God starts off with some further instructions about offerings: now they have to offer wine along with the bread and meat. I guess Aaron was getting thirsty. Also, the bigger the animal sacrificed, the greater the portion of bread that must be given. That also makes sense: if you're going to make sandwiches from an entire ox, you need more bread than if it was, say, a lamb. God also tells Moses to go easy on those who commit crimes out of ignorance.
Then... bam! A man is caught gathering sticks on the sabbath. Can you believe it? He was cold or wanted to warm up some soup, and he couldn't wait until sundown! They bring him to Moses and Aaron, who ask god what to do. In all his merciful wisdom, god's advice is: stone him to death. So they do. Of course, Jerry has nothing to say about this, because he knows that many of his followers work at Wal-Mart or other places that are open on Sundays, and it's pretty hard to get the day off, and if he did say something, he'd be interpreting.
But that bit only took 4 verses, and apparently god wasn't happy with the length of this chapter yet, so he tacks on some instructions about putting fringes on the edges of your garments. The Dutch take this instruction very, very seriously. They will put fringes on literally anything, including other fringes. You're to hold it in place with blue ribbon.
This chapter definitely shows us something about god's thought process, eh? First off, some clarifications about sacrifices, namely Aaron is thirsty and wants you to bring wine, mmmkay? Hey wait! Stone that guy to death! Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes. Put fringes on your garments...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Numbers, Chapter 14
The Israelites are whining again some more and decide to return to Egypt. Moses and Aaron prostrate themselves before them, and Joshua and Caleb try to argue for taking the land that was promised them, saying the Canaanites will be defenseless in the face of god. The people decide to stone Joshua and Caleb. Heh.
God, despite having promised Noah that he wouldn't kill everybody anymore, offers to kill them and let Moses start over with a new people. Moses convinces him not to with the old argument that the Egyptians and Canaanites will say he wasn't able to lead his people so he killed them instead. He flatters god, saying The LORD is long-suffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation (v. 18). Nobody, not god, not Moses, not Jerry Falwell, takes note of the irony of that verse, a 'merciful' god that punishes you for stuff your great-grandfather did.
God is convinced not to kill everybody, just the people over 20. He also decides to save Caleb's and Joshua's clans. His method will be to send them into the wilderness for 40 years, because the spies stayed 40 days. Yup, that's showing them mercy, all right.
As for the spies themselves? Well, they die of plague. The people hear about this and decide to go get Canaan right now. They attack over Moses' protests that god isn't with them, and get their stupid asses killed.
God, despite having promised Noah that he wouldn't kill everybody anymore, offers to kill them and let Moses start over with a new people. Moses convinces him not to with the old argument that the Egyptians and Canaanites will say he wasn't able to lead his people so he killed them instead. He flatters god, saying The LORD is long-suffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation (v. 18). Nobody, not god, not Moses, not Jerry Falwell, takes note of the irony of that verse, a 'merciful' god that punishes you for stuff your great-grandfather did.
God is convinced not to kill everybody, just the people over 20. He also decides to save Caleb's and Joshua's clans. His method will be to send them into the wilderness for 40 years, because the spies stayed 40 days. Yup, that's showing them mercy, all right.
As for the spies themselves? Well, they die of plague. The people hear about this and decide to go get Canaan right now. They attack over Moses' protests that god isn't with them, and get their stupid asses killed.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Numbers Chapters 12 & 13
Chapter 12
Miriam and Aaron complain about Moses' new Ethiopian wife. She's black, ya'll. They want equal pay for equal work. Verse 3 says Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.There are a lot of words I would use to describe Moses, and meek is not among them. Authoritarian, dictator, tyrant, despot. I might use those words. But certainly not meek. Also, he's the author, mind, and clearly not a reliable narrator.
God humours them a bit and tells them to come to the temple. He tells them if they have a prophet, he'll speak to him in a vision. He says he speaks face to face with Moses, and asks why they weren't afraid to criticize him. God gets angry and leaves, but not before cursing Miriam with a disease that turns her skin white. Aaron diagnoses leprosy. He begs Moses' forgiveness and asks him to heal her. Moses in turn asks god, who tells him to exile her for seven days, delaying the trip to Paran.
Now, why doesn't Aaron get punished? He also escaped scot-free from the golden calf incident. And also, in Exodus 34, god forbids intermarriage, so why is Moses allowed to do it?
Chapter 13
God tells Moses to send someone from each tribe to spy on Canaan. They're to report on the people, arable land and natural resources. He also tells them to steal grapes if possible. They go and find the children of Anak, or the Nephilim, the children of angels and earthly women, who are giants. This was mentioned in Genesis, and was part of the reason for the flood, which nothing but what Noah had on the ark is supposed to have survived, but of course Jerry glosses over that fact. They also bring back a grape vine so big it takes two of them to carry it, as well as some other fruit.
They come back 40 days later and report that it is indeed a land of milk and honey, but the people are strong and live in fortified cities. Caleb wants to attack right away. The others are reluctant, and report that the land is full of giants and there have been many wars over the bountiful soil. You're telling me.
Miriam and Aaron complain about Moses' new Ethiopian wife. She's black, ya'll. They want equal pay for equal work. Verse 3 says Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.There are a lot of words I would use to describe Moses, and meek is not among them. Authoritarian, dictator, tyrant, despot. I might use those words. But certainly not meek. Also, he's the author, mind, and clearly not a reliable narrator.
God humours them a bit and tells them to come to the temple. He tells them if they have a prophet, he'll speak to him in a vision. He says he speaks face to face with Moses, and asks why they weren't afraid to criticize him. God gets angry and leaves, but not before cursing Miriam with a disease that turns her skin white. Aaron diagnoses leprosy. He begs Moses' forgiveness and asks him to heal her. Moses in turn asks god, who tells him to exile her for seven days, delaying the trip to Paran.
Now, why doesn't Aaron get punished? He also escaped scot-free from the golden calf incident. And also, in Exodus 34, god forbids intermarriage, so why is Moses allowed to do it?
Chapter 13
God tells Moses to send someone from each tribe to spy on Canaan. They're to report on the people, arable land and natural resources. He also tells them to steal grapes if possible. They go and find the children of Anak, or the Nephilim, the children of angels and earthly women, who are giants. This was mentioned in Genesis, and was part of the reason for the flood, which nothing but what Noah had on the ark is supposed to have survived, but of course Jerry glosses over that fact. They also bring back a grape vine so big it takes two of them to carry it, as well as some other fruit.
They come back 40 days later and report that it is indeed a land of milk and honey, but the people are strong and live in fortified cities. Caleb wants to attack right away. The others are reluctant, and report that the land is full of giants and there have been many wars over the bountiful soil. You're telling me.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Numbers 10 & 11
Chapter 10
Moses is instructed to make silver trumpets to call people together. He's given instructions on how to use them: when both are blown, it's worship time, if only one is blown, the tribal leaders are to gather, one alarm: the eastern army, two alarms: southern army is to gather. Aaron and his sons are the chief trumpeters. If they are attacked, they can trumpet for god. Other occasions for trumpeting: feasts, funerals, the first day of the month, over burnt and peace offerings.
New story: One day, the cloud lifts from the temple and goes to Paran. They leave in tribal order, taking the tabernacle. Only Hobab, Moses' brother-in-law, doesn't want to go, preferring to return to Midian. Moses tries to convince him to stay, flattering his knowledge of desert camping, and promises him divine rewards. Moses also asks god to scatter their enemies in their wake.
Chapter 11
If you don't want to read, you can watch a summary of this chapter here. Note the Christian responders, who can only say 'You're taking this story out of context!' as he describes the entire chapter. Also note they don't provide any context themselves.
Some people start complaining and god burns them to death. Jerry insists it was only the shrubs or possibly the tents, but the text says the fire of the LORD burn among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp (v. 1) and this is the definitive version, as far as many of his ilk are concerned. They complain to Moses, who asks god to stop.
Next, they bitch about not having any meat or fresh vegetables, onlyelven bread manna. Moses is also frustrated, and asks god for meat for the people. God tells him to gather 70 tribal elders for a chat. He also promises meat the next day, and every day for the next month, until they're sick of it. Moses makes sure to get a promise that god won't slaughter all their animals or overfish.
Moses gathers the leaders, but two of them, Eldad and Medad stay behind and start prophesying. A snitch tells Moses what's happening. Joshua asks Moses to forbid it, but Moses says he wishes more people were prophets, because he's tired of it. They go back to camp.
The next day, quails fly in from the sea in great numbers and start dropping dead around the camp. The people gather them, and as they're eating them, god unleashes a plague on the worst of them. The Israelites call the place Kibroth-hattaavah and then leave for a place called Hazeroth. For those of you keeping track, that would be two mass killings in one chapter.
Moses is instructed to make silver trumpets to call people together. He's given instructions on how to use them: when both are blown, it's worship time, if only one is blown, the tribal leaders are to gather, one alarm: the eastern army, two alarms: southern army is to gather. Aaron and his sons are the chief trumpeters. If they are attacked, they can trumpet for god. Other occasions for trumpeting: feasts, funerals, the first day of the month, over burnt and peace offerings.
New story: One day, the cloud lifts from the temple and goes to Paran. They leave in tribal order, taking the tabernacle. Only Hobab, Moses' brother-in-law, doesn't want to go, preferring to return to Midian. Moses tries to convince him to stay, flattering his knowledge of desert camping, and promises him divine rewards. Moses also asks god to scatter their enemies in their wake.
Chapter 11
If you don't want to read, you can watch a summary of this chapter here. Note the Christian responders, who can only say 'You're taking this story out of context!' as he describes the entire chapter. Also note they don't provide any context themselves.
Some people start complaining and god burns them to death. Jerry insists it was only the shrubs or possibly the tents, but the text says the fire of the LORD burn among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp (v. 1) and this is the definitive version, as far as many of his ilk are concerned. They complain to Moses, who asks god to stop.
Next, they bitch about not having any meat or fresh vegetables, only
Moses gathers the leaders, but two of them, Eldad and Medad stay behind and start prophesying. A snitch tells Moses what's happening. Joshua asks Moses to forbid it, but Moses says he wishes more people were prophets, because he's tired of it. They go back to camp.
The next day, quails fly in from the sea in great numbers and start dropping dead around the camp. The people gather them, and as they're eating them, god unleashes a plague on the worst of them. The Israelites call the place Kibroth-hattaavah and then leave for a place called Hazeroth. For those of you keeping track, that would be two mass killings in one chapter.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Numbers, Chapters 6-9
Chapter 6
The Nazarites were the Israelite equivalent of Buddhist monks and nuns, apparently. It was normally temporary, and the vows were taken in expectation of wish fulfillment. They had to stay away from all grape products, and couldn't cut their hair. They also had to stay away from all dead bodies, even close family members. If someone does die nearby, they have to shave their heads and make sacrifices. Likewise when they finish their sojourn, they have to make a sacrifice and shave. The reward is, they can drink again.
Chapter 7
After Moses sets up the tabernacle, the princes of Israel show up with money and sacrificial animals. Each one sacrifices a bullock, a ram, a lamb and a kid goat, then 2 oxen, 5 rams, 5 lambs, goats and rams. That is a lot of meat. Must have been one hell of a barbecue. At the end, Moses hears a voice coming from the Mercy Seat but it is not identified.
Chapter 8
God tells Moses to tell Aaron to light the candles. Then the Levites have to take a bath, shave all their body hair, and do laundry. Oh yeah, we're back on laundry. Then they have to sacrifice two bullocks. He says they are now his, because of the whole firstborn thing in Egypt and how he gave back the first-born Israelites so he could have all the Levites instead. So all Levites have to do temple service from ages 25 to 50.
Chapter 9
God reminds the Israelites to celebrate Passover. The cemetery workers' union demands to be let in, and it is decided that they, along with the Teamsters (or, if you prefer, men who are on a journey) can celebrate too, but a month later. Strangers can also celebrate the holiday.
Then, in a total non-sequitur, god appears as a cloud again, and starts playing keep-away with them. If the cloud left, they had to move. If it was there in the morning, they could stay. The first and last time in history that people prayed for foggy days.
The Nazarites were the Israelite equivalent of Buddhist monks and nuns, apparently. It was normally temporary, and the vows were taken in expectation of wish fulfillment. They had to stay away from all grape products, and couldn't cut their hair. They also had to stay away from all dead bodies, even close family members. If someone does die nearby, they have to shave their heads and make sacrifices. Likewise when they finish their sojourn, they have to make a sacrifice and shave. The reward is, they can drink again.
Chapter 7
After Moses sets up the tabernacle, the princes of Israel show up with money and sacrificial animals. Each one sacrifices a bullock, a ram, a lamb and a kid goat, then 2 oxen, 5 rams, 5 lambs, goats and rams. That is a lot of meat. Must have been one hell of a barbecue. At the end, Moses hears a voice coming from the Mercy Seat but it is not identified.
Chapter 8
God tells Moses to tell Aaron to light the candles. Then the Levites have to take a bath, shave all their body hair, and do laundry. Oh yeah, we're back on laundry. Then they have to sacrifice two bullocks. He says they are now his, because of the whole firstborn thing in Egypt and how he gave back the first-born Israelites so he could have all the Levites instead. So all Levites have to do temple service from ages 25 to 50.
Chapter 9
God reminds the Israelites to celebrate Passover. The cemetery workers' union demands to be let in, and it is decided that they, along with the Teamsters (or, if you prefer, men who are on a journey) can celebrate too, but a month later. Strangers can also celebrate the holiday.
Then, in a total non-sequitur, god appears as a cloud again, and starts playing keep-away with them. If the cloud left, they had to move. If it was there in the morning, they could stay. The first and last time in history that people prayed for foggy days.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Numbers 4 & 5
Chapter 4
Is a packing list. Aaron and his sons have to wrap all the sacred objects up, then the Kohathites have to carry it. If they look at anything, they die. Other tribes have to carry the poles and the curtains. It's that exciting.
Chapter 5
Off the census and onto rules. Lepers and other people with running sores have to be exiled. Nice compassionate god there, eh? Jerry says it's because god was in the camp, so things had to be clean. People who have sinned have to confess and give back anything they stole, plus 20 percent and a ram.
Women who commit adultery are impure, even if they don't get caught. If a man suspects his wife of adultery, he can take her to the priest and make a jealousy offering of barley meal. Then the priest brings the woman in front of god, mixes some holy water (possibly a euphemism for sperm!) with floor dirt, and then she has to drink it. If she's innocent, it won't hurt her, and she'll have children, but if she's guilty, she'll be infertile. There is no punishment for the jealous husband, whether he's a cuckold or not. Nor are there repercussions for unfaithful men.
Okay, first of all, this sounds a lot like magic to me, making a woman drink muddy jism and seeing if it hurts her. Jerry's down with it because it's god, but I'm not. At least it probably won't kill her, unlike say witch dunking. Second, why does an omniscient god need to go through this elaborate ritual to find out if she cheated or not?
Is a packing list. Aaron and his sons have to wrap all the sacred objects up, then the Kohathites have to carry it. If they look at anything, they die. Other tribes have to carry the poles and the curtains. It's that exciting.
Chapter 5
Off the census and onto rules. Lepers and other people with running sores have to be exiled. Nice compassionate god there, eh? Jerry says it's because god was in the camp, so things had to be clean. People who have sinned have to confess and give back anything they stole, plus 20 percent and a ram.
Women who commit adultery are impure, even if they don't get caught. If a man suspects his wife of adultery, he can take her to the priest and make a jealousy offering of barley meal. Then the priest brings the woman in front of god, mixes some holy water (possibly a euphemism for sperm!) with floor dirt, and then she has to drink it. If she's innocent, it won't hurt her, and she'll have children, but if she's guilty, she'll be infertile. There is no punishment for the jealous husband, whether he's a cuckold or not. Nor are there repercussions for unfaithful men.
Okay, first of all, this sounds a lot like magic to me, making a woman drink muddy jism and seeing if it hurts her. Jerry's down with it because it's god, but I'm not. At least it probably won't kill her, unlike say witch dunking. Second, why does an omniscient god need to go through this elaborate ritual to find out if she cheated or not?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Numbers 1-3
I'm guessing that Michele Bachmann has never read this book, for all that she claims to be a bible-reading Christian, because it deals with the first census.
Chapter 1
It's a year after they left Egypt, and God suddenly feels a war coming on. He tells Moses and Aaron to take some tribal leaders and find out how many men over the age of 20 there are. In total there are 603 550 adult males. How many armies today are that size? Up from a total population of 70 just 400 years ago. So in those 400 years, every woman would have had to give birth to 51 children with no deaths in order to produce these figures. Jerry, of course, pronounces them accurate and attributes it to god's bountifulness.
The Levites don't have to join the army, because they're needed in the tabernacle, and also to kill any foreigners that try to enter the temple. So much for that 'brotherhood of man' stuff from Leviticus.
Chapter 2
The tribes are enumerated again, told to make a standard for themselves, and where to camp.
Chapter 3
The census of the Levites. We are reminded that two of Aaron's sons died for using the wrong incense and he has two surviving. The rest of them are to become temple employees, especially security guards. Moses is ordered to count all the Levite males over 1 month old. We then get a list of how many Levites there were in each family, and what their specific tasks were to be in tabernacle care and upkeep. Altogether, there are 22 000 of them. Now, a while ago, god said all the firstborns were his. Now he changes his mind and decides the Levites are his instead. Problem: there are 22 273 first-borns, and only 22 000 Levites. Never one to turn down a money-making opportunity, god decides that the other 273 first-borns can 'redeem' themselves for 5 shekels, which will be given to Aaron. Apparently non-Levite Jews still give this money to the temple for their first-born sons.
Chapter 1
It's a year after they left Egypt, and God suddenly feels a war coming on. He tells Moses and Aaron to take some tribal leaders and find out how many men over the age of 20 there are. In total there are 603 550 adult males. How many armies today are that size? Up from a total population of 70 just 400 years ago. So in those 400 years, every woman would have had to give birth to 51 children with no deaths in order to produce these figures. Jerry, of course, pronounces them accurate and attributes it to god's bountifulness.
The Levites don't have to join the army, because they're needed in the tabernacle, and also to kill any foreigners that try to enter the temple. So much for that 'brotherhood of man' stuff from Leviticus.
Chapter 2
The tribes are enumerated again, told to make a standard for themselves, and where to camp.
Chapter 3
The census of the Levites. We are reminded that two of Aaron's sons died for using the wrong incense and he has two surviving. The rest of them are to become temple employees, especially security guards. Moses is ordered to count all the Levite males over 1 month old. We then get a list of how many Levites there were in each family, and what their specific tasks were to be in tabernacle care and upkeep. Altogether, there are 22 000 of them. Now, a while ago, god said all the firstborns were his. Now he changes his mind and decides the Levites are his instead. Problem: there are 22 273 first-borns, and only 22 000 Levites. Never one to turn down a money-making opportunity, god decides that the other 273 first-borns can 'redeem' themselves for 5 shekels, which will be given to Aaron. Apparently non-Levite Jews still give this money to the temple for their first-born sons.
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