Chapter 35
Following the law means making offerings. For example, if you follow the commandments, you've made a peace offering. If you do a good turn, you can save your flour. If you donate to charity, you can skip praise sacrifices. Forsaking unrighteousness allows you to skip atonements. Of course, you still need to make sacrifices, and cheerfully, in proportion to your income.
There's more about not giving corrupted gifts and how god will enrich you seven times over if you sacrifice a goat or whatever, and also about how god loves poor people, widows and bastards in equal proportion to how much he loves rich people. Except of course that in any cult, the richest member is also always the most favoured. And of course bad people will be punished. Unless they're rich.
Chapter 36
Solomon challenges god to let the strange nations (v. 3) see his power. He wants some signs that god is actually up there, preferably in the form of smiting. He'd also like his rival kings' heads chopped off. He also praises righteous women, but urges men to grow hedges around their property, lest said virtuous women forget for a second. Finally, he tells us not to trust homeless people.
Chapter 37
Don't you hate it when a friend turns into an enemy? Also, be wary of consellors, because they're all after something. And don't advise people who are jealous of you, or take advice from a woman who is jealous of your wife. Don't consult with cowards on war. Actually, the ONLY person I'd want consulting me on a war is a coward. The list goes on for much longer, but the basic message is: avoid talking to people with agendas. Which is everybody. Stop vaguebooking, Solomon, and just spill on whoever betrayed you.
So who should you trust? Yourself, and other godly people. Finally, don't eat too much meat or you might get cholera.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Ecclesiasticus Chapters 33 & 34: Would your brother run away?
Chapter 33
No bad things will happen to true believers. Wise men love the law, and trust it, and it loves them back, but it will make hypocrites feel like ships in a storm. Foolish people's minds are like cart wheels.
Stallions are terrible friends that complain whenever you ride them. The very next verse asks why some days are awesome even though all the light comes from the sun? What? Oh, because god made seasons and feasts, and holidays are naturally better than other days, especially when you get to get drunk.
Next we are reminded that men come from dirt and god made them very diverse. He likes some, but not others, because he's a potter, just not a very good one, because he isn't very consistent.
Solomon is not a morning person, but by getting up late, he gleaned the fields after the grape pickers. God liked that for whatever reason, so people bought his wine. He doesn't do this for himself, mind, he wants to help the intellectually curious. Not by giving them clear instructions, of course. So now, even though he just told us a couple of chapters ago to lend people money if they asked for it in the full knowledge that you won't get it back, he now instructs us not to give our stuff away in case we need it again in the future. Also, if you give your stuff to your kids too early, you end up a King Lear.
Now he moves on to the care and feeding of property. See, there are a lot of similarities between donkeys and slaves: both need food, whipping and work. And you really need to work your slave, otherwise he'll start thinking about liberty. If he's disobedient, give him more work. But not excessive work. You did pay for him. And of course you're supposed to explain all of this in terms of brotherhood: you need your slave like you need your brother. Though if your brother runs away, you wouldn't normally seek him with the police.
Chapter 34
Fools take their dreams literally. Unclean things can't be cleansed. No truth can come from falsehood. Divination is stupid. Only receive visitors from god. The law, which in its current form allows men to 'study' on state welfare for 20 years (conveniently, until exactly the age one is considered too old for military service) while their wives have 8 or more children and have to spend a week each month in a separate 'menstruation hut', is perfect. Traveling makes you wise.
Solomon understands better than he speaks. He traveled a lot, and faced death many times. Alas, not before he wrote this book. He didn't die because he's a true believer and god protects true believers.
Don't sacrifice fenced animals. That's fenced as in 'stolen property' not as in 'was behind a fence.' God doesn't like offerings made by wicked people, repeat sinners or those who have fleeced the poor, which is the same as killing a son in front of his father. Even though we've just heard that god made all shades of humanity, including the poor, and one presumes he could make their lives less precarious by say, giving them more money or just not inventing scoundrels.
No bad things will happen to true believers. Wise men love the law, and trust it, and it loves them back, but it will make hypocrites feel like ships in a storm. Foolish people's minds are like cart wheels.
Stallions are terrible friends that complain whenever you ride them. The very next verse asks why some days are awesome even though all the light comes from the sun? What? Oh, because god made seasons and feasts, and holidays are naturally better than other days, especially when you get to get drunk.
Next we are reminded that men come from dirt and god made them very diverse. He likes some, but not others, because he's a potter, just not a very good one, because he isn't very consistent.
Solomon is not a morning person, but by getting up late, he gleaned the fields after the grape pickers. God liked that for whatever reason, so people bought his wine. He doesn't do this for himself, mind, he wants to help the intellectually curious. Not by giving them clear instructions, of course. So now, even though he just told us a couple of chapters ago to lend people money if they asked for it in the full knowledge that you won't get it back, he now instructs us not to give our stuff away in case we need it again in the future. Also, if you give your stuff to your kids too early, you end up a King Lear.
Now he moves on to the care and feeding of property. See, there are a lot of similarities between donkeys and slaves: both need food, whipping and work. And you really need to work your slave, otherwise he'll start thinking about liberty. If he's disobedient, give him more work. But not excessive work. You did pay for him. And of course you're supposed to explain all of this in terms of brotherhood: you need your slave like you need your brother. Though if your brother runs away, you wouldn't normally seek him with the police.
Chapter 34
Fools take their dreams literally. Unclean things can't be cleansed. No truth can come from falsehood. Divination is stupid. Only receive visitors from god. The law, which in its current form allows men to 'study' on state welfare for 20 years (conveniently, until exactly the age one is considered too old for military service) while their wives have 8 or more children and have to spend a week each month in a separate 'menstruation hut', is perfect. Traveling makes you wise.
Solomon understands better than he speaks. He traveled a lot, and faced death many times. Alas, not before he wrote this book. He didn't die because he's a true believer and god protects true believers.
Don't sacrifice fenced animals. That's fenced as in 'stolen property' not as in 'was behind a fence.' God doesn't like offerings made by wicked people, repeat sinners or those who have fleeced the poor, which is the same as killing a son in front of his father. Even though we've just heard that god made all shades of humanity, including the poor, and one presumes he could make their lives less precarious by say, giving them more money or just not inventing scoundrels.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 31 & 32: Biblical table manners
Chapter 31
Trying to get rich will wear you out and staying rich will keep you awake at night, mostly because you're full of rich food. Poors, on the other hand, go to bed hungry. Nonetheless, loving gold is unjustifiable and will ruin your life. Rich people who don't chase gold are blessed. Oh, I see. They're talking metaphorical riches. The kind that doesn't pay its rent.
If you happen to be rich, don't forget to host dinner parties, but also don't brag about how you can afford fancy meat. People will love you if you have them over for dinner, but resent you if you don't invite them. Also, eyes are the most wicked body part and you shouldn't reach for everything you can see.
Eat what is put in front of you, but don't be greedy about it. Be the first to finish, it's just good manners. If there are lots of people at the table, don't reach for the food first. You only actually need a little bit of food if you're well-fed. Furthermore, you'll sleep better and wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed if you eat in moderation, but gluttons will have all kinds of health problems.
If you've somehow been forced to eat, go out and vomit before you sleep and you'll rest better. Wine makes people stupid brave, though it is fine in moderation. Still, don't criticise your neighbour if he indulges a little too much.
Chapter 32
When you host, be a good host: don't sit at a head table and make sure your guests are having fun. Speeches have their place, but so does music. Always include music at your dinner parties. Don't try to be the equal of great men. Never be the last to go home from a party.
Always seek advice, and never repent your mistakes. Don't take risks. Be confident. Be wary of your own kids.
Trying to get rich will wear you out and staying rich will keep you awake at night, mostly because you're full of rich food. Poors, on the other hand, go to bed hungry. Nonetheless, loving gold is unjustifiable and will ruin your life. Rich people who don't chase gold are blessed. Oh, I see. They're talking metaphorical riches. The kind that doesn't pay its rent.
If you happen to be rich, don't forget to host dinner parties, but also don't brag about how you can afford fancy meat. People will love you if you have them over for dinner, but resent you if you don't invite them. Also, eyes are the most wicked body part and you shouldn't reach for everything you can see.
Eat what is put in front of you, but don't be greedy about it. Be the first to finish, it's just good manners. If there are lots of people at the table, don't reach for the food first. You only actually need a little bit of food if you're well-fed. Furthermore, you'll sleep better and wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed if you eat in moderation, but gluttons will have all kinds of health problems.
If you've somehow been forced to eat, go out and vomit before you sleep and you'll rest better. Wine makes people stupid brave, though it is fine in moderation. Still, don't criticise your neighbour if he indulges a little too much.
Chapter 32
When you host, be a good host: don't sit at a head table and make sure your guests are having fun. Speeches have their place, but so does music. Always include music at your dinner parties. Don't try to be the equal of great men. Never be the last to go home from a party.
Always seek advice, and never repent your mistakes. Don't take risks. Be confident. Be wary of your own kids.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 28 - 30 : No dinner parties!
Chapter 28
Don't seek vengeance. Rather, forgive and let god take care of it. Also, being angry leads to a lot of fights, so learn to count to ten. Rich and strong people tend to be the angriest, so avoid investment bankers and muscle gyms. Fighting in haste leads to hasty killing. Rumours spark wars and get women kicked out of their houses. In fact, they're more harmful than swords.
Chapter 29
The bible recommends lending money to your neighbours. That's how you know it's a very stupid book you should not pay attention to unless you're like me, a literary nerd. It is aware that there are people out there who are your best friend until you lend them money, but then suddenly have appointments any time you try to collect. It also acknowledges that the most you'll see is half of your money and often all you'll get is ill-will. It even admits that a lot of people refuse to give out loans because of these exact problems. Nonetheless, it advises you to loan the money and be patient and let it not rust under a stone to be lost (v. 10).
It also thinks you should act as a guarantor for other people's loans, even though people have ended up homeless as a result. All you really need is water, bread, clothing and a house, and it's better to be a pauper in a cottage than to eat nice food at someone else's house. So, no accepting invitations to supper, then? Anyway, try to be happy with what you have
Chapter 30
Loving your child means beating him occasionally. Also, when you die he'll kill your enemies, because living in Papua New Guinea sounds so awesome. Spoiling your son means his bowels will be troubled at every cry (v. 7) and your kid will be wilful. It also means you'll eventually fear him. If you play with your kids, you'll regret it. In fact, don't even laugh with your kids or you'll end up in tears. Give him no liberty and don't give him breaks when he screws up. Keep him busy in the fields so he doesn't have time for fornication.
Health: better to be healthy and poor than rich and sick. Even though chances are, if you're poor, you're also sick. Better dead than bitter or chronically ill. Giving good food to ingrates is the same as putting meat on a grave, because it doesn't do any good to anyone. Keep sweet.
Don't seek vengeance. Rather, forgive and let god take care of it. Also, being angry leads to a lot of fights, so learn to count to ten. Rich and strong people tend to be the angriest, so avoid investment bankers and muscle gyms. Fighting in haste leads to hasty killing. Rumours spark wars and get women kicked out of their houses. In fact, they're more harmful than swords.
Chapter 29
The bible recommends lending money to your neighbours. That's how you know it's a very stupid book you should not pay attention to unless you're like me, a literary nerd. It is aware that there are people out there who are your best friend until you lend them money, but then suddenly have appointments any time you try to collect. It also acknowledges that the most you'll see is half of your money and often all you'll get is ill-will. It even admits that a lot of people refuse to give out loans because of these exact problems. Nonetheless, it advises you to loan the money and be patient and let it not rust under a stone to be lost (v. 10).
It also thinks you should act as a guarantor for other people's loans, even though people have ended up homeless as a result. All you really need is water, bread, clothing and a house, and it's better to be a pauper in a cottage than to eat nice food at someone else's house. So, no accepting invitations to supper, then? Anyway, try to be happy with what you have
Chapter 30
Loving your child means beating him occasionally. Also, when you die he'll kill your enemies, because living in Papua New Guinea sounds so awesome. Spoiling your son means his bowels will be troubled at every cry (v. 7) and your kid will be wilful. It also means you'll eventually fear him. If you play with your kids, you'll regret it. In fact, don't even laugh with your kids or you'll end up in tears. Give him no liberty and don't give him breaks when he screws up. Keep him busy in the fields so he doesn't have time for fornication.
Health: better to be healthy and poor than rich and sick. Even though chances are, if you're poor, you're also sick. Better dead than bitter or chronically ill. Giving good food to ingrates is the same as putting meat on a grave, because it doesn't do any good to anyone. Keep sweet.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapter 26 & 27: How to put a wicked wife to good use
Chapter 26
After 26 verses about all the harm a wicked wife will unleash on the world, we get three on how awesome a virtuous wife is. Apparently, you'll double your life span if you get one. How do you know if you have a good wife? A silent and loving woman is a gift of the lord (v. 14). Also she'll keep the house clean and stay hot even when she's old. Only godly men will get godly wives.
More lists: first, three things Solomon is afraid of: slandering of cities, mobs and false accusations. All these things are worse than death. Even worse than those things is a woman who is jealous of another woman.
Now we're back on the evils of wicked women because the bible is nothing if not consistent in its misogyny. Bad wives are like scorpions. Drunk women, those who insist on going out on their own, and those who refuse to cover her own shame (v. 8) all piss people off. You can tell if a woman is a whore or not by the way she looks at you and her eyelids. If your daughter is a teenager, keep her inside. Don't be surprised if she resents this. Especially don't let her near fountains, where travelers often stop, because she'll open her quiver against every arrow (v. 11). Also, an harlot shall be accounted as spittle (v. 22) and a shameless woman shall be counted as a dog (v. 25). There is one good use for loud women who scold their husbands: they drive enemies away.
Once you do finally find a good wife, have lots of children so you can outbreed the heathens.
Two things that upset Solomon: poor veterans and smart people who get ignored. One thing that pisses him off: apostates. He wants to kill them all with a sword. It is nearly impossible for a merchant to avoid sin, and completely impossible for a huckster.
Chapter 27
Solomon elaborates on his disdain for commerce: there is a lot of sin in buying and selling, mostly because of all the bullshitting that goes on during haggling.
Anyone can be holy if they believe, just not the long list of people outlined in this book. And of course as long as you don't succumb to temptation.
Spend all the time you like with wise men, but leave early when in the company of fools. People who swear a lot make Solomon's hair stand on end. The ensuing fighting makes him cover his ears.
Be good to your friends and don't tell their secrets. Should you spill one by accident, just end the friendship. Winking is evil, because it's a sign of smarminess, and if there's anything Solomon hates, it's smarm. Of course those who cast stones hit themselves and malice and wrath are sins.
After 26 verses about all the harm a wicked wife will unleash on the world, we get three on how awesome a virtuous wife is. Apparently, you'll double your life span if you get one. How do you know if you have a good wife? A silent and loving woman is a gift of the lord (v. 14). Also she'll keep the house clean and stay hot even when she's old. Only godly men will get godly wives.
More lists: first, three things Solomon is afraid of: slandering of cities, mobs and false accusations. All these things are worse than death. Even worse than those things is a woman who is jealous of another woman.
Now we're back on the evils of wicked women because the bible is nothing if not consistent in its misogyny. Bad wives are like scorpions. Drunk women, those who insist on going out on their own, and those who refuse to cover her own shame (v. 8) all piss people off. You can tell if a woman is a whore or not by the way she looks at you and her eyelids. If your daughter is a teenager, keep her inside. Don't be surprised if she resents this. Especially don't let her near fountains, where travelers often stop, because she'll open her quiver against every arrow (v. 11). Also, an harlot shall be accounted as spittle (v. 22) and a shameless woman shall be counted as a dog (v. 25). There is one good use for loud women who scold their husbands: they drive enemies away.
Once you do finally find a good wife, have lots of children so you can outbreed the heathens.
Two things that upset Solomon: poor veterans and smart people who get ignored. One thing that pisses him off: apostates. He wants to kill them all with a sword. It is nearly impossible for a merchant to avoid sin, and completely impossible for a huckster.
Chapter 27
Solomon elaborates on his disdain for commerce: there is a lot of sin in buying and selling, mostly because of all the bullshitting that goes on during haggling.
Anyone can be holy if they believe, just not the long list of people outlined in this book. And of course as long as you don't succumb to temptation.
Spend all the time you like with wise men, but leave early when in the company of fools. People who swear a lot make Solomon's hair stand on end. The ensuing fighting makes him cover his ears.
Be good to your friends and don't tell their secrets. Should you spill one by accident, just end the friendship. Winking is evil, because it's a sign of smarminess, and if there's anything Solomon hates, it's smarm. Of course those who cast stones hit themselves and malice and wrath are sins.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 23- 25: Sex Crimes and Misdemeanours
Chapter 23
Solomon turns away from extolling the virtues of wisdom for a bit to pray to god to keep him holy. Holiness includes not eating and refraining from sex. Remember this guy has 1000 wives. And not gossiping or swearing. Or dishonouring your parents. Or fornicating or whoremongering. Cheating on your wife is bad, but thinking god will forget about your sins is worse. The very worst, of course, is a woman who leaves her husband and has a child with another man, because she has betrayed both god and her family. The punishment for her is public humiliation and infertility for herself and her children. Even after she dies, we should curse her name.
Chapter 24
Wisdom is now bragging about how awesome she is and how favoured by god. She's worshiped everywhere. She smells like cinnamon, rooibos, myrrh, galbanum, onyx, balsa wood and frankincense. I'm surprised no vintners market their wines this way. She makes a bunch of promises to those who seek her, but also warns us that complete understanding isn't possible.
Chapter 25
Now we're back to relationships. And lists. But at least the lists aren't genealogy. The three most beautiful things are: family unity, loving your neighbours, and a couple that gets along. Likewise, there are three things Solomon hates: people who are proud but poor, rich liars and old adulterers who doateth (v. 2).
The next thing he wants to talk about is old age. To prepare for old age, you need to learn stuff in your youth, so you'll be a good judge later on. You know, the Morgan Freeman old people, not the Grandpa Simpson types.
Now, completely on-topic: the nine things that make Solomon happy: children, living to see your enemy die (fuck yeah!) smart wives, not gossiping, being a slave to someone who's better than you , prudence, talking to people that listen, wisdom, fearing god. The worst thing you could do to Sol is be a wicked woman. He'd rather live with a lion AND a dragon. Also it makes you ugly. Other people will lose their courage, frown a lot and have wounded hearts. So if you have a wicked wife, for god's sake lock her in the house. If she won't stay inside, divorce her. He also can't stand affliction if his enemies do the afflicting or revenge if his enemies are getting it. He pities quiet men who live with chatty women. He warns us against pretty women, which his thousand wives must LOVE him for. He also says that women who outearn their husbands are full of anger, imputdence and much reproach (v. 22). Women who won't coddle their husbands' man colds cause weak knees and hands.
Solomon turns away from extolling the virtues of wisdom for a bit to pray to god to keep him holy. Holiness includes not eating and refraining from sex. Remember this guy has 1000 wives. And not gossiping or swearing. Or dishonouring your parents. Or fornicating or whoremongering. Cheating on your wife is bad, but thinking god will forget about your sins is worse. The very worst, of course, is a woman who leaves her husband and has a child with another man, because she has betrayed both god and her family. The punishment for her is public humiliation and infertility for herself and her children. Even after she dies, we should curse her name.
Chapter 24
Wisdom is now bragging about how awesome she is and how favoured by god. She's worshiped everywhere. She smells like cinnamon, rooibos, myrrh, galbanum, onyx, balsa wood and frankincense. I'm surprised no vintners market their wines this way. She makes a bunch of promises to those who seek her, but also warns us that complete understanding isn't possible.
Chapter 25
Now we're back to relationships. And lists. But at least the lists aren't genealogy. The three most beautiful things are: family unity, loving your neighbours, and a couple that gets along. Likewise, there are three things Solomon hates: people who are proud but poor, rich liars and old adulterers who doateth (v. 2).
The next thing he wants to talk about is old age. To prepare for old age, you need to learn stuff in your youth, so you'll be a good judge later on. You know, the Morgan Freeman old people, not the Grandpa Simpson types.
Now, completely on-topic: the nine things that make Solomon happy: children, living to see your enemy die (fuck yeah!) smart wives, not gossiping, being a slave to someone who's better than you , prudence, talking to people that listen, wisdom, fearing god. The worst thing you could do to Sol is be a wicked woman. He'd rather live with a lion AND a dragon. Also it makes you ugly. Other people will lose their courage, frown a lot and have wounded hearts. So if you have a wicked wife, for god's sake lock her in the house. If she won't stay inside, divorce her. He also can't stand affliction if his enemies do the afflicting or revenge if his enemies are getting it. He pities quiet men who live with chatty women. He warns us against pretty women, which his thousand wives must LOVE him for. He also says that women who outearn their husbands are full of anger, imputdence and much reproach (v. 22). Women who won't coddle their husbands' man colds cause weak knees and hands.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 21-22: How to challenge a friend to a swordfight
Chapter 21
If you've sinned, ask forgiveness. Stay away from sin as it's like a snake with lion's teeth. Rich people's prayers don't reach god's ears. Eloquent men become famous, but smart men know when the eloquent ones are bullshitting. Buying a house with borrowed money is like gathering the stones for your tomb. Congregations of evil people will be set on fire. You will understand the law if you keep it. Stupid people cannot learn and wisdom can make you bitter, but always listen to wise men. There are a lot of 'stupid is as stupid does' versus. Methinks Solly isn't very self-reflective. Skilled men can learn from the wisdom they hear. Fools laugh but wise men only smile. Fools look in your windows but wise men don't. Neither of those things would make you look smarter in my books.
Chapter 22
Finally! We move from stupid people to lazy ones. Lazy people are also dirty. And their sons bring them shame and their daughters are unprofitable. Smart daughters will have dowries.Bold women are a source of shame for their fathers and their husbands and will end up despised and alone.
Pick your moment to tell stories, but know that wisdom is always appreciated. Then we go back to fools. Apparently there is some hope: virtuous children can make up for their shitty parents. In this verse, at least. See, oh, the entire Old Testament for the contradictory claim that sinning great-great-great grandparents can fuck up your life a hundred years later.
You get one week to mourn people, but fools and atheists will always be in mourning. Solomon, the smartest man on the planet, mind, asks what is heavier than lead. Now, just one chapter after we were told that it's better to let your anger out, we're told that telling a friend off will ruin the friendship. As will drawing a sword if you intend to fight him. You may make up with your friend in future, unless you've upbraided him, acted pridefully, told his secrets, or injured him physically. Then the friendship is gone.
If you've sinned, ask forgiveness. Stay away from sin as it's like a snake with lion's teeth. Rich people's prayers don't reach god's ears. Eloquent men become famous, but smart men know when the eloquent ones are bullshitting. Buying a house with borrowed money is like gathering the stones for your tomb. Congregations of evil people will be set on fire. You will understand the law if you keep it. Stupid people cannot learn and wisdom can make you bitter, but always listen to wise men. There are a lot of 'stupid is as stupid does' versus. Methinks Solly isn't very self-reflective. Skilled men can learn from the wisdom they hear. Fools laugh but wise men only smile. Fools look in your windows but wise men don't. Neither of those things would make you look smarter in my books.
Chapter 22
Finally! We move from stupid people to lazy ones. Lazy people are also dirty. And their sons bring them shame and their daughters are unprofitable. Smart daughters will have dowries.Bold women are a source of shame for their fathers and their husbands and will end up despised and alone.
Pick your moment to tell stories, but know that wisdom is always appreciated. Then we go back to fools. Apparently there is some hope: virtuous children can make up for their shitty parents. In this verse, at least. See, oh, the entire Old Testament for the contradictory claim that sinning great-great-great grandparents can fuck up your life a hundred years later.
You get one week to mourn people, but fools and atheists will always be in mourning. Solomon, the smartest man on the planet, mind, asks what is heavier than lead. Now, just one chapter after we were told that it's better to let your anger out, we're told that telling a friend off will ruin the friendship. As will drawing a sword if you intend to fight him. You may make up with your friend in future, unless you've upbraided him, acted pridefully, told his secrets, or injured him physically. Then the friendship is gone.
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