Anonymous Prologue
This book was written by Jesus. Not THE Jesus, but another Jesus who lived while the Israelites were enslaved by the Babylonians. Anyway, Jesus wrote a lot of stuff down, but wasn't very organised, a trait shared by his son Sirach. Sirach gave the notes to his own son, Jesus, who finally compiled them into a book. It's a book of wisdom, supposedly and it can't possibly be stupider than what Solomon sought to share with us, can it?
Prologue by Jesus
Turns out Disney's new annoying movie credits have a precedent! Jesus humble-brags that all the credit for this book goes to his grandpappy, he's just the editor. He also informs us he had some translation problems, as there were some words in Hebrew that simply cannot be expressed properly in a different tongue. He also apparently mixed his granddad's notes with a book he found in Egypt once.
Chapter 1
All wisdom comes from god, who is the only person who can count the grains of sand, raindrops, or days. I'm not sure Jesus understands the difference between can and bored enough to want to. Also, since Jesus doesn't know about geometry or telescopes, he has no way of figuring out how big the earth is.Too bad he didn't just ask Eratosthenes when he was over there in Egypt looking in used book stores, since according to Wikipedia, he lived around the time this book was supposedly writtn.
So who knows the things god has revealed to the goddess Wisdom? God. Okay, we're 7 verses in and so far Jesus has committed two logical fallacies and proved he doesn't know basic math.
Anyway, Wisdom is a kind of female holy spirit, in all things and present with all believers. Fearing god is an honour and will make you happy and long-lived. It is the beginning of wisdom, but alas it can only happen while you're in your mother's uterus. As long as you fit that criterion, you will be healthy and rich and skilled
Friday, July 11, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
The Wisdom of Solomon, Chapters 18 & 19: The madness of king Solomon
Chapter 18
God gives the Egyptians a burning column of fire to light their way, even though they should be shut up in a dark hole for kidnapping the Israelites. Next on the list of Egyptian atrocities is the decision to kill all the Israelite children. God saved the first victim and killed a bunch of Egyptian kids in response, which doesn't seem like justice, really.
Anyway, seeing all those Egyptian kids killed by god heartened the Israelites, because they knew they would get to heaven while their enemies would be destroyed. Meanwhile, they kept sacrificing in secret. Eventually, there are so many dead Egyptians there's no one left to bury them. Only then do they acknowledge that the Israelites' god is the one true god.
God leaves them alone for awhile, then starts visiting bad dreams on them. He also kills a bunch of Israelites in the desert, but not for long, and eventually they make it to Israel again.
Chapter 19
Back to the Egyptians, who quickly forget that the Israelites are the righteous and go out to enslave them again. So god drowns them in the Red Sea. Then there are frogs and flies and sea quails. Then suddenly there are Sodomites again, even though that city was destroyed in Genesis and this book is currently recounting the events in Exodus. Anyway, the Sodomites are inhospitable so god makes them blind. Then sea animals and land animals switch environments and fire and water switch physical properties.
Yeah, that whole book pretty much made no sense. Maybe by the time he wrote it, Solomon was suffering from dementia?
God gives the Egyptians a burning column of fire to light their way, even though they should be shut up in a dark hole for kidnapping the Israelites. Next on the list of Egyptian atrocities is the decision to kill all the Israelite children. God saved the first victim and killed a bunch of Egyptian kids in response, which doesn't seem like justice, really.
Anyway, seeing all those Egyptian kids killed by god heartened the Israelites, because they knew they would get to heaven while their enemies would be destroyed. Meanwhile, they kept sacrificing in secret. Eventually, there are so many dead Egyptians there's no one left to bury them. Only then do they acknowledge that the Israelites' god is the one true god.
God leaves them alone for awhile, then starts visiting bad dreams on them. He also kills a bunch of Israelites in the desert, but not for long, and eventually they make it to Israel again.
Chapter 19
Back to the Egyptians, who quickly forget that the Israelites are the righteous and go out to enslave them again. So god drowns them in the Red Sea. Then there are frogs and flies and sea quails. Then suddenly there are Sodomites again, even though that city was destroyed in Genesis and this book is currently recounting the events in Exodus. Anyway, the Sodomites are inhospitable so god makes them blind. Then sea animals and land animals switch environments and fire and water switch physical properties.
Yeah, that whole book pretty much made no sense. Maybe by the time he wrote it, Solomon was suffering from dementia?
Sunday, July 6, 2014
The Wisdom of Solomon, Chapter 17: Ghost Stories
God's wisdom is so great it cannot be expressed, which is why people do dumb shit like taking the Israelites into bondage, which led to the infidel Babylonians being shut up in their newly-haunted houses. Really? This is the best the Apocrypha can do? The Babylonians started hearing water falling down sounded about them, and sad visions appeared unto them with heavy countenances (v. 4)? Also, the stars and light bulbs stopped working for them. Boy do I hear them. I would never say it to her face, but the one and only thing I agree with Michele Bachmann on is that these new CFC light bulbs are a scam.
Anyway, after months of non-functioning illumination and regret at their failure to hoard incandescents, suddenly a fire kindles itself and scares the crap out of the Babylonians, because it turns out the things they can see are much worse than the things they couldn't. Only if the story is being told by someone with no imagination. I once stayed up past 3 in the morning in my incredibly safe suburban house in Canada reading Stephen King's The Shining because I was too scared to go to sleep.
This stops all the Babylonians' bragging about how smart they are, because even in the second century BCE, psychics were a crock. Also, dangerous things like snakes and wild animals were no longer afraid of them. Don't feed the bears people!
Also they couldn't sleep, which may explain why they were seeing things, fainting, hearing the wind or birds or rocks falling or people running past that weren't there or echoes. Their solution was remarkably 21st century: putting the crazy people in jail.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The Wisdom of Solomon, Chapters 14-16: God hates potters
Chapter 14
Solomon tells us a story about a group of idiots who can't sail but who go out on a crappy boat anyway, then get into trouble. They pray to god to save them and he does. Don't try this at home. Also, don't make things by hand or god will punish both you and your handiwork. Did they have Wal-Mart in the 3rd century BCE? Or is this some weird plug for Moses' extended family?
Gentiles are spiritual fornicators, which does not sound nearly as fun as regular fornication. And don't make pictures of your children, even if they die, because then you might start to worship them as gods. Some people did that once with a painting of a far-off king, but pretty soon they were worshiping the portrait instead of god, and then they started murdering they children, committing adultery, and perjuring themselves in court.
Chapter 15
If you sin, it's okay, because you're still one of god's children. But Solomon promises not to commit the sin of worshiping false idols. He accuses the potters of shaping clay for clean uses one day and maketh a vain god of the same clay the next (v. 7-8). Our fictitious potter is only trying to outdo all the metalsmiths, but in the end his life will be worth less than his clay. Why do I suspect that one of his thousand wives has a nephew who's a potter and needs work?
The enemies of the Israelites are stupider and unhappier than babies for believing in false idols and worshiping beasts, and all their tchotchkes are ugly.
Chapter 16
To punish the idol-worshipers, god made a fine stew of mystery meat and quail to tempt the heathens. It just so happens that they were hungry, suffering a temporary spell of poverty. But when they arrived for the feast, they were set upon by wild animals and serpents which stung and tortured them to death. Luckily for these sinners, they've wandered into Mormon heaven, where they get a second chance to accept god into their hearts after enduring torture and death.
God is a little less merciful to his own people, sending venomous dragons (v. 10) to torture them if they get out of line, but in the end he'll forgive them too. Of course, he can also send them to hell, especially murderers.
All those terrible things that keep happening to you? Rain, hail, fire that won't quit, beasts attacking you in the form of Guy Fieri? That's god scourging the heretics. No explanation as to why true believers all experience the same things, and if there was one it would just be, 'Well, you weren't doing it right.' But if god does like you, the reward is free bread.
Solomon tells us a story about a group of idiots who can't sail but who go out on a crappy boat anyway, then get into trouble. They pray to god to save them and he does. Don't try this at home. Also, don't make things by hand or god will punish both you and your handiwork. Did they have Wal-Mart in the 3rd century BCE? Or is this some weird plug for Moses' extended family?
Gentiles are spiritual fornicators, which does not sound nearly as fun as regular fornication. And don't make pictures of your children, even if they die, because then you might start to worship them as gods. Some people did that once with a painting of a far-off king, but pretty soon they were worshiping the portrait instead of god, and then they started murdering they children, committing adultery, and perjuring themselves in court.
Chapter 15
If you sin, it's okay, because you're still one of god's children. But Solomon promises not to commit the sin of worshiping false idols. He accuses the potters of shaping clay for clean uses one day and maketh a vain god of the same clay the next (v. 7-8). Our fictitious potter is only trying to outdo all the metalsmiths, but in the end his life will be worth less than his clay. Why do I suspect that one of his thousand wives has a nephew who's a potter and needs work?
The enemies of the Israelites are stupider and unhappier than babies for believing in false idols and worshiping beasts, and all their tchotchkes are ugly.
Chapter 16
To punish the idol-worshipers, god made a fine stew of mystery meat and quail to tempt the heathens. It just so happens that they were hungry, suffering a temporary spell of poverty. But when they arrived for the feast, they were set upon by wild animals and serpents which stung and tortured them to death. Luckily for these sinners, they've wandered into Mormon heaven, where they get a second chance to accept god into their hearts after enduring torture and death.
God is a little less merciful to his own people, sending venomous dragons (v. 10) to torture them if they get out of line, but in the end he'll forgive them too. Of course, he can also send them to hell, especially murderers.
All those terrible things that keep happening to you? Rain, hail, fire that won't quit, beasts attacking you in the form of Guy Fieri? That's god scourging the heretics. No explanation as to why true believers all experience the same things, and if there was one it would just be, 'Well, you weren't doing it right.' But if god does like you, the reward is free bread.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
The Wisdom of Solomon, Chapters 11-13: Stupidity talks, vanity acts
Chapter 11
Solomon recaps the book of Exodus for us, except in his version, the Israelites worshipped some stupid serpents and god sent wild animals to kill them. These particular beasts have sparkle eyes. Best line of the chapter: For thou lovest all the things that are, and abhorrest nothing which thou hast made: fo never wouldest thou have made anyt hing, if thou hadst hated it (v. 24). It's quite clear Solomon has never actually read Exodus, in which god kills the first-born children of the Egyptians, which I believe he created in Genesis.
Chapter 12
Things heathens do: witchcraft, wicked sacrifices (v. 2), child murde, cannibalism, feasts of blood (v. 3), killing souls. And god's punishment: wasps. It didn't work, at least not at first, because it was a naughty generation (v. 10). But in the end, they'll get what they deserve.
Chapter 13
People are vain and don't know that god exists. They think the things around them were caused by fire, wind, the stars or water, and think those things are the real god. They're closer, at least.
Other people go looking for god in things of beauty, like gold, silver, jewels, art or antiques. A carpenter cuts down a tree, carves it into a jug, which he then sells, and uses the proceeds to buy himself a nice meal. Then he takes the bits of wood that he rejected for the jug and carves a sculpture of a man, or some vile beast (v. 14), whatever. Then he paints it red. Then he sets up a shrine in a room and nails his figurine to the wall. Then he prays to it. That's about right.
Solomon recaps the book of Exodus for us, except in his version, the Israelites worshipped some stupid serpents and god sent wild animals to kill them. These particular beasts have sparkle eyes. Best line of the chapter: For thou lovest all the things that are, and abhorrest nothing which thou hast made: fo never wouldest thou have made anyt hing, if thou hadst hated it (v. 24). It's quite clear Solomon has never actually read Exodus, in which god kills the first-born children of the Egyptians, which I believe he created in Genesis.
Chapter 12
Things heathens do: witchcraft, wicked sacrifices (v. 2), child murde, cannibalism, feasts of blood (v. 3), killing souls. And god's punishment: wasps. It didn't work, at least not at first, because it was a naughty generation (v. 10). But in the end, they'll get what they deserve.
Chapter 13
People are vain and don't know that god exists. They think the things around them were caused by fire, wind, the stars or water, and think those things are the real god. They're closer, at least.
Other people go looking for god in things of beauty, like gold, silver, jewels, art or antiques. A carpenter cuts down a tree, carves it into a jug, which he then sells, and uses the proceeds to buy himself a nice meal. Then he takes the bits of wood that he rejected for the jug and carves a sculpture of a man, or some vile beast (v. 14), whatever. Then he paints it red. Then he sets up a shrine in a room and nails his figurine to the wall. Then he prays to it. That's about right.
Friday, May 30, 2014
The Wisdom of Solomon, Chapters 7-10: A clever wife often sleeps with a stupid husband
Chapter 7
Solly was born a baby, but at some point he discovered wisdom and made it his bitch. He swears he shares all of his knowledge with anyone who wants to know, though he is failing to prove that claim so far in this book and in his other book he tried to cut a baby in half. He claims to know how the world was made and how its elements work, like how the sun and seasons turn and astronomy and animal behaviourism and anemology (the study of wind) and botany. Of course he only makes claims, he doesn't back any of them up.
Chapter 8
Solomon is so smart he once tried to marry wisdom, then just to live with her when she said no. He claims he's respected and honoured by his people even though he's young. They listen when he talks and it's nothing to do with his being the king.
He thinks wisdom will make him immortal, and not the baby-slicing incident. It's also going to make him a good solider, probably because armies will get tired of his jabbering and surrender. Alas for the rest of us, wisdom is something god has to give you, along with your crown.
Chapter 9
Solomon thanks god some more for making him so wise he can't share one interesting tidbit of information he's gleaned.
Chapter 10
Solomon reminds us of all the times wisdom helped people in the Old Testament. Noah, Lot, Jacob, Joseph, Moses. Of course, he doesn't mention how god set up all those scenarios.
Solly was born a baby, but at some point he discovered wisdom and made it his bitch. He swears he shares all of his knowledge with anyone who wants to know, though he is failing to prove that claim so far in this book and in his other book he tried to cut a baby in half. He claims to know how the world was made and how its elements work, like how the sun and seasons turn and astronomy and animal behaviourism and anemology (the study of wind) and botany. Of course he only makes claims, he doesn't back any of them up.
Chapter 8
Solomon is so smart he once tried to marry wisdom, then just to live with her when she said no. He claims he's respected and honoured by his people even though he's young. They listen when he talks and it's nothing to do with his being the king.
He thinks wisdom will make him immortal, and not the baby-slicing incident. It's also going to make him a good solider, probably because armies will get tired of his jabbering and surrender. Alas for the rest of us, wisdom is something god has to give you, along with your crown.
Chapter 9
Solomon thanks god some more for making him so wise he can't share one interesting tidbit of information he's gleaned.
Chapter 10
Solomon reminds us of all the times wisdom helped people in the Old Testament. Noah, Lot, Jacob, Joseph, Moses. Of course, he doesn't mention how god set up all those scenarios.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
The Wisdom of Solomon, Chapters 4-6: Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish
Chapter 4
It's better to be virtuous and not have children, because virtuous people will live on in heaven. Okay, now I want this to be a part of the regular bible. Ungodly people's children don't thrive because they don't have roots, even though they may reproduce for a few generations. Bastard children are even worse: a symbol of their parents' wickedness.
A man who gets old has pleased god and only dies quickly so god can get him away from the sinners. Righteous dead people can condemn sinners and god will throw them headfirst into something. It's not specific about what, exactly.
Chapter 5
When sinners die, they have to face their righteous neighbours, who will remain annoying until the end gloating at them from the front gates of heaven. At that point, they'll realise that being rich didn't buy immortality. Then there are a bunch of metaphors for ephemerality involving birds and smoke.
Righteous people will also be able to instruct go to attack the unrighteous with lightening bolts, hail, floods and gale force winds.
Chapter 6
Kings should know that god put them on their thrones and he can also take them off. No man is greater than god and to paraphrase Tywin Lannister, any god who has to say that is no god. Anyway, the way to be a good king is to stick to the feasting schedule, follow the laws, and become wise, though this book will be of no help to you in achieving that.
It's better to be virtuous and not have children, because virtuous people will live on in heaven. Okay, now I want this to be a part of the regular bible. Ungodly people's children don't thrive because they don't have roots, even though they may reproduce for a few generations. Bastard children are even worse: a symbol of their parents' wickedness.
A man who gets old has pleased god and only dies quickly so god can get him away from the sinners. Righteous dead people can condemn sinners and god will throw them headfirst into something. It's not specific about what, exactly.
Chapter 5
When sinners die, they have to face their righteous neighbours, who will remain annoying until the end gloating at them from the front gates of heaven. At that point, they'll realise that being rich didn't buy immortality. Then there are a bunch of metaphors for ephemerality involving birds and smoke.
Righteous people will also be able to instruct go to attack the unrighteous with lightening bolts, hail, floods and gale force winds.
Chapter 6
Kings should know that god put them on their thrones and he can also take them off. No man is greater than god and to paraphrase Tywin Lannister, any god who has to say that is no god. Anyway, the way to be a good king is to stick to the feasting schedule, follow the laws, and become wise, though this book will be of no help to you in achieving that.
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