Matthias is a priest in Jerusalem and he has 5 sons. The middle one is called Judas, and nicknamed Maccabeus, which leads me to believe he might become important later. Anyway, Matthias laments all the sinning going on in Jerusalem and he and his sons put on sackcloth.
At the same time, the king's men arrive in a city called Modin and try to make the people there sacrifice. The people go to Matthias for help. The soldiers praise Matthias and co. and ask them to make the fist sacrifice. They promise if they do, the king will like them. But Matthias refuses. As he's speaking, a Jew comes up to the altar to make a sacrilegious sacrifice, which makes Matthias' kidneys tremble, so he kills the guy right there on the sanctuary, along with the king's commissioner. For good measure, he breaks the altar. Then he shouts so all can hear Whosoever is zealous of the law, and maintaineth the covenant, let him follow me. (v. 27). Then he and his sons flee into the mountains, and some of their followers head for the wilderness.
When the king's garrison in the city finds out what happened, they go looking for Matthias' party and surround them on the sabbath day. They promise that those who agree to come back and obey the king will be pardoned, but they won't come out because it's the sabbath. So the king's men attack, but the Jews refuse to fight back, and a thousand of them die.
Matthias' group hears about this and mourns, and they all agree that if they don't fight, they'll all die. So they decide to fight, even if it's the sabbath.
Now a group of Assideans, a sort of fighting yeshiva student, shows up, along with a bunch of other refugees. They slay the sinners and the wicked, but some get away and join the heathens. So Matthias and his new army go around pulling down the altars and circumcising children and avenging themselves on sinners.
They do this for awhile, long enough for Matthias to get old. As he's dying, he passes his crusade on to his sons and tells them the story of the Old Testament again. He appoints Judas Maccabeus as the leader, then dies at age 146.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 1: Choking on my ham sandwich
Alexander the Great, king of Macedonia and eventually Greece, killed Darius, king of the Persians, among others, and started a lot of wars and stole a lot of stuff and conquered a lot of territory. Then he gets sick and it looks like he's gonna die. So he calls up his slaves and divides his holdings up among them. Each of them puts a crown on his head and tries to pass it along to his son. You can imagine how well this works out. The very worst of them is called Antiochus Epiphanes, whose father was a hostage in Rome and then the king. One of them ruled in the year 137 of the Greek calendar.
At the same time, there are a lot of wicked people in Israel who want to make a treaty with the heathens surrounding them. Some of them go to their king, who grants them leave to make a treaty. So they build a palace of exercise (v. 14) in Jerusalem and uncircumcise themselves, which is somehow supposed to please the Greeks.
When Antiochus has occupied Israel, he decides his next conquest will be Egypt. The current Ptolemee flees, which makes victory easy. Six years later, Antiochus returns to Israel and steals all the stuff out of the temple. There's a list, even. Then he goes back to Greece and brags about all the killing he did.
This has a terrible effect on Israel, it makes the virgins feeble and turns the women ugly, which turns the grooms right off. The king lets things rest for a couple of years, but then sends his tax collectors to Jerusalem, but actually they sack the city and burn it and take all the women and children hostage, as well as the cows. Then they rebuild the city with new walls.
Antiochus writes to all of his conquered territories to say they should be one big happy family, and most of the nations sign up, including some Israelites, who stop sacrificing and start eating delicious, delicious bacon. They also fail to circumcise their kids. It helps that Antiochus sends another letter telling people that if they don't become Greek, they'll be executed.
Some of the Israelites flee into the mountains, but most of them set up idolatrous altars and start worshiping. They even burn their Torahs and make it illegal to have one. Eventually they get around to killing more people, this time including women who had their sons circumcised. The remaining Isrealites decide to give up the unclean food, thinking it's better to die than to eat a ham sandwich.
At the same time, there are a lot of wicked people in Israel who want to make a treaty with the heathens surrounding them. Some of them go to their king, who grants them leave to make a treaty. So they build a palace of exercise (v. 14) in Jerusalem and uncircumcise themselves, which is somehow supposed to please the Greeks.
When Antiochus has occupied Israel, he decides his next conquest will be Egypt. The current Ptolemee flees, which makes victory easy. Six years later, Antiochus returns to Israel and steals all the stuff out of the temple. There's a list, even. Then he goes back to Greece and brags about all the killing he did.
This has a terrible effect on Israel, it makes the virgins feeble and turns the women ugly, which turns the grooms right off. The king lets things rest for a couple of years, but then sends his tax collectors to Jerusalem, but actually they sack the city and burn it and take all the women and children hostage, as well as the cows. Then they rebuild the city with new walls.
Antiochus writes to all of his conquered territories to say they should be one big happy family, and most of the nations sign up, including some Israelites, who stop sacrificing and start eating delicious, delicious bacon. They also fail to circumcise their kids. It helps that Antiochus sends another letter telling people that if they don't become Greek, they'll be executed.
Some of the Israelites flee into the mountains, but most of them set up idolatrous altars and start worshiping. They even burn their Torahs and make it illegal to have one. Eventually they get around to killing more people, this time including women who had their sons circumcised. The remaining Isrealites decide to give up the unclean food, thinking it's better to die than to eat a ham sandwich.
Friday, January 23, 2015
The Prayer of Manasses
One chapter, one verse, half a page. This I can get behind. Manasses was the king of Juda and was taken to Babylon. Where he prays to god for forgiveness for all the things he did to end up kidnapped in another country. None of it is interesting enough to write about.
Monday, January 19, 2015
The History of the Destruction of Bel and the Dragon
I have always said the bible lacks enough good dragon stories. This one was also cut off from the end of Daniel, though it doesn't specify whether that was for not being in Hebrew or some other reason.
Anyway, we start off with Daniel and King Astyages of Persia having a conversation. We also learn that the Babylonians have a god named Bel, to whom they sacrifice 12 heaping portions of flour, 40 sheep, and 6 wine casks. The king also worships Bel, but Daniel has his own god. The main thrust of this conversation then is, why doesn't Daniel worship Bel? And of course Daniel has to be as obnoxious as possible and answer Because I may not worship idols made with hands, but the living god, who hath created the heaven and the earth, and hath sovereignty over all flesh (v. 5). Which of course immediately riles up the king, who asks if Daniel doesn't believe Bel is a living god, given how much he eats?
Somehow, Daniel manages to get even more obnoxious by smiling and replying that his host's god is just brass and clay and doesn't really eat. The king calls his chief priests over and tells them to figure out where all the flour, wheat and wine is going on pain of death, either theirs or Daniel's. I mean, I'm not in favour of the death penalty for blasphemy or anything, but I'm not sure how I feel about the death penalty for rude houseguests named Daniel. Of course, Daniel is not fazed by the idea of death.
We find out that there are seventy priests to Bel and they all have wives and children. They all go to the temple with the king and Daniel. The priests explain that they're going to go out, and the king should set out the holy meal, then leave and seal the door. In the morning, they'll know who is going to die. And of course the priests are confident because they have a door in the floor that they use to go in and eat every night.
So they king sets out the meal. While he's doing that, Daniel covers the floor in ashes. Then they leave. The priests come in with their families and eat their meal.
In the morning, Daniel and the king go back to the temple. Daniel agrees that the doors are still sealed. The king opens the door and shouts praise to Bel. But Daniel, continuing his campaign to be the worst guest in recorded history, laughs and asks whose footprints are in the ashes. The king notes that they are the prints of men, women and children, which proves nothing, but anyway, he goes to his priests, who confess to eating all the nightly food. And of course Astyages puts them and their wives and children to death. Then he gives the temple to Daniel, who destroys it.
The Babylonians also worship a dragon, because smart people will hedge their bets. The king asks Daniel if the dragon is also made of brass. Daniel says no again and offers to slay the dragon without any weapons. So Daniel makes an incendiary device (a weapon, no?) and puts it in the dragon's mouth. The dragon explodes and Daniel makes fun of the Babylonians and their false gods.
Now, needless to say the people start hearing about this indecorous foreigner who is apparently turning the king into a Jew and start feeling rebellious. They go to the king and demand Daniel or they'll overthrow him. And the king, being more of a politician than a theologian, hands him over. He's thrown into a den with seven hungry lions.
There is a certain prophet named Habbacuc who has made some soup and bread and is carrying it to the field to feed the threshers, but an angel visits him and tells him to take the food to Daniel instead. Habbacuc replies that he doesn't know where that particular lions' den is, so the angel picks him up by the hair and carries him there. He offers the dinner to Daniel, who eats it. A week later, the king comes down and finds Daniel safe and sound, so he throws the people in the den instead. Charming. I can see why people are so taken with this book.
Anyway, we start off with Daniel and King Astyages of Persia having a conversation. We also learn that the Babylonians have a god named Bel, to whom they sacrifice 12 heaping portions of flour, 40 sheep, and 6 wine casks. The king also worships Bel, but Daniel has his own god. The main thrust of this conversation then is, why doesn't Daniel worship Bel? And of course Daniel has to be as obnoxious as possible and answer Because I may not worship idols made with hands, but the living god, who hath created the heaven and the earth, and hath sovereignty over all flesh (v. 5). Which of course immediately riles up the king, who asks if Daniel doesn't believe Bel is a living god, given how much he eats?
Somehow, Daniel manages to get even more obnoxious by smiling and replying that his host's god is just brass and clay and doesn't really eat. The king calls his chief priests over and tells them to figure out where all the flour, wheat and wine is going on pain of death, either theirs or Daniel's. I mean, I'm not in favour of the death penalty for blasphemy or anything, but I'm not sure how I feel about the death penalty for rude houseguests named Daniel. Of course, Daniel is not fazed by the idea of death.
We find out that there are seventy priests to Bel and they all have wives and children. They all go to the temple with the king and Daniel. The priests explain that they're going to go out, and the king should set out the holy meal, then leave and seal the door. In the morning, they'll know who is going to die. And of course the priests are confident because they have a door in the floor that they use to go in and eat every night.
So they king sets out the meal. While he's doing that, Daniel covers the floor in ashes. Then they leave. The priests come in with their families and eat their meal.
In the morning, Daniel and the king go back to the temple. Daniel agrees that the doors are still sealed. The king opens the door and shouts praise to Bel. But Daniel, continuing his campaign to be the worst guest in recorded history, laughs and asks whose footprints are in the ashes. The king notes that they are the prints of men, women and children, which proves nothing, but anyway, he goes to his priests, who confess to eating all the nightly food. And of course Astyages puts them and their wives and children to death. Then he gives the temple to Daniel, who destroys it.
The Babylonians also worship a dragon, because smart people will hedge their bets. The king asks Daniel if the dragon is also made of brass. Daniel says no again and offers to slay the dragon without any weapons. So Daniel makes an incendiary device (a weapon, no?) and puts it in the dragon's mouth. The dragon explodes and Daniel makes fun of the Babylonians and their false gods.
Now, needless to say the people start hearing about this indecorous foreigner who is apparently turning the king into a Jew and start feeling rebellious. They go to the king and demand Daniel or they'll overthrow him. And the king, being more of a politician than a theologian, hands him over. He's thrown into a den with seven hungry lions.
There is a certain prophet named Habbacuc who has made some soup and bread and is carrying it to the field to feed the threshers, but an angel visits him and tells him to take the food to Daniel instead. Habbacuc replies that he doesn't know where that particular lions' den is, so the angel picks him up by the hair and carries him there. He offers the dinner to Daniel, who eats it. A week later, the king comes down and finds Daniel safe and sound, so he throws the people in the den instead. Charming. I can see why people are so taken with this book.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
The History of Susanna and threesomes
Another story that was rejected from the book of Daniel for not being in Hebrew. A rich Babylonian man named Joacim marries a pretty woman named Susanna whose parents had raised her as Jewish. The Jews like this Joacim because he deals fairly with them.
The same year as the wedding, two men are appointed as judges. They spend a lot of time hanging at Joacim's place with the rest of the court. One day, everyone but the judges leaves around noon, and Susanna takes a turn around the garden. The judges are inflamed by lust for this hot young Jewess, and they feel so ashamed they can't even admit it to each other. Still, they come back day after day for the show. Finally, one says to the other that they should go home for lunch, and the other agrees, but they both circle around and try to sneak back in. When they meet again at the gate, they both admit to being in love with Susanna. They agree on a time to tell her how much they love her together.
On the appointed day, Susanna comes out to the garden as usual, but this time it's hot and she wants to take a bath. The men hide and watch. She sends her maids out on some errand and the two horndogs approach and ask her for a threesome. They point out that there are no witnesses and if she doesn't agree, they'll tell everyone she has a lover. Susanna sighs that she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, but she'd really rather not have sex with a couple of olds, so she refuses. Everybody starts screaming and the slaves come running out and the old farts blab their false story about Susanna's fake lover.
The next day, some people are hanging out at Joacim's and the two troublemakers show up. They send for Susanna, who shows up with her entire clan, wearing a demure veil. They demand that she take off the veil, so she does, and she's so hot that everyone starts crying. The two old coots put their hands on her head and tell the baldfaced lie that they saw her with a lover the day before. No one asks why two perverts were hanging around in someone else's garden spying on his hot wife and her lover. Rather, they buy the story hook, line and sinker and condemn Susanna to death.
Susanna cries out to god, who actually listens, and sends down Daniel, who calls the crowd a bunch of assholes and points out the two codgers were lying. He separates them and asks them which tree the alleged assignation took place. And of course they say two different things, so the crowd cuts them in half. And Susanna's husband forgives her and they all lived happily ever after the servants cleaned the blood up.
The same year as the wedding, two men are appointed as judges. They spend a lot of time hanging at Joacim's place with the rest of the court. One day, everyone but the judges leaves around noon, and Susanna takes a turn around the garden. The judges are inflamed by lust for this hot young Jewess, and they feel so ashamed they can't even admit it to each other. Still, they come back day after day for the show. Finally, one says to the other that they should go home for lunch, and the other agrees, but they both circle around and try to sneak back in. When they meet again at the gate, they both admit to being in love with Susanna. They agree on a time to tell her how much they love her together.
On the appointed day, Susanna comes out to the garden as usual, but this time it's hot and she wants to take a bath. The men hide and watch. She sends her maids out on some errand and the two horndogs approach and ask her for a threesome. They point out that there are no witnesses and if she doesn't agree, they'll tell everyone she has a lover. Susanna sighs that she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, but she'd really rather not have sex with a couple of olds, so she refuses. Everybody starts screaming and the slaves come running out and the old farts blab their false story about Susanna's fake lover.
The next day, some people are hanging out at Joacim's and the two troublemakers show up. They send for Susanna, who shows up with her entire clan, wearing a demure veil. They demand that she take off the veil, so she does, and she's so hot that everyone starts crying. The two old coots put their hands on her head and tell the baldfaced lie that they saw her with a lover the day before. No one asks why two perverts were hanging around in someone else's garden spying on his hot wife and her lover. Rather, they buy the story hook, line and sinker and condemn Susanna to death.
Susanna cries out to god, who actually listens, and sends down Daniel, who calls the crowd a bunch of assholes and points out the two codgers were lying. He separates them and asks them which tree the alleged assignation took place. And of course they say two different things, so the crowd cuts them in half. And Susanna's husband forgives her and they all lived happily ever after the servants cleaned the blood up.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
The Song of the Three Holy Children: No dragons
Apparently this was a part of the book of Daniel, but got left out because it wasn't in Hebrew, which is too bad, because it opens with children walking through fire. This causes someone called Azarius, who is also in the middle of this fire, to stand up and start praying for forgiveness. That goes on for 20-odd verses we've heard before.
Then we get a bit more story:
A wicked king put 'them' (I assume the 3 kids, but who knows?) into an oven. Then he stoked the fire so high, it streamed forth above the furnace forty and nine cubits (v. 24). On its way up, it kills some Chaldeans. Alas, we do not hear the story of how Chaldeans came to be in the air above a furnace.
Anyway, an angel and Azarius arrive on the scene and cool down the centre of the fire. And do the three children use this space to make dragons? No, they do not. They immediately drop to their knees to say a prayer of thanks. And that's all we can say about this book, really.
Then we get a bit more story:
A wicked king put 'them' (I assume the 3 kids, but who knows?) into an oven. Then he stoked the fire so high, it streamed forth above the furnace forty and nine cubits (v. 24). On its way up, it kills some Chaldeans. Alas, we do not hear the story of how Chaldeans came to be in the air above a furnace.
Anyway, an angel and Azarius arrive on the scene and cool down the centre of the fire. And do the three children use this space to make dragons? No, they do not. They immediately drop to their knees to say a prayer of thanks. And that's all we can say about this book, really.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Baruch, Chapters 3-6: How to tell if your god is false
Chapter 3
The continuation of the prayer to god to release the Israelites from Babylon, as it's been a couple of generations now. We are told that there used to be giants, but they refused to receive any wisdom (read: preaching) and they all died. We also find out that farmers who practice animal husbandry have it.
Chapter 4
Jacob was given a book and told it contained the laws, and if people obeyed them, they would live forever, but if they ignored it, they'd all die. But then everyone started to ignore it and sacrifice to the devil, so they ended up enslaved in Babylon. And now the city of Jerusalem weeps for them and wears sackcloth. But no worries! God will free them and all the nations that laughed at the Israelites will be burnt and inhabited by devils.
Chapter 5
Eventually god will let the Israelites go back to Jerusalem, so Jerusalem should get ready to welcome them.
Chapter 6
Now we change tack and get a letter from someone called Jeremy. I can only hope it's less boring than the last 5 chapters, but this is the bible we're talking about.
Anyway, Jeremy sent the letter to the Israelites before they were taken hostage to warn and rebuke them. He also wanted to warn them that the Babylonians had their own gods, and they shouldn't join them in worship or be afraid of them. Rather, they should pray silently to this god.
They also shouldn't listen to the Babylonians, for all their pretty words, because they lie all the time. Other funny things the Babylonians do: make crowns for their gods and have corrupt priests who steal temple gold to pay for prostitutes. However, their idols get rusty and moth-eaten in their finery. Furthermore, their gods have weapons, but can't fight off death or war or thieves. Bit rich coming from the god that sold his people into slavery.
Anyway, the Babylonian gods are useless and the priests are so greedy even their wives won't give out salted bread to the poor. Even worse, menstruating women and those in labour eat the sacrifices. In fact, women are allowed to make offerings directly to these gods! In fact, even the Chaldeans dishonour them.
No, better to be a king or a jar or a door or a pillar of wood or a scarecrow or a dead body than to be a Babylonian god
The continuation of the prayer to god to release the Israelites from Babylon, as it's been a couple of generations now. We are told that there used to be giants, but they refused to receive any wisdom (read: preaching) and they all died. We also find out that farmers who practice animal husbandry have it.
Chapter 4
Jacob was given a book and told it contained the laws, and if people obeyed them, they would live forever, but if they ignored it, they'd all die. But then everyone started to ignore it and sacrifice to the devil, so they ended up enslaved in Babylon. And now the city of Jerusalem weeps for them and wears sackcloth. But no worries! God will free them and all the nations that laughed at the Israelites will be burnt and inhabited by devils.
Chapter 5
Eventually god will let the Israelites go back to Jerusalem, so Jerusalem should get ready to welcome them.
Chapter 6
Now we change tack and get a letter from someone called Jeremy. I can only hope it's less boring than the last 5 chapters, but this is the bible we're talking about.
Anyway, Jeremy sent the letter to the Israelites before they were taken hostage to warn and rebuke them. He also wanted to warn them that the Babylonians had their own gods, and they shouldn't join them in worship or be afraid of them. Rather, they should pray silently to this god.
They also shouldn't listen to the Babylonians, for all their pretty words, because they lie all the time. Other funny things the Babylonians do: make crowns for their gods and have corrupt priests who steal temple gold to pay for prostitutes. However, their idols get rusty and moth-eaten in their finery. Furthermore, their gods have weapons, but can't fight off death or war or thieves. Bit rich coming from the god that sold his people into slavery.
Anyway, the Babylonian gods are useless and the priests are so greedy even their wives won't give out salted bread to the poor. Even worse, menstruating women and those in labour eat the sacrifices. In fact, women are allowed to make offerings directly to these gods! In fact, even the Chaldeans dishonour them.
No, better to be a king or a jar or a door or a pillar of wood or a scarecrow or a dead body than to be a Babylonian god
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