Friday, July 11, 2014

Ecclesiasticus, Chapter 1: Somehow dumber than Solomon

Anonymous Prologue

This book was written by Jesus. Not THE Jesus, but another Jesus who lived while the Israelites were enslaved by the Babylonians. Anyway, Jesus wrote a lot of stuff down, but wasn't very organised, a trait shared by his son Sirach. Sirach gave the notes to his own son, Jesus, who finally compiled them into a book. It's a book of wisdom, supposedly and it can't possibly be stupider than what Solomon sought to share with us, can it?

Prologue by Jesus

Turns out Disney's new annoying movie credits have a precedent! Jesus humble-brags that all the credit for this book goes to his grandpappy, he's just the editor. He also informs us he had some translation problems, as there were some words in Hebrew that simply cannot be expressed properly in a different tongue. He also apparently mixed his granddad's notes with a book he found in Egypt once.

Chapter 1

All wisdom comes from god, who is the only person who can count the grains of sand, raindrops, or days. I'm not sure Jesus understands the difference between can and bored enough to want to. Also, since Jesus doesn't know about geometry or telescopes, he has no way of figuring out how big the earth is.Too bad he didn't just ask Eratosthenes when he was over there in Egypt looking in used book stores, since according to Wikipedia, he lived around the time this book was supposedly writtn.

So who knows the things god has revealed to the goddess Wisdom? God. Okay, we're 7 verses in and so far Jesus has committed two logical fallacies and proved he doesn't know basic math.

Anyway, Wisdom is a kind of female holy spirit, in all things and present with all believers. Fearing god is an honour and will make you happy and long-lived. It is the beginning of wisdom, but alas it can only happen while you're in your mother's uterus. As long as you fit that criterion, you will be healthy and rich and skilled

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