Chapter 25
Amaziah becomes king and immediately kills his father's killers, but not their kids, because that would be wrong. Then he raises an army of 300 000 and hires 100 000 more mercenaries, but one of his prophets comes up to him and begs him not to take the Israelites, because god doesn't want like them. So he sends them home, but they're mighty pissy about it. Then he kills 10 000 children of Seir outright and throws another 10 000 off a cliff. Why, we don't know, but they're definitely all guilty of... something.
Meanwhile the soldiers he sent back kill and pillage 3000 people in Judah.
Back to Amaziah, who has started to worship the gods of Seir. His prophets try to warn him, but in the end he refuses to repent and kindles god's wrath. He sends word to Joash that he wants to meet with him, but Joash uses a parable about thistles, cedars and wild boars that translates to: fuck off. But they fight nonetheless and Judah is roundly defeated. Joash breaks down the walls of Jerusalem and pillages the city. Amaziah flees, but is killed anyway.
Chapter 26
Uzziah is Amaziah's 16 year old son. At first, he's great: he rebuilds the walls of Jerusalem, defeats the Philistines, and invents a cunning automatic-arrow launcher/catapult that would totally land him on the Discovery Channel if he hadn't likely borrowed it from the Romans, who are definitely not credited here.
But like all the kings in Kings, he gets too big for his breeches and does something wrong. In this case, he burns incense even though he isn't a priest. The real priests try to warn him, but he ignores them so god gives him leprosy. Beware, all you incense-burning laymen!
Chapter 27
The boring story of Jotham, a good king who rebuilds the temple, helps old ladies across the street and gives candy to children.
Chapter 28
Ahaz is everything his father wasn't: false idols, child sacrifice, burning incense! So god sends the Syrians and the Israelites to defeat him and kidnap his people. One of them kills 120 000 of his people, another kills his son and closest slaves. Then they carry off 200 000 women and children. A priest warns the Syrians not to sin, so they take the captives back to Jericho.
Meanwhile, Judah is being invaded on all sides because of Ahaz' shenanigans. He asks the king of Syria for help, but doesn't get it, because he's so bad, he's started worshipping the Syrian gods as well. Then he dies and isn't buried with his ancestors. The shame!
Showing posts with label civil war. Show all posts
Showing posts with label civil war. Show all posts
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 8
Elisha goes back to the woman whose son he restored to life a few chapters ago and tells her to move, because there's going to be a seven year famine. So she goes to the land of the Philistines. She returns seven years later and asks for her land back. The king turns to Elisha's servant and asks him for an exact accounting of Elisha's miracles. When he gets to the part about restoring the son, the woman cries out, like one-track mind much, lady? And Gehazi says it's her, like no one could tell. The king orders his officers to restore the woman's possessions.
Elisah, meanwhile, goes to the Syrian king, Benhadad, who is sick. Benhadad asks someone called Hazeal to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will recover, but he'll also die. Then he starts to cry. Hazeal asks why, and he says it's because he knows all the evil Hazeal is going to do to the Israelites. Hazeal asks if he has free will, and Elisha says he's going to be king one day. Hazeal goes back to his father and promises him he'll recover, then the next day waterboards him until he suffocates. Yes, the actual words are: he took a thick cloth and dipped it in water, and spread it on his face, so that he died (v. 15).
We get a quick update on the kings of Israel, in which we are told that Jeroham, of the tribe of Judah, is evil, but god keeps him around out of lingering affection for David. Edom revolts during his reign and there's a third Israelite king. Jeroham goes and smites them for their rebellion. Somehow, they keep waging civil war despite all being dead. Then another fire starts up when the people of Libnah start acting up. Then Jeroham dies.
He's replaced by Ahaziah, who is also evil. I'm pretty sure 'evil' is a synonym for 'human' here. Anyway, he teams up with the other Israelite king, Joram to fight the Syrians. They manage to injure Joram, who retreats to recover. Ahaziah visits him, a story I'm sure will pick back up in the next chapter.
Elisah, meanwhile, goes to the Syrian king, Benhadad, who is sick. Benhadad asks someone called Hazeal to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will recover, but he'll also die. Then he starts to cry. Hazeal asks why, and he says it's because he knows all the evil Hazeal is going to do to the Israelites. Hazeal asks if he has free will, and Elisha says he's going to be king one day. Hazeal goes back to his father and promises him he'll recover, then the next day waterboards him until he suffocates. Yes, the actual words are: he took a thick cloth and dipped it in water, and spread it on his face, so that he died (v. 15).
We get a quick update on the kings of Israel, in which we are told that Jeroham, of the tribe of Judah, is evil, but god keeps him around out of lingering affection for David. Edom revolts during his reign and there's a third Israelite king. Jeroham goes and smites them for their rebellion. Somehow, they keep waging civil war despite all being dead. Then another fire starts up when the people of Libnah start acting up. Then Jeroham dies.
He's replaced by Ahaziah, who is also evil. I'm pretty sure 'evil' is a synonym for 'human' here. Anyway, he teams up with the other Israelite king, Joram to fight the Syrians. They manage to injure Joram, who retreats to recover. Ahaziah visits him, a story I'm sure will pick back up in the next chapter.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
1 Kings, Chapters 15 & 16
Chapter 15
Jeroboam's son Abijam is a bad king, repeating all his father's sins, but god goes easy on his son because of his great love for David. We don't hear much about Abijam, except that a civil war is going on between his house and that of Rehoboam.
Abijam rules for 3 years, then his son Asa takes over for 41 years. Asa is a better sycophant to god, expelling the homosexuals and tearing down his father's false idols. He even removes his mother's royal title because she once set up an altar to another god. The only thing he doesn't do is remove the temples on the mountains, but god overlooks that.
Asa is continually at war with Baasha, current scion of the Rehoboamites. Asa takes all his gold and silver and bribes the king of Syria to form an alliance with him. Together they stage some raids into Baasha's territory and do some vandalism. Baasha is scared and flees his city of Ramah. Asa eventually dies of foot disease. Can you have a fatal case of athlete's foot? Bunions? Corns?
Asa is succeeded by Jehosephat, then Nadab. Neither is distinguished by anything, except that Nadab is as sinful as his father Jeroboam. Baasha (the same one? Another? Who knows? Who cares?) eventually kills him and all his family members, as god promised, and takes over the throne. Baasha is also a sinner, even though he did what god told him to do.
Chapter 16
God talks to Jehu, telling him to destroy Baasha and become king. Then the corpses will be eaten by dogs and fowls. Lovely imagery there, god. Why? Because he killed Jeroboam! After god told him to! God is such a wild and crazy guy.
Anyway, Baasha dies a normal death and his son Elah takes over. The captain of his guards immediately starts conspiring against him, eventually killing him and all his family and friends. Wait, friends now? Who was even left alive after all this mayhem?
Zimri manages to reign for seven days until, like the small African kleptocracy this is, he's overthrown by the captain of his guard, Omri. Zimri is beseiged for a few days in his city, then, oddly, burns himself to death, which we are told is punishment for his sins. Gotta love a god that comes up with ever-more cruel and unusual punishments!
The end result of this bloodbath is that there are still two kings: Tibni and Omri. Omri's army triumphs and Tibni dies. Omri manages to hold onto his crown for 12 years andexpands Israel's territory, but he's an even worse sinner than his predecessors.
When Omri dies, his son Ahab takes over. Somehow, Ahab manages to top his father in the sinning game. He marries a woman called Jezebel and worships Baal with her and sets up shrines and tempels. The humanity!
The final verse is particularly gruesome, telling us the story of Hiel who rebuilds the city of Jericho, at the expense of his two sons' lives, which is on god's orders.
Yes, these chapters are a confusing succession of coups and insurgencies. I'm not reading this to become a biblical scholar, so forgive me for not taking the time to untangle all the confusing successions and overthrows. I've tried to tell it as straightforwardly as possible, but haven't invested a whole lot of time in the matter.
Jeroboam's son Abijam is a bad king, repeating all his father's sins, but god goes easy on his son because of his great love for David. We don't hear much about Abijam, except that a civil war is going on between his house and that of Rehoboam.
Abijam rules for 3 years, then his son Asa takes over for 41 years. Asa is a better sycophant to god, expelling the homosexuals and tearing down his father's false idols. He even removes his mother's royal title because she once set up an altar to another god. The only thing he doesn't do is remove the temples on the mountains, but god overlooks that.
Asa is continually at war with Baasha, current scion of the Rehoboamites. Asa takes all his gold and silver and bribes the king of Syria to form an alliance with him. Together they stage some raids into Baasha's territory and do some vandalism. Baasha is scared and flees his city of Ramah. Asa eventually dies of foot disease. Can you have a fatal case of athlete's foot? Bunions? Corns?
Asa is succeeded by Jehosephat, then Nadab. Neither is distinguished by anything, except that Nadab is as sinful as his father Jeroboam. Baasha (the same one? Another? Who knows? Who cares?) eventually kills him and all his family members, as god promised, and takes over the throne. Baasha is also a sinner, even though he did what god told him to do.
Chapter 16
God talks to Jehu, telling him to destroy Baasha and become king. Then the corpses will be eaten by dogs and fowls. Lovely imagery there, god. Why? Because he killed Jeroboam! After god told him to! God is such a wild and crazy guy.
Anyway, Baasha dies a normal death and his son Elah takes over. The captain of his guards immediately starts conspiring against him, eventually killing him and all his family and friends. Wait, friends now? Who was even left alive after all this mayhem?
Zimri manages to reign for seven days until, like the small African kleptocracy this is, he's overthrown by the captain of his guard, Omri. Zimri is beseiged for a few days in his city, then, oddly, burns himself to death, which we are told is punishment for his sins. Gotta love a god that comes up with ever-more cruel and unusual punishments!
The end result of this bloodbath is that there are still two kings: Tibni and Omri. Omri's army triumphs and Tibni dies. Omri manages to hold onto his crown for 12 years andexpands Israel's territory, but he's an even worse sinner than his predecessors.
When Omri dies, his son Ahab takes over. Somehow, Ahab manages to top his father in the sinning game. He marries a woman called Jezebel and worships Baal with her and sets up shrines and tempels. The humanity!
The final verse is particularly gruesome, telling us the story of Hiel who rebuilds the city of Jericho, at the expense of his two sons' lives, which is on god's orders.
Yes, these chapters are a confusing succession of coups and insurgencies. I'm not reading this to become a biblical scholar, so forgive me for not taking the time to untangle all the confusing successions and overthrows. I've tried to tell it as straightforwardly as possible, but haven't invested a whole lot of time in the matter.
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