Chapter 1
This book does not start off strong. We learn too much about Baruch's genealogy, and that he's writing this in Babylon at the same time as the Chaldeans sacked Jerusalem. This book is a transcription of a sermon he gave to someone called Jechonias, the son of Joachim, the king of Juda, and a bunch of nobles and commoners. When they heard the sermon, and we're up to verse 6 with nary a word, they wept and collected money to send to Joachim for rebuilding. Apparently Joachim was left behind while everyone else was carried off to Babylon, where they were allowed to continue to write letters and send money and temple decor. Anyway, in their letter, they instruct Joachim to make sacrifices on their behalf and pray for the life of king Nabuchodonosor of Babylon and crown prince Balthasar. They also want Joachim to read the book aloud. They admit to sinning and disobeying god ever since they left Egypt, which is why they're now in Babylon.
Chapter 2
So they don't really blame god for making their lives miserable by sending plagues and causing them to eat their own children or selling them into slavery. Not so different to these guys today.
And have they learned from all this? Why, no. They continue to sin. But now they want forgiveness. They know they've been told they need to stay in Babylon or god will cause to cease out of the cities of Juda, and from without Jerusalem, the voice of mirth, and the voice of joy, the voice of the bridegroom, and the voice of the bride (v. 23) And you know what happens when you piss off a bride! But it seems something has happened to the bones of their ancestors: they've been cast out onto the ground, because this book is basically a zombie saga, and the temple ruined.
Anyway, they want god to listen to them so they don't end up assimilating into Babylonian society and disappearing as a people. And also, god promised to send them back to Israel at some point and they'd like that to be now, please.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 47-51: 'Wisdomed' out
Chapter 47
Now we hear more about David, who played with lions and bears, which is why he was able to kill Goliath. And of course he never passed up an opportunity to literally sing god's praises. Funnily enough, even though this book was supposedly written by Solomon, he now writes about himself in the third person. He does not forget to praise himself for being wise. He credits god with creating peace so he could build the temple. But of course the good times didn't last and Solomon somehow begat an idiot son called Roboam, who was the first of three bad kings who were all punished.
Chapter 48
All was saved by Elias, who raised the dead and traveled on a whirlwind of fire. His successor was Eliseus, who was unimpressed by princes and whose body kept talking after he died, which is not surprising, considering he never shut up while he as alive. Also, this book has a zombie fixation. Then there were some decent kings and god rewarded them by smiting the Assyrians.
Chapter 49
The next really good king was Josias. All the others were defective somehow, mostly by burning down the temple or the city around it. Then there were a bunch of other kings, the most notable of whom was Neemias, who built the temple again and was honoured for it.
Chapter 50
Next we hear about Simon, a priest in the temple. We get the odd detail that he covered the cistern with brass, but not why that's significant. Further, he was good at sacrifices and preaching.
Chapter 51
The last chapter of this godforsaken book is a prayer by yet another Jesus. He thanks god for giving him wisdom for free.
Now we hear more about David, who played with lions and bears, which is why he was able to kill Goliath. And of course he never passed up an opportunity to literally sing god's praises. Funnily enough, even though this book was supposedly written by Solomon, he now writes about himself in the third person. He does not forget to praise himself for being wise. He credits god with creating peace so he could build the temple. But of course the good times didn't last and Solomon somehow begat an idiot son called Roboam, who was the first of three bad kings who were all punished.
Chapter 48
All was saved by Elias, who raised the dead and traveled on a whirlwind of fire. His successor was Eliseus, who was unimpressed by princes and whose body kept talking after he died, which is not surprising, considering he never shut up while he as alive. Also, this book has a zombie fixation. Then there were some decent kings and god rewarded them by smiting the Assyrians.
Chapter 49
The next really good king was Josias. All the others were defective somehow, mostly by burning down the temple or the city around it. Then there were a bunch of other kings, the most notable of whom was Neemias, who built the temple again and was honoured for it.
Chapter 50
Next we hear about Simon, a priest in the temple. We get the odd detail that he covered the cistern with brass, but not why that's significant. Further, he was good at sacrifices and preaching.
Chapter 51
The last chapter of this godforsaken book is a prayer by yet another Jesus. He thanks god for giving him wisdom for free.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 43-46: Shoe theives
Chapter 43
The sun is awesome, even when it parches the country. Also awesome: the moon, because it tells us when it's feasting time. In fact, Solomon likes everything in the sky: stars, rainbows, snow, clouds, hail, wind, thunder, tornadoes, mist. Solly also likes the sea, especially whales. So we should all worship god.
Chapter 44
Let us now praise famous men, (v. 1) Hey, I read that book! And it isn't very good. See the photos, definitely, but you can skip the book. Anyway, Solomon thinks we should listen to famous men because god gave them their smarts. He also gave them potent sperm that will continue forever. Sol`s most-admired famous men: Enoch, Noah, who was apparently promised that no one else would die in floods, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
Chapter 45
Yawn. Now we`re just going though Genesis and Exodus again. Moses goes up the mountain, blah, blah, blah. Aaron, whom god loved despite the whole golden calf bit. Apparently god gave Aaron pomegranates and lots of fancy clothing. People who insulted Aaron for his frankly gaudy blue and purple silk, were burned to death, because god is nothing if not thin-skinned. Then we hear again about Phineas who I've frankly forgotten, and David.
Chapter 46
Jesus, but probably not the one you`re thinking of, was good in some wars, because he made the sun go back. Oh, is this Joshua? I think that's the guy who stopped the sun in one of the early books. Then we hear about the judges. Apparently we all remember the names of the ones who didn't go whoring and sinning, because we're supposed to bless the rest without being reminded of who they are. Oh, and let their bones flourish out of their place (v. 12). And finally Samuel, who was so honest he never took so much as a shoe (v. 19)
The sun is awesome, even when it parches the country. Also awesome: the moon, because it tells us when it's feasting time. In fact, Solomon likes everything in the sky: stars, rainbows, snow, clouds, hail, wind, thunder, tornadoes, mist. Solly also likes the sea, especially whales. So we should all worship god.
Chapter 44
Let us now praise famous men, (v. 1) Hey, I read that book! And it isn't very good. See the photos, definitely, but you can skip the book. Anyway, Solomon thinks we should listen to famous men because god gave them their smarts. He also gave them potent sperm that will continue forever. Sol`s most-admired famous men: Enoch, Noah, who was apparently promised that no one else would die in floods, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
Chapter 45
Yawn. Now we`re just going though Genesis and Exodus again. Moses goes up the mountain, blah, blah, blah. Aaron, whom god loved despite the whole golden calf bit. Apparently god gave Aaron pomegranates and lots of fancy clothing. People who insulted Aaron for his frankly gaudy blue and purple silk, were burned to death, because god is nothing if not thin-skinned. Then we hear again about Phineas who I've frankly forgotten, and David.
Chapter 46
Jesus, but probably not the one you`re thinking of, was good in some wars, because he made the sun go back. Oh, is this Joshua? I think that's the guy who stopped the sun in one of the early books. Then we hear about the judges. Apparently we all remember the names of the ones who didn't go whoring and sinning, because we're supposed to bless the rest without being reminded of who they are. Oh, and let their bones flourish out of their place (v. 12). And finally Samuel, who was so honest he never took so much as a shoe (v. 19)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 40-42: Elbows out of the meat!
Chapter 40
Here's a cheery thought: your whole life will be filled with sorry and work. Any time you don't spend doing that will be spent imagining and fearing death, being angry or fighting. Everyone, from king to pauper, lives like this. But it's seven times worse for sinners, because they have to deal with death, and bloodshed, strife, and sword, calamities, famine, tribulation, and the scourge; (v. 9) That those things happen to everyone is just a sign of how loose the definition is of 'sinner.'
Anyway, eventually everything dies except good deeds. Also, ungodly people won't have grandchildren and they'll be the first to die. Learning to love your work, and by this I'm pretty sure they mean labour, not graphic design, and to be content with what you have is sweet, but striking it rich is even better. Having kids is also great, but having a virtuous wife is the bestest. Wine and music may be great, but wisdom is even better. Too bad there's so little of it in this book. Pleasant conversation beats them all. Who else thinks the writer never gets drunk and shoots the breeze with his friends?
Wives are better than friends, alms are better than brothers, good advice is better than gold. And of course, love of god is the very greatest. Oh, and death is better than begging.
Chapter 41
Rich people fear death the most because it means losing their stuff. It's fine for the poor or sick or old or depressed. But nobody should fear death unless their parents were sinners, because that's the end of the road for them. What makes one not a sinner? A good name.
Don't hide your wisdom or your treasure. But don't be a whore, and don't lie to the king and for goodness' sake, don't put your elbow in the meat. Also, don't look at harlots or other men's wives or slave girls. And don't tell secrets.
Chapter 42
Don't accept other people's sins. Be fair to travelers and business partners and use correct weights and measures. Tolerate poor customer service, child abuse, and people who hit their slaves so hard they bleed. Keep your wife in check if she's evil. Get contracts in writing. If people are being dumb, call them on it, and everyone will respect you for it.
Fathers care for their daughters, especially their virginity, because without that, everyone will hate them. They can't stop when their daughters get married though, they have to remain vigilant lest they cheat on their husbands and become barren. If your daughter has slut-like tendencies, keep her in or people will laugh at you. Never sit amongst women because they're wicked. It's better to be a churlish man than a courteous woman.
Some things god has given us: the sun, the past, the future, and the steps needed to make discoveries. Also god is perfect and doesn't need advice. We can't see how perfect, because we don't understand. Problem of evil right there, folks.
Here's a cheery thought: your whole life will be filled with sorry and work. Any time you don't spend doing that will be spent imagining and fearing death, being angry or fighting. Everyone, from king to pauper, lives like this. But it's seven times worse for sinners, because they have to deal with death, and bloodshed, strife, and sword, calamities, famine, tribulation, and the scourge; (v. 9) That those things happen to everyone is just a sign of how loose the definition is of 'sinner.'
Anyway, eventually everything dies except good deeds. Also, ungodly people won't have grandchildren and they'll be the first to die. Learning to love your work, and by this I'm pretty sure they mean labour, not graphic design, and to be content with what you have is sweet, but striking it rich is even better. Having kids is also great, but having a virtuous wife is the bestest. Wine and music may be great, but wisdom is even better. Too bad there's so little of it in this book. Pleasant conversation beats them all. Who else thinks the writer never gets drunk and shoots the breeze with his friends?
Wives are better than friends, alms are better than brothers, good advice is better than gold. And of course, love of god is the very greatest. Oh, and death is better than begging.
Chapter 41
Rich people fear death the most because it means losing their stuff. It's fine for the poor or sick or old or depressed. But nobody should fear death unless their parents were sinners, because that's the end of the road for them. What makes one not a sinner? A good name.
Don't hide your wisdom or your treasure. But don't be a whore, and don't lie to the king and for goodness' sake, don't put your elbow in the meat. Also, don't look at harlots or other men's wives or slave girls. And don't tell secrets.
Chapter 42
Don't accept other people's sins. Be fair to travelers and business partners and use correct weights and measures. Tolerate poor customer service, child abuse, and people who hit their slaves so hard they bleed. Keep your wife in check if she's evil. Get contracts in writing. If people are being dumb, call them on it, and everyone will respect you for it.
Fathers care for their daughters, especially their virginity, because without that, everyone will hate them. They can't stop when their daughters get married though, they have to remain vigilant lest they cheat on their husbands and become barren. If your daughter has slut-like tendencies, keep her in or people will laugh at you. Never sit amongst women because they're wicked. It's better to be a churlish man than a courteous woman.
Some things god has given us: the sun, the past, the future, and the steps needed to make discoveries. Also god is perfect and doesn't need advice. We can't see how perfect, because we don't understand. Problem of evil right there, folks.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 38 & 39: Mourn like your dictator just died
Chapter 38
Pay your doctor, because god made him. God certainly didn't give him antibiotics or vaccines, at least not for another 2000 years or so, but oh well. Anyway, kings and great men are supposed to praise their essentially worthless healers and thank god for whatever 'medicines' they were using back then, like water made sweet with wood (v. 5). Apparently, god also gave physicians the skills to take away pain without anesthesia, and the apothecary the tools to make medications.
Of course, if you get sick, you can always just pray and god will help. Even better would be to avoid getting ill in the first place, which is perfectly possible so long as you don't sin, purge evil thoughts from your heart, do your sacrifices, and pay your doctor.
Suddenly in verse 15, the chapter does a complete turn around. It goes from praising doctors as tools of god to saying only sinners need to visit them.
Then just as abruptly, we get mourning instructions. First, you have to cry like a North Korean whose dictator has just died, and for exactly the same reason: lest thou be evil spoken of (v. 17). After a day or two you can bury the body. After that, though, you have to suck it up and get back to living, because excessive mourning is bad for your health.
Then Solomon has some advice for working class people, namely: suck it up. You'll never have social, political or judicial power, but the city can't run without you, so you should work hard so you can get into heaven.
Chapter 39
Now onto the useless gits who sit around all day making prophecies. Well, those people will get to hobknob with princes and travel abroad to tell the rest of us how to live. When they die, we'll remember their names.
Next we're reminded not to question god, because everything happens for a reason and holy people can understand them, but wicked people never will. Also, god has given us everything we need, a list that consists entirely of: water, fire, iron, and salt, flour of wheat, honey, milk, and the blood of grape and oil, and clothing (v. 26). Note that this list does not include proper ventilation, street lighting or shower gel, all of which I personally need and make me so glad I live in the 21st century and not 200 BCE.
And now on to the smiting, because there are evil people out there who can't appreciate all the wonderful things god has provided to believers. Those people will be killed with the same boring, repetitive list of evils they're always being threatened with. And the believers will watch it all and rejoice because people are awful.
Pay your doctor, because god made him. God certainly didn't give him antibiotics or vaccines, at least not for another 2000 years or so, but oh well. Anyway, kings and great men are supposed to praise their essentially worthless healers and thank god for whatever 'medicines' they were using back then, like water made sweet with wood (v. 5). Apparently, god also gave physicians the skills to take away pain without anesthesia, and the apothecary the tools to make medications.
Of course, if you get sick, you can always just pray and god will help. Even better would be to avoid getting ill in the first place, which is perfectly possible so long as you don't sin, purge evil thoughts from your heart, do your sacrifices, and pay your doctor.
Suddenly in verse 15, the chapter does a complete turn around. It goes from praising doctors as tools of god to saying only sinners need to visit them.
Then just as abruptly, we get mourning instructions. First, you have to cry like a North Korean whose dictator has just died, and for exactly the same reason: lest thou be evil spoken of (v. 17). After a day or two you can bury the body. After that, though, you have to suck it up and get back to living, because excessive mourning is bad for your health.
Then Solomon has some advice for working class people, namely: suck it up. You'll never have social, political or judicial power, but the city can't run without you, so you should work hard so you can get into heaven.
Chapter 39
Now onto the useless gits who sit around all day making prophecies. Well, those people will get to hobknob with princes and travel abroad to tell the rest of us how to live. When they die, we'll remember their names.
Next we're reminded not to question god, because everything happens for a reason and holy people can understand them, but wicked people never will. Also, god has given us everything we need, a list that consists entirely of: water, fire, iron, and salt, flour of wheat, honey, milk, and the blood of grape and oil, and clothing (v. 26). Note that this list does not include proper ventilation, street lighting or shower gel, all of which I personally need and make me so glad I live in the 21st century and not 200 BCE.
And now on to the smiting, because there are evil people out there who can't appreciate all the wonderful things god has provided to believers. Those people will be killed with the same boring, repetitive list of evils they're always being threatened with. And the believers will watch it all and rejoice because people are awful.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 35-37: I hate vaguebooking
Chapter 35
Following the law means making offerings. For example, if you follow the commandments, you've made a peace offering. If you do a good turn, you can save your flour. If you donate to charity, you can skip praise sacrifices. Forsaking unrighteousness allows you to skip atonements. Of course, you still need to make sacrifices, and cheerfully, in proportion to your income.
There's more about not giving corrupted gifts and how god will enrich you seven times over if you sacrifice a goat or whatever, and also about how god loves poor people, widows and bastards in equal proportion to how much he loves rich people. Except of course that in any cult, the richest member is also always the most favoured. And of course bad people will be punished. Unless they're rich.
Chapter 36
Solomon challenges god to let the strange nations (v. 3) see his power. He wants some signs that god is actually up there, preferably in the form of smiting. He'd also like his rival kings' heads chopped off. He also praises righteous women, but urges men to grow hedges around their property, lest said virtuous women forget for a second. Finally, he tells us not to trust homeless people.
Chapter 37
Don't you hate it when a friend turns into an enemy? Also, be wary of consellors, because they're all after something. And don't advise people who are jealous of you, or take advice from a woman who is jealous of your wife. Don't consult with cowards on war. Actually, the ONLY person I'd want consulting me on a war is a coward. The list goes on for much longer, but the basic message is: avoid talking to people with agendas. Which is everybody. Stop vaguebooking, Solomon, and just spill on whoever betrayed you.
So who should you trust? Yourself, and other godly people. Finally, don't eat too much meat or you might get cholera.
Following the law means making offerings. For example, if you follow the commandments, you've made a peace offering. If you do a good turn, you can save your flour. If you donate to charity, you can skip praise sacrifices. Forsaking unrighteousness allows you to skip atonements. Of course, you still need to make sacrifices, and cheerfully, in proportion to your income.
There's more about not giving corrupted gifts and how god will enrich you seven times over if you sacrifice a goat or whatever, and also about how god loves poor people, widows and bastards in equal proportion to how much he loves rich people. Except of course that in any cult, the richest member is also always the most favoured. And of course bad people will be punished. Unless they're rich.
Chapter 36
Solomon challenges god to let the strange nations (v. 3) see his power. He wants some signs that god is actually up there, preferably in the form of smiting. He'd also like his rival kings' heads chopped off. He also praises righteous women, but urges men to grow hedges around their property, lest said virtuous women forget for a second. Finally, he tells us not to trust homeless people.
Chapter 37
Don't you hate it when a friend turns into an enemy? Also, be wary of consellors, because they're all after something. And don't advise people who are jealous of you, or take advice from a woman who is jealous of your wife. Don't consult with cowards on war. Actually, the ONLY person I'd want consulting me on a war is a coward. The list goes on for much longer, but the basic message is: avoid talking to people with agendas. Which is everybody. Stop vaguebooking, Solomon, and just spill on whoever betrayed you.
So who should you trust? Yourself, and other godly people. Finally, don't eat too much meat or you might get cholera.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Ecclesiasticus Chapters 33 & 34: Would your brother run away?
Chapter 33
No bad things will happen to true believers. Wise men love the law, and trust it, and it loves them back, but it will make hypocrites feel like ships in a storm. Foolish people's minds are like cart wheels.
Stallions are terrible friends that complain whenever you ride them. The very next verse asks why some days are awesome even though all the light comes from the sun? What? Oh, because god made seasons and feasts, and holidays are naturally better than other days, especially when you get to get drunk.
Next we are reminded that men come from dirt and god made them very diverse. He likes some, but not others, because he's a potter, just not a very good one, because he isn't very consistent.
Solomon is not a morning person, but by getting up late, he gleaned the fields after the grape pickers. God liked that for whatever reason, so people bought his wine. He doesn't do this for himself, mind, he wants to help the intellectually curious. Not by giving them clear instructions, of course. So now, even though he just told us a couple of chapters ago to lend people money if they asked for it in the full knowledge that you won't get it back, he now instructs us not to give our stuff away in case we need it again in the future. Also, if you give your stuff to your kids too early, you end up a King Lear.
Now he moves on to the care and feeding of property. See, there are a lot of similarities between donkeys and slaves: both need food, whipping and work. And you really need to work your slave, otherwise he'll start thinking about liberty. If he's disobedient, give him more work. But not excessive work. You did pay for him. And of course you're supposed to explain all of this in terms of brotherhood: you need your slave like you need your brother. Though if your brother runs away, you wouldn't normally seek him with the police.
Chapter 34
Fools take their dreams literally. Unclean things can't be cleansed. No truth can come from falsehood. Divination is stupid. Only receive visitors from god. The law, which in its current form allows men to 'study' on state welfare for 20 years (conveniently, until exactly the age one is considered too old for military service) while their wives have 8 or more children and have to spend a week each month in a separate 'menstruation hut', is perfect. Traveling makes you wise.
Solomon understands better than he speaks. He traveled a lot, and faced death many times. Alas, not before he wrote this book. He didn't die because he's a true believer and god protects true believers.
Don't sacrifice fenced animals. That's fenced as in 'stolen property' not as in 'was behind a fence.' God doesn't like offerings made by wicked people, repeat sinners or those who have fleeced the poor, which is the same as killing a son in front of his father. Even though we've just heard that god made all shades of humanity, including the poor, and one presumes he could make their lives less precarious by say, giving them more money or just not inventing scoundrels.
No bad things will happen to true believers. Wise men love the law, and trust it, and it loves them back, but it will make hypocrites feel like ships in a storm. Foolish people's minds are like cart wheels.
Stallions are terrible friends that complain whenever you ride them. The very next verse asks why some days are awesome even though all the light comes from the sun? What? Oh, because god made seasons and feasts, and holidays are naturally better than other days, especially when you get to get drunk.
Next we are reminded that men come from dirt and god made them very diverse. He likes some, but not others, because he's a potter, just not a very good one, because he isn't very consistent.
Solomon is not a morning person, but by getting up late, he gleaned the fields after the grape pickers. God liked that for whatever reason, so people bought his wine. He doesn't do this for himself, mind, he wants to help the intellectually curious. Not by giving them clear instructions, of course. So now, even though he just told us a couple of chapters ago to lend people money if they asked for it in the full knowledge that you won't get it back, he now instructs us not to give our stuff away in case we need it again in the future. Also, if you give your stuff to your kids too early, you end up a King Lear.
Now he moves on to the care and feeding of property. See, there are a lot of similarities between donkeys and slaves: both need food, whipping and work. And you really need to work your slave, otherwise he'll start thinking about liberty. If he's disobedient, give him more work. But not excessive work. You did pay for him. And of course you're supposed to explain all of this in terms of brotherhood: you need your slave like you need your brother. Though if your brother runs away, you wouldn't normally seek him with the police.
Chapter 34
Fools take their dreams literally. Unclean things can't be cleansed. No truth can come from falsehood. Divination is stupid. Only receive visitors from god. The law, which in its current form allows men to 'study' on state welfare for 20 years (conveniently, until exactly the age one is considered too old for military service) while their wives have 8 or more children and have to spend a week each month in a separate 'menstruation hut', is perfect. Traveling makes you wise.
Solomon understands better than he speaks. He traveled a lot, and faced death many times. Alas, not before he wrote this book. He didn't die because he's a true believer and god protects true believers.
Don't sacrifice fenced animals. That's fenced as in 'stolen property' not as in 'was behind a fence.' God doesn't like offerings made by wicked people, repeat sinners or those who have fleeced the poor, which is the same as killing a son in front of his father. Even though we've just heard that god made all shades of humanity, including the poor, and one presumes he could make their lives less precarious by say, giving them more money or just not inventing scoundrels.
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