Sunday, March 10, 2013

2 Peter, Chapters 1-3: Red Forman's bible

Chapter 1

'Simon Peter' greets the christians and hopes they're avoiding all those icky lusts and striving to be The World's Most Perfect People so they can get into heaven! Speaking of which, he swears up and down that Jesus really is coming back to end the world, and reminds them that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation (v. 20).

Chapter 2

As the end of days approaches, there will be plenty of false prophets, and it's important not to listen to them lest you end up in hell. And believe you me, god is not shy about who ends up there: fallen angels, everyone but Noah's family, Sodom and Gomorrah. Right now he's not happy about people who walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government (v. 10), which hopefully means the entire Tea Party is hell-bound. 

You won't get reported to god by those tattle-telling angels, no your own bad deeds will be obvious to god, like Balaam's.

Good lord, did you know that
dumb ass (v. 16) is a biblical saying, and not a divine revelation given to the immortal Red Forman? I did not. But that's not even the most disgusting image in this chapter. No, that title belongs to verse 22: The dog is turned to his own vomit.

Chapter 3

'Simon Peter' has another beef, this time with people who doubt that Jesus is actually coming back, seeing as we've been waiting 2000+ years now. That's just ignorance, and god is coming for you with fire, someday. We won't know when because one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. (v. 8) Of course, god doesn't actually want to send you to hell, and the best way to prevent that is to be a good christian and not read 'Paul's' letters. Wish I'd read that verse about 15 books ago.

No comments:

Post a Comment