Another story that was rejected from the book of Daniel for not being in Hebrew. A rich Babylonian man named Joacim marries a pretty woman named Susanna whose parents had raised her as Jewish. The Jews like this Joacim because he deals fairly with them.
The same year as the wedding, two men are appointed as judges. They spend a lot of time hanging at Joacim's place with the rest of the court. One day, everyone but the judges leaves around noon, and Susanna takes a turn around the garden. The judges are inflamed by lust for this hot young Jewess, and they feel so ashamed they can't even admit it to each other. Still, they come back day after day for the show. Finally, one says to the other that they should go home for lunch, and the other agrees, but they both circle around and try to sneak back in. When they meet again at the gate, they both admit to being in love with Susanna. They agree on a time to tell her how much they love her together.
On the appointed day, Susanna comes out to the garden as usual, but this time it's hot and she wants to take a bath. The men hide and watch. She sends her maids out on some errand and the two horndogs approach and ask her for a threesome. They point out that there are no witnesses and if she doesn't agree, they'll tell everyone she has a lover. Susanna sighs that she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, but she'd really rather not have sex with a couple of olds, so she refuses. Everybody starts screaming and the slaves come running out and the old farts blab their false story about Susanna's fake lover.
The next day, some people are hanging out at Joacim's and the two troublemakers show up. They send for Susanna, who shows up with her entire clan, wearing a demure veil. They demand that she take off the veil, so she does, and she's so hot that everyone starts crying. The two old coots put their hands on her head and tell the baldfaced lie that they saw her with a lover the day before. No one asks why two perverts were hanging around in someone else's garden spying on his hot wife and her lover. Rather, they buy the story hook, line and sinker and condemn Susanna to death.
Susanna cries out to god, who actually listens, and sends down Daniel, who calls the crowd a bunch of assholes and points out the two codgers were lying. He separates them and asks them which tree the alleged assignation took place. And of course they say two different things, so the crowd cuts them in half. And Susanna's husband forgives her and they all lived happily ever after the servants cleaned the blood up.
Showing posts with label sexism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexism. Show all posts
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Judith, Chapters 13 and 14: All the most disgusting things in one chapter
Chapter 13
Bagoas shuts the party down, leaving Judith and Holofernes alone inside. Holofernes is passed out drunk. Judith asks her slave girl to stand outside her room and wait for her so she can go and pray. On the way out, she stops in on Holofernes. As she looks at him, she prays silently to god to take advantage of this situation. She finds a big knife hanging from one of his bedposts, grabs his hair, begs god for strength, and cuts of his head with two grisly blows. She hands it to her maid, who puts it into the sack of meat she's already holding. Somehow they pass through the camp as though they're going to prayer, and no one notices that they're presumably covered in blood, because cutting off heads is messy. Anyway, no one disturbs them and they go back to Bethulia.
As she approaches the gates, she calls out to the gatekeeper to open up. The men of the city hear her and come running. She brags to them that god used her hands to destroy their enemies and holds up the head in triumph, adding that as a hot chick, no one was expecting her. This would still be the case today. Far from being disgusted, the elders praise her.
Chapter 14
Judith wants the head on a spike. Then she wants the Israelites to suit of armor up and head down to the Assyrian camp. The Assyrians will be shocked and will go to find Holofernes. Finding him sans tête, they will flee. The Israelites will then pursue them to the sea coast, killing them on the way.
Before any of that, though, she wants to see Achior the Ammonite to show him her prize. He's shocked, but also praises Judith and wants to hear the story in gory detail. She tells him, and the people start shouting for joy. Right then and there, Achior circumcises himself, and is accepted as a new Jew.
In the morning, they put Holofernes' head on a spike and go down to confront the Assyrians. Somehow, Bagoas is able to knock on Holofernes' door, even though he's in a tent. He's also able to open said door, only to find Holofernes, but not his head. He goes to Judith's tent and discovers it devoid of any heads. He jumps up to explain to the soldiers that they got played by a hot chick, and they're all completely shocked.
Bagoas shuts the party down, leaving Judith and Holofernes alone inside. Holofernes is passed out drunk. Judith asks her slave girl to stand outside her room and wait for her so she can go and pray. On the way out, she stops in on Holofernes. As she looks at him, she prays silently to god to take advantage of this situation. She finds a big knife hanging from one of his bedposts, grabs his hair, begs god for strength, and cuts of his head with two grisly blows. She hands it to her maid, who puts it into the sack of meat she's already holding. Somehow they pass through the camp as though they're going to prayer, and no one notices that they're presumably covered in blood, because cutting off heads is messy. Anyway, no one disturbs them and they go back to Bethulia.
As she approaches the gates, she calls out to the gatekeeper to open up. The men of the city hear her and come running. She brags to them that god used her hands to destroy their enemies and holds up the head in triumph, adding that as a hot chick, no one was expecting her. This would still be the case today. Far from being disgusted, the elders praise her.
Chapter 14
Judith wants the head on a spike. Then she wants the Israelites to suit of armor up and head down to the Assyrian camp. The Assyrians will be shocked and will go to find Holofernes. Finding him sans tête, they will flee. The Israelites will then pursue them to the sea coast, killing them on the way.
Before any of that, though, she wants to see Achior the Ammonite to show him her prize. He's shocked, but also praises Judith and wants to hear the story in gory detail. She tells him, and the people start shouting for joy. Right then and there, Achior circumcises himself, and is accepted as a new Jew.
In the morning, they put Holofernes' head on a spike and go down to confront the Assyrians. Somehow, Bagoas is able to knock on Holofernes' door, even though he's in a tent. He's also able to open said door, only to find Holofernes, but not his head. He goes to Judith's tent and discovers it devoid of any heads. He jumps up to explain to the soldiers that they got played by a hot chick, and they're all completely shocked.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Judith Chapters 8-10: Wow, a hot chick gets what she wants
Chapter 8
Finally, we meet Judith. We get a long genealogy, which includes the fact that one of her great-something grandfathers was called Ox. We also learned that she was married to Manasses, who died in the barley harvest, of heat stroke.
Judith has been a widow for 3 years and 4 months and then one day she puts a tent on her roof and a sackcloth under her mourning clothes and she sits up there and prays except on sabbath, new moons, and feasts. Despite this, she's very beautiful and rich, but everyone still likes her because she's pious. On what must be an off day for praying, she hears about the lack of water in Belulia and she calls the city leaders to her villa. She rebukes them for playing god and testing him with this whole siege thing. She advises them to pray, as they have been doing. The mayor, Ozias, praises her for being smart for a girl, and asks her to pray for rain. Judith has a counter-proposal: they should guard the gate, and she'll go out with her slave, and she'll bring god back in the next 5 days. Ozias agrees.
Chapter 9
Judith pours ashes on herself and takes off her mourning clothes to reveal the sackcloth, then heads down to the temple and shouts at god about all the evil shit he's allowed to happen, but still asks him to save them from the Assyrians.
Chapter 10
Judith goes home, takes a bath, puts on perfume, does her hair and puts on her old, non-mourning clothes and accessories. She hands her maid a bag of food and wine, and they head to the city gate. The council is waiting there and they all pop boners when they remember how hot she used to be before her husband died and she went nuts. She asks them to open the gate and they stare at her ass as she walks down the road to bring peace to the city.
When she gets to the first Assyrian guards, they manage to remember to ask her who she is and why she's on the road. She says she's from Belulia and is escaping the coming conquest. She promises them that if they take her to Holofernes, she'll tell him how to win the war. At this point, the men are overwhelmed by her hotness and agree to do as she bids. A hundred of them escort her to the tent. On the way, all the men hang out of their tent doors to check her out and speculate as to why their leaders hate the Israelites, given the hotness of their women.
Holofernes is in his tent on a bed meant for a twelve year old girl with terrible taste: purple and gold linens and covered in emeralds and hung with silver lamps. He's also taken in by Judith's hotness and is fooled when she throws herself on the ground and pretends to worship him.
Finally, we meet Judith. We get a long genealogy, which includes the fact that one of her great-something grandfathers was called Ox. We also learned that she was married to Manasses, who died in the barley harvest, of heat stroke.
Judith has been a widow for 3 years and 4 months and then one day she puts a tent on her roof and a sackcloth under her mourning clothes and she sits up there and prays except on sabbath, new moons, and feasts. Despite this, she's very beautiful and rich, but everyone still likes her because she's pious. On what must be an off day for praying, she hears about the lack of water in Belulia and she calls the city leaders to her villa. She rebukes them for playing god and testing him with this whole siege thing. She advises them to pray, as they have been doing. The mayor, Ozias, praises her for being smart for a girl, and asks her to pray for rain. Judith has a counter-proposal: they should guard the gate, and she'll go out with her slave, and she'll bring god back in the next 5 days. Ozias agrees.
Chapter 9
Judith pours ashes on herself and takes off her mourning clothes to reveal the sackcloth, then heads down to the temple and shouts at god about all the evil shit he's allowed to happen, but still asks him to save them from the Assyrians.
Chapter 10
Judith goes home, takes a bath, puts on perfume, does her hair and puts on her old, non-mourning clothes and accessories. She hands her maid a bag of food and wine, and they head to the city gate. The council is waiting there and they all pop boners when they remember how hot she used to be before her husband died and she went nuts. She asks them to open the gate and they stare at her ass as she walks down the road to bring peace to the city.
When she gets to the first Assyrian guards, they manage to remember to ask her who she is and why she's on the road. She says she's from Belulia and is escaping the coming conquest. She promises them that if they take her to Holofernes, she'll tell him how to win the war. At this point, the men are overwhelmed by her hotness and agree to do as she bids. A hundred of them escort her to the tent. On the way, all the men hang out of their tent doors to check her out and speculate as to why their leaders hate the Israelites, given the hotness of their women.
Holofernes is in his tent on a bed meant for a twelve year old girl with terrible taste: purple and gold linens and covered in emeralds and hung with silver lamps. He's also taken in by Judith's hotness and is fooled when she throws herself on the ground and pretends to worship him.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
1 Peter, Chapters 1-5: Are you covered in blood? Good.
Apparently, Peter has spent his time between Acts 4 and now going from an illiterate speaker of Aramaic to a fluent writer of Greek. Or, you know, this letter is a fake.
Chapter 1
'Peter' writes to the elect (v. 2), who will know who they are based on whether god sprinkled some of Christ's blood on them. If so, you're going to heaven when the world ends. Don't look like Carrie? Sorry, you're SOL. Meantime, be sober and judge people for their works.
Chapter 2
Be nice and control your lusts and Peter will use you as a stone in his building of worship. Also, brag about your good works to people and obey the king, who will punish evildoers. Slaves ought to fear their masters.
Chapter 3
We haven't talked about women for awhile, so let's do that now. Women have to obey, of course, but at the same time, their obedience has to win non-christian husbands over. It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that a wife converting while her husband remains a pagan is pretty disobedient. She also can't beguile him into faith through sexy tricks like hair braiding, lingerie or fancy jewellery. She has to be dowdy like the old testament matriarchs.
Husbands have to honour their wives as the weaker vessel (v. 7), be compassionate to others, and not get caught up in vengeance cycles. Plus, bad people can't harm you if you're faithful. Of course, if you do suffer, it's god's will, just like when Jesus died and went to hell to talk to the sinners. Furthermore, christians should be prepared to discuss their faith with anyone who asks.
'Peter' also explains to us where baptism comes from: apparently, when everybody except for Noah's family died in that flood way back when, it was actually god saving people, and dunking your head now will also get you saved. No, it is not explained what the connection between saving people by keeping them dry and saving them by getting their hair wet might be.
Chapter 4
Suffering means you aren't sinning. This will also allow you to finally give up thinking sexy thoughts like those whoring pagans and think about god until the world ends.
'Peter' also wants to tell us that Jesus went down to hell once to give the sinners a chance to repent.
Be good, be charitable, and for heaven's sake, don't murder anyone, no not even when the apocalypse starts. Speaking of apocalypses, it will be much worse for non-believers.
Chapter 5
'Peter' reminds the elders to take care of their flocks and the younger members to obey their elders. All people should remember that the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (v. 8).
Chapter 1
'Peter' writes to the elect (v. 2), who will know who they are based on whether god sprinkled some of Christ's blood on them. If so, you're going to heaven when the world ends. Don't look like Carrie? Sorry, you're SOL. Meantime, be sober and judge people for their works.
Chapter 2
Be nice and control your lusts and Peter will use you as a stone in his building of worship. Also, brag about your good works to people and obey the king, who will punish evildoers. Slaves ought to fear their masters.
Chapter 3
We haven't talked about women for awhile, so let's do that now. Women have to obey, of course, but at the same time, their obedience has to win non-christian husbands over. It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that a wife converting while her husband remains a pagan is pretty disobedient. She also can't beguile him into faith through sexy tricks like hair braiding, lingerie or fancy jewellery. She has to be dowdy like the old testament matriarchs.
Husbands have to honour their wives as the weaker vessel (v. 7), be compassionate to others, and not get caught up in vengeance cycles. Plus, bad people can't harm you if you're faithful. Of course, if you do suffer, it's god's will, just like when Jesus died and went to hell to talk to the sinners. Furthermore, christians should be prepared to discuss their faith with anyone who asks.
'Peter' also explains to us where baptism comes from: apparently, when everybody except for Noah's family died in that flood way back when, it was actually god saving people, and dunking your head now will also get you saved. No, it is not explained what the connection between saving people by keeping them dry and saving them by getting their hair wet might be.
Chapter 4
Suffering means you aren't sinning. This will also allow you to finally give up thinking sexy thoughts like those whoring pagans and think about god until the world ends.
'Peter' also wants to tell us that Jesus went down to hell once to give the sinners a chance to repent.
Be good, be charitable, and for heaven's sake, don't murder anyone, no not even when the apocalypse starts. Speaking of apocalypses, it will be much worse for non-believers.
Chapter 5
'Peter' reminds the elders to take care of their flocks and the younger members to obey their elders. All people should remember that the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (v. 8).
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Ephesians, Chapters 4-6: Submit you wives, children and slaves
Chapter 4
It's very important for christians to stick together in one belief system, because there is only one god, who sent us people like 'Paul' to clarify that system for us. When we've worked it all out, we'll stop being children chasing after faddish, satanic prophets. So the gentiles have to throw off their old sinning ways and follow Christ, which means no lying, no going to bed angry, stop stealing, don't piss the holy spirit off, be nice and forgive people. All very good things, if only they were the sole subject of this book.
Chapter 5
See, here's where all the stuff in the previous chapter, no matter how nice it is, is negated by the bullshit that makes up the rest of the book. So here's how not to be a christian: fornicating, failing to shower, jealousy, idle chitchat, drinking. All those things, no matter how vital to a functioning society, will lead you straight to hell.
And then we get to the biggest, steamiest pile of bullshit in the book: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (v. 22-23). Men, on the other hand, only have to love their wives, because they aren't property. And then we get to the creepiest verse of them all: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh (v. 31).
Chapter 6
Children need to be obedient, but parents shouldn't seek to piss them off, either. Slaves have to obey their masters, which good ole Jerry, a card-carrying member of the 1 percent, takes to mean that employees should seek the best for their employers. In the end, whether you were a slave or a free man, you'll get your reward in heaven. Never on earth, of course. That would be... fair, or something. Masters shouldn't threaten their slaves. Everybody has to be strong in the lord and put on his armour to fight off Satan. 'Paul' lists off the various bits of armour: the shield of faith (v. 16) and the helmet of salvation (v. 17) and of course, prayer.
It's very important for christians to stick together in one belief system, because there is only one god, who sent us people like 'Paul' to clarify that system for us. When we've worked it all out, we'll stop being children chasing after faddish, satanic prophets. So the gentiles have to throw off their old sinning ways and follow Christ, which means no lying, no going to bed angry, stop stealing, don't piss the holy spirit off, be nice and forgive people. All very good things, if only they were the sole subject of this book.
Chapter 5
See, here's where all the stuff in the previous chapter, no matter how nice it is, is negated by the bullshit that makes up the rest of the book. So here's how not to be a christian: fornicating, failing to shower, jealousy, idle chitchat, drinking. All those things, no matter how vital to a functioning society, will lead you straight to hell.
And then we get to the biggest, steamiest pile of bullshit in the book: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (v. 22-23). Men, on the other hand, only have to love their wives, because they aren't property. And then we get to the creepiest verse of them all: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh (v. 31).
Chapter 6
Children need to be obedient, but parents shouldn't seek to piss them off, either. Slaves have to obey their masters, which good ole Jerry, a card-carrying member of the 1 percent, takes to mean that employees should seek the best for their employers. In the end, whether you were a slave or a free man, you'll get your reward in heaven. Never on earth, of course. That would be... fair, or something. Masters shouldn't threaten their slaves. Everybody has to be strong in the lord and put on his armour to fight off Satan. 'Paul' lists off the various bits of armour: the shield of faith (v. 16) and the helmet of salvation (v. 17) and of course, prayer.
Monday, November 5, 2012
1 Corinthians, Chapters 11 & 12: Was Jesus' long hair shameful?
Chapter 11
Paul informs us that we should follow his teachings. Then he teaches us the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man (v. 3). Which only works so long as your man isn't a serial killer, or a drug addict, or a politician. Then you're on your own, ladies. Next we're told that men shouldn't cover their heads in church, but women should, because otherwise it's the same as being shaved. Women can work around this by cutting their hair, but it's shameful. The reasoning for all this is a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. (v. 7) Gross. Also, men don't need women, but women need men, and women were created for men. However, we're not independent as women are still needed for their reproductive function.
Some rhetorical questions about tonsorial fashion: first, do we think it's appropriate for uncovered women to pray in public? Second, is long hair on a dude shameful? I guess he's never seen a picture of Jesus Third, doesn't long hair make a woman attractive? If you don't like those rules, tough luck for you, it's tradition and Paul is sticking to it.
After 17 verses, Paul gets off the subject of hair and moves on to church gossip. This congregation hasn't been getting along so well, and their communal eating has become a mockery, with no one sharing and some going home hungry while others just come for a piss-up. He reminds them about Jesus' instructions to eat his body and drink his blood, and tells them anyone who partakes of the sacrament but isn't worthy is sinning and is going to hell. That's why some of them have got sick and died. Not because they lacked antibiotics or proper sanitation, no. Finally, if you're really hungry, eat at home, because you should share at church.
Chapter 12
Paul now wants to talk to us about what powers the holy spirit can and cannot imbue us with, because this congregation was full of pagans until recently, so they may not know all the ins and outs quite properly yet.
First, the holy spirit would never, ever, make anyone under its influence curse Jesus, but nor would it make them say he's the lord.
It does bring other gifts, and requires other services, and god has different ways of working through all of us. We all have a gift, which contributes to the common good. One may be wise, another may have special knowledge, though again, not of epidemiology or sanitation engineering. Some people are faithful, which doesn't seem like much of a gift, and others have healing powers, though not in any useful form. Other people can do miracles, while some can prophesy. Others can talk to the spirit world, while still others can speak in tongues and others can interpret what they say. This is because we're all one body and god has given us gifts that compliment each other and are needed in the church. He promises to show us a most excellent way of living in his next chapter.
Paul informs us that we should follow his teachings. Then he teaches us the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man (v. 3). Which only works so long as your man isn't a serial killer, or a drug addict, or a politician. Then you're on your own, ladies. Next we're told that men shouldn't cover their heads in church, but women should, because otherwise it's the same as being shaved. Women can work around this by cutting their hair, but it's shameful. The reasoning for all this is a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. (v. 7) Gross. Also, men don't need women, but women need men, and women were created for men. However, we're not independent as women are still needed for their reproductive function.
Some rhetorical questions about tonsorial fashion: first, do we think it's appropriate for uncovered women to pray in public? Second, is long hair on a dude shameful? I guess he's never seen a picture of Jesus Third, doesn't long hair make a woman attractive? If you don't like those rules, tough luck for you, it's tradition and Paul is sticking to it.
After 17 verses, Paul gets off the subject of hair and moves on to church gossip. This congregation hasn't been getting along so well, and their communal eating has become a mockery, with no one sharing and some going home hungry while others just come for a piss-up. He reminds them about Jesus' instructions to eat his body and drink his blood, and tells them anyone who partakes of the sacrament but isn't worthy is sinning and is going to hell. That's why some of them have got sick and died. Not because they lacked antibiotics or proper sanitation, no. Finally, if you're really hungry, eat at home, because you should share at church.
Chapter 12
Paul now wants to talk to us about what powers the holy spirit can and cannot imbue us with, because this congregation was full of pagans until recently, so they may not know all the ins and outs quite properly yet.
First, the holy spirit would never, ever, make anyone under its influence curse Jesus, but nor would it make them say he's the lord.
It does bring other gifts, and requires other services, and god has different ways of working through all of us. We all have a gift, which contributes to the common good. One may be wise, another may have special knowledge, though again, not of epidemiology or sanitation engineering. Some people are faithful, which doesn't seem like much of a gift, and others have healing powers, though not in any useful form. Other people can do miracles, while some can prophesy. Others can talk to the spirit world, while still others can speak in tongues and others can interpret what they say. This is because we're all one body and god has given us gifts that compliment each other and are needed in the church. He promises to show us a most excellent way of living in his next chapter.
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