Antiochus hears about a temple in Elymias in Persia that is filled with treasure, including some relics from his grandfather Alexander the Great. Rather than just ask for the stuff back, or offer to buy it, he of course decides to attack, but the city heard he was coming and has prepared itself. They rebuff the attack and he goes back to Babylon, where he also hears about the defeats in Judea. He goes to bed to grieve and stays there for several days, until people think he's going to die. He calls all his friends together to go over all his regrets in life, chief among them being raiding Jerusalem. He appoints his friend Philip as his heir and regent to his son Antiochus Jr. Then he dies aged 149.
Lysias - who may or may not be Philip, and who may or may not have his own son named Antiochus, sets up someone named Antiochus as the new ruler and changes his name to Eupator. Together they start locking up all the Jews they find near the temple, which causes Judas to decide to besiege Babylon. Or possibly some other place. The bible really underscores the importance of pronouns by its vagueness.
Anyway, there is a siege and some people manage to get to the king and ask him when he's going to avenge the deaths of his citizens and also advise him to give up, given how persistent and murderous these Jews have proven to be. The king gets angry at this and gathers an army of 120 000 men and 32 battle elephants. They head for Bethsura, but the locals fight back and set fire to them. Then Judas shows up, which causes the king to also come in person with even more men. And to the end they might provoke the elephants to fight, they showed them the blood of gapes and mulberries (v. 34). Then they divide the elephants up amongst the armies so that each elephant has 1000 armoured men and 500 horsemen as bodyguards. Each elephant is decked out with a wooden tower containing 32 men, not counting its trainer. Clearly whoever wrote this knew nothing about elephants. When the elephants meet Judas' army, they handily kill 600 of them.
Someone named Eleazar Savaran notices that one of the elephants is bigger than the others and better kitted out, so he surmises that it must be the king's elephant and decides to attack it. He runs towards it in the heat of battle, killing people left and right, until he kills his way to under the elephant, which he stabs in the stomach until it dies and falls on him. Somehow this scares the Jewish army into retreat, so they go back to Jerusalem with Antiochus' forces in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, they have to surrender rather quickly, because they forgot to stock up before they left. For good measure, the king also takes Bethsura and builds a fort.
Somehow, despite Judas surrendering, Antiochus still has to besiege the temple for another seven years. Eventually the food runs out there until only a few starving priests are left.
Around this time, Lysias hears that Philip is back. Another thing the bible could use: structuring words, because I never knew Philip was gone. But apparently Lysias sent him off to Persia and Media on an errand, and now he's back to reclaim the throne. He wants to make peace with the Israelites by letting them live under their own laws. This satisfies the king, and why no one just sat down and had a conversation and worked out their differences years ago is not explained. Antiochus, possibly the son of the other Antiochus, possibly Lysias' son, then goes back to Antiochia, where he finds Philip ruling, even though he was just in Israel.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 5: Bite, bite, bite, fight, fight, fight, the Maccabee show!
The surrounding countries hear about the new altar and aren't happy about it. They invade and Judas handily defeats them. One of them is called Bean, which I'm confident is the result of foresight on the part of the translators. Judas, for his part, is done with taking prisoners and has just started burning his enemies once he defeats them. I can totally see why this guy is a hero.
After awhile, he returns to Israel, much to the discomfit of its occupants. One group, some heathens in a town called Galaad, attack the local Israelites, who shut themselves into a fort and write to Judas for help. While that letter is being read, a contingent arrives from Galilee to complain about similar attacks from their neighbours. But this time, rather than riding out with an army and burning the enemy to death, Judas decides to hold a conference to decide what to do. Eventually he tells his brother Simon to save the Galileans and rides off to Galaad with another brother called Jonathan. They leave someone named Joseph in charge of Judea, instructing him not to start any new wars until they get back.
Simon goes off to Galilee with 3000 men and somehow manages to kill 3000 heathens, whose houses he raids and whose wives and children he enslaves. Judas rides off into the wilderness for three days, where he meets with a group called the Nabathites, who tell them about the situation in Galaad, which is that the enemies are planning to attack the fort. So Judas goes into the city and kills all the men and takes all their stuff, then burns the city because he's a pyromaniac now.
That night he goes to the fort and finds more enemies in the process of attacking it. He kills another 8000 people and then goes off to kill, burn and rob all the enemy cities in celebration. He gets word that yet another army has gathered to attack and goes to meet them. He leaves the scribes behind, then goes off to fight. The enemy is afraid and runs into a temple, so Judas burns the city and the temple. Judas asks all the Israelites living nearby to come back to Judea with him. On the way, they arrive at Ephron, which they can't go over, can't go under, and can't go around, they have to go through it. He promises to do so in peace, but they won't open the gates. So Judas orders his army to pitch their tents and then they attack the city until it falls, then do their usual routine of killing, robbing and burning, which seems a lot more complicated than say, building a ring road.
When his cabal gets to Mount Sion, they have a feast and barbecue, and Simon also comes back. They sit down to discuss their exploits. A couple of army captains are listening in and decide to wage their own battle against the heathens so as to make a name for themselves. They go out and find our old friend Gorgias, then kill 2000 of his men. This sets off a whole trend of Israeites going out and attacking random foreigners. Even a group of priests attacks a city and gets its ass handed to it. This leads to Judas having to go out and do even more valiant acts to stop the other Israelites from showing off
After awhile, he returns to Israel, much to the discomfit of its occupants. One group, some heathens in a town called Galaad, attack the local Israelites, who shut themselves into a fort and write to Judas for help. While that letter is being read, a contingent arrives from Galilee to complain about similar attacks from their neighbours. But this time, rather than riding out with an army and burning the enemy to death, Judas decides to hold a conference to decide what to do. Eventually he tells his brother Simon to save the Galileans and rides off to Galaad with another brother called Jonathan. They leave someone named Joseph in charge of Judea, instructing him not to start any new wars until they get back.
Simon goes off to Galilee with 3000 men and somehow manages to kill 3000 heathens, whose houses he raids and whose wives and children he enslaves. Judas rides off into the wilderness for three days, where he meets with a group called the Nabathites, who tell them about the situation in Galaad, which is that the enemies are planning to attack the fort. So Judas goes into the city and kills all the men and takes all their stuff, then burns the city because he's a pyromaniac now.
That night he goes to the fort and finds more enemies in the process of attacking it. He kills another 8000 people and then goes off to kill, burn and rob all the enemy cities in celebration. He gets word that yet another army has gathered to attack and goes to meet them. He leaves the scribes behind, then goes off to fight. The enemy is afraid and runs into a temple, so Judas burns the city and the temple. Judas asks all the Israelites living nearby to come back to Judea with him. On the way, they arrive at Ephron, which they can't go over, can't go under, and can't go around, they have to go through it. He promises to do so in peace, but they won't open the gates. So Judas orders his army to pitch their tents and then they attack the city until it falls, then do their usual routine of killing, robbing and burning, which seems a lot more complicated than say, building a ring road.
When his cabal gets to Mount Sion, they have a feast and barbecue, and Simon also comes back. They sit down to discuss their exploits. A couple of army captains are listening in and decide to wage their own battle against the heathens so as to make a name for themselves. They go out and find our old friend Gorgias, then kill 2000 of his men. This sets off a whole trend of Israeites going out and attacking random foreigners. Even a group of priests attacks a city and gets its ass handed to it. This leads to Judas having to go out and do even more valiant acts to stop the other Israelites from showing off
Thursday, January 29, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 4: They fight, they bite, they bite and fight and bite
Someone named Gorgias sneaks out of camp with 6000 of the best soldiers, intending to attack the Jews under cover of night. Of course Judas hears about it and sneaks away with his army. Gorgias goes looking for them in the mountain, but they aren't there, either. In the morning, Judas shows up with 3000 men. The men are nervous on seeing the heathen camp, but Judas reminds them about the Red Sea and asks them to pray. Then they go to fight and chase the heathens into the field and a bunch of other places, killing 3000 in the process.
Judas returns to the camp with some spoils, but reminds the people not to be greedy and asks them to come with him for the rest. While he's speaking a bunch of Gorgias' men peek around the corner and see the Jews preparing to leave and wastefully burning their tents and realise they aren't afraid to fight. So they flee to a neutral country. Judas robs their tents.
The escaped soldiers go to Lysias and tell him what's happening, and Lysias is distressed at how poorly things are going. So he raises an army of 65 000 men, which Judas meets with his rabble of 10 000. So he prays to god to turn the army into cowards. When they fight, he kills about 5000 enemy soldiers while Lysias looks down.
Lysias is impressed by the manliness (v. 35) of the Israelite soldiers and how they're prepared to die for their cause. He goes to Antiochia and gathers an army of foreign conscripts and returns to Judea. While he's away, Judas proposes cleaning up the cemetery, but when they arrive on top of Mount Sion, the only thing they can do is weep and rend their clothing and throw ashes on their heads. So Judas appoints a company to actually do the cleaning while he goes back with the rest to fight some more.
The priests on top of the mountain get to work burying the defiled artifacts, but aren't sure of the new temple's design, so they put some stones aside until a prophet can come along and tell them what to do. They do manage to build a new altar and sanctuary as well as some new pots and candlesticks. Once they have everything in place, they decorate the building, burn some incense and sacrifice some bread and sing some songs for eight days. They like it so much they make it an annual tradition, which I think is Hanukkah, but I no longer have an annotated bible. They also build a fort in the hills.
Judas returns to the camp with some spoils, but reminds the people not to be greedy and asks them to come with him for the rest. While he's speaking a bunch of Gorgias' men peek around the corner and see the Jews preparing to leave and wastefully burning their tents and realise they aren't afraid to fight. So they flee to a neutral country. Judas robs their tents.
The escaped soldiers go to Lysias and tell him what's happening, and Lysias is distressed at how poorly things are going. So he raises an army of 65 000 men, which Judas meets with his rabble of 10 000. So he prays to god to turn the army into cowards. When they fight, he kills about 5000 enemy soldiers while Lysias looks down.
Lysias is impressed by the manliness (v. 35) of the Israelite soldiers and how they're prepared to die for their cause. He goes to Antiochia and gathers an army of foreign conscripts and returns to Judea. While he's away, Judas proposes cleaning up the cemetery, but when they arrive on top of Mount Sion, the only thing they can do is weep and rend their clothing and throw ashes on their heads. So Judas appoints a company to actually do the cleaning while he goes back with the rest to fight some more.
The priests on top of the mountain get to work burying the defiled artifacts, but aren't sure of the new temple's design, so they put some stones aside until a prophet can come along and tell them what to do. They do manage to build a new altar and sanctuary as well as some new pots and candlesticks. Once they have everything in place, they decorate the building, burn some incense and sacrifice some bread and sing some songs for eight days. They like it so much they make it an annual tradition, which I think is Hanukkah, but I no longer have an annotated bible. They also build a fort in the hills.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 3: History is written by the winners
Judas and his brothers and their father's followers happily fight a battle in Israel. Judas himself carries a great big sword that he uses to fight sinners, which makes lots of kings nervous.
Someone named Apollonius, presumably one of those kings, gathers an army to fight Judas, who meets him on the battlefield and kills him along with some of his followers. The rest run away. And now, just like the hated Alexander and his progeny, you know, the guys who took all the riches out of the temple, Judas robs his enemies.
Next a certain Seron, a Syrian general, decides to make his name by fighting Judas. Judas meets him with a small army, who immediately start bitching that they can't win since they've been fasting all day. Judas reassures them that god is on their side. So they ride out to meet Seron, who gets his ass handed to him. His army ends up going to the land of the Philistines.
Now all the neighbouring countries are afraid of Judas and even Antiochus hears about him, and he's pissed. He sends out all his armies and bribes the soldiers with a year's pay. Unfortunately, when he opens up the treasury to get the money out, he discovers there isn't much there because god has sent rebellions and plague as punishment for breaking the laws. So he decides to invade Persia to restock and leaves a nobleman named Lysias in charge. He leaves behind his son, also called Antiochus, and some elephants and asks him to take care of the Jewish problem.
Lysias sends a general called Ptolomee with 47 000 people to conquer Judas once and for all. The army camps in Emmaus, where they are promptly set upon by silver and gold merchants and people wanting to buy the Israelites as slaves. A couple of companies from Syria and Philistine also join in. Judas and his army are not intimidated, but they do pray.
All this time, Jerusalem is a ghost town and the temple is destroyed. The Israelites are forced to pray in another place called Maspha, wearing sackcloth and ashes. When they finish, Judas appoints new captains and dismisses the people who are building houses, engaged, busy with the planting, or just shit-scared. He moves the rest south of Emmaus, where they prepare to attack int he morning.
Someone named Apollonius, presumably one of those kings, gathers an army to fight Judas, who meets him on the battlefield and kills him along with some of his followers. The rest run away. And now, just like the hated Alexander and his progeny, you know, the guys who took all the riches out of the temple, Judas robs his enemies.
Next a certain Seron, a Syrian general, decides to make his name by fighting Judas. Judas meets him with a small army, who immediately start bitching that they can't win since they've been fasting all day. Judas reassures them that god is on their side. So they ride out to meet Seron, who gets his ass handed to him. His army ends up going to the land of the Philistines.
Now all the neighbouring countries are afraid of Judas and even Antiochus hears about him, and he's pissed. He sends out all his armies and bribes the soldiers with a year's pay. Unfortunately, when he opens up the treasury to get the money out, he discovers there isn't much there because god has sent rebellions and plague as punishment for breaking the laws. So he decides to invade Persia to restock and leaves a nobleman named Lysias in charge. He leaves behind his son, also called Antiochus, and some elephants and asks him to take care of the Jewish problem.
Lysias sends a general called Ptolomee with 47 000 people to conquer Judas once and for all. The army camps in Emmaus, where they are promptly set upon by silver and gold merchants and people wanting to buy the Israelites as slaves. A couple of companies from Syria and Philistine also join in. Judas and his army are not intimidated, but they do pray.
All this time, Jerusalem is a ghost town and the temple is destroyed. The Israelites are forced to pray in another place called Maspha, wearing sackcloth and ashes. When they finish, Judas appoints new captains and dismisses the people who are building houses, engaged, busy with the planting, or just shit-scared. He moves the rest south of Emmaus, where they prepare to attack int he morning.
Monday, January 26, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 2: Sacriligious sacrificing
Matthias is a priest in Jerusalem and he has 5 sons. The middle one is called Judas, and nicknamed Maccabeus, which leads me to believe he might become important later. Anyway, Matthias laments all the sinning going on in Jerusalem and he and his sons put on sackcloth.
At the same time, the king's men arrive in a city called Modin and try to make the people there sacrifice. The people go to Matthias for help. The soldiers praise Matthias and co. and ask them to make the fist sacrifice. They promise if they do, the king will like them. But Matthias refuses. As he's speaking, a Jew comes up to the altar to make a sacrilegious sacrifice, which makes Matthias' kidneys tremble, so he kills the guy right there on the sanctuary, along with the king's commissioner. For good measure, he breaks the altar. Then he shouts so all can hear Whosoever is zealous of the law, and maintaineth the covenant, let him follow me. (v. 27). Then he and his sons flee into the mountains, and some of their followers head for the wilderness.
When the king's garrison in the city finds out what happened, they go looking for Matthias' party and surround them on the sabbath day. They promise that those who agree to come back and obey the king will be pardoned, but they won't come out because it's the sabbath. So the king's men attack, but the Jews refuse to fight back, and a thousand of them die.
Matthias' group hears about this and mourns, and they all agree that if they don't fight, they'll all die. So they decide to fight, even if it's the sabbath.
Now a group of Assideans, a sort of fighting yeshiva student, shows up, along with a bunch of other refugees. They slay the sinners and the wicked, but some get away and join the heathens. So Matthias and his new army go around pulling down the altars and circumcising children and avenging themselves on sinners.
They do this for awhile, long enough for Matthias to get old. As he's dying, he passes his crusade on to his sons and tells them the story of the Old Testament again. He appoints Judas Maccabeus as the leader, then dies at age 146.
At the same time, the king's men arrive in a city called Modin and try to make the people there sacrifice. The people go to Matthias for help. The soldiers praise Matthias and co. and ask them to make the fist sacrifice. They promise if they do, the king will like them. But Matthias refuses. As he's speaking, a Jew comes up to the altar to make a sacrilegious sacrifice, which makes Matthias' kidneys tremble, so he kills the guy right there on the sanctuary, along with the king's commissioner. For good measure, he breaks the altar. Then he shouts so all can hear Whosoever is zealous of the law, and maintaineth the covenant, let him follow me. (v. 27). Then he and his sons flee into the mountains, and some of their followers head for the wilderness.
When the king's garrison in the city finds out what happened, they go looking for Matthias' party and surround them on the sabbath day. They promise that those who agree to come back and obey the king will be pardoned, but they won't come out because it's the sabbath. So the king's men attack, but the Jews refuse to fight back, and a thousand of them die.
Matthias' group hears about this and mourns, and they all agree that if they don't fight, they'll all die. So they decide to fight, even if it's the sabbath.
Now a group of Assideans, a sort of fighting yeshiva student, shows up, along with a bunch of other refugees. They slay the sinners and the wicked, but some get away and join the heathens. So Matthias and his new army go around pulling down the altars and circumcising children and avenging themselves on sinners.
They do this for awhile, long enough for Matthias to get old. As he's dying, he passes his crusade on to his sons and tells them the story of the Old Testament again. He appoints Judas Maccabeus as the leader, then dies at age 146.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 1: Choking on my ham sandwich
Alexander the Great, king of Macedonia and eventually Greece, killed Darius, king of the Persians, among others, and started a lot of wars and stole a lot of stuff and conquered a lot of territory. Then he gets sick and it looks like he's gonna die. So he calls up his slaves and divides his holdings up among them. Each of them puts a crown on his head and tries to pass it along to his son. You can imagine how well this works out. The very worst of them is called Antiochus Epiphanes, whose father was a hostage in Rome and then the king. One of them ruled in the year 137 of the Greek calendar.
At the same time, there are a lot of wicked people in Israel who want to make a treaty with the heathens surrounding them. Some of them go to their king, who grants them leave to make a treaty. So they build a palace of exercise (v. 14) in Jerusalem and uncircumcise themselves, which is somehow supposed to please the Greeks.
When Antiochus has occupied Israel, he decides his next conquest will be Egypt. The current Ptolemee flees, which makes victory easy. Six years later, Antiochus returns to Israel and steals all the stuff out of the temple. There's a list, even. Then he goes back to Greece and brags about all the killing he did.
This has a terrible effect on Israel, it makes the virgins feeble and turns the women ugly, which turns the grooms right off. The king lets things rest for a couple of years, but then sends his tax collectors to Jerusalem, but actually they sack the city and burn it and take all the women and children hostage, as well as the cows. Then they rebuild the city with new walls.
Antiochus writes to all of his conquered territories to say they should be one big happy family, and most of the nations sign up, including some Israelites, who stop sacrificing and start eating delicious, delicious bacon. They also fail to circumcise their kids. It helps that Antiochus sends another letter telling people that if they don't become Greek, they'll be executed.
Some of the Israelites flee into the mountains, but most of them set up idolatrous altars and start worshiping. They even burn their Torahs and make it illegal to have one. Eventually they get around to killing more people, this time including women who had their sons circumcised. The remaining Isrealites decide to give up the unclean food, thinking it's better to die than to eat a ham sandwich.
At the same time, there are a lot of wicked people in Israel who want to make a treaty with the heathens surrounding them. Some of them go to their king, who grants them leave to make a treaty. So they build a palace of exercise (v. 14) in Jerusalem and uncircumcise themselves, which is somehow supposed to please the Greeks.
When Antiochus has occupied Israel, he decides his next conquest will be Egypt. The current Ptolemee flees, which makes victory easy. Six years later, Antiochus returns to Israel and steals all the stuff out of the temple. There's a list, even. Then he goes back to Greece and brags about all the killing he did.
This has a terrible effect on Israel, it makes the virgins feeble and turns the women ugly, which turns the grooms right off. The king lets things rest for a couple of years, but then sends his tax collectors to Jerusalem, but actually they sack the city and burn it and take all the women and children hostage, as well as the cows. Then they rebuild the city with new walls.
Antiochus writes to all of his conquered territories to say they should be one big happy family, and most of the nations sign up, including some Israelites, who stop sacrificing and start eating delicious, delicious bacon. They also fail to circumcise their kids. It helps that Antiochus sends another letter telling people that if they don't become Greek, they'll be executed.
Some of the Israelites flee into the mountains, but most of them set up idolatrous altars and start worshiping. They even burn their Torahs and make it illegal to have one. Eventually they get around to killing more people, this time including women who had their sons circumcised. The remaining Isrealites decide to give up the unclean food, thinking it's better to die than to eat a ham sandwich.
Friday, January 23, 2015
The Prayer of Manasses
One chapter, one verse, half a page. This I can get behind. Manasses was the king of Juda and was taken to Babylon. Where he prays to god for forgiveness for all the things he did to end up kidnapped in another country. None of it is interesting enough to write about.
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