Ephesians, Chapters 4-6: Submit you wives, children and slaves

Chapter 4

It's very important for christians to stick together in one belief system, because there is only one god, who sent us people like 'Paul' to clarify that system for us. When we've worked it all out, we'll stop being children chasing after faddish, satanic prophets. So the gentiles have to throw off their old sinning ways and follow Christ, which means no lying, no going to bed angry, stop stealing, don't piss the holy spirit off, be  nice and forgive people. All very good things, if only they were the sole subject of this book.

Chapter 5

See, here's where all the stuff in the previous chapter, no matter how nice it is, is negated by the bullshit that makes up the rest of the book. So here's how not to be a christian: fornicating, failing to shower, jealousy, idle chitchat, drinking. All those things, no matter how vital to a functioning society, will lead you straight to hell.

And then we get to the biggest, steamiest pile of bullshit in the book: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (v. 22-23). Men, on the other hand, only have to love their wives, because they aren't property. And then we get to the creepiest verse of them all: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh (v. 31). 

Chapter 6

Children need to be obedient, but parents shouldn't seek to piss them off, either. Slaves have to obey their masters, which good ole Jerry, a card-carrying member of the 1 percent, takes to mean that employees should seek the best for their employers. In the end, whether you were a slave or a free man, you'll get your reward in heaven. Never on earth, of course. That would be... fair, or something. Masters shouldn't threaten their slaves. Everybody has to be strong in the lord and put on his armour to fight off Satan. 'Paul' lists off the various bits of armour: the shield of faith (v. 16) and the helmet of salvation (v. 17) and of course, prayer.

Ephesians, Chapters 1-3: Living in sin

Chapter 1

'Paul' (probably not Paul) sends his blessings to the Ephesians, and a reminder: god picked you before he made the world, and whether you're going up or down after is already determined. Why this means you can't sleep until noon and spend the day watching The Real Housewives of Toledo and eating potato chips, because you can't change your fate, is not explained. All this is true because of Jesus dying, which also gave us wisdom and sound judgement and enlightenment. Which again, I don't see the use of, since everything was decided, at least according to my crazy creationist yet oddly useful bible comparison website, sometime before 4000 BCE.

Chapter 2

A cheery reminder that all christians used to live in sin, under the command of the devil, which at least was fun, because you go to indulge in the lusts of our flesh (v. 3), but was also occasionally punished by god. But god decided to forgive us by sending his son to be slaughtered alongside criminals, then force you to believe in him, so somehow that makes everything okay? I guess? Also, you can't buy salvation through circumcision.

Because of course we're never finished talking about foreskins. This particular congregation is apparently made up entirely of ex-gentiles and therefore not privy to the wonderous nature of cutting of a little band of flesh. But now they're friends with god, and they don't even have to mutilate themselves.

Chapter 3

Before, gentiles couldn't know god, but now they can, thanks to 'Paul.' Fortunately, this is a short book, because it's super-repetitive.