Ephesians, Chapters 4-6: Submit you wives, children and slaves

Chapter 4

It's very important for christians to stick together in one belief system, because there is only one god, who sent us people like 'Paul' to clarify that system for us. When we've worked it all out, we'll stop being children chasing after faddish, satanic prophets. So the gentiles have to throw off their old sinning ways and follow Christ, which means no lying, no going to bed angry, stop stealing, don't piss the holy spirit off, be  nice and forgive people. All very good things, if only they were the sole subject of this book.

Chapter 5

See, here's where all the stuff in the previous chapter, no matter how nice it is, is negated by the bullshit that makes up the rest of the book. So here's how not to be a christian: fornicating, failing to shower, jealousy, idle chitchat, drinking. All those things, no matter how vital to a functioning society, will lead you straight to hell.

And then we get to the biggest, steamiest pile of bullshit in the book: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (v. 22-23). Men, on the other hand, only have to love their wives, because they aren't property. And then we get to the creepiest verse of them all: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh (v. 31). 

Chapter 6

Children need to be obedient, but parents shouldn't seek to piss them off, either. Slaves have to obey their masters, which good ole Jerry, a card-carrying member of the 1 percent, takes to mean that employees should seek the best for their employers. In the end, whether you were a slave or a free man, you'll get your reward in heaven. Never on earth, of course. That would be... fair, or something. Masters shouldn't threaten their slaves. Everybody has to be strong in the lord and put on his armour to fight off Satan. 'Paul' lists off the various bits of armour: the shield of faith (v. 16) and the helmet of salvation (v. 17) and of course, prayer.