Acts, Chapter 9: Hysterical Blindness

Saul still isn't satisfied that he has persecuted enough heretics, so he convinces the high priest to send a letter to all the synagogues saying if they have any among their ranks, to send them bound and gagged to Jerusalem. As Saul is walking to Damascus, a spotlight suddenly shines on him and the voice of Jesus asks why he's persecuting him. Saul, terrified, asks what he should do. Jesus tells him to keep going to Damascus, where he'll find out. When he stands up, he's blind.

Saul is blind for the next three days, and also refuses to eat or drink. We leave him for a brief scene with Ananias, who Jesus also visits, to instruct him to go and find Saul and restore his sight. Ananias is reluctant, having heard the stories of Saul's persecutions, but Jesus says it's all part of his mass-conversion plan.

So Ananias finds Saul and restores his sight. Saul immediately converts to the new religion. He spends a few days resting, eating, and talking to his new disciples, before heading out to spread the word. People are instantly suspicious, remembering how just last week he was acting as the grand inquisitor. So, as is the human response to confusing things everywhere, they decide to kill him. However, his disciples catch wind of the plot and, while the gates are being watched, they lower him from the wall in a basket.

When he gets to Jerusalem he tries to join the disciples, but they're like, 'Uh, just last week you were arresting us. Fuck off.' But one of them, Barnabas, takes pity and tells the others that he's really serious. So they accept him, and he starts preaching and arguing with the Greek Jews, who decide to kill him, so the disciples have to send him away again, this time to Caesarea, then to Tarsus. Immediately afterwards, peace breaks out in the church. Coincidence? I think not.

Next we have a scene with Peter, who is travelling, travelling, travelling. At one point, he stops in Lydda, to heal a man with palsy. This converts the entire town. Next, a woman named Dorcas dies in Joppa. The church members, hearing Peter is nearby, send for him, and he restores her life. More people convert. At the end of the chapter, he's staying with someone called Simon the Tanner, whose house I actually saw near Tel Aviv.

John, Chapter 2: How to liven up a Mormon wedding

Jesus goes to the wedding at Cana. Turns out the bridal couple are proto-Mormons and there is no wine, even though Jesus & Co. are thirsty. Very thirsty. So thirsty that Christ is rude to his sainted mother, who throws up her hands and tells the slaves to do whatever Jesus wants.

He tells them to fill up some nearby water pots, then pour a cup out for the Master of Ceremonies. When the MC drinks it, the water turns into wine. He accuses the bridegroom of holding the good wine back until the end, thus commencing an endless cycle of family arguments at Thanksgiving.

After the feast, the company heads briefly to Capernum, then to Jerusalem, since it's Passover time. Upon arrival, he sees the moneychangers and sacrifice-sellers and continues his little fit of pique, throwing their tables to the ground and yelling a lot. The sellers are rightly offended that he is ruining business right before the holy day and ask him to perform a miracle to prove he has authority to do this. Jesus challenges them to destroy the temple and he'll have it rebuilt in 3 days. They point out that it took 46 years to build the temple, and there's no way they're starting again from scratch. But of course Jesus is talking about his body. The disciples will remember this conversation after his crucifixion and finally believe the scriptures. As for Jesus, he remains doubtful about humans. So do I.

Luke, Chapter 2: Miraculous Miracles

So in Mark, which is actually the earliest gospel even though it appears second in the bible, we start off in medias res with Jesus already an adult and performing miracles. But then the end of the world didn't happen, so Matthew amps up the dramatic story and pithy sermons. By the time Luke comes along a few generations later, he's going for full-out bombast, adding miraculous and contradictory details to Matthew's narrative at every possible turn. I'm not going to point out the contradictions, as they've all been pointed out many, many times before by people far more pedantic than I.

Anyway, Luke's version: Cesar orders what is called a tax by the KJV, and a census by many of the other translations. For some bizarre reason, he orders everybody back to their home cities to register for this event. What a logistical nightmare!

Joseph is a descendent of David, so he needs to go back to Bethlehem to register, along with Mary, who is now heavily pregnant. When they arrive, there is no room at the inn because of the crazy logistical nightmare that would so obviously be created by forcing everyone to return to their ancestral homes to register for a tax, so like every bad sitcom ever, Mary goes into labour. And like every sitcom ever, she gives birth in the barn and lays the kid out in a manger.

Meanwhile, out in a field somewhere, an angel, probably Gabriel, because he's the only one, appears to some shepherds and tells them a miracle has happened in Bethlehem and to go there and worship the baby in the manger. So they go, and after figuring out the mix-up with Brian, they find the proper baby and start worshipping him.

Eight days later, Jesus is circumcised and named. A couple of weeks after that, Mary is ready to sacrifice her two turtledoves or pigeons and they start off for home. No word on whether they've spent this entire time in the barn with their kid sleeping in a food trough.

Rather than going straight back to Nazareth like any sane new mother would want to do, Mary and Joseph head to Jerusalem to do more new-baby things. Waiting for them is a crazy person named Simeon, who has been told that he will not die until he sees the Messiah. He grabs the baby and calls him a miracle, then goes off to die happy.

Next up on the crazy train is a prophetess named Anna, who also pronounces the baby the saviour. Mary, it should be mentioned, is lapping all this up, but what parent in history wasn't convinced that his or her kid wasn't a Messiah/Michelangelo/Mozart/miracle?

Finally, finally, Joseph and Mary are able to head back to Nazareth for some peace and quiet. And again like a bad sitcom, Jesus grows up in one verse. We next see him 12 years later in Jerusalem, where he is at the family Passover feast. Now, despite church teaching that Mary stayed a virgin all her life and Jesus had no siblings, they somehow manage to leave him behind. And then they don't notice for an entire day. Parents of the year, those two.

After three days of frantically calling relatives, they finally find him in the temple. They scold him for making them worry, but Jesus, clearly already a smart-mouth, replies How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? (v. 49) They're too tired to argue, so they simply take him back to Nazareth, where he continues to be too big for his britches.

2 Kings, Chapter 20

Hezekiah is sick. They tell him he's dying, but he doesn't want to be. So he begs Isaiah to ask god for a few more years. He gets 15. I've read 700 pages of this book so far. I should get those 15 years.


Isaiah puts a lump of boiled figs on the boil that was killing him. Oh, I see. Hezekiah had a man cold. That he's feeling better isn't enough for Hezekiah, he wants proof that he's really cured. Gift horses, Hezekiah. You can practically hear Isaiah sighing as he asks Hezekiah if he wants god to set the sun forwards or backwards by 10 degrees. Hezekiah chooses backwards. Riveting. It's like watching an episode of Jersey Shore that only features Sammi, Ronnie and Angelina.


The king of Babylon sends Hezekiah a get well soon present. Hezekiah in turn invites him over for a house tour. Isaiah notices them leaving and asks Hezekiah who they were and what he showed them. Hezekiah showed them everything, of course. Isaiah says god says they were just casing the place and now they're going to carry everything back to Babylon with them, including his sons, who will be eunuchs.


But it isn't going to happen right away, so Hezekiah isn't worried. He builds up the city's waterworks then dies and his son Manasseh takes over.

2 Kings, Chapter 13

At the same time as Jehoash is ruling one part of Israel, another king, Jehoahaz rises up in Samaria. Jehoahaz is a Baal-worshipper and eventually god lets the Syrians invade as punishment. He finally begs the lord for mercy, so god sets them free again, but they STILL don't reform. God also takes away Jehoahaz's army.


When he dies his son, confusingly named Jehoash, takes over. This Jehoash is evil and the civil war between the two Israels continues.


Elisha is dying. One of the Jehoashes comes to him and asks him to end the civil war and get rid of the Syrians. Elisha tells him to get a bow and arrow, then shoot out the window. Apparently, that will cause the Syrians to go away. Or at least think you're bat-shit crazy. Then he tells him to hit an arrow on the ground. He does, three times. Elisha calls him an idiot and says if he'd hit the arrow on the ground 5 or 6 times, he'd have defeated the Syrians entirely, but now some of them are going to be left over. What are the chances that no matter how many times he hit the arrow, there'd still be Syrians at the end of the day? Then Elisha dies, and doesn't go to heaven on a whirlwind.


The Moabites invade. Oh, goody. I don't think we've seen them for awhile. At one point, they stop to bury a man. It just so happens that Elisha's bones are also in that spot. When his body hits Elisha's, he gets back up, right as rain. Would that make him a zombie?


Syria continues to cause trouble, but god hasn't given up on his chosen people. He lets Jehoash win three times against them. Scene!

2 Kings, Chapter 7

More miraculous deeds by Elisha.


First, he predicts the commodities markets and commits a little insider trading, telling his disciples how much flour and barley are going to cost the next day. One of them questions him and he threatens to have god smote him.


Next, four lepers enter the city and try to decide whether to just sit there until they die, or to throw themselves on the mercy of the Syrians. I'm pretty sure I know what Newt Gingrich would advise. They decide in the end to beg the Syrians for some food and wander over to their camp, which has been abandoned so quickly the horses are still tied up, because god made some trumpet noises and they thought the Hitites and the Egyptians had joined the Israelites against them, which should make it obvious how easy it actually was to defeat the Syrians in those days. The lepers set to plundering the Syrian tents.


Eventually they decide that hanging out in a deserted camp is a bit creepy, so they go to the king's palace, where they tell the porter what they've just seen. The porter is sufficiently impressed to go and wake the king, who is skeptical, thinking the Syrians are trying to lure his people out of the city. He is convinced by another servant to survey the camp in a chariot. He goes out and isn't attacked so the people come and raid the camp, causing the price of flour and barley to go up (or down, it isn't clear) as Elisha predicted.


The man who questioned Elisha is trampled to death by the returning scavengers. Lovely.

2 Kings, Chapter 6

More miraculous works of Elisha the super-prophet.


Some of the sons of the prophets want to build a new city over by the Jordan river. Elisha agrees to go with them. As one of them is chopping down trees, his shoddy, Wal-mart-bought axe head flies off and lands in the river. The man dispairs because apparently axes are in short supply, but Elisha is there with his magic staff and he touches the water with it and behold! the axe head floats to the surface and starts swimming around. Freaky.


Next, the Syrians invade. No, the transition sequences in this book are not well done. Anyway, they invade and set up camp somewhere. Elisha warns the Israelite king not to go where the camp is. And he doesn't! Apparently that counts as a miracle. The Syrian king is frustrated at his inability to capture the Israelite king and asks his servants which of them is the mole, but it's none of them, because Elisha can hear what he says in his chambers. Spooky! He sends some of his chariots to capture Elisha.


Elisha is in the town of Dothan when the chariots arrive. His servants are afraid, but he's relaxed. He prays and suddenly a bunch of chariots and horses appears out of a mountain and surrounds him. Then he asks god to make the Syrians blind. He also makes them stupid, because Elisha then asks them to follow him, and takes them all the way to Samaria, where he asks god to restore their vision.


The king of Israel isn't quite sure what to do with the Syrians, and asks Elisha if he should smite them or what. Elisha is an early follower of the Geneva convention and orders him not to smite them but instead to give them food and water, then send them home. They don't come back for awhile.


When they do come back, they besiege Samaria for so long that an ass' head becomes worth 80 shekels and people are eating dove dung. One day, the king is taking a tour around the walls when a woman cries out to him that her neighbour proposed eating her son for dinner that day, and the neighbour's son the following day. So they did, only now the neighbour has hidden her son. Bet you never heard this story in Sunday school. He rends his clothes and sends for Elisha, but the people are getting mighty skeptical about god.


To be continued in the next chapter...

2 Kings, Chapter 5

Naaman is the captain of the Syrian army and a leper. His Israelite slave girl tells his wife that Elisha can probably cure his affliction. She tells Naaman, who convinces the Syrian king to write a letter on his behalf begging the services of the prophet. He also sends some money and cloth, which I think were more convincing.


The king, of course, has no idea how to cure leprosy, as no one did then, and has a fit. Elisha hears about it and offers to heal Naaman. His cure: bathe seven times in the Jordan river. Somehow I think even the most devout believer in biblical inerrancy would still opt for drugs in this situation.


Naaman is equally dissatisfied, because he was expecting Elisha to ask for god's help, and he's more than a little put out at traveling all this way to bathe in a river when there are perfectly good rivers at home. His servants remind him that he was prepared to do something difficult for this cure, so he shouldn't balk at doing something so easy. He gives in to the incontrovertible logic and takes his bath, which clears his skin right up. I think we need to chalk this incident up to looser definitions of 'cure.'


Nevertheless, the improvement is enough that he offers a gift to Elisha, who refuses. So Naaman asks if he can take home some earth from Elisha's garden, and vows never to worship another god. He does add a clause to his contract that when the king of Syria goes to worship and he has to help him into the temple, he shouldn't be punished. Then he leaves.


One of Elisha's servants still wants a present, so he chases after him. He catches up to Naaman and says two sons of the prophet have just arrived and want a tribute. The servant takes the loot home and sends his servants away before dumping it on the floor. He goes back to Elisha, who asks where he's been. He lies and says nowhere, but Elisha says he saw him receiving the present and punishes him and his children with leprosy.

2 Kings, Chapter 4

A woman comes up to Elisha and complains that her husband has died and her two sons are about to be put into slavery to pay off his debts. He tells her to go and get all the pots she can find. Then he repeats Elijah's trick with the olive oil, filling all the pots to the brim. Then he tells her to sell the bread and free her sons.


Next, as he's walking, a woman asks him to come inside and 'eat bread.' He starts going there a lot to 'eat bread.' He 'eats' so much 'bread' that the woman turns to her husband and says, Behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us make a little chamber, I pray thee, on the wall; and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither. (v 9-10). Finally, it occurs to Elisha to thank the woman for all her 'bread.' He asks her what she wants: an introduction to the king? to the general? Nah, she's happy at home. What she doesn't have is a child, and her husband is old. Elisha promises her a son in one year. It shouldn't take long with all that 'bread eating' he's been doing.


One day a few years later, the kid goes outside to where his father is threshing, complaining of a headache. They carry him into the house, where he promptly dies. His mother lays him on the bed then rides off to find Elisha. She collapses at his feet and tells him the story. He sends his servant home with her with instructions to tap the boy on the face with his staff. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't work. Elisha then repeats the trick of lying on the boy, along with a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, which has better success, as the boy awakes with seven sneezes.


Later on, Elisha comes to Gilgal, where there is a famine. He instructs his servant to put a pot on the fire and cook up some soup. The men, clearly not the sharpest spoons in the drawer, go around gathering up herbs and spices without any knowledge of which ones might be poisonous, and lo and behold, the resulting stew is tainted. Elisha nonchalantly orders them to bring him some meal, which he throws into the pot, curing them all.


For his final party trick Elisha turns a man's few ears of corn and barley into a feast for the whole village.

2 Kings, Chapter 3

Sacrificing your children to prove what a crazy mofo you are and scare off your enemies. The bible, ya'll!


Jeroham becomes king of Israel. He's bad, but not in the Baal-worshiping sense, he worships that second set of golden calves that Jeroboam made. The king of Moab sends him 100 000 lambs, 100 000 sheep, and some wool. Then he rebels.


Jeroham goes to Jehosephat, king of Judah, and asks him to support him against the Moabites. Jehosephat agrees. They raise an army and march seven days towards the Moabites. Along the way, they run out of water. Jeroham is ready to give up and go home, but Jehosephat remembers Elisha and sends for him. Elisha tells Jeroham to fuck off and ask the gods his parents worshipped. He also says god did this to deliver them into the hands of the Moabites. However, because he has some respect for Jehosephat, he agrees to help them and asks for a minstrel. Apparently prophesying goes better with music.


Once he has some accompaniment, Elisha tells them to dig some ditches and in the morning they'll be filled with water. Then they'll be able to beat the Moabites. He instructs them to go all General Sherman on them and burn down everything, including the trees, which lots of people point out is forbidden in Deuteronomy. Big book, lots of verses, who can be expected to keep track of every single one? Only people who really, really care about denying gay rights. Not tree-huggers.

In the morning, as predicted, there is water in the ditches (miraculous dew!). The Moabites see it at sunrise and it's red, so they assume the Israelites slaughtered each other and go to grab the spoils. The Israelites pick them off like fish in a barrel, then tear down their city walls, cover the fields with stones, block the wells, hack down the trees and generally wage total war. The Moabite king tries to escape into Edom, but can't. In desperation, he sacrifices his oldest son, which convinces the Israelites that they are dealing with a proto-Kaiser Soze and gets them to leave. Hm...

2 Kings, Chapter 2

Is this what Sarah Palin means when she talks about 'momma grizzlies'? Seriously read to the end and tell me.


Elijah is getting old and god has promised to carry him to heaven on a whirlwind. As David Plotz points out, this is the first mention of heaven and the only person who goes there on a whirlwind. I think this book was written at different times by different people and so yeah, it's inconsistent. There's some back and forth with Elisha, his apprentice, who knows Elijah's dying, even though he's not supposed to know. Elijah keeps running around the country trying to die in peace, but Elisha insists on going with him each time.


Finally, they come to the Jordan river, which Elijah smacks with his mantle so it parts, just like Moses did! Elijah tells Elisha to make a wish. Elisha asks for a double portion of his spirit, not that he's greedy or anything. Elijah says if he sees him after his death, he'll get it, but otherwise he won't. Then Elijah dies, and not only does a whirlwind appear, a horse and chariot comes, too! Ya'll, I think this might be a metaphor. I think Elijah got an elaborate funeral, possibly featuring show ponies. Elisha cries for a bit, then picks the mantle up and hits the river with it. It parts! I guess this is where the expression 'passing the mantle' comes from.


The other prophets acknowledge him as their new leader, then go looking for Elijah's body. They look for 3 days but don't find it. Then they start getting him to do tricks. First, they say the city's water sucks, so he throws some water in the river and 'heals' it. Then, as he's leaving the city, some kids start making fun of his bald head. He curses them, and two she-bears come out of the forest and kill 42 of them. Awesome! Go team god!


Now, Christian apologists will bend themselves into knots trying to say that the 'small boys' were really men up to age 40 and they deserved it and so on. Here's the thing: this didn't happen. It's a fairy tale written by a bitter bald guy to scare his mouthy kids into shutting up about his follicle issues. Or something like that. My explanation is just as good as the book's.

1 Kings, Chapter 19

Jezebel hears what Elijah did with the prophets and sends him a nice little death threat that she's going to do the same to him by the following nightfall. Elijah runs off into the wilderness, where he finally sits down under a juniper tree and prays to die.

He doesn't get his wish, and is awakened by an angel, who gives him water and cake. Angel food cake? Whatever it is, it sustains him for the next 40 days until he gets to Mount Horeb, where he sleeps in a cave. God speaks to him and asks why he's there. Elijah claims that only he keeps god's covenant, and the other Israelites want to kill him for it. Well, telling people they aren't righteous usually gets that response.

God tells him to leave the cave, then sends an earthquake, a wind, a fire and a small voice. Elijah hears the voice and goes back into the cave. It asks him what he's doing there. He repeats the bit about being the only true follower left. God tells him to go to Syria and anoint Hazael king, then Jehu the king of Israel then Elisha his prophet. He'll take care of the rest, namely that Jehu will kill anyone Hazael misses, and anyone Hazael misses, Elisha will get. All except his 7000 true believers.

Elijah then finds Elisha and tells him he's now the prophet. Elisha pauses to say goodbye with a barbecue, then follows Elijah.

1 Kings, Chapter 18

A three-god cage match in which there will only be one survivor. Can you guess who?

God tells Elijah to go and talk to Ahab again, and promises rain. He goes, but the famine continues. Not very impressive, god.

Ahab calls his chief steward Obadiah, who is a faithful man who hid a hundred prophets in a cave when Ahab's wife Jezebel went on a priest-killing spree. Nope, that wasn't mentioned before.

Ahab instructs Obadiah to go on a water hunt to keep his horses alive. He doesn't mention children, so we can assume they aren't important enough. Oddly, they embark on this adventure themselves, mainly so Obadiah can stumble across Elijah in a field and prostrate himself. Elijah tells him to go find Ahab, but apparently this has happened before: someone finds Elijah, who sends them off to get Ahab, then disappears when they return, and it's really starting to annoy Ahab. Elijah promises that this time he won't disappear, and Obadiah goes off to find Ahab.

Ahab starts off on the wrong foot, accusing Elijah of troubling Israel. Elijah says it's Ahab, with his pagan worship, who is the troublemaker. He throws down the gantlets: gather 450 priests of Baal and 400 of Asherah and bring them to Mount Carmel at dawn for a shoot-out. Winner takes all.

Ahab gathers his minions and Elijah invites the Israelites. He instructs the priests to take a bull and cut it up. He'll do the same. They'll all call out to their gods and whichever one sets fire to the bull wins. The pagans pray all day, but nothing happens. Elijah comments that Baal must be busy. The pagans self-flagellate.

Elijah tells the Israelites to gather in close, then rebuilds the altar and places 12 stones on pillars. Then he tells them to douse the bullock in lighter fluid water three times. At sunset, he calls on god to prove himself, and god lights the fire. Try this at home, kids.

Elijah orders the pagan priests rounded up and kills them in a riverbed, then turns to Ahab and forecasts rain. Elijah goes up the mountain and gets into an extremely painful position with his face between his knees. He tells one of his followers to climb higher up the mountain and look towards the sea. Nothing! Well, Elijah proves that the definition of crazy is indeed 'a person who does the same thing over and over expecting a different result every time' and makes the guy do it seven times. Finally, a cloud appears on the seventh run. He sends him down to inform Ahab. Ahab has taken off for Jezreel, but god gives Elijah's feet extra speed and he races ahead of him.

1 Kings, Chapter 17

Elijah the proto-Jesus.

Elijah is a prophet and he predicts to king Ahab that god is going to send a drought to Israel. Elijah himself is going to be fine, because god has told him to go to a brook (in other versions it's a wadi, a dry riverbed common to the Middle East, along with droughts. God has also promised that the ravens will feed him. Uh-huh. Indeed, the ravens bring him sandwiches twice a day and he drinks from the creek.

Eventually, the water dries up because of the drought, but not to worry! God has ordered a widow to feed Elijah. So Elijah goes along to Zidon, the city where she lives, and finds her gathering sticks in a field. He commands her to get him some water. Rather than throwing the damned sticks in his face and telling him to get his own damned water, she just goes and gets it for him. While she's on her way, he calls out to her to also make him a sandwich. I've broken up with people for less. But this meek example of biblical womanly virtue replies that she only has a handful of meal and oil left and she was gathering sticks so she could bake a last loaf of bread and die along with her son. That right there is the bible's strongest argument for women's liberation.

Elijah the pig tells her not to worry, but to make him a sandwich, then make a smaller sandwich for herself and her son. If she'll do that, god will magically fill the flour barrel and the oil jug forever after. And he does! Just like the loaves and the fishes!

Next, the woman's son falls ill and stops breathing. She accuses him of making the kid sick, proving once again that gratitude is the shortest-lived human emotion, but Elijah hasn't used up his entire bag of tricks. He carries the boy upstairs and lays him on his bed. Then he stretches himself over the boy three times (I really hope this isn't homoeroticism) and cries out to god to save his life. Lo and behold, the boy revives! Can I get a Lazarus over here?

This finally convinces the widow that Elijah is the real thing.