Chapter 10
Yay! The space aliens are back! God tells the cherub who just finished smiting all the unmarked Jerusalemites to take burning coals from under the flying cars and scatter them over the city. Then a cloud appears in a house and the aliens start beating their wings, which sounds remarkably like god's voice. The cherubs, and possibly some cherubim (my knowledge of the various types of angels is limited, as is my interest), line up next to their cars and a man's hand appears. Then suddenly the aliens and their cars are covered in eyes and the wheels start talking. This is exactly like a hallucinogenic drug episode. Also, if these aliens can fly, why do they need flying cars? Anyway, the episode sort of fizzles after that, because the cherubs, cherubim and god sort of stand there for awhile then take off, without doing anything besides giving an angel some coals.
Chapter 11
Zeke is airlifted over to the temple, where god shows him the 25 men who have been pissing him off most recently. Their crime? Improper chanting. God has him make a long speech about all the ways he's going to smite them.
When he's released, Zeke collapses on his face and asks god why he's so mean to everybody all the time. God insists this punishment is a temporary cleansing ritual and when he brings the Israelites back they'll be pure of heart and won't want to sin anymore. For an hour or so.
Then the cherubs and the cloud lift Zeke up, stop briefly for duty-free shopping on a mountain, then head over to Babylon so he can spread the word.
Chapter 12
God tells Zeke to pack up all his belongings as though he's moving, then dig through a wall and leave town with his face covered so he can't see the ground. In the morning, god wonders if anybody asked what he was doing. If they did, he was supposed to say that they would soon be packing up all their stuff and moving, too - to Babylon! But Zeke never says whether anybody asked, which leads me to believe that nobody did, because when the naked, shrieking cross-dresser who burns his own hair and clothing digs a hole in the wall and leaves, you don't say anything, you just hope he never comes back.
So god tries a new tactic to get people curious about Zeke. Now he's supposed to eat and drink ve-e-e-ry carefully and tremble. Then when people wonder why the naked, shrieking cross-dresser who burns his own hair and clothes and digs holes in the wall rather than walking through the gate is eating funny, he's supposed to tell them all the ways god is going to kill them.
As a final act of weirdo theatre, god changes some proverbs around.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 7-9: The truth about angels
Chapter 7
I want my whimsical story about 4-faced space aliens and their flying cars back! But no, Zeke is in full-on doomsday prophet mode, haranguing the people that the end is coming 'soon' and ye shall know that I am the LORD that smiteth (v. 9). How? Oh, the usual, plague, famine, war. Who? Everybody, of course! And no bribing your way out with silver and gold.
Chapter 8
Okay, this is more like it. Zeke is sitting around chewing the fat with the village elders when god appears in fiery form and lifts him up by the hair and carries him to the temple. Then they go on a little sin-finding tour that is the opposite of Alice's absurd adventures. First, Zeke digs underneath a hole in the wall, where, unsurprisingly, he finds a lot of creepy crawlies, but also a door. Behind the door are 70 men worshipping false idols.
Next, god leads him to another gate where women are ritually mourning the loss of sunlight in tribute to a harvest god, a practice that makes sense for an agrarian people, especially when your own god is constantly threatening you with crop failure and famine. Behind door number three are another 25 men worshipping the sun. It's all too much for god, and he declares he's going to kill every last one of them. Again some more.
Chapter 9
God, in yet another fit of uncontrollable rage, screams at Zeke to call his 6 avenging angels to come with their swords and an inkhorn. Their task is to go through the city marking righteous men and killing everybody else. As they're doing it, Zeke throws himself down on the ground and asks god why he's so mean to everybody all the time. God sighs in the way of abusers that if the people wouldn't be so damned stubborn, he wouldn't have to smite them so much. Then the angel comes back and says he's finished with his task.
I want my whimsical story about 4-faced space aliens and their flying cars back! But no, Zeke is in full-on doomsday prophet mode, haranguing the people that the end is coming 'soon' and ye shall know that I am the LORD that smiteth (v. 9). How? Oh, the usual, plague, famine, war. Who? Everybody, of course! And no bribing your way out with silver and gold.
Chapter 8
Okay, this is more like it. Zeke is sitting around chewing the fat with the village elders when god appears in fiery form and lifts him up by the hair and carries him to the temple. Then they go on a little sin-finding tour that is the opposite of Alice's absurd adventures. First, Zeke digs underneath a hole in the wall, where, unsurprisingly, he finds a lot of creepy crawlies, but also a door. Behind the door are 70 men worshipping false idols.
Next, god leads him to another gate where women are ritually mourning the loss of sunlight in tribute to a harvest god, a practice that makes sense for an agrarian people, especially when your own god is constantly threatening you with crop failure and famine. Behind door number three are another 25 men worshipping the sun. It's all too much for god, and he declares he's going to kill every last one of them. Again some more.
Chapter 9
God, in yet another fit of uncontrollable rage, screams at Zeke to call his 6 avenging angels to come with their swords and an inkhorn. Their task is to go through the city marking righteous men and killing everybody else. As they're doing it, Zeke throws himself down on the ground and asks god why he's so mean to everybody all the time. God sighs in the way of abusers that if the people wouldn't be so damned stubborn, he wouldn't have to smite them so much. Then the angel comes back and says he's finished with his task.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 4-6: Prophecy as performance art
Chapter 4
God must have got bored with viticulture, so now he's into model building. One wonders if that's maybe what he's been doing since his book was published. So this particular model is an intricate sculpture of Jerusalem besieged by the Babylonians. Then he tells Zeke to lie on his left side for 390 days to represent the punishment of the Israelites, then to roll over onto his right side for another 40 days for the punishment of Judah. He can't move, but he can have special bread, 20 shekels' worth of meat, and water every day. You know, I don't think anyone has eaten a piece of fruit since the apple way back in Genesis. So I have no idea how he's able to follow the baking instructions: thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight (v. 12). Yes, this strategy is definitely going to convince the Israelites to give up their sinning ways and turn back to god.
Zeke whines that he's a vegetarian, proving they were the most irritating people on earth even then, so god says he can't bake his bread with cow dung instead of human dung, and I don't understand how that solves the problems? But god has bigger things on his mind, namely how he's going to visit famine and drought on Jerusalem for no apparent reason.
Chapter 5
In another demonstration that isn't going to convince anyone, god tells Zeke to shave off all his hair, then burn a third of it in the town square, smite another third with a knife, and scatter the last third in the wind. He's supposed to keep a few hairs back and weave them into his skirt. Then he's supposed to burn the skirt. I'm starting to wonder if all these stories about the prophets are actually a primitive DSM.
Anyway, this bald, naked, cross-dressing weirdo who just set his clothes and hair on fire then starts shrieking in the town square about how all this represents Jerusalem and how god is going to punish them with famine, cannibalism, plague and war. There's no mention of the populace's reaction, but if they've already dealt with Isaiah and Jeremiah, maybe they're inured to street crazies by now.
Chapter 6
No word of whether Zeke got himself some new clothes. Now he's screaming at the mountains about how god is going to shatter the altars and scatter them with the bones of dead children. Then he starts dancing and chanting about people dying by famine, pestilence and war so people will know it was god what done it. In other words, Jerusalem hasn't changed a bit.
God must have got bored with viticulture, so now he's into model building. One wonders if that's maybe what he's been doing since his book was published. So this particular model is an intricate sculpture of Jerusalem besieged by the Babylonians. Then he tells Zeke to lie on his left side for 390 days to represent the punishment of the Israelites, then to roll over onto his right side for another 40 days for the punishment of Judah. He can't move, but he can have special bread, 20 shekels' worth of meat, and water every day. You know, I don't think anyone has eaten a piece of fruit since the apple way back in Genesis. So I have no idea how he's able to follow the baking instructions: thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight (v. 12). Yes, this strategy is definitely going to convince the Israelites to give up their sinning ways and turn back to god.
Zeke whines that he's a vegetarian, proving they were the most irritating people on earth even then, so god says he can't bake his bread with cow dung instead of human dung, and I don't understand how that solves the problems? But god has bigger things on his mind, namely how he's going to visit famine and drought on Jerusalem for no apparent reason.
Chapter 5
In another demonstration that isn't going to convince anyone, god tells Zeke to shave off all his hair, then burn a third of it in the town square, smite another third with a knife, and scatter the last third in the wind. He's supposed to keep a few hairs back and weave them into his skirt. Then he's supposed to burn the skirt. I'm starting to wonder if all these stories about the prophets are actually a primitive DSM.
Anyway, this bald, naked, cross-dressing weirdo who just set his clothes and hair on fire then starts shrieking in the town square about how all this represents Jerusalem and how god is going to punish them with famine, cannibalism, plague and war. There's no mention of the populace's reaction, but if they've already dealt with Isaiah and Jeremiah, maybe they're inured to street crazies by now.
Chapter 6
No word of whether Zeke got himself some new clothes. Now he's screaming at the mountains about how god is going to shatter the altars and scatter them with the bones of dead children. Then he starts dancing and chanting about people dying by famine, pestilence and war so people will know it was god what done it. In other words, Jerusalem hasn't changed a bit.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 1-3: The first UFO sighting
Chapter 1
Ezekiel, man was in a cult, and that cult, was into aliens, man. So Ezekiel starts off by telling us that he saw this fiery, glowing whirlwind with an amber light at the centre. Fourlittle green men creatures come out of the whirlwind, each with four faces and four wings, cloven feet and regular hands. The faces are a lion, a man, an ox and an eagle. They all glow.
These creatures move around like lightening, and seem to drive around in flying cars with the image of each face on a giant, glowing wheel. The cars have moonroofs which sparkle like the actual night sky. Ezekiel is hypnotized by the sound of their wings, and then hears a voice from the firmament and sees a throne with the figure of a man on it. He looks like he's on fire. Ezekiel realises it's god and throws himself to the ground as the figure speaks.
I don't know about the rest of you, but if the next 47 chapters are as fun as the first, this book will definitely make my all-time favourites list.
Chapter 2
As it must be after such an absurd, and clearly drug-addled first chapter, the second is a disappointment. God hauls Zeke to his feet and tells him his mission is to bring the Israelites to heel. Then he tells him to open his mouth and eat what he's given. He looks and sees a disembodied hand holding a scroll. Okay, that's pretty awesome.
Chapter 3
Whatever Zeke is on is still going strong because he eats the scroll and thinks it tastes like honey. If you've ever eaten paper, you know it's about the furthest thing from honey possible. God tells him to go to the temple and convince the Israelites to follow him again. Then the four creatures and their magic flying cars appear again and whisk him over to Telabib (Tel Aviv?). The people there are surprised to see him, and even more surprised when he doesn't speak for a week.
When god does finally say something, it's extremely unpleasant: If people are doing wicked things and Zeke doesn't tell them the penalty for their sins is death, they'll both die. If he warns them and they keep doing it, only the sinners will die. If an otherwise righteous man sins because god put a stumbling-block in his way and Zeke didn't warn him, they'll both die. But if Zeke does warn him, they'll both live.
God then tells him to go out to a flood plain next to a river, where he appears. Because god never appears to more than one person, you know. Zeke throws himself to the ground again. God tells him to go home and lock the doors because the mob is going to show up and tie him up. And then god will bind his tongue to the roof of his mouth so he can't rebuke his assailants.
Ezekiel, man was in a cult, and that cult, was into aliens, man. So Ezekiel starts off by telling us that he saw this fiery, glowing whirlwind with an amber light at the centre. Four
These creatures move around like lightening, and seem to drive around in flying cars with the image of each face on a giant, glowing wheel. The cars have moonroofs which sparkle like the actual night sky. Ezekiel is hypnotized by the sound of their wings, and then hears a voice from the firmament and sees a throne with the figure of a man on it. He looks like he's on fire. Ezekiel realises it's god and throws himself to the ground as the figure speaks.
I don't know about the rest of you, but if the next 47 chapters are as fun as the first, this book will definitely make my all-time favourites list.
Chapter 2
As it must be after such an absurd, and clearly drug-addled first chapter, the second is a disappointment. God hauls Zeke to his feet and tells him his mission is to bring the Israelites to heel. Then he tells him to open his mouth and eat what he's given. He looks and sees a disembodied hand holding a scroll. Okay, that's pretty awesome.
Chapter 3
Whatever Zeke is on is still going strong because he eats the scroll and thinks it tastes like honey. If you've ever eaten paper, you know it's about the furthest thing from honey possible. God tells him to go to the temple and convince the Israelites to follow him again. Then the four creatures and their magic flying cars appear again and whisk him over to Telabib (Tel Aviv?). The people there are surprised to see him, and even more surprised when he doesn't speak for a week.
When god does finally say something, it's extremely unpleasant: If people are doing wicked things and Zeke doesn't tell them the penalty for their sins is death, they'll both die. If he warns them and they keep doing it, only the sinners will die. If an otherwise righteous man sins because god put a stumbling-block in his way and Zeke didn't warn him, they'll both die. But if Zeke does warn him, they'll both live.
God then tells him to go out to a flood plain next to a river, where he appears. Because god never appears to more than one person, you know. Zeke throws himself to the ground again. God tells him to go home and lock the doors because the mob is going to show up and tie him up. And then god will bind his tongue to the roof of his mouth so he can't rebuke his assailants.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Lamentations, Chapters 1-5: God turns mothers into cannibals.
Now this is the proper length for a book!
Chapter 1
The first seven verses are a fairly pretty poem comparing Jerusalem to a sad woman. But this being the bible it can't keep it up without going misogynist and telling us the sin was in her skirts, that god crushed her like a virgin in a winepress or telling us Jerusalem is like a menstruating woman. It's like a Lars von Trier movie. The author asks god to inflict the same punishments on the Babylonians.
Chapter 2
Verses I really need to keep in mind when speaking to stupid Christians The LORD was as an enemy (v. 5). The rest of the chapter is a description of the destruction of Jerusalem, including the fact that women ate their children.
Chapter 3
Crikey. 68 verses.
God has been torturing the lamenter with broken bones and teeth, chains, wild animals and arrows to the kidneys. But the author has developed Stockholm Syndrome and thinks all these things are signs of mercy and love. He even thinks that he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men. (v. 33) He urges us to accept punishment for our sins and god to inflict it on his enemies.
Chapter 4
Apparently sea monsters nurse their young. Thank you, bible, for clearing that up! Also, if you'll remember from Job, ostriches are really bad parents. And speaking of bad parents, god is refusing to feed the Israelite children, which evangelicals always insist is because of their sins. But they're kids, so that's dumb.
All this is worse than what happened in Sodom, and I agree, because at least the Sodomites didn't have to watch their kids starve to death, then cannibalize them as this chapter graphically points out. I don't think I've read anything so horrible since Judges.
The prophets are no help except to say that the women of Edom are going to get drunk and naked soon.
Chapter 5
A long, depressing list of ways the Israelites have become abject. Highlights: they're tanned from labouring in the field, princes have been hung by the hands, young men can no longer play music, foxes are walking on Mount Zion! The book ends on perhaps the most depressing note ever: But thou hast utterly rejected us; thou art very wroth against us. (v. 22) But who knows? We still have like, 12 major and minor prophets left to go.
Chapter 1
The first seven verses are a fairly pretty poem comparing Jerusalem to a sad woman. But this being the bible it can't keep it up without going misogynist and telling us the sin was in her skirts, that god crushed her like a virgin in a winepress or telling us Jerusalem is like a menstruating woman. It's like a Lars von Trier movie. The author asks god to inflict the same punishments on the Babylonians.
Chapter 2
Verses I really need to keep in mind when speaking to stupid Christians The LORD was as an enemy (v. 5). The rest of the chapter is a description of the destruction of Jerusalem, including the fact that women ate their children.
Chapter 3
Crikey. 68 verses.
God has been torturing the lamenter with broken bones and teeth, chains, wild animals and arrows to the kidneys. But the author has developed Stockholm Syndrome and thinks all these things are signs of mercy and love. He even thinks that he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men. (v. 33) He urges us to accept punishment for our sins and god to inflict it on his enemies.
Chapter 4
Apparently sea monsters nurse their young. Thank you, bible, for clearing that up! Also, if you'll remember from Job, ostriches are really bad parents. And speaking of bad parents, god is refusing to feed the Israelite children, which evangelicals always insist is because of their sins. But they're kids, so that's dumb.
All this is worse than what happened in Sodom, and I agree, because at least the Sodomites didn't have to watch their kids starve to death, then cannibalize them as this chapter graphically points out. I don't think I've read anything so horrible since Judges.
The prophets are no help except to say that the women of Edom are going to get drunk and naked soon.
Chapter 5
A long, depressing list of ways the Israelites have become abject. Highlights: they're tanned from labouring in the field, princes have been hung by the hands, young men can no longer play music, foxes are walking on Mount Zion! The book ends on perhaps the most depressing note ever: But thou hast utterly rejected us; thou art very wroth against us. (v. 22) But who knows? We still have like, 12 major and minor prophets left to go.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 50-52: Out with a whimper
Chapter 50
God vows to send an invading army from the north to defeat the Babylonians. Verse 12 is a proto-Yo Mama joke: Your mother shall be sore confounded; she that bare you shall be ashamed: behold, the hindermost of the nations shall be a wilderness, a dry land, and a desert. After he finishes punishing the Babylonians for something he did, he'll let the Israelites go home. And he'll turn all the Babylonian men into women. I think more than a few politicians need to see that particular verse. Of course no commentary has anything to say about this clear endorsement of sex changes.
Chapter 51
Apparently Babylon was quite the party town and people got so drunk there they all went crazy. And in the spirit of Carrie Nation, the best way to destroy it is with axes. Then let dragons in. Then turn the men into women again. And possibly rape the women. And holy shit! I did not know that I will bring them down like lambs to the slaughter (v. 40) was from the bible. I seriously thought it came from The Silence of the Lambs.
Then there's a curious incident where Jeremiah gives a copy of his book to an apprentice and tells him to read it aloud to the Babylonians, then tie a stone to it and throw it into the Euphrates River.
Chapter 52
Another fucking retelling of the sack of Jerusalem by the Babylonians. This was already in 2 Kings, one of the Chronicles, Isaiah, and probably a dozen other places I don't recall. If you aren't familiar with it by now, reading another summary won't help, so I'm not going to re-write it.
God vows to send an invading army from the north to defeat the Babylonians. Verse 12 is a proto-Yo Mama joke: Your mother shall be sore confounded; she that bare you shall be ashamed: behold, the hindermost of the nations shall be a wilderness, a dry land, and a desert. After he finishes punishing the Babylonians for something he did, he'll let the Israelites go home. And he'll turn all the Babylonian men into women. I think more than a few politicians need to see that particular verse. Of course no commentary has anything to say about this clear endorsement of sex changes.
Chapter 51
Apparently Babylon was quite the party town and people got so drunk there they all went crazy. And in the spirit of Carrie Nation, the best way to destroy it is with axes. Then let dragons in. Then turn the men into women again. And possibly rape the women. And holy shit! I did not know that I will bring them down like lambs to the slaughter (v. 40) was from the bible. I seriously thought it came from The Silence of the Lambs.
Then there's a curious incident where Jeremiah gives a copy of his book to an apprentice and tells him to read it aloud to the Babylonians, then tie a stone to it and throw it into the Euphrates River.
Chapter 52
Another fucking retelling of the sack of Jerusalem by the Babylonians. This was already in 2 Kings, one of the Chronicles, Isaiah, and probably a dozen other places I don't recall. If you aren't familiar with it by now, reading another summary won't help, so I'm not going to re-write it.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 46-49: Sing it now: Joy to the world
Chapter 46
There will be a war in the future between the Egyptians and the Babylonians. The Ethiopians, Libyans and Lydians will be involved. The swords will get drunk on the blood they spill. In the end, the Babylonians will win.
Chapter 47
God is coming for the Philistines' and the Ashkelonites' hair.
Chapter 48
God is going to make the Moabites vomit to death while the other nations laugh. He's going to do a lot of other stuff as well, but I think we're all familiar with the diatribe by now. However, he'll restore them in the end.
Chapter 49
God still isn't done. He has more death and destruction in store for the Ammonites and the Edomites and a bunch more cities and nations. And even though he's been dead for a long time and even though Ecclesiastes just told us the dead don't know anything, god is going to uncover his secret places and kill off all his children. He also brings up Sodom and Gomorrah. It's almost like these books were written independently at different times and only brought together later.
On the upside, the next entry will be the end of Jeremiah. But then it's only the 4 chapters of Lamentations before we get to Ezekiel.
There will be a war in the future between the Egyptians and the Babylonians. The Ethiopians, Libyans and Lydians will be involved. The swords will get drunk on the blood they spill. In the end, the Babylonians will win.
Chapter 47
God is coming for the Philistines' and the Ashkelonites' hair.
Chapter 48
God is going to make the Moabites vomit to death while the other nations laugh. He's going to do a lot of other stuff as well, but I think we're all familiar with the diatribe by now. However, he'll restore them in the end.
Chapter 49
God still isn't done. He has more death and destruction in store for the Ammonites and the Edomites and a bunch more cities and nations. And even though he's been dead for a long time and even though Ecclesiastes just told us the dead don't know anything, god is going to uncover his secret places and kill off all his children. He also brings up Sodom and Gomorrah. It's almost like these books were written independently at different times and only brought together later.
On the upside, the next entry will be the end of Jeremiah. But then it's only the 4 chapters of Lamentations before we get to Ezekiel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)