Psalm 126
During one of the Israelites' many periods in exile, the psalmist asks god to restore them to their rightful land.
Psalm 127
I'm always surprised by the verses that wacky extremists seize on. So this psalm, despite being only 5 verses long, packs a lot into a short space. First it informs us that if your house or city isn't god-approved, there's no point building it. Nor is there any point in getting up early, working hard, and going to bed late, because if god doesn't like you, you won't get to eat. Then it tells us to have kids. Like 20+. Because they're a reward from god. Career? Travel? Art? Books? Nope. Why? Because they didn't exist when this book was written.
Psalm 128
More on the theme of fearing god: if you do, your vines will be plentiful, as will your wife's womb. Yet another thing to blame the women for. Oh, and you'll live long enough to see your grandchildren.
Psalm 129
A lot of metaphors about using gardening implements on your enemies. It's very Cohen brothers.
Psalm 130
Whoops! God has stopped opening and closing wombs and is ignoring the psalmist again.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Psalms 121-125: Postcards from the edge
Thank goodness these ones are all short after Friday's epic prayer.
Psalm 121
Over hill, over dale who's that coming down the trail to help our faithful psalmist? Why god, of course, who never sleeps and provides shade from the sun. So no need for sunscreen then, right?
Psalm 122
This one is written like a tourist postcard from a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. I'm sure hundreds of them are still sent using almost the exact same words.
Psalm 123
Blah blah blah mercycakes.
Psalm 124
Thank goodness god was there all those times enemies attacked!
Psalm 125
Another prayer for peace and security that nonetheless ends by asking god to smite hostile tribes.
Psalm 121
Over hill, over dale who's that coming down the trail to help our faithful psalmist? Why god, of course, who never sleeps and provides shade from the sun. So no need for sunscreen then, right?
Psalm 122
This one is written like a tourist postcard from a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. I'm sure hundreds of them are still sent using almost the exact same words.
Psalm 123
Blah blah blah mercycakes.
Psalm 124
Thank goodness god was there all those times enemies attacked!
Psalm 125
Another prayer for peace and security that nonetheless ends by asking god to smite hostile tribes.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Psalms 116-120: the long and short of it
Psalm 116
God finally talks to the psalmist, who uses the opportunity to bitch about how he's sooo close to dying. Rather than leave him to it, god restores him to the land of the living (v. 9), where he promises to devote his life to praise.
Psalm 117
The only notable thing about this Psalm is that it's the shortest chapter in the bible, so short it doesn't even have time to ask god to smite anybody.
Psalm 118
Mercy, mercy, mercy. God destroyed my enemies. Praise, praise, praise.
Psalm 119
Ugh. The longest chapter in this entire book and it's a love poem to god's laws.
First, people who keep god's laws are perfect. Like Gwyneth Paltrow perfect.
In the next section, the psalmist is pretending to be a young man seeking to make his way in the world. The best advice he's given? Follow god's laws. Or start your own religion and make up your own laws.
Next, the psalmist tells us how hot and bothered he gets just thinking about being judged by god and begs him to make him understand it better. If you substitute 'spanking' for 'law' it gets pretty kinky.
Then there's the inevitable request for mercy and a recap of all the times it helped him in the past and the invariable plea for more attention. And of course to punish the wicked. Never forget to curse the wicked!
Then he starts bragging about how, thanks to god's law, he's smarter than anyone. No self-awareness whatsoever, after all those verses about proud and arrogant people.
The psalmist loves law more than gold. I guess no one told him how frequently those two things go together. He also pants when he thinks about how much he loves it (v. 131). I told you it's kinky.
Then there are several verses about how god's word is so beautiful, it hurts to look at it. He also informs us that he prays seven times a day.
Psalm 120
This is the Psalm of the expat gone mad: he complains about how much he hates the locals, how they're all lying war-mongerers and asks god to please let him go home. You can never go home again, my friend.
God finally talks to the psalmist, who uses the opportunity to bitch about how he's sooo close to dying. Rather than leave him to it, god restores him to the land of the living (v. 9), where he promises to devote his life to praise.
Psalm 117
The only notable thing about this Psalm is that it's the shortest chapter in the bible, so short it doesn't even have time to ask god to smite anybody.
Psalm 118
Mercy, mercy, mercy. God destroyed my enemies. Praise, praise, praise.
Psalm 119
Ugh. The longest chapter in this entire book and it's a love poem to god's laws.
First, people who keep god's laws are perfect. Like Gwyneth Paltrow perfect.
In the next section, the psalmist is pretending to be a young man seeking to make his way in the world. The best advice he's given? Follow god's laws. Or start your own religion and make up your own laws.
Next, the psalmist tells us how hot and bothered he gets just thinking about being judged by god and begs him to make him understand it better. If you substitute 'spanking' for 'law' it gets pretty kinky.
Then there's the inevitable request for mercy and a recap of all the times it helped him in the past and the invariable plea for more attention. And of course to punish the wicked. Never forget to curse the wicked!
Then he starts bragging about how, thanks to god's law, he's smarter than anyone. No self-awareness whatsoever, after all those verses about proud and arrogant people.
The psalmist loves law more than gold. I guess no one told him how frequently those two things go together. He also pants when he thinks about how much he loves it (v. 131). I told you it's kinky.
Then there are several verses about how god's word is so beautiful, it hurts to look at it. He also informs us that he prays seven times a day.
Psalm 120
This is the Psalm of the expat gone mad: he complains about how much he hates the locals, how they're all lying war-mongerers and asks god to please let him go home. You can never go home again, my friend.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Psalms 111-115: The home stretch
Psalm 111
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom (v. 10) I like my deities a little more upbeat, thanks.
Psalm 112
Some details about what good fearing god does you: you'll have children who will become mighty upon earth (v. 2), you'll be rich, gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous. (v. 4). You'll use good judgement, you'll be remembered forever, you'll never have to fear, your um, horn, will be blessed, your enemies will be destroyed. It's like having a fairy godmother!
Psalm 113
God elevates the poor to royal stations and makes infertile women fecund.
Psalm 114
A reminder to nature that it should also fear god.
Psalm 115
My god is better than your god! Why? Because my god is in the sky and your god is just some stinky idol made out of precious metal! Yours may have sensory organs, but he has no senses, just like you! Na-na-na boo-boo!
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom (v. 10) I like my deities a little more upbeat, thanks.
Psalm 112
Some details about what good fearing god does you: you'll have children who will become mighty upon earth (v. 2), you'll be rich, gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous. (v. 4). You'll use good judgement, you'll be remembered forever, you'll never have to fear, your um, horn, will be blessed, your enemies will be destroyed. It's like having a fairy godmother!
Psalm 113
God elevates the poor to royal stations and makes infertile women fecund.
Psalm 114
A reminder to nature that it should also fear god.
Psalm 115
My god is better than your god! Why? Because my god is in the sky and your god is just some stinky idol made out of precious metal! Yours may have sensory organs, but he has no senses, just like you! Na-na-na boo-boo!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Psalms 106-110: 1 drink when it says mercy, 2 when it says destroy
Psalm 106
A continued summation of Exodus and Numbers. And if you were drinking along to this chapter, you'd have to take 5 shots (3 mercies, 1 destroy).
Psalm 107
Yet more lamenting the events of Exodus, in this case the wandering around in the desert for 40 years. Only 1 mercy in this one.
Psalm 108
This is a repeat of Psalm... something I cannot be bothered to look up, in which god delineates which nations are in favour and which ones aren't. It's exactly the same list as last time. 1 mercy.
Psalm 109
David's back, venting his spleen on his enemies: he wants them to be ruled by Satan, overthrown, his children turned into beggars, extorted by the mafia, his workers to strike, for his name to be forgotten and for all his curses to bounce of me and stick to you. Oddly, there are 3 mercies in this verse.
Psalm 110
When god decides to start speaking to us again, he'll kill so many heathens their bodies will pile up all over the place and he'll wound their leaders in the heads. It just tugs at my heartstrings.
A continued summation of Exodus and Numbers. And if you were drinking along to this chapter, you'd have to take 5 shots (3 mercies, 1 destroy).
Psalm 107
Yet more lamenting the events of Exodus, in this case the wandering around in the desert for 40 years. Only 1 mercy in this one.
Psalm 108
This is a repeat of Psalm... something I cannot be bothered to look up, in which god delineates which nations are in favour and which ones aren't. It's exactly the same list as last time. 1 mercy.
Psalm 109
David's back, venting his spleen on his enemies: he wants them to be ruled by Satan, overthrown, his children turned into beggars, extorted by the mafia, his workers to strike, for his name to be forgotten and for all his curses to bounce of me and stick to you. Oddly, there are 3 mercies in this verse.
Psalm 110
When god decides to start speaking to us again, he'll kill so many heathens their bodies will pile up all over the place and he'll wound their leaders in the heads. It just tugs at my heartstrings.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Psalms 101-105: Is god a patient father or a toddler having a tantrum?
Psalm 101
Like many a kid hoping for a puppy for Christmas, Asaph promises to be reallysupergood if god will only talk to him. He won't look at wicked things, talk to wicked people, slanderers or the proud. He'll kick anyone who isn't righteous out of his house and slay all the evil-doers in the land. Sounds awfully boring and gory.
Psalm 102
Asaph compares his loneliness to that of pelicans, owls and sparrows and admits to eating ashes and drinking his own tears. Methinks we know why he's so lonely. Anyway, his life sucks because god is ignoring him.
Psalm 103
Asaph thanks god for curing diseases, being so slow to anger and so merciful. Um, I'm not sure he's read the rest of this book. Like the time God makes the entire nation of Israel walk around in the desert for 40 years because Moses hit a rock wrong, or when he sends them poison birds after they complain about not having enough meat. That god? Was pretty quick to anger and unmerciful. Of course all of this is only true for people who fear god, so maybe he has picked up on some of it.
Psalm 104
This one is a biggie in the whole scientists vs. the willfully ignorant permanent state of culture war we seem to have going on these days. It tells us about how god hung the heavens like a curtain, fixed the earth in place and once flooded the whole thing in a tantrum, but then got over it and put the water back in it's place. God also takes care of animals, providing food and drink for livestock and homes for birds, goats and rock badgers. To humans he gives wine, oil and bread. He made night so forest creatures could hunt, like lions, which to the best of my knowledge are diurnal, but whatevs (and which would seem to contradict the claims of literalists that, before the flood, all animals were vegetarians, since night existed then, too.)
Anyway, god made the seas and the whales and make sure everybody has something to eat.
But when god turns his face away from all the creatures great and small, they die. He also tells them when to reproduce.
Of course this almost-sweet nature prayer has to end with a request to kill all the sinners in an earthquake.
Psalm 105
This Psalm is a retelling of the events of Genesis and Exodus.
Like many a kid hoping for a puppy for Christmas, Asaph promises to be reallysupergood if god will only talk to him. He won't look at wicked things, talk to wicked people, slanderers or the proud. He'll kick anyone who isn't righteous out of his house and slay all the evil-doers in the land. Sounds awfully boring and gory.
Psalm 102
Asaph compares his loneliness to that of pelicans, owls and sparrows and admits to eating ashes and drinking his own tears. Methinks we know why he's so lonely. Anyway, his life sucks because god is ignoring him.
Psalm 103
Asaph thanks god for curing diseases, being so slow to anger and so merciful. Um, I'm not sure he's read the rest of this book. Like the time God makes the entire nation of Israel walk around in the desert for 40 years because Moses hit a rock wrong, or when he sends them poison birds after they complain about not having enough meat. That god? Was pretty quick to anger and unmerciful. Of course all of this is only true for people who fear god, so maybe he has picked up on some of it.
Psalm 104
This one is a biggie in the whole scientists vs. the willfully ignorant permanent state of culture war we seem to have going on these days. It tells us about how god hung the heavens like a curtain, fixed the earth in place and once flooded the whole thing in a tantrum, but then got over it and put the water back in it's place. God also takes care of animals, providing food and drink for livestock and homes for birds, goats and rock badgers. To humans he gives wine, oil and bread. He made night so forest creatures could hunt, like lions, which to the best of my knowledge are diurnal, but whatevs (and which would seem to contradict the claims of literalists that, before the flood, all animals were vegetarians, since night existed then, too.)
Anyway, god made the seas and the whales and make sure everybody has something to eat.
But when god turns his face away from all the creatures great and small, they die. He also tells them when to reproduce.
Of course this almost-sweet nature prayer has to end with a request to kill all the sinners in an earthquake.
Psalm 105
This Psalm is a retelling of the events of Genesis and Exodus.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Pslams 96-100
Psalm 96
Sing! Sing out loud! Sing out proud! Sing out free! About how afraid you are of god. Because he's coming to judge us all.
Psalm 97
Today, god is surrounded by dark clouds that send out fire to burn up his enemies.
Psalm98
Blah blah blah. Sing and be judged.
Psalm 99
Worship god because he's holy. Or is he holy because we worship him?
Psalm 100
Seriously. There are 50 more of these. Worship god because he made you.
Sing! Sing out loud! Sing out proud! Sing out free! About how afraid you are of god. Because he's coming to judge us all.
Psalm 97
Today, god is surrounded by dark clouds that send out fire to burn up his enemies.
Psalm98
Blah blah blah. Sing and be judged.
Psalm 99
Worship god because he's holy. Or is he holy because we worship him?
Psalm 100
Seriously. There are 50 more of these. Worship god because he made you.
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