The first appearance of John the Baptist. It's not promising. He comes out of the wilderness, wearing a camel-hair dress and a leather belt, shrieking about how he eats locusts and honey and urging people to repent now, because the day of the lord is nigh. Honestly, le plus ça change, le plus c'est la même chose, man.
But actually, something has changed, because unlike in the days of the Old Testament prophets, when everyone just ignored the weird guy telling you you were going to die, people are convinced by his message and follow him over to the Jordan River to get baptized. But not the Pharisees or the Sadducees, who he calls vipers (v. 7). He tells them they can prove their dedication to god by producing fruit. Failure to do so will result in death by fire. I always thought this was the hippy, non-violent bit of the bible. This is only chapter 3 and we're already discussing mass slaughter. They also need to stop thinking they're fine because they're also descendants of Abraham. So much for the credo of tolerance.
John also tells them that he baptizes with water, but that the coming saviour will baptize with fire and the Holy Ghost. There are a lot of other references to burning. For a book that's supposed to be about peace and brotherhood.
One day, Jesus comes along to be baptized, because it's what all the cool kids are doing. But John refuses, pointing out that he's actually the one who should be baptized here. Jesus says that rules are rules, so John just shrugs and does it.
When Jesus reemerges, he sees a window in the clouds that looks straight into heaven, where he sees god, who is pleased.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Matthew, Chapters 1-2: Jesus in da house
Chapter 1
The New Testament does not start out promisingly. The first 17 verses are Christ's genealogy, starting with Abraham. Some funny names if you're a 12 year old boy: Booz of Rachab (v. 5). Well, that's the only one, really. Apparently it has been 14 generations since the sack of Jerusalem.
The fourteenth generation since the Babylonian exile is Joseph, who we are immediately informed is a cuckold. See, his fiancée, Mary, and he, had not had sex yet, but she is found to be pregnant. She claims it's the Holy Spirit's, but Joseph is no dummy and looks into divorcing her quietly. While he's doing that, an angel of the lord visits him in a dream and convinces him it really IS the Holy Spirit's baby, and thus the biggest lie ever perpetuated is born. The angel also tells him to call the baby Jesus and insists it's the fulfillment of the prophecy in Isaiah, even though the baby in that one was supposed to be called Emmanuel. So Joseph puts off the big night for another 9 months while Mary gestates someone else's baby. This would seem to indicate that it did indeed happen, which makes Catholic doctrine even harder for a lapsed Protestant to understand.
Chapter 2
We get right into the familiar stuff, with Herod the king and the wise men following a star. They make a wrong turn and end up in Jerusalem, thus proving the extent of their wisdom, and end up in Herod's palace. Herod hears about this and gathers his advisors to find out where this rival ruler will be born. Never mind that Herod is an adult and by the time this usurper is old enough to be a threat he'll likely be dead, what with the lack of sanitation and vaccines and all. Once they predict Bethlehem, he sends for the wise men and asks them to let him know when they've found the baby so he can come and worship, too.
TheStooges wise men get back on the star trail, which leads them directly to Jesus, who is in a house, mind, not a manger. They bow down and offer him their familiar gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Mary tries not to roll her eyes, because what she actually needs are diapers and cigarettes.
The wise men dream that Herod is up to no good, so they omit to send word back to him, which is a pretty strong argument against Four Square. Joseph also dreams about the angel, who tells him to go to Egypt before Herod can kill this damned baby who isn't even a threat to him. So the family goes off to Egypt in the middle of the night, where they stay until Herod dies, thus supposedly fulfilling the prophecy in Hosea that the saviour will come out of Egypt.
Meanwhile, this brain trust didn't even think to leave a note warning people about Herod's treachery, so while they're safe in Egypt, Herod kills off all the kids under two in a fit of rage.
Anyway, skip forward a couple of years, when Jesus is still described as a young child (v. 20) and Herod dies a natural death. The angel appears yet again and tells them it's safe to go back to Israel. This time they stop in Nazareth, supposedly because an Old Testament prophecy says that in addition to coming from Bethlehem and Egypt, the Messiah will also be a Nazarene.
The New Testament does not start out promisingly. The first 17 verses are Christ's genealogy, starting with Abraham. Some funny names if you're a 12 year old boy: Booz of Rachab (v. 5). Well, that's the only one, really. Apparently it has been 14 generations since the sack of Jerusalem.
The fourteenth generation since the Babylonian exile is Joseph, who we are immediately informed is a cuckold. See, his fiancée, Mary, and he, had not had sex yet, but she is found to be pregnant. She claims it's the Holy Spirit's, but Joseph is no dummy and looks into divorcing her quietly. While he's doing that, an angel of the lord visits him in a dream and convinces him it really IS the Holy Spirit's baby, and thus the biggest lie ever perpetuated is born. The angel also tells him to call the baby Jesus and insists it's the fulfillment of the prophecy in Isaiah, even though the baby in that one was supposed to be called Emmanuel. So Joseph puts off the big night for another 9 months while Mary gestates someone else's baby. This would seem to indicate that it did indeed happen, which makes Catholic doctrine even harder for a lapsed Protestant to understand.
Chapter 2
We get right into the familiar stuff, with Herod the king and the wise men following a star. They make a wrong turn and end up in Jerusalem, thus proving the extent of their wisdom, and end up in Herod's palace. Herod hears about this and gathers his advisors to find out where this rival ruler will be born. Never mind that Herod is an adult and by the time this usurper is old enough to be a threat he'll likely be dead, what with the lack of sanitation and vaccines and all. Once they predict Bethlehem, he sends for the wise men and asks them to let him know when they've found the baby so he can come and worship, too.
The
The wise men dream that Herod is up to no good, so they omit to send word back to him, which is a pretty strong argument against Four Square. Joseph also dreams about the angel, who tells him to go to Egypt before Herod can kill this damned baby who isn't even a threat to him. So the family goes off to Egypt in the middle of the night, where they stay until Herod dies, thus supposedly fulfilling the prophecy in Hosea that the saviour will come out of Egypt.
Meanwhile, this brain trust didn't even think to leave a note warning people about Herod's treachery, so while they're safe in Egypt, Herod kills off all the kids under two in a fit of rage.
Anyway, skip forward a couple of years, when Jesus is still described as a young child (v. 20) and Herod dies a natural death. The angel appears yet again and tells them it's safe to go back to Israel. This time they stop in Nazareth, supposedly because an Old Testament prophecy says that in addition to coming from Bethlehem and Egypt, the Messiah will also be a Nazarene.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Malachi, Chapters 1-4: Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse
Chapter 1
God confesses that he always hated Esau, and he deliberately gave his inheritance to the dragons. If the Edomites, whom, you will remember, are his descendants, ever try to rebuild, he'll just keep knocking them down. Somehow this will make Israel look better.
Then he starts criticising the sacrifices, accusing them of offering sickly animals. He announces he's not going to accept any more barbecue from them, he's going to let the gentiles cook for him instead.
Chapter 2
Here's a cute one for all you priests out there: Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces (v. 3). Seriously, watch Pastor Deacon Fred say it. Won't that be embarrassing if it turns out that Mormons really was the correct answer all along.
Next, he's angry with the tribe of Judah for intermarrying with foreign wives when they had perfectly good Israelite ones. Suddenly he's against divorcing practicing polygamy. That's reserved for kings and early prophets, damnit!
Chapter 3
God is sending a messenger to purify the priesthood. Then there will be punishments for the uncharitable and the xenophobic. Also, people who don't tithe will be cursed.
Chapter 4
Some day soon, god will burn the wicked and the good people will walk around in their ashes. He reminds us to follow the Mosaic law and promises to send Elijah back to reunite troubled families. If that fails, well, the final words of the Old Testament are Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse (v. 6).
God confesses that he always hated Esau, and he deliberately gave his inheritance to the dragons. If the Edomites, whom, you will remember, are his descendants, ever try to rebuild, he'll just keep knocking them down. Somehow this will make Israel look better.
Then he starts criticising the sacrifices, accusing them of offering sickly animals. He announces he's not going to accept any more barbecue from them, he's going to let the gentiles cook for him instead.
Chapter 2
Here's a cute one for all you priests out there: Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces (v. 3). Seriously, watch Pastor Deacon Fred say it. Won't that be embarrassing if it turns out that Mormons really was the correct answer all along.
Next, he's angry with the tribe of Judah for intermarrying with foreign wives when they had perfectly good Israelite ones. Suddenly he's against divorcing practicing polygamy. That's reserved for kings and early prophets, damnit!
Chapter 3
God is sending a messenger to purify the priesthood. Then there will be punishments for the uncharitable and the xenophobic. Also, people who don't tithe will be cursed.
Chapter 4
Some day soon, god will burn the wicked and the good people will walk around in their ashes. He reminds us to follow the Mosaic law and promises to send Elijah back to reunite troubled families. If that fails, well, the final words of the Old Testament are Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse (v. 6).
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Zechariah, Chapters
Chapter 8
God promises that both old and young people will live in Jerusalem again, and vows to set his people free. He says that in the bad old days, there was high unemployment and neighbours fought constantly. But this time, he'll make the fruit grow and he'll send rain, as long as they stop lying and are peaceful and don't have bad thoughts and fast 4 months out of the year and pray. Somehow, I don't see this lasting. And after they've been doing that for awhile, the Gentiles will all convert.
Chapter 9
One frigging chapter after promising all that peace and brotherhood, god is right back to threats of violence against Israel's neighbours. As long as you can fanwank that Christ was a military leader who kept all the enemies out of Jerusalem, he's in there too. Jerry Falwell does this with aplomb.
Chapter 10
God confesses that Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats (v. 3). This time, though, he'll have their backs, and he'll make the Nile go dry.
Chapter 11
I guess Zech is well and truly over his weird drug-fueled trip from earlier in this book. Now he's been reduced to telling the story of the time god took two barrel staves and went around beating bad shepherds up with them. Note that his story has now changed and he's no longer punishing the goats.
Chapter 12
Smitey smite smite. All for the greater glory of Jerusalem
Chapter 13
God will get all the false prophets' parents to kill them. The survivors, presumably already orphans, will become cattlemen instead.
Chapter 14
There will be a giant battle in Jerusalem, which will be so violent it will rip the Mount of Olives in half. It will be a foggy day, and the water will flow away from Jerusalem. Then he'll send a plague for all Israel's enemies. People who don't convert will also suffer drought and diseased animals. The Israelites' pots will become holy and the Canaanites will finally die off. What a cheery ending!
God promises that both old and young people will live in Jerusalem again, and vows to set his people free. He says that in the bad old days, there was high unemployment and neighbours fought constantly. But this time, he'll make the fruit grow and he'll send rain, as long as they stop lying and are peaceful and don't have bad thoughts and fast 4 months out of the year and pray. Somehow, I don't see this lasting. And after they've been doing that for awhile, the Gentiles will all convert.
Chapter 9
One frigging chapter after promising all that peace and brotherhood, god is right back to threats of violence against Israel's neighbours. As long as you can fanwank that Christ was a military leader who kept all the enemies out of Jerusalem, he's in there too. Jerry Falwell does this with aplomb.
Chapter 10
God confesses that Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats (v. 3). This time, though, he'll have their backs, and he'll make the Nile go dry.
Chapter 11
I guess Zech is well and truly over his weird drug-fueled trip from earlier in this book. Now he's been reduced to telling the story of the time god took two barrel staves and went around beating bad shepherds up with them. Note that his story has now changed and he's no longer punishing the goats.
Chapter 12
Smitey smite smite. All for the greater glory of Jerusalem
Chapter 13
God will get all the false prophets' parents to kill them. The survivors, presumably already orphans, will become cattlemen instead.
Chapter 14
There will be a giant battle in Jerusalem, which will be so violent it will rip the Mount of Olives in half. It will be a foggy day, and the water will flow away from Jerusalem. Then he'll send a plague for all Israel's enemies. People who don't convert will also suffer drought and diseased animals. The Israelites' pots will become holy and the Canaanites will finally die off. What a cheery ending!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Zechariah, Chapters 4-7: Biblical bongs
Chapter 4
Zechariah is awakened by the angel, who asks him what he sees. A candlestick with a bowl and seven lamps thereon, and seven pipes to the seven lamps, which are upon the top thereof (v. 2). In other words, a 7-man bong. That explains a lot. This bong is sitting under some olive trees in case of munchies.
Then they have this nonsensical stoner conversation about meaning and symbology and a mountain that's going to turn into a valley, but not before the summit starts shrieking Grace, grace unto it. (v. 7)
Chapter 5
Whatever Zechariah has been smoking really kicks in as he turns and sees giant flying scrolls that sail over to the houses of thieves and liars and set them on fire. Then there's a basket full of sins. When the leaden lid is lifted off, there's a woman inside. The angel calls her wickedness personified, then shuts the lid again. Two women with stork-wings appear and carry the basket of to Shinar.
Chapter 6
Zech has another trippy vision, this time about chariots pulled by multi-coloured horses that appear between mountains of brass. The chariots ride around as god's representatives on earth. Their task today is to make a crown for Joshua. When they place the crown on his head, they're supposed to say Behold the man whose name is The BRANCH; and he shall grow up out of his place, and he shall build the temple of the LORD (v. 12).
Chapter 7
Zech is coming down from his high, and now has some deep and probing questions for god. First Should I weep in the fifth month, separating myself, as I have done these so many years? (v. 3) God scoffs that the Israelites have been playing at weeping and mourning for 70 years and they should show compassion and mercy if they're sincere.
Zechariah is awakened by the angel, who asks him what he sees. A candlestick with a bowl and seven lamps thereon, and seven pipes to the seven lamps, which are upon the top thereof (v. 2). In other words, a 7-man bong. That explains a lot. This bong is sitting under some olive trees in case of munchies.
Then they have this nonsensical stoner conversation about meaning and symbology and a mountain that's going to turn into a valley, but not before the summit starts shrieking Grace, grace unto it. (v. 7)
Chapter 5
Whatever Zechariah has been smoking really kicks in as he turns and sees giant flying scrolls that sail over to the houses of thieves and liars and set them on fire. Then there's a basket full of sins. When the leaden lid is lifted off, there's a woman inside. The angel calls her wickedness personified, then shuts the lid again. Two women with stork-wings appear and carry the basket of to Shinar.
Chapter 6
Zech has another trippy vision, this time about chariots pulled by multi-coloured horses that appear between mountains of brass. The chariots ride around as god's representatives on earth. Their task today is to make a crown for Joshua. When they place the crown on his head, they're supposed to say Behold the man whose name is The BRANCH; and he shall grow up out of his place, and he shall build the temple of the LORD (v. 12).
Chapter 7
Zech is coming down from his high, and now has some deep and probing questions for god. First Should I weep in the fifth month, separating myself, as I have done these so many years? (v. 3) God scoffs that the Israelites have been playing at weeping and mourning for 70 years and they should show compassion and mercy if they're sincere.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Zechariah, Chapters 1-3: Playing Bronies
Chapter 1
God starts appearing to Zechariah. First, he is supposed to proselytise to the people to turn their hearts towards god. Then a man appears on a red horse. He stops underneath a myrtle tree and three more red horses appear. Either because he's dumb or because he's on hallucinogens, Z asks what the ponies are. An angel then appears and says they've been sent by god to walk the earth.
Abrupt transition to a new prophesy, in which god mentions that he's still pissed at the Jerusalemites for not rebuilding his temple yet. Then Z looks up and sees four horns. He asks what they're for. The angel says they're the 4 kingdoms of Israel that have been scattered. Finally, 4 carpenters appear to do the scattering.
Chapter 2
Aw shit. Z looks up and sees a guy with a ruler in his hand. Not this again. Mercifully, his bit is short: he's supposed to measure Jerusalem so god can build a wall of fire around it so he can keep the glory inside. My thinking is, if you have to work that hard to keep the glory in, maybe the glory doesn't want to be yours and you should just go find a new one that appreciates you.
Then god informs the Israelites that they are the apple of his eye (v. 8) and promises to smite... somebody. Probably the Babylonians.
Chapter 3
Joshua, Satan and an angel are standing in front of Z. Unfortunately, it's not the beginning of some kind of Aristocrats-style dirty joke. We are apparently in medeas conversation as god rebukes the devil and informs him that he has plucked Josh out of the fire.
Joshua himself is clad in filthy rags. The angel takes them away and informs him he's absolved of sin. Then they dress him in good clothes and a crown. God informs Joshy that he's now king, but to behave because he's also sending his servant the BRANCH (soon to be a Jersey Shore cast member). Also, he's giving him a stone with seven eyes. Then he tells Josh to gather everyone under a fig tree.
God starts appearing to Zechariah. First, he is supposed to proselytise to the people to turn their hearts towards god. Then a man appears on a red horse. He stops underneath a myrtle tree and three more red horses appear. Either because he's dumb or because he's on hallucinogens, Z asks what the ponies are. An angel then appears and says they've been sent by god to walk the earth.
Abrupt transition to a new prophesy, in which god mentions that he's still pissed at the Jerusalemites for not rebuilding his temple yet. Then Z looks up and sees four horns. He asks what they're for. The angel says they're the 4 kingdoms of Israel that have been scattered. Finally, 4 carpenters appear to do the scattering.
Chapter 2
Aw shit. Z looks up and sees a guy with a ruler in his hand. Not this again. Mercifully, his bit is short: he's supposed to measure Jerusalem so god can build a wall of fire around it so he can keep the glory inside. My thinking is, if you have to work that hard to keep the glory in, maybe the glory doesn't want to be yours and you should just go find a new one that appreciates you.
Then god informs the Israelites that they are the apple of his eye (v. 8) and promises to smite... somebody. Probably the Babylonians.
Chapter 3
Joshua, Satan and an angel are standing in front of Z. Unfortunately, it's not the beginning of some kind of Aristocrats-style dirty joke. We are apparently in medeas conversation as god rebukes the devil and informs him that he has plucked Josh out of the fire.
Joshua himself is clad in filthy rags. The angel takes them away and informs him he's absolved of sin. Then they dress him in good clothes and a crown. God informs Joshy that he's now king, but to behave because he's also sending his servant the BRANCH (soon to be a Jersey Shore cast member). Also, he's giving him a stone with seven eyes. Then he tells Josh to gather everyone under a fig tree.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Haggai, Chapters 1 & 2
Chapter 1
After King Darius of Persia allows the Jews to return to Israel, they immediately start arguing about their new country. In this case, they can't agree when to rebuild the temple. At this point, god intervenes to point out that while they themselves have nicely rebuilt houses, he's still out in the cold. And when they continued to ignore him in favour of home improvement projects, he caused drought and crop failure. So they rebuild the temple.
Chapter 2
God is going to shake the earth until people start showing up for church. If his shaking happens to loosen a few coins out of a few pockets, well, finders keepers.
He also wants an upgrade for his new temple, in exchange for which he promises peace.
Furthermore, he has some complaints about priestly hygiene standards. Turns out a few people have been carrying the sacrifices in the folds of their robes and it grosses god out. Even grosser, people who have touched dead bodies have been touching sacrificial offerings, and he'd really like that to stop, because that is nasty. But then god just goes too far and declares that basically everybody is unclean.
Then there is some very confusing babble about previous droughts, and this drought, and earthquakes and somehow someone named Zarubbabel is honoured. According to his Wikipedia entry, Zerubbabel was a governor of Persia and eventual king of the Israelites.
After King Darius of Persia allows the Jews to return to Israel, they immediately start arguing about their new country. In this case, they can't agree when to rebuild the temple. At this point, god intervenes to point out that while they themselves have nicely rebuilt houses, he's still out in the cold. And when they continued to ignore him in favour of home improvement projects, he caused drought and crop failure. So they rebuild the temple.
Chapter 2
God is going to shake the earth until people start showing up for church. If his shaking happens to loosen a few coins out of a few pockets, well, finders keepers.
He also wants an upgrade for his new temple, in exchange for which he promises peace.
Furthermore, he has some complaints about priestly hygiene standards. Turns out a few people have been carrying the sacrifices in the folds of their robes and it grosses god out. Even grosser, people who have touched dead bodies have been touching sacrificial offerings, and he'd really like that to stop, because that is nasty. But then god just goes too far and declares that basically everybody is unclean.
Then there is some very confusing babble about previous droughts, and this drought, and earthquakes and somehow someone named Zarubbabel is honoured. According to his Wikipedia entry, Zerubbabel was a governor of Persia and eventual king of the Israelites.
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