The tribe of Ephraim is annoyed that Jephthah didn't include him in the slaughter of the Ammonites, and threatens to burn his house down. Well, that's convincing! Jephthah answers that he did call for them, but they didn't help, so he asked for, and received, assistance from god.
These taunts and insults lead to a war. The Gileadites take control of a bridge over the river Jordan and set up a checkpoint. Anyone wanting to cross is asked to say the word 'Shibboleth', but the Ephraimites can't say the 'sh' sound, so they say 'Sibboleth,' which is how we got that word. Anyone who mispronounces it is put to death. 42 000 Ephraimites die that way. I guess Hooked on Phonics didn't work for them. The Dutch famously used this technique in WWII as a way of finding out German spies. They used the word 'Scheveningen' as a password, because it's hard for non-Dutch speakers to say correctly.
Jephthah dies after 6 years, and then a series of unremarkable Judges rules. We hear a lot about how many sons they had, and how many asses, but nothing in the way of real accomplishments. But never fear, Samson is up tomorrow to render this book exciting again!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Judges, Chapter 11
In any other book of the bible, this would be the most fucked-up chapter, but coming as it does in Judges, it's a distant second to chapter 19, which we will get to later this month.
Jephthah is the son of a harlot and a rich man of Gilead. When his father dies, his half-brothers cast him out and he seeks his fortune as a mercenary in Tob. As can be expected in any fairy tale, the Ammonites attack, and the elders of Gilead come to beg him to lead their army. He agrees, on the condition that he be made the political and military leader if he succeeds.
Jephthah's first act as president is to write to the Ammonite leader and ask why he's declared war against the Israelites. The Ammonite king makes the fair point that the Israelites are occupying his land. Jephthah writes back peevishly about all the kings that denied his people passage when they escaped from Egypt, until Sihon, where god finally gave them a victory in battle. He points out that both sides of this battle occupy land that their gods gave them, and the Israelites have been there for 300 years now, yet they've made no effort to recover it until now. Because he thinks this is a transcript, Jerry points to this passage as evidence of an early Exodus. I wish I had remembered this old but brilliant send-up of Mike Huckabee when I was covering Genesis, but it still seems apt here, too.
Anyway, the Ammonites ignore Jephthah and attack. Jephthah is seized by the spirit of the lord and makes a vow to god that If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, / Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. (v. 30-31)
Now, I started this project because so much of Western literature derives its sources from the bible. I haven't actually seen any parallels with the books I've read since Genesis, but finally this chapter has one, albeit with fairy tales.
Now a cynic, like some of the scholars cited in The Harlot by the Side of the Road, might think that Jephthah knows his daughter will be the first thing to come out of the house, and he reckons it'll be cheaper to do away with her than to part with a goat or cow. A less-cynical person might just think that this story is just an archetype, and his daughter comes out because that's what happens in a fairy tale.
Needless to say, Jephthah wins and returns home. Of course, the only person outside to greet him is his only child, a daughter, who is singing and playing music. He sees her and laments his vow, but she says he has to do whatever he promised, because he won. And this again is something one recognizes from hundreds of plotlines: it's easier to be the one who dies for the sake of many than to be the one who has to kill the one who dies for the sake of many.
She only asks him for two months to go up to the mountains to bewail her virginity with her friends. Again, Harlot has a few ideas as to what this might mean: she's part of a fertility cult, she's going up to have a two-month-long lesbian orgy, or she went around to the various rabbinical courts trying to get the vow annulled but never finds a loophole. Whatever she's doing up there, she comes back at the appointed time and it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. (v. 39).
Jerry Falwell, great advocate of just reading the words and not interpreting them, interprets this verse to mean only that the daughter never married, because the whole point of taking over Canaan and doing away with the Canaanites was that they practiced child sacrifice. Plus, letting a dude kill and burn his own daughter as a tribute would be pretty fucking evil, and Jerry's god is both wholly good and wholly powerful, as this book has proven so well up until now. It would work if only we didn't also have the text of that original pesky vow, which seems pretty clear. So yeah, god is pretty fucking evil.
The very last verse informs us that the women of Israel have a 4-day mourning period for Jephthah's daughter every year.
Jephthah is the son of a harlot and a rich man of Gilead. When his father dies, his half-brothers cast him out and he seeks his fortune as a mercenary in Tob. As can be expected in any fairy tale, the Ammonites attack, and the elders of Gilead come to beg him to lead their army. He agrees, on the condition that he be made the political and military leader if he succeeds.
Jephthah's first act as president is to write to the Ammonite leader and ask why he's declared war against the Israelites. The Ammonite king makes the fair point that the Israelites are occupying his land. Jephthah writes back peevishly about all the kings that denied his people passage when they escaped from Egypt, until Sihon, where god finally gave them a victory in battle. He points out that both sides of this battle occupy land that their gods gave them, and the Israelites have been there for 300 years now, yet they've made no effort to recover it until now. Because he thinks this is a transcript, Jerry points to this passage as evidence of an early Exodus. I wish I had remembered this old but brilliant send-up of Mike Huckabee when I was covering Genesis, but it still seems apt here, too.
Anyway, the Ammonites ignore Jephthah and attack. Jephthah is seized by the spirit of the lord and makes a vow to god that If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, / Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. (v. 30-31)
Now, I started this project because so much of Western literature derives its sources from the bible. I haven't actually seen any parallels with the books I've read since Genesis, but finally this chapter has one, albeit with fairy tales.
Now a cynic, like some of the scholars cited in The Harlot by the Side of the Road, might think that Jephthah knows his daughter will be the first thing to come out of the house, and he reckons it'll be cheaper to do away with her than to part with a goat or cow. A less-cynical person might just think that this story is just an archetype, and his daughter comes out because that's what happens in a fairy tale.
Needless to say, Jephthah wins and returns home. Of course, the only person outside to greet him is his only child, a daughter, who is singing and playing music. He sees her and laments his vow, but she says he has to do whatever he promised, because he won. And this again is something one recognizes from hundreds of plotlines: it's easier to be the one who dies for the sake of many than to be the one who has to kill the one who dies for the sake of many.
She only asks him for two months to go up to the mountains to bewail her virginity with her friends. Again, Harlot has a few ideas as to what this might mean: she's part of a fertility cult, she's going up to have a two-month-long lesbian orgy, or she went around to the various rabbinical courts trying to get the vow annulled but never finds a loophole. Whatever she's doing up there, she comes back at the appointed time and it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. (v. 39).
Jerry Falwell, great advocate of just reading the words and not interpreting them, interprets this verse to mean only that the daughter never married, because the whole point of taking over Canaan and doing away with the Canaanites was that they practiced child sacrifice. Plus, letting a dude kill and burn his own daughter as a tribute would be pretty fucking evil, and Jerry's god is both wholly good and wholly powerful, as this book has proven so well up until now. It would work if only we didn't also have the text of that original pesky vow, which seems pretty clear. So yeah, god is pretty fucking evil.
The very last verse informs us that the women of Israel have a 4-day mourning period for Jephthah's daughter every year.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Judges, Chapters 9 & 10
Chapter 9
Remember how Gideon had 70 sons? This is how 69 of them die.
Abimelech, who gets a brief mention in Chapter 8, goes to his mother's family in Shechem, the same town that god massacred by Simeon and Levi in Genesis after the prince raped their sister. He convinces them that he should be ruler, then goes home and kills all his brothers upon one stone (v. 5) save the youngest, Jotham, who hides. The men of Shechem appoint Abimelech king.
Jotham goes up a mountain and tells a parable about a grove of trees who try to elect a leader. The olive, fig and vine all have excuses, and finally the bramble accepts the task, and the point is neither of these is a good idea.
Jotham then flees and Abimelech reigns for three troubled years. God sends an evil spirit to stir shit up. Satan? Eventually, some of his soldiers rebel against him. Abimelech gets wind of the plot and attacks the city they're hiding in. The rebels come out to defend and Abimelech pursues them to the city gate. The next day, people come out to tend their fields and he attacks them, too. He attacks the city walls all day long, eventually breaching them and slaughtering all those inside. Then he salts the earth. The pople take refuge in a tower, and he sets fire to the bottom.
He moves on to another city, and people again take refuge in a tower. Abimelech gets too close to the base and a woman drops a millstone on his head. Not wanting to be killed by a woman, he begs one of his captains to kill him instead. The captain obliges.
I have to say, this book just warms the cockles of my heart.
Chapter 10
Two unremarkable judges, Tola and Jair come and go. Jair has 30 sons on 30 asses. When they die, the Israelites sin again and are sold to the Philistines for 18 years. They ask god for help, but he refuses. They go back to worshipping him, and eventually he feels sorry for them. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger, with the Israelites camped across from some Amorites, who wonder who the next leader will be. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but tune in tomorrow.
Remember how Gideon had 70 sons? This is how 69 of them die.
Abimelech, who gets a brief mention in Chapter 8, goes to his mother's family in Shechem, the same town that god massacred by Simeon and Levi in Genesis after the prince raped their sister. He convinces them that he should be ruler, then goes home and kills all his brothers upon one stone (v. 5) save the youngest, Jotham, who hides. The men of Shechem appoint Abimelech king.
Jotham goes up a mountain and tells a parable about a grove of trees who try to elect a leader. The olive, fig and vine all have excuses, and finally the bramble accepts the task, and the point is neither of these is a good idea.
Jotham then flees and Abimelech reigns for three troubled years. God sends an evil spirit to stir shit up. Satan? Eventually, some of his soldiers rebel against him. Abimelech gets wind of the plot and attacks the city they're hiding in. The rebels come out to defend and Abimelech pursues them to the city gate. The next day, people come out to tend their fields and he attacks them, too. He attacks the city walls all day long, eventually breaching them and slaughtering all those inside. Then he salts the earth. The pople take refuge in a tower, and he sets fire to the bottom.
He moves on to another city, and people again take refuge in a tower. Abimelech gets too close to the base and a woman drops a millstone on his head. Not wanting to be killed by a woman, he begs one of his captains to kill him instead. The captain obliges.
I have to say, this book just warms the cockles of my heart.
Chapter 10
Two unremarkable judges, Tola and Jair come and go. Jair has 30 sons on 30 asses. When they die, the Israelites sin again and are sold to the Philistines for 18 years. They ask god for help, but he refuses. They go back to worshipping him, and eventually he feels sorry for them. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger, with the Israelites camped across from some Amorites, who wonder who the next leader will be. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but tune in tomorrow.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Judges, Chapters 6-8
The story of Gideon, as in the bibles. I wonder if the people who publish those have actually read this book?
Chapter 6
The Israelites sin again and are enslaved by the Midianites. Never mind that Moses killed all of them except the virgins what? A couple hundred years ago? Now they're breeding like grasshoppers (v. 5). The Israelites beg god to free them, so god sends an angel down to Gideon with a message. Gideon is skeptical, asking why this supposedly miraculous god has forsaken them. God then appears and tells him to free his people. Gideon is still skeptical, saying his tribe is the poorest of all, and he's the poorest of his tribe. God promises his assistance, but Gideon wants a sign now. He asks god to wait while he prepares a sacrifice of a goat and some bread. The angel tells him to put it on a rock, then touches the rock with his staff. This convinces Gideon.
God's next instruction is to vandalize his neighbors' altars to Baal and build his own altars to god. Gideon is afraid to do it in daylight, so he goes out at night. In the morning, they find the altar and the remains of the sacrificed bullock and are pissed off about not being invited to the barbecue. They ask around and figure out who is responsible, and demand his head. Gideon's father Joash defends him and warns them that if they fight for Baal, they won't live. Joash then renames him Jerubaal.
The Midianites and Amakelites gather an army together at Jezreel. Gideon blows a trumpet and his men gather. Then he asks god for more signs. He puts a piece of wool on the ground and asks god to make it wet without dampening the ground. God does, but Gideon wants one more sign. He asks god to make the ground wet and the fleece dry. What would Jonathan Creek make of that?
Chapter 7
Despite being enslaved, the Israelites have managed to raise and equip a massive army of 32 000, about the size of a small-ish country like Canada's today. So big, in fact, that god worries they'll think they saved themselves without any help from him. So Gideon tells them that anyone who's afraid can just go home. 22 000 do. But 10 000 is still too many for god, so he tells Gideon to take them to the river for a drink and he'll sort them out there. Most of the men scoop up the water in their hands, as you logically would if drinking out of a stream. Actually, in those times you'd have been better to seek out the wine. Better drunk than riddled with dysentery. But god wants the men who lap the water like dogs, who number 300.
Those 300 men get food and trumpets, the rest go home. One night, god tells Gideon to get ready, because they're going to attack. Gideon goes down to the Midianite camp on a recon mission. He overhears one soldier telling another about a dream he had where a barley cake smites a tent. His friend thinks it's a sign Gideon is going to win. Gideon goes back to his men and says it's time to attack. He divides the men into three companies, each with a trumpet and an oil lamp. He instructs them to surround the camp and on his signal, to attack, shouting The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. (v. 18). When they blow their trumpets, god causes the Midianites to attack each other. Some flee, and Gideon sends word to pursue and kill them. Two princes are captured and their heads sent to him.
Chapter 8
The men of Ephraim don't feel they got enough action in the whole Midianite massacre, but Gideon points out they killed two princes, and that placates them.
He then takes his army in pursuit of two Midianite kings. They come to the village of Succoth, where they ask for food, but are refused. Gideon vows to take revenge with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers. (v. 7). The people of Penuel likewise refuse him and he vows to tear down their tower.
Gideon eventually finds the two kings and their 120 000 men, slightly smaller than the current French army. He goes back towards Succoth and captures a young man from the village, who describes the leaders and elders. He brings the two kings into the town square and shows them to the people, then proceeds to beat the leaders to death with the promised thorns and briers. Then he goes to Penuel and tears down the tower and massacres the men of the town.
Gideon asks the kings who they killed at Tabor, and figures out they killed his brothers. He tells them regretfully that if they had spared his family, he could spare them, but as it is, he calls on his oldest son to kill them. The boy refuses. The kings taunt him, so Gideon kills them and takes the decorations off their camels. Father of the year, that one.
The people of Israel invite Gideon to be their king, but he says that's god's job. He does ask them to each give them an earring from their plunder. He casts the gold into an ephod, some kind of object of worship.
There is peace for 40 years, during which time Gideon manages to father an impressive 70 sons, not unlike a Saudi prince today. Only one is named, Abimelech of Shechem. Gideon dies eventually, and the people go back to worshipping Baal and stop paying tribute to Gideon's family.
Chapter 6
The Israelites sin again and are enslaved by the Midianites. Never mind that Moses killed all of them except the virgins what? A couple hundred years ago? Now they're breeding like grasshoppers (v. 5). The Israelites beg god to free them, so god sends an angel down to Gideon with a message. Gideon is skeptical, asking why this supposedly miraculous god has forsaken them. God then appears and tells him to free his people. Gideon is still skeptical, saying his tribe is the poorest of all, and he's the poorest of his tribe. God promises his assistance, but Gideon wants a sign now. He asks god to wait while he prepares a sacrifice of a goat and some bread. The angel tells him to put it on a rock, then touches the rock with his staff. This convinces Gideon.
God's next instruction is to vandalize his neighbors' altars to Baal and build his own altars to god. Gideon is afraid to do it in daylight, so he goes out at night. In the morning, they find the altar and the remains of the sacrificed bullock and are pissed off about not being invited to the barbecue. They ask around and figure out who is responsible, and demand his head. Gideon's father Joash defends him and warns them that if they fight for Baal, they won't live. Joash then renames him Jerubaal.
The Midianites and Amakelites gather an army together at Jezreel. Gideon blows a trumpet and his men gather. Then he asks god for more signs. He puts a piece of wool on the ground and asks god to make it wet without dampening the ground. God does, but Gideon wants one more sign. He asks god to make the ground wet and the fleece dry. What would Jonathan Creek make of that?
Chapter 7
Despite being enslaved, the Israelites have managed to raise and equip a massive army of 32 000, about the size of a small-ish country like Canada's today. So big, in fact, that god worries they'll think they saved themselves without any help from him. So Gideon tells them that anyone who's afraid can just go home. 22 000 do. But 10 000 is still too many for god, so he tells Gideon to take them to the river for a drink and he'll sort them out there. Most of the men scoop up the water in their hands, as you logically would if drinking out of a stream. Actually, in those times you'd have been better to seek out the wine. Better drunk than riddled with dysentery. But god wants the men who lap the water like dogs, who number 300.
Those 300 men get food and trumpets, the rest go home. One night, god tells Gideon to get ready, because they're going to attack. Gideon goes down to the Midianite camp on a recon mission. He overhears one soldier telling another about a dream he had where a barley cake smites a tent. His friend thinks it's a sign Gideon is going to win. Gideon goes back to his men and says it's time to attack. He divides the men into three companies, each with a trumpet and an oil lamp. He instructs them to surround the camp and on his signal, to attack, shouting The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. (v. 18). When they blow their trumpets, god causes the Midianites to attack each other. Some flee, and Gideon sends word to pursue and kill them. Two princes are captured and their heads sent to him.
Chapter 8
The men of Ephraim don't feel they got enough action in the whole Midianite massacre, but Gideon points out they killed two princes, and that placates them.
He then takes his army in pursuit of two Midianite kings. They come to the village of Succoth, where they ask for food, but are refused. Gideon vows to take revenge with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers. (v. 7). The people of Penuel likewise refuse him and he vows to tear down their tower.
Gideon eventually finds the two kings and their 120 000 men, slightly smaller than the current French army. He goes back towards Succoth and captures a young man from the village, who describes the leaders and elders. He brings the two kings into the town square and shows them to the people, then proceeds to beat the leaders to death with the promised thorns and briers. Then he goes to Penuel and tears down the tower and massacres the men of the town.
Gideon asks the kings who they killed at Tabor, and figures out they killed his brothers. He tells them regretfully that if they had spared his family, he could spare them, but as it is, he calls on his oldest son to kill them. The boy refuses. The kings taunt him, so Gideon kills them and takes the decorations off their camels. Father of the year, that one.
The people of Israel invite Gideon to be their king, but he says that's god's job. He does ask them to each give them an earring from their plunder. He casts the gold into an ephod, some kind of object of worship.
There is peace for 40 years, during which time Gideon manages to father an impressive 70 sons, not unlike a Saudi prince today. Only one is named, Abimelech of Shechem. Gideon dies eventually, and the people go back to worshipping Baal and stop paying tribute to Gideon's family.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Judges, Chapters 4 & 5
This little story, of Deborah, the only female Judge, and Jael, the dominatrix who's handy with a tent peg, was so popular among the ancient Israelites that they wrote it down twice, once in prose, once in what is probably the original poetry.
Chapter 4
The prose version. God gets angry with the Israelites following the death of Ehud. He enslaves them to the Canaanite king Jabin, who lives in Hazor. His general is Sisera, who has 900 iron chariots that he uses to oppress the Israelites. So this is like, a hundred years they've been watching their enemies' iron chariots defeat them, and they've never once thought to make them themselves?
Anyway, Deborah is a prophetess and the only female Judge, and she calls on one of her generals, Barak, and tells him to raise an army of 10 000 to defeat Sisera. Barak the 'fraidy cat refuses to go unless Deborah comes, too. Deborah, disgusted, tells him fine, she'll go, but a woman is going to defeat Sisera. So they go together to raise their army.
Now we go over to a Kenite man who has pitched his tent near the battlefield. That's all, back to the armies. God finally gets the better of the iron chariots, but Sisera gets away on foot. The rest of his army is slaughtered.
Sisera manages to escape and comes to the Kenite man's tent. Jael comes out and invites him inside, where she covers him with a blanket. He asks for water, but instead she gives him milk, which may or may not be breast milk. They may or may not have sex then, and he goes to sleep, asking her to stand guard. As soon as he's asleep, she takes a tent peg and hammer and nails him through the head with it. Or possibly through the scrotum. Or possibly through another orifice. It's not clear.
Barak comes along and Jael shows him her handiwork. The army kills the rest of Jabin's people.
For those wondering, yes the Christian right has picked up on the similarities between the Barak in the story and the US president. Alas, they do not consider Deborah to be Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin, but as generic 'messengers of god', most particularly Rick Warren. Everybody else, of course, is an agent of Baal.
Chapter 5
Chapter 5 is a rehash of the last chapter, written as a song sung by Deborah and Barak in praise of Jael. I like to hum 'Camptown Ladies' while reading it. We do get a few extra details, Jael is now to be praised above all women, unseating a certain blue-robed someone Catholics are so fond of, who is only blessed among women.
We also find out that Sisera's mother looked out the window for her son, and her ladies-in-waiting reckon he's tarrying in the fields with the Israelite women before ripping off their gowns to bring them home. Happy Mothers' Day, mom! Here, have this dress from the woman I raped last night. Sorry it's a bit bloody.
Anyway, Israel was then at peace for 40 years.
Chapter 4
The prose version. God gets angry with the Israelites following the death of Ehud. He enslaves them to the Canaanite king Jabin, who lives in Hazor. His general is Sisera, who has 900 iron chariots that he uses to oppress the Israelites. So this is like, a hundred years they've been watching their enemies' iron chariots defeat them, and they've never once thought to make them themselves?
Anyway, Deborah is a prophetess and the only female Judge, and she calls on one of her generals, Barak, and tells him to raise an army of 10 000 to defeat Sisera. Barak the 'fraidy cat refuses to go unless Deborah comes, too. Deborah, disgusted, tells him fine, she'll go, but a woman is going to defeat Sisera. So they go together to raise their army.
Now we go over to a Kenite man who has pitched his tent near the battlefield. That's all, back to the armies. God finally gets the better of the iron chariots, but Sisera gets away on foot. The rest of his army is slaughtered.
Sisera manages to escape and comes to the Kenite man's tent. Jael comes out and invites him inside, where she covers him with a blanket. He asks for water, but instead she gives him milk, which may or may not be breast milk. They may or may not have sex then, and he goes to sleep, asking her to stand guard. As soon as he's asleep, she takes a tent peg and hammer and nails him through the head with it. Or possibly through the scrotum. Or possibly through another orifice. It's not clear.
Barak comes along and Jael shows him her handiwork. The army kills the rest of Jabin's people.
For those wondering, yes the Christian right has picked up on the similarities between the Barak in the story and the US president. Alas, they do not consider Deborah to be Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin, but as generic 'messengers of god', most particularly Rick Warren. Everybody else, of course, is an agent of Baal.
Chapter 5
Chapter 5 is a rehash of the last chapter, written as a song sung by Deborah and Barak in praise of Jael. I like to hum 'Camptown Ladies' while reading it. We do get a few extra details, Jael is now to be praised above all women, unseating a certain blue-robed someone Catholics are so fond of, who is only blessed among women.
We also find out that Sisera's mother looked out the window for her son, and her ladies-in-waiting reckon he's tarrying in the fields with the Israelite women before ripping off their gowns to bring them home. Happy Mothers' Day, mom! Here, have this dress from the woman I raped last night. Sorry it's a bit bloody.
Anyway, Israel was then at peace for 40 years.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Judges, Chapters 2 & 3
Chapter 2
An angel comes down (okay, it's Jesus, at least according to Jerry), and tells the Israelites that they haven't been obeying god fully. Apparently, they haven't destroyed all their altars, so he's going to stop massacring all of them and leave the Israelites to their fate.
The Israelites start serving Baal, a fertility goddess known across the Middle East. This angers god, who causes their enemies to attack. He also appoints a series of judges, or high priests/warrior kings, to maintain the faith.
Chapter 3
The story of the left-handed assassin that kills a king on the toilet, then escapes through the drop-pit! Hey, at least it isn't another 20 massacres. Just a couple.
Anyway, when the chapter has begun, god has left some tribes in Israelbecause he can't defeat their more sophisticated weaponry to test their faith. The Israelites start to intermarry with the locals and they worship their gods, which pisses off the "real" god, so he sells them to Chushanrishathaim, king of Mesopotamia, who enslaves them for 8 years.
But then Othniel is filled with the spirit of the lord. Not the happy-clappy kind you see in charismatic churches, where people put their hands in the air and dance around and speak in tongues. That's much scarier than what happens here. Othniel just goes to war and frees them. They're peaceful for the ensuing 40 years, until Othniel dies and they revert to sinning again.
This time, god sends the Moabite king Eglon to defeat them and enslave them for 18 years. This time their deliverer is Ehud the lefty. He goes to Eglon, whom the bible judgementally informs us is fat, and says he has a gift. In fact, he has a daggar strapped to his thigh. I'll bet he has to strap it down. Eglon refuses to see him at first, but eventually he finagles his way into the king's summer parlor (v. 20), which according to my Uncensored Bible, is a mistranslation of toilet by telling him he has a secret message. The king sends away his attendants, who were probably happy to go. Ehud stabs the king, who, as often happens when the body is subjected to sudden trauma, shits himself (yes, like a Freudian 5 year old in his anal stage, the bible makes a point of giving us the scatological details). Either because of disgust or because it's too far into the fat, Ehud leaves the knife in the king and makes his escape. But the door is locked from the inside! How does he escape? Well, according to my Uncensored Bible, he goes down the hatch, modern plumbing being a distant dream. He leaves unnoticed, because who wants to look in a king's pit? and the king's servants think he's just in there for an extra long session. Much like when the other king, Elvis met a similar fate, they wait quite a while before searching out a key, only to discover the regicide.
Ehud is long gone by then, and rallies his army to attack in the confusion. They kill 10 000 Moabites, and have peace for 80 years.
The next judge is Shamgar, who kills 600 Philistines with an ox-goad, a stick used to drive oxen when ploughing.
An angel comes down (okay, it's Jesus, at least according to Jerry), and tells the Israelites that they haven't been obeying god fully. Apparently, they haven't destroyed all their altars, so he's going to stop massacring all of them and leave the Israelites to their fate.
The Israelites start serving Baal, a fertility goddess known across the Middle East. This angers god, who causes their enemies to attack. He also appoints a series of judges, or high priests/warrior kings, to maintain the faith.
Chapter 3
The story of the left-handed assassin that kills a king on the toilet, then escapes through the drop-pit! Hey, at least it isn't another 20 massacres. Just a couple.
Anyway, when the chapter has begun, god has left some tribes in Israel
But then Othniel is filled with the spirit of the lord. Not the happy-clappy kind you see in charismatic churches, where people put their hands in the air and dance around and speak in tongues. That's much scarier than what happens here. Othniel just goes to war and frees them. They're peaceful for the ensuing 40 years, until Othniel dies and they revert to sinning again.
This time, god sends the Moabite king Eglon to defeat them and enslave them for 18 years. This time their deliverer is Ehud the lefty. He goes to Eglon, whom the bible judgementally informs us is fat, and says he has a gift. In fact, he has a daggar strapped to his thigh. I'll bet he has to strap it down. Eglon refuses to see him at first, but eventually he finagles his way into the king's summer parlor (v. 20), which according to my Uncensored Bible, is a mistranslation of toilet by telling him he has a secret message. The king sends away his attendants, who were probably happy to go. Ehud stabs the king, who, as often happens when the body is subjected to sudden trauma, shits himself (yes, like a Freudian 5 year old in his anal stage, the bible makes a point of giving us the scatological details). Either because of disgust or because it's too far into the fat, Ehud leaves the knife in the king and makes his escape. But the door is locked from the inside! How does he escape? Well, according to my Uncensored Bible, he goes down the hatch, modern plumbing being a distant dream. He leaves unnoticed, because who wants to look in a king's pit? and the king's servants think he's just in there for an extra long session. Much like when the other king, Elvis met a similar fate, they wait quite a while before searching out a key, only to discover the regicide.
Ehud is long gone by then, and rallies his army to attack in the confusion. They kill 10 000 Moabites, and have peace for 80 years.
The next judge is Shamgar, who kills 600 Philistines with an ox-goad, a stick used to drive oxen when ploughing.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Judges, Chapter 1
Umpteen massacres and a wedding. So romantic.
Judah and Simeon decide to try and rid Canaan of its pesky inhabitants. They kill 10 000 Perizzites and Canaanites at Bezek. Someone named Adonibezek flees and has his thumbs and big toes cut off as a result. This apparently is a revenge strategy, because he once cut the thumbs and toes off 70 kings and made them eat scraps from under his table. He is sent to Jerusalem, where he dies.
Next, the fighting force goes to Jerusalem, where they kill everybody and burn the city. Judah then goes and fights the peoples of the valleys around Hebron and turns to the city of Debir. Yes, we already heard this story. Caleb offers his daughter Achsah to anyone who can defeat the city of Karjathsepher and Othniel succeeds. She asks her father for a field and spring of water and he gives it to her. It seems like at least one of those passages could have been cut without losing any narrative clarity. In fact, it would have made the whole thing clearer.
In a weird interlude, Moses' heretofore unknown Kenite father in law head out into the wilderness. Judah's people then go kill more Canaanites. They take over three more cities, but are unable to conquer a tribe that has iron chariots. So in this little game of rock-paper-scissors we've got going here, iron chariots beat god, god beats unicorns. I'm hoping unicorns will eventually turn out to beat iron chariots. And also wondering why we don't worship chariots, since they're clearly the superior beings here.
Then, even though we've been told just a few verses ago that Jerusalem has been defeated and burnt to the ground, we find out the Benjaminites can't take it.
Joseph's people go to Bethel and a man comes to meet them. He agrees to show them the entrance to the city in exchange for his life.
There are a bunch of other failed conquests in all the other areas as well but it doesn't seem interesting enough to list them here.
Judah and Simeon decide to try and rid Canaan of its pesky inhabitants. They kill 10 000 Perizzites and Canaanites at Bezek. Someone named Adonibezek flees and has his thumbs and big toes cut off as a result. This apparently is a revenge strategy, because he once cut the thumbs and toes off 70 kings and made them eat scraps from under his table. He is sent to Jerusalem, where he dies.
Next, the fighting force goes to Jerusalem, where they kill everybody and burn the city. Judah then goes and fights the peoples of the valleys around Hebron and turns to the city of Debir. Yes, we already heard this story. Caleb offers his daughter Achsah to anyone who can defeat the city of Karjathsepher and Othniel succeeds. She asks her father for a field and spring of water and he gives it to her. It seems like at least one of those passages could have been cut without losing any narrative clarity. In fact, it would have made the whole thing clearer.
In a weird interlude, Moses' heretofore unknown Kenite father in law head out into the wilderness. Judah's people then go kill more Canaanites. They take over three more cities, but are unable to conquer a tribe that has iron chariots. So in this little game of rock-paper-scissors we've got going here, iron chariots beat god, god beats unicorns. I'm hoping unicorns will eventually turn out to beat iron chariots. And also wondering why we don't worship chariots, since they're clearly the superior beings here.
Then, even though we've been told just a few verses ago that Jerusalem has been defeated and burnt to the ground, we find out the Benjaminites can't take it.
Joseph's people go to Bethel and a man comes to meet them. He agrees to show them the entrance to the city in exchange for his life.
There are a bunch of other failed conquests in all the other areas as well but it doesn't seem interesting enough to list them here.
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