A case of leprosy, followed by umpteen assassinations. No wonder nobody reads this book in its entirety.
Jeroboam (the same one? The third? Who knows). Is a good king, except he doesn't dismantle the altars to Baal. Is anybody surprised at this point? So god strikes him with leprosy. He has to go to a leper colony and his son takes over.
His son is worse than him, and is assassinated. Then his assassin takes over the throne. He lasts a full month before he's assassinated and his assassin takes over. Finally, someone named Menahem assassinates that king and also massacres a coastal town that refuses to let him have sea access.
Menahem is a Baal worshipper and not only that, when the Assyrian king, Pul, invades, he pays him tribute, so much that he taxes all the wealthy men fifty shekels to pay it, but at least he leaves. He dies a natural death after 10 years and his son takes over, only to be quickly dispatched by the captain of his guards, who takes over as king. Then the Assyrians attack again and captures him. During the chaos, someone assassinates him and takes over the throne.
Meanwhile, Jotham takes over in Israel. He's a sinner, but he dies a natural death. God, though, is getting tired of all this disobedience and sends the king of Syria in to invade.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 14
Snore. Another king, he worships Baal, he's assassinated, blah, blah, blah.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Monday, September 13, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 13
At the same time as Jehoash is ruling one part of Israel, another king, Jehoahaz rises up in Samaria. Jehoahaz is a Baal-worshipper and eventually god lets the Syrians invade as punishment. He finally begs the lord for mercy, so god sets them free again, but they STILL don't reform. God also takes away Jehoahaz's army.
When he dies his son, confusingly named Jehoash, takes over. This Jehoash is evil and the civil war between the two Israels continues.
Elisha is dying. One of the Jehoashes comes to him and asks him to end the civil war and get rid of the Syrians. Elisha tells him to get a bow and arrow, then shoot out the window. Apparently, that will cause the Syrians to go away. Or at least think you're bat-shit crazy. Then he tells him to hit an arrow on the ground. He does, three times. Elisha calls him an idiot and says if he'd hit the arrow on the ground 5 or 6 times, he'd have defeated the Syrians entirely, but now some of them are going to be left over. What are the chances that no matter how many times he hit the arrow, there'd still be Syrians at the end of the day? Then Elisha dies, and doesn't go to heaven on a whirlwind.
The Moabites invade. Oh, goody. I don't think we've seen them for awhile. At one point, they stop to bury a man. It just so happens that Elisha's bones are also in that spot. When his body hits Elisha's, he gets back up, right as rain. Would that make him a zombie?
Syria continues to cause trouble, but god hasn't given up on his chosen people. He lets Jehoash win three times against them. Scene!
When he dies his son, confusingly named Jehoash, takes over. This Jehoash is evil and the civil war between the two Israels continues.
Elisha is dying. One of the Jehoashes comes to him and asks him to end the civil war and get rid of the Syrians. Elisha tells him to get a bow and arrow, then shoot out the window. Apparently, that will cause the Syrians to go away. Or at least think you're bat-shit crazy. Then he tells him to hit an arrow on the ground. He does, three times. Elisha calls him an idiot and says if he'd hit the arrow on the ground 5 or 6 times, he'd have defeated the Syrians entirely, but now some of them are going to be left over. What are the chances that no matter how many times he hit the arrow, there'd still be Syrians at the end of the day? Then Elisha dies, and doesn't go to heaven on a whirlwind.
The Moabites invade. Oh, goody. I don't think we've seen them for awhile. At one point, they stop to bury a man. It just so happens that Elisha's bones are also in that spot. When his body hits Elisha's, he gets back up, right as rain. Would that make him a zombie?
Syria continues to cause trouble, but god hasn't given up on his chosen people. He lets Jehoash win three times against them. Scene!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 12
The story of Jehoash's reign.
Jehoash is a good, righteous king, but those temples to Baal, they still haven't been shut down, despite the massacres, famines, plagues, fires and wars. Jehoash's solution is to throw money at god: he instructs his priests use all the taxes and tithing money to repair the temple. Of course they don't do it though it takes him until year 23 of his 40-year reign to notice. He asks them why. Duh, the construction industry is full of graft, even how ever long ago this is supposed to be.
So Jeohash invents the collection box. He instructs his priests to drill a hole in the lid of the chest and place it by the altar. The priests have cleaned up their act, and they give the money to the builders. Not one cent of it goes towards increasing the temple treasury. They do, however, continue to keep the sin money.
Then, in a typically biblical transition, that is to say, one verse is about how the temple repair fund is directly followed, apropos of nothing, by a chapter about the king of Syria invading again. He takes over the town of Gath. Jehoash stupidly takes all of his treasury and sends it to Hazael as a tribute. For that, his servants kill him and install his son Amaziah in his place.
Jehoash is a good, righteous king, but those temples to Baal, they still haven't been shut down, despite the massacres, famines, plagues, fires and wars. Jehoash's solution is to throw money at god: he instructs his priests use all the taxes and tithing money to repair the temple. Of course they don't do it though it takes him until year 23 of his 40-year reign to notice. He asks them why. Duh, the construction industry is full of graft, even how ever long ago this is supposed to be.
So Jeohash invents the collection box. He instructs his priests to drill a hole in the lid of the chest and place it by the altar. The priests have cleaned up their act, and they give the money to the builders. Not one cent of it goes towards increasing the temple treasury. They do, however, continue to keep the sin money.
Then, in a typically biblical transition, that is to say, one verse is about how the temple repair fund is directly followed, apropos of nothing, by a chapter about the king of Syria invading again. He takes over the town of Gath. Jehoash stupidly takes all of his treasury and sends it to Hazael as a tribute. For that, his servants kill him and install his son Amaziah in his place.
Monday, September 6, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 11
Incredibly, the women in these books are worse than the men.
Take Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, who, on hearing her son is dead, sets about killing all his remaining family members and declares herself queen. Her sister, Jehosheba, manages to spirit Ahaziah's son Joash into a bedchamber and hide him from his murderous grandmother for six years.
In the seventh year of Athaliah's reign, the priest Jehoiada brings together all the spiritual and military leaders in the temple and makes a covenant with them, then shows them Joash. He instructs the soldiers to divide into three groups and watch all the entrances to the house. Anyone who approaches with weapons is to be killed. Then they crown the boy. Their clapping attracts Athaliah's attention. She comes into the temple, sees the boy in a crown, and cries out Treason, Treason (v. 14) Jehoaida orders her taken out by the horses' entrance and run through with a sword.
Then they go again to the temple of Baal and tear it down again and kill the priest again. Then they take the boy to the palace and kill his grandmother again for good measure.
Take Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, who, on hearing her son is dead, sets about killing all his remaining family members and declares herself queen. Her sister, Jehosheba, manages to spirit Ahaziah's son Joash into a bedchamber and hide him from his murderous grandmother for six years.
In the seventh year of Athaliah's reign, the priest Jehoiada brings together all the spiritual and military leaders in the temple and makes a covenant with them, then shows them Joash. He instructs the soldiers to divide into three groups and watch all the entrances to the house. Anyone who approaches with weapons is to be killed. Then they crown the boy. Their clapping attracts Athaliah's attention. She comes into the temple, sees the boy in a crown, and cries out Treason, Treason (v. 14) Jehoaida orders her taken out by the horses' entrance and run through with a sword.
Then they go again to the temple of Baal and tear it down again and kill the priest again. Then they take the boy to the palace and kill his grandmother again for good measure.
2 Kings, Chapter 10
It's a wonder people were still competing for the throne.
Jehu sends letters to the elders and caretakers of Ahab's 70 sons, announcing his plan to come and fight them one by one. The caretakers are afraid because he's already killed two kings. They decide to surrender and write back to that effect. Jehu writes back that the condition of surrender is that they have to bring him the heads of Ahab's sons. So they do, and send their heads in baskets.
When his presents arrive, Jehu instructs his servant to make two piles of heads. In the morning, he shows his people the heads and points out that you can't trust anybody. Then he announces that from now on, they're going to live a righteous life now that they've fulfilled god's instructions to Elisha. Then he kills all the rest of Ahab's family, friends, priests, dogwalkers and ice-cream truck delivery drivers. Then he goes home to Samaria.
On his way, he stops in a shearing house, where some of Ahazia's relatives are working. He asks who they are and they introduce themselves. Then he instructs his servants to kill all 42 of them. For those of you keeping count, that's 70 severed heads and 42 slain sheep shearers in just 14 verses.
As he's leaving, he meets someone called Jehonadab and asks him Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? (v. 15) Jehonadab says it is and Jehu invites him into the chariot so he can see his zeal for the LORD (v. 16) What does that zeal consist of? Killing more members of the house of Ahab.
Then he goes to his people and says he's now a Baal worshipper. He tells them to gather all the other followers together so they can be pagans together, but really his intent is to kill some more. He gathers them all together in a temple, then instructs his servants to give them all clothes. He then pretends to make a burnt sacrifice, and orders his guards to slaughter all the people in the temple, on pain of death should any escape. Then they tear down the temple and turn it into a toilet. For some reason, he keeps the golden calves which turned people away in the first place.
For all his effort, god promises four generations of rule by his sons. However, Jehu is no better than his predecessors at keeping to god's commandments, so god starts taking away their territory, allowing Hazeal to attack them from all sides. Jehu rules for 28 years.
Jehu sends letters to the elders and caretakers of Ahab's 70 sons, announcing his plan to come and fight them one by one. The caretakers are afraid because he's already killed two kings. They decide to surrender and write back to that effect. Jehu writes back that the condition of surrender is that they have to bring him the heads of Ahab's sons. So they do, and send their heads in baskets.
When his presents arrive, Jehu instructs his servant to make two piles of heads. In the morning, he shows his people the heads and points out that you can't trust anybody. Then he announces that from now on, they're going to live a righteous life now that they've fulfilled god's instructions to Elisha. Then he kills all the rest of Ahab's family, friends, priests, dogwalkers and ice-cream truck delivery drivers. Then he goes home to Samaria.
On his way, he stops in a shearing house, where some of Ahazia's relatives are working. He asks who they are and they introduce themselves. Then he instructs his servants to kill all 42 of them. For those of you keeping count, that's 70 severed heads and 42 slain sheep shearers in just 14 verses.
As he's leaving, he meets someone called Jehonadab and asks him Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? (v. 15) Jehonadab says it is and Jehu invites him into the chariot so he can see his zeal for the LORD (v. 16) What does that zeal consist of? Killing more members of the house of Ahab.
Then he goes to his people and says he's now a Baal worshipper. He tells them to gather all the other followers together so they can be pagans together, but really his intent is to kill some more. He gathers them all together in a temple, then instructs his servants to give them all clothes. He then pretends to make a burnt sacrifice, and orders his guards to slaughter all the people in the temple, on pain of death should any escape. Then they tear down the temple and turn it into a toilet. For some reason, he keeps the golden calves which turned people away in the first place.
For all his effort, god promises four generations of rule by his sons. However, Jehu is no better than his predecessors at keeping to god's commandments, so god starts taking away their territory, allowing Hazeal to attack them from all sides. Jehu rules for 28 years.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 9
More soap-opera tactics by the kings and Elisha.
Elisha tells one of his servants to find Jehu, son of Jehosephat, in Ramothgilead and annoint him king of Israel, then run away. So he goes, and annoints him, and instructs him to kill Ahab's entire family, especially Jezebel. Jehu leaves the room and his guards ask what the mad man wanted, proving that Punk'd is not as original as we all think. Eventually he convinces them and they run upstairs to blow trumpets announcing Jehu is king.
His first act as king is to conspire to overthrow Joram, who is in Jezreel recovering from his injuries suffered in battle with the king of Syria. He goes to Jezreel by chariot, where Ahaziah, king of Judah, is visiting Joram. A watchman spots Jehu's approach and Joram tells him to ask if Jehu's coming in peace. Jehu says he isn't an instructs him to fall in behind him. The watchman reports the messenger didn't come back. So Joram sends another, who also fails to return. We also find out that Jehu is the original crazy driver for he driveth furiously (v. 20)
Joram rather stupidly decides to go out and meet Jehu himself, so he and Ahaziah approach in their own chariots to ask if it's peace. Clearly not, you fool. Jehu responds with the ultimate yo' mama insult What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many? (v. 22) Joram, not swift with the comeback, doesn't know what to do, and whines to Ahaziah. Fortunately, Jehu kills him with an arrow to the chest. Jehu instructs his followers to cast the body into the fields.
Ahahziah, also slow on the uptake, finally flees. Jehu sends his mionions after him, and they manage to injure him severely enough that he dies later at Megiddo. He at least gets a state funeral in Jerusalem.
Jehu next turns his sights on Jezebel, who puts her make-up on - war paint, see - does her hair, and waits in the window. Jehu arrives and calls out from below Who is on my side? who? (v. 32) Two of her eunuchs throw her out the window. He tramples her with his horses, then goes inside for lunch. He then tells his servants to bury her, but when they go outside, they only find her skull, hands and feet, the dogs having eaten the rest, which, you will recall, god promised to do, in a heartening example of the biblical treatment of women.
Elisha tells one of his servants to find Jehu, son of Jehosephat, in Ramothgilead and annoint him king of Israel, then run away. So he goes, and annoints him, and instructs him to kill Ahab's entire family, especially Jezebel. Jehu leaves the room and his guards ask what the mad man wanted, proving that Punk'd is not as original as we all think. Eventually he convinces them and they run upstairs to blow trumpets announcing Jehu is king.
His first act as king is to conspire to overthrow Joram, who is in Jezreel recovering from his injuries suffered in battle with the king of Syria. He goes to Jezreel by chariot, where Ahaziah, king of Judah, is visiting Joram. A watchman spots Jehu's approach and Joram tells him to ask if Jehu's coming in peace. Jehu says he isn't an instructs him to fall in behind him. The watchman reports the messenger didn't come back. So Joram sends another, who also fails to return. We also find out that Jehu is the original crazy driver for he driveth furiously (v. 20)
Joram rather stupidly decides to go out and meet Jehu himself, so he and Ahaziah approach in their own chariots to ask if it's peace. Clearly not, you fool. Jehu responds with the ultimate yo' mama insult What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many? (v. 22) Joram, not swift with the comeback, doesn't know what to do, and whines to Ahaziah. Fortunately, Jehu kills him with an arrow to the chest. Jehu instructs his followers to cast the body into the fields.
Ahahziah, also slow on the uptake, finally flees. Jehu sends his mionions after him, and they manage to injure him severely enough that he dies later at Megiddo. He at least gets a state funeral in Jerusalem.
Jehu next turns his sights on Jezebel, who puts her make-up on - war paint, see - does her hair, and waits in the window. Jehu arrives and calls out from below Who is on my side? who? (v. 32) Two of her eunuchs throw her out the window. He tramples her with his horses, then goes inside for lunch. He then tells his servants to bury her, but when they go outside, they only find her skull, hands and feet, the dogs having eaten the rest, which, you will recall, god promised to do, in a heartening example of the biblical treatment of women.
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