Josiah makes a last-ditch effort to save the Israelites and fails.
Josiah is 8 when he ascends the throne of Israel. When he's 18, he sends one of his scribes to the temple to see how the treasury is doing so he can have it repaired. When the scribe talks to Hilkiah the priest, he reveals a book he found, which is Deuteronomy, Moses dying rant to the Israelites. As his scribe reads it to him, Josiah gets so upset he rends his clothes. As anyone would, if forced to sit and listen to the entire book of Deuteronomy in one go. He also orders him to find out what exactly the book means for the future of Israel.
The scribe and the priest go to Huldah the prophetess, who lives in a college. Huh. I didn't know they had colleges then. She tells them god is angry and planning to destroy Israel, because they've been worshipping other gods. Well, they've been doing that since the beginning of 1 King's, so I don't know why it's happening now, except for narrative convenience. The only comfort she can offer Josiah is that god will let him die peacefully and he won't see the fall.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 21
Manasseh is 12 when he takes over from his father, and reigns for the next 55 years. He's bad, because he rebuilds the temples to Baal, sacrifices his son, and practices sorcery. I wonder what this book would be like if Baal was the protagonist.
What really pisses god off, though, is not the child sacrifice, it's the fact that he puts one of his Baal thotchkes in the temple. In response, god vows to do something so horrible to the Israelites that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle (v. 12). More specifically, he says I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down (v. 13) proving that Israelite men did dishes. For all you women out there having trouble convincing your significant others to do housework, this is one more argument.
We get some other vague examples of how Manasseh is evil, including that he had a lot of people killed, but not who or why or how, so I think we can just chalk that up to exaggeration. Then he dies. 55 years summed up in 17 bible verses. If only the whole book were so tautly plotted.
His son Amon, clearly not the one sacrificed to Baal, although that would be cool, takes over. Amon is also bad. God it's like a broken record, this book. And the next two are the exact same thing with some of the details shifted around. Urgh. Anyway, Amon is killed by his servants, and then his servants are killed by the people, and his son Josiah takes over. Amon was only 22 when he took over the throne, though it's not clear how much time has passed or how old he is at this point.
What really pisses god off, though, is not the child sacrifice, it's the fact that he puts one of his Baal thotchkes in the temple. In response, god vows to do something so horrible to the Israelites that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle (v. 12). More specifically, he says I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down (v. 13) proving that Israelite men did dishes. For all you women out there having trouble convincing your significant others to do housework, this is one more argument.
We get some other vague examples of how Manasseh is evil, including that he had a lot of people killed, but not who or why or how, so I think we can just chalk that up to exaggeration. Then he dies. 55 years summed up in 17 bible verses. If only the whole book were so tautly plotted.
His son Amon, clearly not the one sacrificed to Baal, although that would be cool, takes over. Amon is also bad. God it's like a broken record, this book. And the next two are the exact same thing with some of the details shifted around. Urgh. Anyway, Amon is killed by his servants, and then his servants are killed by the people, and his son Josiah takes over. Amon was only 22 when he took over the throne, though it's not clear how much time has passed or how old he is at this point.
2 Kings, Chapter 20
Hezekiah is sick. They tell him he's dying, but he doesn't want to be. So he begs Isaiah to ask god for a few more years. He gets 15. I've read 700 pages of this book so far. I should get those 15 years.
Isaiah puts a lump of boiled figs on the boil that was killing him. Oh, I see. Hezekiah had a man cold. That he's feeling better isn't enough for Hezekiah, he wants proof that he's really cured. Gift horses, Hezekiah. You can practically hear Isaiah sighing as he asks Hezekiah if he wants god to set the sun forwards or backwards by 10 degrees. Hezekiah chooses backwards. Riveting. It's like watching an episode of Jersey Shore that only features Sammi, Ronnie and Angelina.
The king of Babylon sends Hezekiah a get well soon present. Hezekiah in turn invites him over for a house tour. Isaiah notices them leaving and asks Hezekiah who they were and what he showed them. Hezekiah showed them everything, of course. Isaiah says god says they were just casing the place and now they're going to carry everything back to Babylon with them, including his sons, who will be eunuchs.
But it isn't going to happen right away, so Hezekiah isn't worried. He builds up the city's waterworks then dies and his son Manasseh takes over.
Isaiah puts a lump of boiled figs on the boil that was killing him. Oh, I see. Hezekiah had a man cold. That he's feeling better isn't enough for Hezekiah, he wants proof that he's really cured. Gift horses, Hezekiah. You can practically hear Isaiah sighing as he asks Hezekiah if he wants god to set the sun forwards or backwards by 10 degrees. Hezekiah chooses backwards. Riveting. It's like watching an episode of Jersey Shore that only features Sammi, Ronnie and Angelina.
The king of Babylon sends Hezekiah a get well soon present. Hezekiah in turn invites him over for a house tour. Isaiah notices them leaving and asks Hezekiah who they were and what he showed them. Hezekiah showed them everything, of course. Isaiah says god says they were just casing the place and now they're going to carry everything back to Babylon with them, including his sons, who will be eunuchs.
But it isn't going to happen right away, so Hezekiah isn't worried. He builds up the city's waterworks then dies and his son Manasseh takes over.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 19
Hezekiah, on hearing the news of the Assyrians' threats, tears his clothes. Then he sends a delegation, in sackcloth, to the prophet Isaiah, to ask him to pray to god. Isaiah tells them not to be afraid, because the Assyrians blasphemed god and god is going to take his revenge by killing the general after he goes home.
So they return and find the Assyrians fighting in Libnah. The Ethiopian (or possibly Egyptian) king arrives to help the Israelites. The Assyrian king sends a taunting message to Hezekiah telling him not to expect Jerusalem back, because he's destroyed plenty of other countries whose gods didn't help them.
Hezekiah goes to the temple and prays. God sends word back via Isaiah that he got the message, and he's happy to help. He insults the Assyrian king for awhile then threatens him. He also promises to restore Judah in 3 years' time.
Then the angel of the lord goes and kills 185 000 Assyrians in their sleep, like, they didn't have watchmen? The general escapes to Assyria, only to be killed by his sons while praying. The sons then go to Armenia.
So they return and find the Assyrians fighting in Libnah. The Ethiopian (or possibly Egyptian) king arrives to help the Israelites. The Assyrian king sends a taunting message to Hezekiah telling him not to expect Jerusalem back, because he's destroyed plenty of other countries whose gods didn't help them.
Hezekiah goes to the temple and prays. God sends word back via Isaiah that he got the message, and he's happy to help. He insults the Assyrian king for awhile then threatens him. He also promises to restore Judah in 3 years' time.
Then the angel of the lord goes and kills 185 000 Assyrians in their sleep, like, they didn't have watchmen? The general escapes to Assyria, only to be killed by his sons while praying. The sons then go to Armenia.
Monday, September 20, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 18
Hezekiah finally gets around to melting the brass serpent god made all the way back in Numbers to remind the people about how he drove off the snakes. Unfortunately, they had been worshipping it. Idiots. He also cuts down the groves to Baal and destroys his images. He does pretty well for awhile, rebelling against Assyria and all that, but when the Assyrians carry away the other Israelite tribes, he sues for peace and has to pay 350 talents of gold and silver as a tribute. He even has to cut the gold out of the temple doors to pay him.
But eventually, of course, he can't pay, so the Assyrian king sends some delegates to intimidate him in a field. They ask him where he got the cojones to rebel against them (hint: Sarah Palin!) and warn him not to trust the Pharaoh of Egypt. They say if he's relying on god, well, he also removed all the temples and told people to worship in Jerusalem. He promises him 2000 more horses if he'll pay up. He also says he's acting on god's orders.
One of Hezekiah's generals speaks up at this point and we learn the whole conversation has been in Hebrew, and that there's a whole peanut gallery sitting on a wall observing the proceedings. The general asks them to please speak in Aramaic, since they understand and the observers don't. The Assyrian general then gets off a zinger, asking the Israelites: Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? (v. 27). I'm sure it's funnier in Hebrew. Or Aramaic. He then turns to the assembled men and tells them loudly that they have no hope of winning against them and promises that if they surrender, they'll get to keep their land and crops, but that eventually he'll take them to Assyria like the other 10 tribes.
The Israelite negotiators go back to Hezekiah in tears to explain the situation.
But eventually, of course, he can't pay, so the Assyrian king sends some delegates to intimidate him in a field. They ask him where he got the cojones to rebel against them (hint: Sarah Palin!) and warn him not to trust the Pharaoh of Egypt. They say if he's relying on god, well, he also removed all the temples and told people to worship in Jerusalem. He promises him 2000 more horses if he'll pay up. He also says he's acting on god's orders.
One of Hezekiah's generals speaks up at this point and we learn the whole conversation has been in Hebrew, and that there's a whole peanut gallery sitting on a wall observing the proceedings. The general asks them to please speak in Aramaic, since they understand and the observers don't. The Assyrian general then gets off a zinger, asking the Israelites: Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? (v. 27). I'm sure it's funnier in Hebrew. Or Aramaic. He then turns to the assembled men and tells them loudly that they have no hope of winning against them and promises that if they surrender, they'll get to keep their land and crops, but that eventually he'll take them to Assyria like the other 10 tribes.
The Israelite negotiators go back to Hezekiah in tears to explain the situation.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 17
Hoshea.
Hoshea is a bad king. Snore. When I've woken up, the Assyrians invade. He pays tribute to them, but one time he fucks up and sends a present to the Egyptian king but not the Assyrian king, so he gets locked up in prison. Yup, I like democracy better.
Assyria beseiges Israel for 3 years, then kidnaps all the Israelites and scatters them to the four winds. All of this, we are told, is punishment for worshipping Baal, and was explained back in Exodus, or Numbers or something, so they can't complain they weren't warned. Only Judah is left, even though they are no better at keeping the commandments.
As for the Assyrians, they take over Samaria, but when they don't respect god, he sends lions along to kill them. So they send for an old Israelite priest to come back and teach them god's ways. That satisfies him, even though they keep worshipping their own gods. The end.
Hoshea is a bad king. Snore. When I've woken up, the Assyrians invade. He pays tribute to them, but one time he fucks up and sends a present to the Egyptian king but not the Assyrian king, so he gets locked up in prison. Yup, I like democracy better.
Assyria beseiges Israel for 3 years, then kidnaps all the Israelites and scatters them to the four winds. All of this, we are told, is punishment for worshipping Baal, and was explained back in Exodus, or Numbers or something, so they can't complain they weren't warned. Only Judah is left, even though they are no better at keeping the commandments.
As for the Assyrians, they take over Samaria, but when they don't respect god, he sends lions along to kill them. So they send for an old Israelite priest to come back and teach them god's ways. That satisfies him, even though they keep worshipping their own gods. The end.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 16
Finally, a righteous king! Hahahahaha, just kidding. That would make this book interesting.
Nope, Ahaz is a Baal worshipper and practitioner of child sacrifice, at least, if Jerry Falwell's crack team of bible interpreters is to be believed. The forces of Syria and Israel team up to oust him, but are unsuccessful. The Syrians do manage to add to their territory and drive the Israelites out.
Ahaz sends gold and silver as a tribute to the king of Assyria, and asks him for help. He takes over Damascus and kills the king. Ahaz visits Damascus, sees an altar to the Damascene god, and commissions one just like it at home. He sets it up next to his altar to god, and uses the Assyrian one for sacrificing and the Israelite one for guidance. He further desecrates his altar to god by removing some of the tacky do-dads and the cover.
But he dies peacefully and his son Hezekiah takes over.
Nope, Ahaz is a Baal worshipper and practitioner of child sacrifice, at least, if Jerry Falwell's crack team of bible interpreters is to be believed. The forces of Syria and Israel team up to oust him, but are unsuccessful. The Syrians do manage to add to their territory and drive the Israelites out.
Ahaz sends gold and silver as a tribute to the king of Assyria, and asks him for help. He takes over Damascus and kills the king. Ahaz visits Damascus, sees an altar to the Damascene god, and commissions one just like it at home. He sets it up next to his altar to god, and uses the Assyrian one for sacrificing and the Israelite one for guidance. He further desecrates his altar to god by removing some of the tacky do-dads and the cover.
But he dies peacefully and his son Hezekiah takes over.
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