Chapter 9
The fifth angel blows his trumpet and a star falls to earth, where it is given a key to the bottomless pit (v. 1). He (or maybe she? It's quite hard to identify a star's gender) turns the key in the lock and opens the door, which emits a giant belch of smoke that blocks out the sun and moon. Locusts fly out of the smoke and are given the power of scorpions. They're told to leave the grass and trees alone and to focus their rage solely on the humans who don't have god's seal of approval on their foreheads. They're also instructed not to kill the non-marked people, just to torture them with scorpion stings for five months. They're promised that the men will want to die, but won't be able to. John gets a closer look at the locust/scorpions, and sees that they look like battle horses wearing crowns and with the faces of men, hair of women, lion's teeth and scorpion stingers. They're wearing breastplates and their wings sound like chariots.
The locusts have a king, Abaddon on Hebrew or Apollyon in Greek, or 'The Destroyer' in English, because this book can never, ever be subtle.
The sixth angel sounds and one of the horns on the altar starts speaking. It tells the angel to let four other angels who are currently imprisoned in the Euphrates river out. The angels have a year, a month, a day and an hour to kill a third of the people on earth, so clearly they need an army of 200 000 horsemen, mounted on horses wearing breastplates of fire, and of jacinth, and brimstone (v. 17) and with the heads of lions that breathe fire, smoke and brimstone and bitey snakes for tails. With all this in place, they run around and kill a third of the populace. The non-believers who don't die also refuse to repent.
Chapter 10
Yet another angel flies in, this one wearing cloud clothing and a rainbow hat. His face is as bright as the sun and his feet are pillars of fire. He lands with one foot in the sea and the other on land. He's holding a little book. He opens his mouth to speak and roars like a lion. When he stops, John goes to write what he said down, but only gets as far as raise show dogs before the angel tells him to keep what he said a secret. Then he raises his hands to heaven and swears that time stops now. He also says that when the seventh angel blows his trumpet, it will be the fulfillment of god's plan. God then speaks and tells John to go take the book from the angel. He does, and the angel instructs him to eat it, but promises it will taste like honey but eventually give him a tummy-ache, because paper is indigestible.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Revelation, Chapters 7 & 8: Nightmare at 20 000 feet
When I was about 5, I snuck into the room while my parents were watching The Twilight Zone: The Movie, probably exactly when this clip was playing. It took me years to get over it.
Chapter 7
John now sees the four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding on to the wind, keeping it off the earth. A fifth angel starts rising in the east and tells the other four that he's just going to quickly mark god's 144 000 best christians(12 000 from each Israelite tribe) so they're safe from harm, and then they can start destroying everything.
Then John notices that a large crowd has gathered around the Jesus lamb, all dressed in white and carrying palm fronds. The angels give up on world destruction and also come over to worship the lamb. One of the elders is getting a bit senile and asks John who the people in white are, but then he remembers they're martyrs and they've washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb (v. 14). Now they live in heaven, safe from famine, thirst and skin cancer.
Chapter 8
The Jesus lamb opens the seventh seal and for half an hour, there is blessed silence. But then someone gives the seven angels trumpets. An eighth angel flies up to the altar carrying a censer full of incense and starts praying for the saints. Then he fills the censer with fire from the altar and throws it down to earth, which causes people to start shrieking again, as well as a thunderstorm and an earthquake.
By now, the trumpeter angels have finished warming up. The first one blows his horn and a mix of hail, fire and blood falls to earth, burning a third of the trees and all of the grass. The second angel toots his own horn and a burning mountain falls into the sea, turning a third of it into blood, killing a third of the sea life and sinking a third of the ships. The third angel's trumpet causes a star to fall out of the sky and destroy a third of the rivers and fountains. This particular star is called Wormwood and it also poisons the water. The fourth angel's trumpeting is so bad it kills a third of the sun, moon and stars and kills a third of the day. The action is cut off by yet another angel flying through the air crying out woe to the people, because we haven't heard the other 3 trumpets yet.
Chapter 7
John now sees the four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding on to the wind, keeping it off the earth. A fifth angel starts rising in the east and tells the other four that he's just going to quickly mark god's 144 000 best christians(12 000 from each Israelite tribe) so they're safe from harm, and then they can start destroying everything.
Then John notices that a large crowd has gathered around the Jesus lamb, all dressed in white and carrying palm fronds. The angels give up on world destruction and also come over to worship the lamb. One of the elders is getting a bit senile and asks John who the people in white are, but then he remembers they're martyrs and they've washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb (v. 14). Now they live in heaven, safe from famine, thirst and skin cancer.
Chapter 8
The Jesus lamb opens the seventh seal and for half an hour, there is blessed silence. But then someone gives the seven angels trumpets. An eighth angel flies up to the altar carrying a censer full of incense and starts praying for the saints. Then he fills the censer with fire from the altar and throws it down to earth, which causes people to start shrieking again, as well as a thunderstorm and an earthquake.
By now, the trumpeter angels have finished warming up. The first one blows his horn and a mix of hail, fire and blood falls to earth, burning a third of the trees and all of the grass. The second angel toots his own horn and a burning mountain falls into the sea, turning a third of it into blood, killing a third of the sea life and sinking a third of the ships. The third angel's trumpet causes a star to fall out of the sky and destroy a third of the rivers and fountains. This particular star is called Wormwood and it also poisons the water. The fourth angel's trumpeting is so bad it kills a third of the sun, moon and stars and kills a third of the day. The action is cut off by yet another angel flying through the air crying out woe to the people, because we haven't heard the other 3 trumpets yet.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Revelation, Chapters 5 & 6: Dreamweaver
Chapter 5
God picks up a book with seven seals binding it shut. Suddenly an angel starts shrieking Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof? (v. 2) No one can, which causes John to cry. One of the old dudes in the chairs assures him that Jesus can open the book.
Next, a dead lamb appears in the middle of the floor. It has seven horns and seven eyes, because it represents the seven spirits of god. It takes the book and the old dudes and the animals all start worshiping it. Now they have harps and censers and they sing about Jesus and the book.
John realises that there are more things in the room as millions of angels and animals, then everything on earth starts shouting about Jesus. Then the original four animals say amen.
Chapter 6
The Jesus lamb starts opening the seals on the book. The first one causes a man with a bow to appear, riding a white horse. They put a crown on him and he rides off to conquer stuff. The second horse is red and its rider has a sword. He gallops off to take away peace on earth and make people kill each other. The third rider is on a black horse and has a set of balancing scales. He babbles for a bit about the price of wheat and reminds us not to overdo it on the wine or oil. The fourth horse is pale (v. 8) and is being ridden by Death, with Hell following along behind. Death is given charge of a quarter of the earth and is allowed to kill people by the sword, famine or wild beasts. When the fifth seal is opened, John sees a bunch of martyred souls under the altar shrieking about vengeance. They are handed white robes and told it will be a while yet, but to hang tight until their brethren are similarly killed. The sixth seal causes a massive earthquake and solar eclipse and the moon turns crimson. The stars fall down and the figs die. Heaven rolls up and the mountains and islands all take one step to the left. The people hide and beg the mountains to give them shelter from the wrath of god.
God picks up a book with seven seals binding it shut. Suddenly an angel starts shrieking Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof? (v. 2) No one can, which causes John to cry. One of the old dudes in the chairs assures him that Jesus can open the book.
Next, a dead lamb appears in the middle of the floor. It has seven horns and seven eyes, because it represents the seven spirits of god. It takes the book and the old dudes and the animals all start worshiping it. Now they have harps and censers and they sing about Jesus and the book.
John realises that there are more things in the room as millions of angels and animals, then everything on earth starts shouting about Jesus. Then the original four animals say amen.
Chapter 6
The Jesus lamb starts opening the seals on the book. The first one causes a man with a bow to appear, riding a white horse. They put a crown on him and he rides off to conquer stuff. The second horse is red and its rider has a sword. He gallops off to take away peace on earth and make people kill each other. The third rider is on a black horse and has a set of balancing scales. He babbles for a bit about the price of wheat and reminds us not to overdo it on the wine or oil. The fourth horse is pale (v. 8) and is being ridden by Death, with Hell following along behind. Death is given charge of a quarter of the earth and is allowed to kill people by the sword, famine or wild beasts. When the fifth seal is opened, John sees a bunch of martyred souls under the altar shrieking about vengeance. They are handed white robes and told it will be a while yet, but to hang tight until their brethren are similarly killed. The sixth seal causes a massive earthquake and solar eclipse and the moon turns crimson. The stars fall down and the figs die. Heaven rolls up and the mountains and islands all take one step to the left. The people hide and beg the mountains to give them shelter from the wrath of god.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Revelation, Chapters 3 & 4: Nightmare on Elm Street
Chapter 3
Sardis: You're the living dead. Don't get too excited, though, because you aren't perfect yet and Jesus could come back at any time. There are a few people who haven't defiled their garments (v. 4) and he'll dress them up in white and recommend them to god.
Philadelphia: You, Jesus likes. He likes you so much he's going to force the worshipers from a nearby synagogue (or as John likes to call it: the synagogue of Satan (v. 9) to worship the christians. He also promises not to put them on trial during the apocalypse. Finally, he agrees to give them all free tattoos: one with god's name, another with Jerusalem's new name, and finally one with his new name.
Laodiceans: You, Jesus is not so sure about. You've been tepid in your faith and he's been thinking of spitting you out as a result. Apparently they've come into some money and have been bragging that they don't need anything. Jesus counsels them to buy white clothing, gold and eye makeup. He invites himself over to their houses for dinner and promises that in return, when he takes them to heaven, he'll sit them on the throne with himself and his dad.
Chapter 4
Now the really trippy part starts. John looks up and sees a door into heaven. A voice calls to him to come up and check things out. He has an out of body experience and goes through the door. The first thing he sees is a throne with a figure on it like a jasper and a sardine stone (v. 3) with a green rainbow around it. There are 24 old men in crowns seated around the main throne. Everybody is silent because the throne has thunder and lightening and voices coming from it. There are seven candlesticks in front of the throne, each representing a spirit. Also in front of the throne is a sea of crystal glass. Arranged around it are four beasts- a lion, a calf, a man and an eagle, with eyes in the fronts and backs of their heads. Each has six wings with eyes on it, and each just sits there all day shrieking Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come (v. 8). When god gets tired of hearing that, the old men cast their crowns at his feet and say Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. (v. 11)
Sardis: You're the living dead. Don't get too excited, though, because you aren't perfect yet and Jesus could come back at any time. There are a few people who haven't defiled their garments (v. 4) and he'll dress them up in white and recommend them to god.
Philadelphia: You, Jesus likes. He likes you so much he's going to force the worshipers from a nearby synagogue (or as John likes to call it: the synagogue of Satan (v. 9) to worship the christians. He also promises not to put them on trial during the apocalypse. Finally, he agrees to give them all free tattoos: one with god's name, another with Jerusalem's new name, and finally one with his new name.
Laodiceans: You, Jesus is not so sure about. You've been tepid in your faith and he's been thinking of spitting you out as a result. Apparently they've come into some money and have been bragging that they don't need anything. Jesus counsels them to buy white clothing, gold and eye makeup. He invites himself over to their houses for dinner and promises that in return, when he takes them to heaven, he'll sit them on the throne with himself and his dad.
Chapter 4
Now the really trippy part starts. John looks up and sees a door into heaven. A voice calls to him to come up and check things out. He has an out of body experience and goes through the door. The first thing he sees is a throne with a figure on it like a jasper and a sardine stone (v. 3) with a green rainbow around it. There are 24 old men in crowns seated around the main throne. Everybody is silent because the throne has thunder and lightening and voices coming from it. There are seven candlesticks in front of the throne, each representing a spirit. Also in front of the throne is a sea of crystal glass. Arranged around it are four beasts- a lion, a calf, a man and an eagle, with eyes in the fronts and backs of their heads. Each has six wings with eyes on it, and each just sits there all day shrieking Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come (v. 8). When god gets tired of hearing that, the old men cast their crowns at his feet and say Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. (v. 11)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Revelation, Chapters 1 & 2: Nightmares and Dreamscapes
Revelation is the most controversial book in the bible, the one that almost didn't make it in during the Nicene Council, a collection of visions worthy of only the best of acid trips. I say, after 21 books of being told to behave because the world really is going to end now, bring it on.
Chapter 1
Jesus decided to let his friend John have a peek at what the end of the world will look like, even though the time is at hand (v. 3). First he sends greetings to the seven churches of Asia from god's seven bestie angels and from Jesus, who, we are gruesomely reminded washed us from our sins in his own blood (v. 5).
Now, onto the Stephen King part of our story, or if you prefer The Brick Testament: Jesus will arrive on a cloud and people will start to wail, because he'll announce that he's here to end the world. John pauses the action briefly to give us some background on his vision: he was on the island of Patmos in the Spirit on the Lord's day (v. 10), which I'm just going to infer means 'drunk off my ass, and possibly a little high,' when a voice told him to write down everything he's about to see and send it off in book form to the other churches. He turns to look for the source of the voice and sees Jesus sitting at the centre of a circle of seven candlesticks, wearing a skirt belted at the nipples a la Steve Urkel. His hair is white, his eyes red, his feet glowing like brass in a fire, and his voice sounds like waves. He's holding seven stars, his tongue is a two-edged sword, and his face is shiny. John faints, but Jesus revives him and says he's back and he stole the keys to heaven and hell from his dad. He explains that the stars are angels and the candles are churches.
Chapter 2
Jesus has a message for the angel of the church at Ephesus: he knows they've been hard workers and haven't listened to any of those pesky christian dissenters, but he still doesn't like them because thou hast left thy first love (v. 3). Jesus threatens that, unless they take her back and apologise, he'll throw their candlestick away like he did with the hated Nicolaitanes. He promises that if they do that, he'll let them eat from the tree of life.
Now, a few words for the church angel in Smyrna: he knows they're doing good works, but also that they're being persecuted by some people claiming to be Jews but who are really the synagogue of Satan (v. 9). He also informs them that they can expect to be thrown into prison and tortured for 10 days, during which time they will possibly die, but he'll reward them for it.
Pergamos, aka Satan's seat (v. 13): someone named Antipas was martyred there, but he still doesn't like them for eating meat intended for sacrifice and for fornicating. Also, they've been sheltering his hated Nicolaitanes. He advises them to repent before he comes over there with his tongue-sword.
Now he has a message for all christians: if you can persevere, he'll give you manna and a stone with your secret name on it.
Thyatira: you've been good, but you're also under the sway of a woman who calls herself Jezebel and claims to be a prophetess. She's been teaching them to fornicate and to eat sacrificial meat. He warned her to stop, but she didn't so now he's going to throw her into a torture bed with her lovers. He's also going to kill her children with death (v. 23) so everyone will know he judges you by your kidneys and your heart. He promises that people who obey until the end will rule over nations with an iron bar they can use to shatter potters' vases. As a bonus, he'll give them the morning star, possibly the planet Venus.
Chapter 1
Jesus decided to let his friend John have a peek at what the end of the world will look like, even though the time is at hand (v. 3). First he sends greetings to the seven churches of Asia from god's seven bestie angels and from Jesus, who, we are gruesomely reminded washed us from our sins in his own blood (v. 5).
Now, onto the Stephen King part of our story, or if you prefer The Brick Testament: Jesus will arrive on a cloud and people will start to wail, because he'll announce that he's here to end the world. John pauses the action briefly to give us some background on his vision: he was on the island of Patmos in the Spirit on the Lord's day (v. 10), which I'm just going to infer means 'drunk off my ass, and possibly a little high,' when a voice told him to write down everything he's about to see and send it off in book form to the other churches. He turns to look for the source of the voice and sees Jesus sitting at the centre of a circle of seven candlesticks, wearing a skirt belted at the nipples a la Steve Urkel. His hair is white, his eyes red, his feet glowing like brass in a fire, and his voice sounds like waves. He's holding seven stars, his tongue is a two-edged sword, and his face is shiny. John faints, but Jesus revives him and says he's back and he stole the keys to heaven and hell from his dad. He explains that the stars are angels and the candles are churches.
Chapter 2
Jesus has a message for the angel of the church at Ephesus: he knows they've been hard workers and haven't listened to any of those pesky christian dissenters, but he still doesn't like them because thou hast left thy first love (v. 3). Jesus threatens that, unless they take her back and apologise, he'll throw their candlestick away like he did with the hated Nicolaitanes. He promises that if they do that, he'll let them eat from the tree of life.
Now, a few words for the church angel in Smyrna: he knows they're doing good works, but also that they're being persecuted by some people claiming to be Jews but who are really the synagogue of Satan (v. 9). He also informs them that they can expect to be thrown into prison and tortured for 10 days, during which time they will possibly die, but he'll reward them for it.
Pergamos, aka Satan's seat (v. 13): someone named Antipas was martyred there, but he still doesn't like them for eating meat intended for sacrifice and for fornicating. Also, they've been sheltering his hated Nicolaitanes. He advises them to repent before he comes over there with his tongue-sword.
Now he has a message for all christians: if you can persevere, he'll give you manna and a stone with your secret name on it.
Thyatira: you've been good, but you're also under the sway of a woman who calls herself Jezebel and claims to be a prophetess. She's been teaching them to fornicate and to eat sacrificial meat. He warned her to stop, but she didn't so now he's going to throw her into a torture bed with her lovers. He's also going to kill her children with death (v. 23) so everyone will know he judges you by your kidneys and your heart. He promises that people who obey until the end will rule over nations with an iron bar they can use to shatter potters' vases. As a bonus, he'll give them the morning star, possibly the planet Venus.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Jude, Chapter 1: The tyranny of small differences
This book purports to be written by Jude, brother of James and Jesus, an illiterate, Aramaic-speaking peasant who somehow wrote a letter in fluent Greek. He urges his followers to ignore the false prophets who god is controlling and who are turning them against Jesus' teachings and sending them all to hell. He backs this claim up by reminding us about that time god smote the Israelites or that other time when some angels came down from heaven to breed with human women, for whom god is reserving punishment until the end times. He also refers to Sodom and Gomorrah and a text that isn't part of the bible about the archangel Michael and the devil fighting about Moses' body. He also talks about Cain and Balaam. You get the picture: the early christians were not a unified, loving community of like-minded individuals. The good news is, these are all signs of the apocalypse, so he urges them to convert as many people as possible by whatever means necessary, compassion, fear, whatever works.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
2 & 3 John: John and the real Christ
2 John
John is writing to a lady and her children to remind them to love each other, because there are many antichrists in this world who don't believe Jesus was flesh and blood. No, really, this was a source of huge debate according to Bart D. Erhman: was Jesus really flesh, or spirit made to look like flesh? This is what the top minds in Europe thought about for hundreds of years. Imagine where we'd be if they'd put all that energy into cancer research or combating poverty. Anyway, John is clearly in the 'real flesh' section and promises that anyone on team 'fake flesh' is going to hell, so he urges his followers not to let them into their houses. He promises to come and visit soon.
3 John
John now turns his attention to someone called Gaius, about whom he heard some good things that inspired him to write. He praises him for his evanglising and for not accepting gifts from non-christians. He also passes along some gossip about a church run by one of his political enemies, a man named Diotrephes, who is trying to take over church leadership and who he unironically accuses of talking smack about him. He urges Gaius not to be swayed by Diotrephes so he can go to heaven.
And that's it. Two shortest books in the New Testament.
John is writing to a lady and her children to remind them to love each other, because there are many antichrists in this world who don't believe Jesus was flesh and blood. No, really, this was a source of huge debate according to Bart D. Erhman: was Jesus really flesh, or spirit made to look like flesh? This is what the top minds in Europe thought about for hundreds of years. Imagine where we'd be if they'd put all that energy into cancer research or combating poverty. Anyway, John is clearly in the 'real flesh' section and promises that anyone on team 'fake flesh' is going to hell, so he urges his followers not to let them into their houses. He promises to come and visit soon.
3 John
John now turns his attention to someone called Gaius, about whom he heard some good things that inspired him to write. He praises him for his evanglising and for not accepting gifts from non-christians. He also passes along some gossip about a church run by one of his political enemies, a man named Diotrephes, who is trying to take over church leadership and who he unironically accuses of talking smack about him. He urges Gaius not to be swayed by Diotrephes so he can go to heaven.
And that's it. Two shortest books in the New Testament.
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