Monday, April 8, 2013

Revelation, Chapters 19-22: Kitchen Nightmares

The last four chapters. Feels good to be almost free.

Chapter 19

 A great chorus of alleluias starts up in heaven because Jesus has judged the whore. The elders and animals get on the floor and worship god. The throne talks. Your typical acid trip, in other words. We're told that the Lord God omnipotent reigneth (v. 6) though not what the answer to the Problem of Evil is. Also, Jesus is getting married! And TMI, his fiancee is getting ready for her wedding night. Jesus invites John to the wedding, since it's the decent thing to do. John falls down to worship big J, but Jesus tells him it isn't necessary as they're equals. 

Now John looks up into heaven and sees a white horse being ridden by another incarnation of Jesus who has come along to judge and make war (v. 11). His eyes are aflame, he's wearing a bunch of crowns and bloody clothes, has a sword sticking out of his mouth and he has a secret name, though on his clothing and thighs his mother has thoughtfully written KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS (v. 16) so no one will take them by accident at summer camp. He's followed by an army in clean clothes. 

Somewhere else in heaven, an angel is inviting all the birds to god's supper, which will consist of dead kings and horses. He also sees the beast and its armies nearby. The beast and a false prophet are taken captive and cast into a lake of fire. Jesus kills the rest and the birds eat.

Chapter 20

An angel comes along with the key to the bottomless pit and puts Satan in for a thousand years. After that, they'll let him out for a bit. John also sees the souls of martyrs, which are given thrones and allowed to reign in heaven for the same thousand years. The other dead people will need to stay that way for the same amount of time. Then they'll be resurrected and will get their turn at being gods for a thousand years. Satan will be let out of prison after the second thousand years and will go on fooling people, whom god will set on fire. The devil will be cast into the lake with the beast and the prophet. 

John now sees Jesus sitting on another throne the book of life. The dead are all lined up in front of him, including people who died at sea and people who were in hell, and he looks them up to see what it says about them. Death and Hell are personified so they can be thrown into the lake, along with anyone whose name isn't in the book.

Chapter 21

Now there's a new heaven and earth, but no sea. There's also a new Jerusalem with a new temple that god will live in. Then there will be no death or pain or resultant crying. Then god sits for a minute and says he's done and offers everyone a glass of water. He also tells us that even in this perfect new world there will still be assholes, and he'll still send them to the lake of fire. 

Now one of the angels approaches John and offers to show him the bride in a way that is not at all creepy. He shows him the new Jerusalem, which is all soft-lit and shot through a fuzzy lens. It now has a wall with 12 gates, one for each tribe. There are 12 foundation stones, one for each apostle. The angel has a ruler because the bible is obsessed with measuring things, and he also points out, in minute detail, every single gemstone used in construction of this Putin's Palace. It has no natural lighting, because it's a casino god's glow is enough. Anyone who is saved is welcome and the gates will never be shut because there will be no night time, which begs the question of why they have gates, then, but that isn't explained.

Chapter 22

God's throne is also the source of a river which flows down the main street of Jerusalem. A tree of life is planted on either side. It yields a crop every month that can be used to heal nations. There will be no curses, we'll see god's face, and we'll all have his name tattooed on our foreheads. This will all be happening very, very soon.

John reiterates that he really saw all this and worships the angel, who tells him to save his energies for god. He also tells him not to seal the scroll because again, this will all be happening any day now. Jesus reminds us that he's a descendent of David and invites all the righteous to come to Jerusalem for a drink. We're also told not to add or subtract anything from the bible, or god will curse us. He promises one last time to come real soon.

Done! I wish I could say it's been fun, but I can't.

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