Tobit, Chapters 11-14: Here's fish gall in your eye

Chapter 11

Raphael the angel proposes running ahead of Sara and preparing her new bridal home with fish gall. Anna is sitting outside the house and spots them. She calls out to Tobit that their son is home. Raphael instructs Tobias to rub the fish gall in his father's eyes so he'll be able to see again, but he can't because his mother throws herself on his neck and sobs that she can die happy now. Tobit comes out of the house, but trips on the step. Tobias goes to him and pokes fish gall in his eyes, which hurts, but when Tobit rubs his eyes, the cataracts fall away and he can see again. Tobias tells him all about the wife he left sitting at the gate to Nineve, because she wouldn't want a shower or dinner or food or anything. They go and pick her up and have another wedding feast.

Chapter 12

Tobit remembers the tip he promised Raphael if he brought Tobias back in one piece and mentions it to his son, who wants to give him half of his wedding bounty. They call Raphael in, and he finally reveals his angelness to them. The two mortals fall to the ground, but he tells them to get up, then leaves to write a book.

Chapter 13

Tobit writes a prayer that is heavy on what happens to sinners and light on what happens to the righteous, save that someday Jerusalem will have walls of sapphires and emeralds, gold towers, and streets of beryl and carbuncle stones.

Chapter 14

At the end of his life, Tobit calls Tobias and his six sons (it doesn't specify, but I'm betting their names are all variations on the theme) and tells them to go to Media because of a prophecy by Jonah of whale fame. Before they go, they're supposed to bury their grandparents. Then he dies at age 158, along with his wife. Instead of going to Media, however, Tobias and his family pay that long-promised visit to Raguel. They end up living there until its time to bury the in-laws as well. As for Tobias, he lives to be 120 and to hear about the sack of Nineve.

Tobit, Chapters 8-10: Wait, is Sara a necrophiliac?

Chapter 8

After dinner, Tobias goes to his bride. On the way, he sets fire to the fish liver and heart, which scares the spirit into darkest Egypt, where Raphael binds him. Tobias and his wife do the nasty and afterwards he says the words every bride longs to hear: Sister, arise, and let us pray that God would have pity on us (v. 4). Ever the ladies' man, this is a line from his prayer: I take not this my sister for lust, but uprightly (v. 5), so therefore they should be allowed to grow old together. How very convenient that lust and childbearing are so closely linked, especially in a society that lacks reliable birth control. Sara chimes in on the amen and they go to sleep.

In the morning, Raguel digs a grave, thinking his latest son in law is dead and his daughter has just been hanging out with a corpse all night. He tells his wife to send a slave girl up to their room to see if they're alive, like, why didn't you do that before you dug a stupid hole in your stupid yard. The maid returns with the news that Tobias is still alive, and Raguel praises god, even though god sent the demon that killed his first seven sons in law. Then he tells his servants to fill in the stupid grave. Then, I guess to make it look like the earth was supposed to be messed up, they have a 14 day wedding feast, after which he gives Tobias half of his stuff and promises the other half when he and his wife die.

Chapter 9

Tobias sends Raphael, a slave and two camels along for Gabael to invite him for the wedding. He reminds him (and me) about the money that was the original reason for this journey, and tells him to bring it back.

Chapter 10

Tobit is anxiously awaiting his son, who, despite sending him off with a disguised angel and his dog, he isn't convinced is smart enough to make his way back home. His wife certainly thinks her son is dead and she starts wailing that her life is over. Tobit tells her to shut up, Tobias might be stupid, but he isn't dead. His wife insists that he is and goes to sit in front of the house. She won't eat by day and she spends all night howling because apparently she's a dog.

Anyway, Tobias knows that his parents are insane and so as soon as the feast is over, he asks Raguel to let him go home. Raguel doesn't see what the big deal is and offers to send a letter, but Tobias insists he needs to go back in person or no one in their entire town will ever sleep again. So Raguel packs up half his belongings and sends them off. He reminds Sara to behave and does that annoying parent thing where he's all grant that I may see the children of my daughter Sara before I might die (v. 17) that not nearly enough people get clocked for saying.

Tobit, Chapter 7: Worst. Wedding. EVER.

Tobias and the angel finally arrive at Raguel's house. Sara opens the door and she and Tobias check each other out but for all this book is about the importance of kinship, he doesn't introduce himself. Sara's father comments to his wife Edna that Tobias looks a lot like his cousin, and asks him where he's from. Tobias is evasive, only giving his tribal affiliation and current address. Raguel asks if they know Tobit and if he's in good health, which is when Tobias finally introduces himself. This makes Raguel cry. When Tobias explains about the blindness, Edna and Sara also start to cry. Then the five of them barbecue and eat an entire sheep, at which point Tobias is ready to get married, so he asks the angel to explain about how he owns his cousin and therefore gets to marry her.

Of course, Raguel doesn't bat an eye, but fortunately there's an entire gif montage that was just made for this book:



No, Raguel's concern is not about a random weirdo showing up and claiming the right to marry his daughter. He's totally on board with that, it's just that the last seven dudes all died the minute they tried to have sex with her. He encourages Tobias to drink up, but Tobias is no longer interested in being a good guest and says that until they come to an agreement, he's not eating or drinking anything.

At that, Raguel relents and tells Sara she's marrying this guy she met 5 seconds ago and moving to a new country with him. Then they have supper. Next, he instructs his wife to bring in some paper so he can make up a marriage contract, and also to prepare a bridal suite in one of the spare bedrooms. Edna takes her poor daughter into the room to get ready and tells her to close her eyes and think of England.

Tobit, Chapter 6: I don't know which is worse, the medical advice or the marital advice.

Tobias and the angel start out on their journey. The first night, they take lodgings near the Tigris river. Since indoor plumbing hasn't been invented yet, Tobias goes down to the river for a bath. While he's washing himself, a fish leaps out of the water and tries to eat him. Raphael, mindful of the tip Tobit promised him if he returns Tobias in one piece, instructs him to get hold of the fish, remove its heart, liver and gallbladder and put them somewhere safe. Then they have a nice fish fry for dinner.

The next day, they head for a place called Ecbatane. To make conversation, Tobias asks what the angel intends to do with the fish organs. Raphael explains that if they smoke the heart and liver near someone who is possessed by a devil, it will drive the evil spirit away. The gall cures white eyes. Perfectly good alternatives to psychotropic drugs and cataract surgery, which is why you see biblical literalists using them all the time.

At some later point, they arrive in Rages and Raphael drops the bombshell on Tobias that they're going to his cousin Raguel's house, where Tobias is going to exercise his right to claim her as his wife. Sure, Raphael tries to spin it as she's pretty and smart and she can't marry anyone else because according to Mosaic law, her father has to marry her to Tobias because he doesn't have any sons and so Tobias is now his heir, but it still earns this reaction from Alison Brie:



Tobias, demonstrating that he's possibly not the idiot his parents think he is, asks about Sara's other seven husbands who all died in bed with her. He doesn't want to be Henry the Eighth. Raphael reminds him of how he promised his father he'd marry one of his kinswomen and promises to take care of the evil spirit. Oh, also this is where the fish stuff will come in handy: he's supposed to smoke the heart and liver of the fish and lie down on a bed of ashes of perfume (v. 16). The devil will smell all of this and run away, as would any sane bride. But then Sara has already been married to seven guys who all died when they tried to have sex with her, which does not speak well of her mental state. Anyway, as further assurance against premature death, but not premature ejaculation, Tobias and Sara are also supposed to pray to god when they first go into the honeymoon suite, following which Sara will be able to go home with him and start on the continual pregnancies. This causes Tobias to fall in love.

Tobit, Chapters 4 & 5: Biblical Helicopter Parents

Chapter 4

Tobit suddenly remembers some money that he has buried, or owes or is owed by or quite possibly promised to donate to someone or something or someplace called Gabael. He also remembers that he wants to die, and now his dilemma is whether to tell his son Tobias about the money. He calls his son to his deathbed and tells him not to hate his mother, which does seem like the least he could do, and makes him promise to bury her. He also asks him to be mindful of god and most importantly not to marry a foreign bride or it will lead to famine. Also, pay his workers, stay sober, don't be jealous, and listen to wise people. Then he tells him he owes Gabael, but not to worry, it won't make them broke.

Chapter 5

Tobias promises to do everything his father asks, then immediately tries to weasel out of paying Gabael back, saying he doesn't know who he is. Rather than give him a description or an address, Tobit gives him a sample of the guy's handwriting, which I suppose might work, considering the literacy rate back then was something like 1%. He also recommends hiring a guide. Tobias unwittingly hires the angel Raphael. He asks him if he knows Rages, the city he's supposed to go to, and Raphael says he once lived with Gabael in a strictly platonic way. Tobias goes to tell his father that he's found a guide, and because he's apparently an idiot, Tobit demands to meet the guide before they leave. Raphael goes into Tobit's sick room, and Tobit demands to know his tribal affiliation. Raphael asks if he's hiring a tribe or a guide, and Tobit says he needs to know who's taking his son to the city. Raphael lies and says his name is Azarias and explains his connection to Tobit's tribe. Tobit likes Azarias' people and approves of him as his son's babysitter. Then he asks how much money Raphael wants, and if he requires a per diem, and promises a tip if he returns Tobias alive. At this point I'm starting to wonder if sending Tobias at all is a good idea, considering the amount of hand-holding he apparently needs.

Finally, Tobias and his dog and Raphael are ready to go. Tobit blesses them and stands in the driveway waving them off. Anna is in tears, because she also realises how stupid her kid is, and asks why this ten talents is so frigging important to Tobit. Tobit, after all that drama with the guide thing, assures his wife that their son will come back safe

Tobit, Chapter 3: Psst! Your slaves hate you

Tobit starts crying and praying to god for forgiveness and asking to be killed.

At the same time, a woman named Sara is reproaches by one of her father's slave girls. The slave retorts that Sara has had seven husbands, each of whom has been killed by a devil named Asmodeus right after having sex with her, but apparently people say Sara strangled them. Then she says she hopes Sara dies and never has kids. Rather than just saying




Sara runs upstairs to sulk. But seriously, how un-self-aware do you have to be to think your SLAVES don't talk smack about you behind your back? She contemplates killing herself but ultimately decides against it, as she's her father's only daughter. So she prays to god to kill her. She claims that despite her seven husbands, she's pure from all sin with man (v. 14) which earns her an eyeroll from Frank Underwood:



And begs that if she must live, could god at least stop people from saying nasty things about her. God sends the angel Raphael down to kill three birds with one stone: first, he removes the scales from Tobit's eyes, then he gives Sara to Tobit, because she belonged to Tobias by right of inheritance (v. 17) thus earning them one last GIF from Marty McFly:

Tobit, Chapters 1 & 2: There's a body in your duck pond, there, Anna

Chapter 1

Tobit was taken captive by the Assyrians, but remained pious and gave all he had to his family. At some point when he's a kid, everyone goes to see King Jeroboam's golden calves, but he runs off to Jerusalem to make sacrifices at the temple for the next 3 years.

When he grows up, he marries Anna and has a son, Tobit Jr., who he indoctrinates from infancy. Then they're taken captive and enslaved by the Ninivians, who don't follow Jewish dietary practices, but he insists on keeping kosher. This somehow endears him to King Salamansar, who gives him free reign, which of course he uses to harangue his fellow enslaved Israelites.

One day he's in the city of Rages and he happens to have 10 talents of silver burning a hole in his pocket. He sees one of his tribesmen is in need and gives him the money.

Some later year, which is exactly how vague the bible is about dates, Salamansar dies and his son Sennacherib takes over. Sennacherib is a raging anti-Semite, but he does not reign in Tobit, who continues to go around distributing clothes and food to the needy and burying the dead. In fact, Sennacherib is too busy conquering Judea, until god gets pissed off at him and he flees. When he arrives back in Ninive, where, to assuage his humiliation, he kills a bunch of Israelites. Tobit buries them, which further enrages Sennacherib, who orders him dead and takes away everything, including his clothing, so that Tobit, Anna, and Tobit Jr. end up running away naked and hiding in a ditch. 45 days later, Sennacherib's sons kill him, at which point Tobit comes back and is able to reclaim his house and his pants. Fascinating. I can see why the Apocrypha were left out.

Chapter 2

At some point, Tobit is having a dinner prepared in his house. The fact he's not doing it himself leads me to believe that the dude who has already been enslaved twice has not learned a thing from his experience. Anyway, he tells his son to go round up some guests for the feast, but his son comes back right quick to report that an Israelite has been killed in the street. Tobit leaped up from his place at the table, and left his dinner, and came fasting to the body (v. 3). Like, dude, you do NOT get to stop eating for an hour and call it a fast like you're some kind of champion saint, okay? Anyway, he collects the body and hides it, intending to bury it after dark and the fact that this is emphasised so much is making me wonder if it's a fetish, especially when the book describes him just sitting there with a dead body, eating bread. At sunset, he buries the body.

This irritates his neighbours, not for the reason you might expect, namely that the guy is turning his house into an amateur morgue and unlicensed graveyard, but because he's already been sentenced to death once. Honestly, if my neighbour was doing that and he was killed as a result... I wouldn't be too broken up about it, especially in summer.

But no, Tobit fears god more than the king and at this particular point god is super concerned with what happens to dead bodies, something only occasionally mentioned in the Old Testament, which lends further credence to my fetish theory, and he keeps hiding them in his house and burying them at night. One day he gets tired of burying people and sits down by the wall to take a nap. While he's sleeping, a bird shits on his face and somehow blinds him, even though his eyes were presumably closed. But no, this is a test from god in a similar vein to what happened to poor Job, except that Job had 10 kids and was rich and happy and ended up naked on a dungheap scratching himself with a pottery shard and Tobit has a bunch of dead bodies lying around his house and yard in a hot climate before embalming was invented. In other words, the loss ought not to be as meaningful.

Much like Job, Tobit refuses to curse god, though thankfully we don't have 42 chapters of him bitching, either. Nope, he just sits there patiently and ignores people who make fun of his necrophilia. His wife continues at her weaving job, no doubt grateful that she no longer comes home and finds corpses littering the floors she JUST washed. One day, someone gives her a young kid goat and she takes it home. Tobit hears it bleating, and tells her to take it back, because they can't eat or touch something that was stolen. Poor Anna can only roll her eyes at this apparent new fetish and argues that all his piety has left him blind and sitting in a fucking graveyard that she no doubt imagined with a nice gazebo and maybe a fish pond, not a bunch of cadavers. The scene ends with her continuing to upbraid him.