Tuesday, February 11, 2014

2 Esdras, Chapter 6: 13 month pregnancies for all!

Before he made earth and it all turned to shit, god thought about all the questions he asked that Esdras couldn't answer. That's why he was too busy to give us things like vaccines or nitrogen fixation, see. And then he made the universe so he can blow it up at some unspecified future date. Esdras wants him to be more specific, but god replies with something vague about Jacob and Esau and tries to end the conversation.

Esdras, never one to know when he isn't wanted, now wants to know if god likes him. Actually, these two are perfect for each other, because they're both so annoyingly needy. They should just sign up on Between and leave the rest of us alone. Except that god was too busy pondering how to let the wind out or paint a voice to invent it for the next 4000 years or so. And of course, he won't let go of the end of the world question.

God tells Esdras to stand up, and he'll make a sound as loud as an earthquake, except the ground won't be shaking. So Esdras stands up and there's a voice and it promises it's close by and it will visit soon so it can judge everyone and destroy Zion. Afterwards, books will appear int he sky and everyone will understand, and babies will speak and women's pregnancies will be extended by 4 months, but there won't be any food. There will be trumpets of fear, however, which will make people fight their friends and fountains dry up. Those who survive will like it, because there won't be any evil or lying, and everyone will be faithful. The angel stops there and tells him to pray and fast for another 7 days, which now makes it 21 days since Esdras has eaten, so it's no wonder these fantasies are getting wilder and wilder. The angel also assures Esdras that god likes him because he's still a virgin.

After another week, Esdras wakes up again in the middle of the night with his spirit on fire. He recaps the beginning of Genesis for us, and concludes that most people aren't worth a bucket of warm spit, but they're in charge anyway, and the good guys are enslaved. So now he has a new round of questions, namely why aren't the Israelites in charge, and when will they be?

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