Chapter 11
So, has god rejected his people then? By no means! Remember when Elijah bitched that the Israelites had killed all the other prophets and were gunning for him, too? And god said he saved 7000 men from Baal worship? Well, now he's decided to save some number of the population, selected at random rather than through their good works. The rest he has hardened against Jesus, while at the same time punishing them for all eternity. Totally fair and just, that god. And why did he do this? Well, to teach the gentiles about grace, because they're proving easier to convert to this new religion than those argumentative, riot-prone Jews.
Paul informs us that he's saying this to the Gentiles in order to make the Jews jealous and to convince them to come over to his side. He also tells them they're just branches that have been grafted onto a tree, not the root, so be careful, because look what god did to the old branches.
But not to fear! This is all temporary, and one day the Jews will accept Jesus and Israel will be whole again. Until then, though, they're our enemies.
Chapter 12
Paul urges us to turn our minds and bodies over to god. Then he says some things that would be good advice if they were taken out of context, but given that they are written in the bible, they're worth the proverbial hill of beans. See chapter 11, for example.
Nonetheless: Judge yourself fairly, and remember that any organisation needs more indians than chiefs. Only use your talents in proportion to your faith. Love should be sincere, hate is evil. Keep hold of the good things. Be nice to other people. Work hard, be hopeful, but be patient in troubled times, keep praying. Be hospitable to strangers. Don't swear, rather, bless people. Be empathetic to others' feelings. Live harmoniously, striving to get to know people from other social classes. Don't be arrogant. Don't seek revenge,that's god's job, rather act honourably. If your enemy is suffering, give him food and drink. Don't be subsumed by evil, but by good.
Showing posts with label Elijah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elijah. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 2
Is this what Sarah Palin means when she talks about 'momma grizzlies'? Seriously read to the end and tell me.
Elijah is getting old and god has promised to carry him to heaven on a whirlwind. As David Plotz points out, this is the first mention of heaven and the only person who goes there on a whirlwind. I think this book was written at different times by different people and so yeah, it's inconsistent. There's some back and forth with Elisha, his apprentice, who knows Elijah's dying, even though he's not supposed to know. Elijah keeps running around the country trying to die in peace, but Elisha insists on going with him each time.
Finally, they come to the Jordan river, which Elijah smacks with his mantle so it parts, just like Moses did! Elijah tells Elisha to make a wish. Elisha asks for a double portion of his spirit, not that he's greedy or anything. Elijah says if he sees him after his death, he'll get it, but otherwise he won't. Then Elijah dies, and not only does a whirlwind appear, a horse and chariot comes, too! Ya'll, I think this might be a metaphor. I think Elijah got an elaborate funeral, possibly featuring show ponies. Elisha cries for a bit, then picks the mantle up and hits the river with it. It parts! I guess this is where the expression 'passing the mantle' comes from.
The other prophets acknowledge him as their new leader, then go looking for Elijah's body. They look for 3 days but don't find it. Then they start getting him to do tricks. First, they say the city's water sucks, so he throws some water in the river and 'heals' it. Then, as he's leaving the city, some kids start making fun of his bald head. He curses them, and two she-bears come out of the forest and kill 42 of them. Awesome! Go team god!
Now, Christian apologists will bend themselves into knots trying to say that the 'small boys' were really men up to age 40 and they deserved it and so on. Here's the thing: this didn't happen. It's a fairy tale written by a bitter bald guy to scare his mouthy kids into shutting up about his follicle issues. Or something like that. My explanation is just as good as the book's.
Elijah is getting old and god has promised to carry him to heaven on a whirlwind. As David Plotz points out, this is the first mention of heaven and the only person who goes there on a whirlwind. I think this book was written at different times by different people and so yeah, it's inconsistent. There's some back and forth with Elisha, his apprentice, who knows Elijah's dying, even though he's not supposed to know. Elijah keeps running around the country trying to die in peace, but Elisha insists on going with him each time.
Finally, they come to the Jordan river, which Elijah smacks with his mantle so it parts, just like Moses did! Elijah tells Elisha to make a wish. Elisha asks for a double portion of his spirit, not that he's greedy or anything. Elijah says if he sees him after his death, he'll get it, but otherwise he won't. Then Elijah dies, and not only does a whirlwind appear, a horse and chariot comes, too! Ya'll, I think this might be a metaphor. I think Elijah got an elaborate funeral, possibly featuring show ponies. Elisha cries for a bit, then picks the mantle up and hits the river with it. It parts! I guess this is where the expression 'passing the mantle' comes from.
The other prophets acknowledge him as their new leader, then go looking for Elijah's body. They look for 3 days but don't find it. Then they start getting him to do tricks. First, they say the city's water sucks, so he throws some water in the river and 'heals' it. Then, as he's leaving the city, some kids start making fun of his bald head. He curses them, and two she-bears come out of the forest and kill 42 of them. Awesome! Go team god!
Now, Christian apologists will bend themselves into knots trying to say that the 'small boys' were really men up to age 40 and they deserved it and so on. Here's the thing: this didn't happen. It's a fairy tale written by a bitter bald guy to scare his mouthy kids into shutting up about his follicle issues. Or something like that. My explanation is just as good as the book's.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
2 Kings Chapter 1
Well, you know what they say about sequels.
The Moabites take advantage of the chaos caused by Ahab's death and invade. This somehow causes Ahaziah to fall out a window. He asks his advisors to consult with Baalzebub, god of Ekron (a synonym of Beezlebub? who knows). Not that I blame him. God only seems to want to scold and smite these days. Of course, an angel notices and tattles to Elijah. The angel instructs him to go tell Ahaziah's messengers that he's never going to get better and he's going to die in bed. Nyah! The messengers go back with that cheerful information. Ahaziah asks who told them, and they describe Elijah as an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins (v. 8). Ahaziah immediately recognizes Elijah.
In response, Ahaziah sends 51 men to find Elijah, who is sitting on a hilltop. They command him to come with them, and Elijah responds f I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty (v. 10. So god sends fire down to consume the 51 men. Ahaziah sends another 51 men who are likewise burnt to death. The third captain has leanred his lesson and throws himself at Elijah's feet and begs him to come down. God likes this guy and tells Elijah to go with him.
Elijah arrives and tells the king exactly what he told his messengers. Then Ahab dies, and because he has no sons, Jehosephat's son Jeroham rules all of Israel.
The Moabites take advantage of the chaos caused by Ahab's death and invade. This somehow causes Ahaziah to fall out a window. He asks his advisors to consult with Baalzebub, god of Ekron (a synonym of Beezlebub? who knows). Not that I blame him. God only seems to want to scold and smite these days. Of course, an angel notices and tattles to Elijah. The angel instructs him to go tell Ahaziah's messengers that he's never going to get better and he's going to die in bed. Nyah! The messengers go back with that cheerful information. Ahaziah asks who told them, and they describe Elijah as an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins (v. 8). Ahaziah immediately recognizes Elijah.
In response, Ahaziah sends 51 men to find Elijah, who is sitting on a hilltop. They command him to come with them, and Elijah responds f I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty (v. 10. So god sends fire down to consume the 51 men. Ahaziah sends another 51 men who are likewise burnt to death. The third captain has leanred his lesson and throws himself at Elijah's feet and begs him to come down. God likes this guy and tells Elijah to go with him.
Elijah arrives and tells the king exactly what he told his messengers. Then Ahab dies, and because he has no sons, Jehosephat's son Jeroham rules all of Israel.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 19
Jezebel hears what Elijah did with the prophets and sends him a nice little death threat that she's going to do the same to him by the following nightfall. Elijah runs off into the wilderness, where he finally sits down under a juniper tree and prays to die.
He doesn't get his wish, and is awakened by an angel, who gives him water and cake. Angel food cake? Whatever it is, it sustains him for the next 40 days until he gets to Mount Horeb, where he sleeps in a cave. God speaks to him and asks why he's there. Elijah claims that only he keeps god's covenant, and the other Israelites want to kill him for it. Well, telling people they aren't righteous usually gets that response.
God tells him to leave the cave, then sends an earthquake, a wind, a fire and a small voice. Elijah hears the voice and goes back into the cave. It asks him what he's doing there. He repeats the bit about being the only true follower left. God tells him to go to Syria and anoint Hazael king, then Jehu the king of Israel then Elisha his prophet. He'll take care of the rest, namely that Jehu will kill anyone Hazael misses, and anyone Hazael misses, Elisha will get. All except his 7000 true believers.
Elijah then finds Elisha and tells him he's now the prophet. Elisha pauses to say goodbye with a barbecue, then follows Elijah.
He doesn't get his wish, and is awakened by an angel, who gives him water and cake. Angel food cake? Whatever it is, it sustains him for the next 40 days until he gets to Mount Horeb, where he sleeps in a cave. God speaks to him and asks why he's there. Elijah claims that only he keeps god's covenant, and the other Israelites want to kill him for it. Well, telling people they aren't righteous usually gets that response.
God tells him to leave the cave, then sends an earthquake, a wind, a fire and a small voice. Elijah hears the voice and goes back into the cave. It asks him what he's doing there. He repeats the bit about being the only true follower left. God tells him to go to Syria and anoint Hazael king, then Jehu the king of Israel then Elisha his prophet. He'll take care of the rest, namely that Jehu will kill anyone Hazael misses, and anyone Hazael misses, Elisha will get. All except his 7000 true believers.
Elijah then finds Elisha and tells him he's now the prophet. Elisha pauses to say goodbye with a barbecue, then follows Elijah.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 18
A three-god cage match in which there will only be one survivor. Can you guess who?
God tells Elijah to go and talk to Ahab again, and promises rain. He goes, but the famine continues. Not very impressive, god.
Ahab calls his chief steward Obadiah, who is a faithful man who hid a hundred prophets in a cave when Ahab's wife Jezebel went on a priest-killing spree. Nope, that wasn't mentioned before.
Ahab instructs Obadiah to go on a water hunt to keep his horses alive. He doesn't mention children, so we can assume they aren't important enough. Oddly, they embark on this adventure themselves, mainly so Obadiah can stumble across Elijah in a field and prostrate himself. Elijah tells him to go find Ahab, but apparently this has happened before: someone finds Elijah, who sends them off to get Ahab, then disappears when they return, and it's really starting to annoy Ahab. Elijah promises that this time he won't disappear, and Obadiah goes off to find Ahab.
Ahab starts off on the wrong foot, accusing Elijah of troubling Israel. Elijah says it's Ahab, with his pagan worship, who is the troublemaker. He throws down the gantlets: gather 450 priests of Baal and 400 of Asherah and bring them to Mount Carmel at dawn for a shoot-out. Winner takes all.
Ahab gathers his minions and Elijah invites the Israelites. He instructs the priests to take a bull and cut it up. He'll do the same. They'll all call out to their gods and whichever one sets fire to the bull wins. The pagans pray all day, but nothing happens. Elijah comments that Baal must be busy. The pagans self-flagellate.
Elijah tells the Israelites to gather in close, then rebuilds the altar and places 12 stones on pillars. Then he tells them to douse the bullock inlighter fluid water three times. At sunset, he calls on god to prove himself, and god lights the fire. Try this at home, kids.
Elijah orders the pagan priests rounded up and kills them in a riverbed, then turns to Ahab and forecasts rain. Elijah goes up the mountain and gets into an extremely painful position with his face between his knees. He tells one of his followers to climb higher up the mountain and look towards the sea. Nothing! Well, Elijah proves that the definition of crazy is indeed 'a person who does the same thing over and over expecting a different result every time' and makes the guy do it seven times. Finally, a cloud appears on the seventh run. He sends him down to inform Ahab. Ahab has taken off for Jezreel, but god gives Elijah's feet extra speed and he races ahead of him.
God tells Elijah to go and talk to Ahab again, and promises rain. He goes, but the famine continues. Not very impressive, god.
Ahab calls his chief steward Obadiah, who is a faithful man who hid a hundred prophets in a cave when Ahab's wife Jezebel went on a priest-killing spree. Nope, that wasn't mentioned before.
Ahab instructs Obadiah to go on a water hunt to keep his horses alive. He doesn't mention children, so we can assume they aren't important enough. Oddly, they embark on this adventure themselves, mainly so Obadiah can stumble across Elijah in a field and prostrate himself. Elijah tells him to go find Ahab, but apparently this has happened before: someone finds Elijah, who sends them off to get Ahab, then disappears when they return, and it's really starting to annoy Ahab. Elijah promises that this time he won't disappear, and Obadiah goes off to find Ahab.
Ahab starts off on the wrong foot, accusing Elijah of troubling Israel. Elijah says it's Ahab, with his pagan worship, who is the troublemaker. He throws down the gantlets: gather 450 priests of Baal and 400 of Asherah and bring them to Mount Carmel at dawn for a shoot-out. Winner takes all.
Ahab gathers his minions and Elijah invites the Israelites. He instructs the priests to take a bull and cut it up. He'll do the same. They'll all call out to their gods and whichever one sets fire to the bull wins. The pagans pray all day, but nothing happens. Elijah comments that Baal must be busy. The pagans self-flagellate.
Elijah tells the Israelites to gather in close, then rebuilds the altar and places 12 stones on pillars. Then he tells them to douse the bullock in
Elijah orders the pagan priests rounded up and kills them in a riverbed, then turns to Ahab and forecasts rain. Elijah goes up the mountain and gets into an extremely painful position with his face between his knees. He tells one of his followers to climb higher up the mountain and look towards the sea. Nothing! Well, Elijah proves that the definition of crazy is indeed 'a person who does the same thing over and over expecting a different result every time' and makes the guy do it seven times. Finally, a cloud appears on the seventh run. He sends him down to inform Ahab. Ahab has taken off for Jezreel, but god gives Elijah's feet extra speed and he races ahead of him.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 17
Elijah the proto-Jesus.
Elijah is a prophet and he predicts to king Ahab that god is going to send a drought to Israel. Elijah himself is going to be fine, because god has told him to go to a brook (in other versions it's a wadi, a dry riverbed common to the Middle East, along with droughts. God has also promised that the ravens will feed him. Uh-huh. Indeed, the ravens bring him sandwiches twice a day and he drinks from the creek.
Eventually, the water dries up because of the drought, but not to worry! God has ordered a widow to feed Elijah. So Elijah goes along to Zidon, the city where she lives, and finds her gathering sticks in a field. He commands her to get him some water. Rather than throwing the damned sticks in his face and telling him to get his own damned water, she just goes and gets it for him. While she's on her way, he calls out to her to also make him a sandwich. I've broken up with people for less. But this meek example of biblical womanly virtue replies that she only has a handful of meal and oil left and she was gathering sticks so she could bake a last loaf of bread and die along with her son. That right there is the bible's strongest argument for women's liberation.
Elijah the pig tells her not to worry, but to make him a sandwich, then make a smaller sandwich for herself and her son. If she'll do that, god will magically fill the flour barrel and the oil jug forever after. And he does! Just like the loaves and the fishes!
Next, the woman's son falls ill and stops breathing. She accuses him of making the kid sick, proving once again that gratitude is the shortest-lived human emotion, but Elijah hasn't used up his entire bag of tricks. He carries the boy upstairs and lays him on his bed. Then he stretches himself over the boy three times (I really hope this isn't homoeroticism) and cries out to god to save his life. Lo and behold, the boy revives! Can I get a Lazarus over here?
This finally convinces the widow that Elijah is the real thing.
Elijah is a prophet and he predicts to king Ahab that god is going to send a drought to Israel. Elijah himself is going to be fine, because god has told him to go to a brook (in other versions it's a wadi, a dry riverbed common to the Middle East, along with droughts. God has also promised that the ravens will feed him. Uh-huh. Indeed, the ravens bring him sandwiches twice a day and he drinks from the creek.
Eventually, the water dries up because of the drought, but not to worry! God has ordered a widow to feed Elijah. So Elijah goes along to Zidon, the city where she lives, and finds her gathering sticks in a field. He commands her to get him some water. Rather than throwing the damned sticks in his face and telling him to get his own damned water, she just goes and gets it for him. While she's on her way, he calls out to her to also make him a sandwich. I've broken up with people for less. But this meek example of biblical womanly virtue replies that she only has a handful of meal and oil left and she was gathering sticks so she could bake a last loaf of bread and die along with her son. That right there is the bible's strongest argument for women's liberation.
Elijah the pig tells her not to worry, but to make him a sandwich, then make a smaller sandwich for herself and her son. If she'll do that, god will magically fill the flour barrel and the oil jug forever after. And he does! Just like the loaves and the fishes!
Next, the woman's son falls ill and stops breathing. She accuses him of making the kid sick, proving once again that gratitude is the shortest-lived human emotion, but Elijah hasn't used up his entire bag of tricks. He carries the boy upstairs and lays him on his bed. Then he stretches himself over the boy three times (I really hope this isn't homoeroticism) and cries out to god to save his life. Lo and behold, the boy revives! Can I get a Lazarus over here?
This finally convinces the widow that Elijah is the real thing.
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