed, the ravens bring him sandwiches twice a day and he drinks from the creek.
Eventually, the water dries up because of the drought, but not to worry! God has ordered a widow to feed Elijah. So Elijah goes along to Zidon, the city where she lives, and finds her gathering sticks in a field. He commands her to get him some water. Rather than throwing the damned sticks in his face and telling him to get his own damned water, she just goes and gets it for him. While she's on her way, he calls out to her to also make him a sandwich. I've broken up with people for less. But this meek example of biblical womanly virtue replies that she only has a handful of meal and oil left and she was gathering sticks so she could bake a last loaf of bread and die along with her son. That right there is the bible's strongest argument for women's liberation.
Elijah the pig tells her not to worry, but to make him a sandwich, then make a smaller sandwich for herself and her son. If she'll do that, god will magically fill the flour barrel and the oil jug forever after. And he does! Just like the loaves and the fishes!
Next, the woman's son falls ill and stops breathing. She accuses him of making the kid sick, proving once again that gratitude is the shortest-lived human emotion, but Elijah hasn't used up his entire bag of tricks. He carries the boy upstairs and lays him on his bed. Then he stretches himself over the boy three times (I really hope this isn't homoeroticism) and cries out to god to save his life. Lo and behold, the boy revives! Can I get a Lazarus over here?
This finally convinces the widow that Elijah is the real thing.
Elijah is a prophet and he predicts to king Ahab that god is going to send a drought to Israel. Elijah himself is going to be fine, because god has told him to go to a brook (in other versions it's a wadi, a dry riverbed common to the Middle East, along with droughts. God has also promised that the ravens will feed him. Uh-huh. Indeed, the ravens bring him sandwiches twice a day and he drinks from the creek.
Eventually, the water dries up because of the drought, but not to worry! God has ordered a widow to feed Elijah. So Elijah goes along to Zidon, the city where she lives, and finds her gathering sticks in a field. He commands her to get him some water. Rather than throwing the damned sticks in his face and telling him to get his own damned water, she just goes and gets it for him. While she's on her way, he calls out to her to also make him a sandwich. I've broken up with people for less. But this meek example of biblical womanly virtue replies that she only has a handful of meal and oil left and she was gathering sticks so she could bake a last loaf of bread and die along with her son. That right there is the bible's strongest argument for women's liberation.
Elijah the pig tells her not to worry, but to make him a sandwich, then make a smaller sandwich for herself and her son. If she'll do that, god will magically fill the flour barrel and the oil jug forever after. And he does! Just like the loaves and the fishes!
Next, the woman's son falls ill and stops breathing. She accuses him of making the kid sick, proving once again that gratitude is the shortest-lived human emotion, but Elijah hasn't used up his entire bag of tricks. He carries the boy upstairs and lays him on his bed. Then he stretches himself over the boy three times (I really hope this isn't homoeroticism) and cries out to god to save his life. Lo and behold, the boy revives! Can I get a Lazarus over here?
This finally convinces the widow that Elijah is the real thing.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
1 Kings, Chapters 15 & 16
Chapter 15
Jeroboam's son Abijam is a bad king, repeating all his father's sins, but god goes easy on his son because of his great love for David. We don't hear much about Abijam, except that a civil war is going on between his house and that of Rehoboam.
Abijam rules for 3 years, then his son Asa takes over for 41 years. Asa is a better sycophant to god, expelling the homosexuals and tearing down his father's false idols. He even removes his mother's royal title because she once set up an altar to another god. The only thing he doesn't do is remove the temples on the mountains, but god overlooks that.
Asa is continually at war with Baasha, current scion of the Rehoboamites. Asa takes all his gold and silver and bribes the king of Syria to form an alliance with him. Together they stage some raids into Baasha's territory and do some vandalism. Baasha is scared and flees his city of Ramah. Asa eventually dies of foot disease. Can you have a fatal case of athlete's foot? Bunions? Corns?
Asa is succeeded by Jehosephat, then Nadab. Neither is distinguished by anything, except that Nadab is as sinful as his father Jeroboam. Baasha (the same one? Another? Who knows? Who cares?) eventually kills him and all his family members, as god promised, and takes over the throne. Baasha is also a sinner, even though he did what god told him to do.
Chapter 16
God talks to Jehu, telling him to destroy Baasha and become king. Then the corpses will be eaten by dogs and fowls. Lovely imagery there, god. Why? Because he killed Jeroboam! After god told him to! God is such a wild and crazy guy.
Anyway, Baasha dies a normal death and his son Elah takes over. The captain of his guards immediately starts conspiring against him, eventually killing him and all his family and friends. Wait, friends now? Who was even left alive after all this mayhem?
Zimri manages to reign for seven days until, like the small African kleptocracy this is, he's overthrown by the captain of his guard, Omri. Zimri is beseiged for a few days in his city, then, oddly, burns himself to death, which we are told is punishment for his sins. Gotta love a god that comes up with ever-more cruel and unusual punishments!
The end result of this bloodbath is that there are still two kings: Tibni and Omri. Omri's army triumphs and Tibni dies. Omri manages to hold onto his crown for 12 years andexpands Israel's territory, but he's an even worse sinner than his predecessors.
When Omri dies, his son Ahab takes over. Somehow, Ahab manages to top his father in the sinning game. He marries a woman called Jezebel and worships Baal with her and sets up shrines and tempels. The humanity!
The final verse is particularly gruesome, telling us the story of Hiel who rebuilds the city of Jericho, at the expense of his two sons' lives, which is on god's orders.
Yes, these chapters are a confusing succession of coups and insurgencies. I'm not reading this to become a biblical scholar, so forgive me for not taking the time to untangle all the confusing successions and overthrows. I've tried to tell it as straightforwardly as possible, but haven't invested a whole lot of time in the matter.
Jeroboam's son Abijam is a bad king, repeating all his father's sins, but god goes easy on his son because of his great love for David. We don't hear much about Abijam, except that a civil war is going on between his house and that of Rehoboam.
Abijam rules for 3 years, then his son Asa takes over for 41 years. Asa is a better sycophant to god, expelling the homosexuals and tearing down his father's false idols. He even removes his mother's royal title because she once set up an altar to another god. The only thing he doesn't do is remove the temples on the mountains, but god overlooks that.
Asa is continually at war with Baasha, current scion of the Rehoboamites. Asa takes all his gold and silver and bribes the king of Syria to form an alliance with him. Together they stage some raids into Baasha's territory and do some vandalism. Baasha is scared and flees his city of Ramah. Asa eventually dies of foot disease. Can you have a fatal case of athlete's foot? Bunions? Corns?
Asa is succeeded by Jehosephat, then Nadab. Neither is distinguished by anything, except that Nadab is as sinful as his father Jeroboam. Baasha (the same one? Another? Who knows? Who cares?) eventually kills him and all his family members, as god promised, and takes over the throne. Baasha is also a sinner, even though he did what god told him to do.
Chapter 16
God talks to Jehu, telling him to destroy Baasha and become king. Then the corpses will be eaten by dogs and fowls. Lovely imagery there, god. Why? Because he killed Jeroboam! After god told him to! God is such a wild and crazy guy.
Anyway, Baasha dies a normal death and his son Elah takes over. The captain of his guards immediately starts conspiring against him, eventually killing him and all his family and friends. Wait, friends now? Who was even left alive after all this mayhem?
Zimri manages to reign for seven days until, like the small African kleptocracy this is, he's overthrown by the captain of his guard, Omri. Zimri is beseiged for a few days in his city, then, oddly, burns himself to death, which we are told is punishment for his sins. Gotta love a god that comes up with ever-more cruel and unusual punishments!
The end result of this bloodbath is that there are still two kings: Tibni and Omri. Omri's army triumphs and Tibni dies. Omri manages to hold onto his crown for 12 years andexpands Israel's territory, but he's an even worse sinner than his predecessors.
When Omri dies, his son Ahab takes over. Somehow, Ahab manages to top his father in the sinning game. He marries a woman called Jezebel and worships Baal with her and sets up shrines and tempels. The humanity!
The final verse is particularly gruesome, telling us the story of Hiel who rebuilds the city of Jericho, at the expense of his two sons' lives, which is on god's orders.
Yes, these chapters are a confusing succession of coups and insurgencies. I'm not reading this to become a biblical scholar, so forgive me for not taking the time to untangle all the confusing successions and overthrows. I've tried to tell it as straightforwardly as possible, but haven't invested a whole lot of time in the matter.
Monday, August 2, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 14
The continuing misadventures of Jeroboam and his evil twin Rehoboam.
So, Jeroboam's son is sick. He asks his wife to disguise herself and go to Ahijah the prophet in Shiloh to ask what's going to happen to him. She goes to Ahijah's house, but god gets there first and whispers in his ear that she's in disguise and he's to ask her why she did that. He tells her to go back to Jeroboam and explain that this is all punishment for not following the covenant like David did. Because David was such a prize.
He finally finally gets around to dunning Jeroboam for the golden calves. We're informed that casting false idols is the worst thing anyone's ever done ever, which says a lot considering the source. He informs the wife that god is going to destroy Jeroboam's male line and their bodies will be eaten by dogs if they live in the city and by birds if they live in the country. He then tells her to go home, telling her that when she enters her own city, her child will die. That's harsh, killing a child for his father's sins. And just a little bit petty.
God's anger still isn't spent. He also outlines his plans to throw the Israelites off their land because they dedicated poles to Asherah. All of this is Jeroboam's fault, by the way.
The wife leaves, and as predicted, as she crosses the threshold of her house, her son dies. The people mourn, and we are informed that the rest of Jeroboam's story can be found in a book called the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel, which didn't quite make the final cut, thank god.
The final word on Jeroboam is that he reigned for 22 years, then died and was succeeded by his son Nadab, which causes one to ponder what all those threats were about.
Meanwhile, over in Rehoboam's kingdom, things are also not going well. The people of Judah are likewise worshipping other gods and men are sleeping with men and it's just a whole big mess. Finally, the Egyptian king comes along and steals all the gold, and Rehoboam replaces it with brass. All of Rehoboam's other deeds are recorded in the book of the kings of Judah, which, alas, also isn't in this version.
Rehoboam and Jeroboam never do make peace, and finally Rehoboam also dies and his son takes over the throne.
So, Jeroboam's son is sick. He asks his wife to disguise herself and go to Ahijah the prophet in Shiloh to ask what's going to happen to him. She goes to Ahijah's house, but god gets there first and whispers in his ear that she's in disguise and he's to ask her why she did that. He tells her to go back to Jeroboam and explain that this is all punishment for not following the covenant like David did. Because David was such a prize.
He finally finally gets around to dunning Jeroboam for the golden calves. We're informed that casting false idols is the worst thing anyone's ever done ever, which says a lot considering the source. He informs the wife that god is going to destroy Jeroboam's male line and their bodies will be eaten by dogs if they live in the city and by birds if they live in the country. He then tells her to go home, telling her that when she enters her own city, her child will die. That's harsh, killing a child for his father's sins. And just a little bit petty.
God's anger still isn't spent. He also outlines his plans to throw the Israelites off their land because they dedicated poles to Asherah. All of this is Jeroboam's fault, by the way.
The wife leaves, and as predicted, as she crosses the threshold of her house, her son dies. The people mourn, and we are informed that the rest of Jeroboam's story can be found in a book called the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel, which didn't quite make the final cut, thank god.
The final word on Jeroboam is that he reigned for 22 years, then died and was succeeded by his son Nadab, which causes one to ponder what all those threats were about.
Meanwhile, over in Rehoboam's kingdom, things are also not going well. The people of Judah are likewise worshipping other gods and men are sleeping with men and it's just a whole big mess. Finally, the Egyptian king comes along and steals all the gold, and Rehoboam replaces it with brass. All of Rehoboam's other deeds are recorded in the book of the kings of Judah, which, alas, also isn't in this version.
Rehoboam and Jeroboam never do make peace, and finally Rehoboam also dies and his son takes over the throne.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 13
God sure is capricious!
Jeroboam is doing some sacrificing in Bethel when an old man approaches and prophesies that one of his descendants, Josiah will sacrifice priests on that very same altar. So much for that argument that the Israelites are somehow better than the worshippers of Baal because they don't sacrifice each other! He also predicts the destruction of the altar.
Jeroboam orders his men to capture the prophet, but as soon as he touches him, his arm shrivels up à la Bob Dole or John McCain. Then the altar falls apart. Then Jeroboam asks the prophet to ask god to restore his hand. And god does. Remember how thousands of people died after the first golden calf debacle? And now Jeroboam's arm is temporarily shrunken? God sure is inconsistent!
Jeroboam invites the man back for dinner, but he says he can't: god told him not to eat or drink until he gets home.
As he's on his way, another prophet waylays him and asks him in for dinner. He convinces the first prophet by saying an angel told him it would be okay. That convinces prophet one, who makes merry until the holy spirit takes over prophet two and informs him he's broken god's commandment. He informs him that his punishment is he won't be buried with his ancestors. The host sends the prophet away. The prophet is immediately killed by a lion, who then hangs out on the road with the body and the ass he was riding on.
Prophet two goes around like a member of The Hills cast, telling everyone who will listen that the visitor was punished by god. Of course he doesn't mention his own role in all of this.
He does feel some guilt, however, because eventually he goes and collects the body and puts it in his own mausoleum and tells his sons to put him next to the other prophet on his death.
Jeroboam, meanwhile, hasn't taken anything away from the incident. He continues to make anyone and everyone a priest, kind of like those web sites now where you can be ordained so you can perform your friends' wedding ceremonies. It is predicted that eventually this will destroy the house of Jeroboam.
Jeroboam is doing some sacrificing in Bethel when an old man approaches and prophesies that one of his descendants, Josiah will sacrifice priests on that very same altar. So much for that argument that the Israelites are somehow better than the worshippers of Baal because they don't sacrifice each other! He also predicts the destruction of the altar.
Jeroboam orders his men to capture the prophet, but as soon as he touches him, his arm shrivels up à la Bob Dole or John McCain. Then the altar falls apart. Then Jeroboam asks the prophet to ask god to restore his hand. And god does. Remember how thousands of people died after the first golden calf debacle? And now Jeroboam's arm is temporarily shrunken? God sure is inconsistent!
Jeroboam invites the man back for dinner, but he says he can't: god told him not to eat or drink until he gets home.
As he's on his way, another prophet waylays him and asks him in for dinner. He convinces the first prophet by saying an angel told him it would be okay. That convinces prophet one, who makes merry until the holy spirit takes over prophet two and informs him he's broken god's commandment. He informs him that his punishment is he won't be buried with his ancestors. The host sends the prophet away. The prophet is immediately killed by a lion, who then hangs out on the road with the body and the ass he was riding on.
Prophet two goes around like a member of The Hills cast, telling everyone who will listen that the visitor was punished by god. Of course he doesn't mention his own role in all of this.
He does feel some guilt, however, because eventually he goes and collects the body and puts it in his own mausoleum and tells his sons to put him next to the other prophet on his death.
Jeroboam, meanwhile, hasn't taken anything away from the incident. He continues to make anyone and everyone a priest, kind of like those web sites now where you can be ordained so you can perform your friends' wedding ceremonies. It is predicted that eventually this will destroy the house of Jeroboam.
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