Chapter 9
You'll remember that way back in 1 Kings, god had the Israelites build a hideously-decorated temple to store Moses' crap in while he was 'between places.' Turns out it wasn't just Moses' stuff, it was also a pot of manna they were saving for the end times and Aaron's stick just in case they, I dunno, needed to hit someone or something. Oh, also all this had been sprinkled with mixed cow and goat blood. No wonder they never picked it up. You'll also remember that most of the priests could only go into the first chamber of the temple, and only the high priest could go into the inner chamber, and he had to bring blood with him, because god is Ron Swanson. But none of that got you into heaven! In fact, it was blocking the way to heaven. Nope, that was the old system, and now Jesus is taking us to an even better afterlife. So now we don't have to sacrifice things, because god is satisfied with Jesus' blood. Also, you can't have a testament without somebody dying.
Chapter 10
God cannot try you twice for the same sin. Since sacrifices are reminders of past sins, they actually offend him now. Jesus forgets our sins, except for those of his enemies, whom he uses as a footstool. Plus, I think whichever one of Moses' sons in law was running the meat market behind the temple is now out of favour. So now believers should encourage each other to do good works while they wait for the end times, and not dwell too gleefully on how the Jews are all going to hell when Jesus comes back.
Chapter 11
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not
seen (v. 1). Seems about right. Also, god created the universe, and what we see is not what we are made of.
Without faith, you can't please god. Then we get a list of people from the book of Genesis who supposedly pleased god, like Abel, who was murdered. Or Abraham, who was all set to kill his son Isaac on god's whim, a sort of practice Jesus. Or a bunch of nameless people who were tortured and asked for more because it meant a better afterlife.
Chapter 12
Strip off all that baggage of laws and sacrifices and just sit naked for a while and think about Jesus. And if you get scourged or told off, just know that it's god's way of showing his love for you. In fact, if god isn't abusing you, you're clearly a bastard and not a real son. In exchange for being tortured, you can't have premarital sex or swear. And you will get to climb a mountain. Not a physical mountain, like the one Moses went up, the one where if you touched it, they stoned you to death. No, you're going to god's metaphysical city on a hill, when he destroys the world.
Chapter 13
Be nice to other people, including slaves. And don't go to prostitutes. And be content with your lot in life, so you won't go seeking satisfaction through other religions.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Hebrews, Chapters 5-8: Snoozefest
Chapter 5
God selects priests to be his holy representatives. Also, Jesus didn't really want to die, but god brought him to heaven because he was obedient and now he's in heaven and a priest of Melchisedec. They would like to explain this further, but the audience is really dumb, so progress is slow. They should be teachers by now, but they're only going over the basics. 'Paul' calls them babies, unable to distinguish right from wrong.
Chapter 6
Now we're going to talk about perfection and the doctrine of baptisms, and of laying on of hands, and of resurrection of the dead, and of eternal judgment (v. 2). Thrilling. Ex-christians can never come back to the fold because it's like nailing Jesus to that cross all over again. Also, they're hell-bound. Not this congregation, of course! There's still hope for them. So work hard and remember that even Abraham had kids eventually and you'll get into heaven, where Jesus is waiting.
Chapter 7
Who is this Melchidesec that Hebrews is suddenly so enamoured with? Well, he's the king that met Abraham and blessed him after the slaughter of the kings way back in Genesis 14. Abraham gave him 10 percent of his war spoils. We know nothing else about this man, except that he's the reason you're supposed to pledge a tenth of your earnings to the church. According to 'Paul', the person who gives the blessing is better, as is the person who gets the tithes, because priests die, but Melchidesec is still out there, somewhere, like Godot. Also, if the Levite priests were so awesome, how come there's a new priestly order, hmm? And, here's the kicker: Jesus was from the tribe of Juda and he's also immortal. So there's a new priesthood, not based on blood, but on oath-taking and Jesus' priesthood is forever. And now barbecues, please, he's into promises, not sacrifices.
Chapter 8
We need a new covenant, because if the first one had been perfect, we wouldn't need a new one. So soon god will wash away the dirty old covenant.
God selects priests to be his holy representatives. Also, Jesus didn't really want to die, but god brought him to heaven because he was obedient and now he's in heaven and a priest of Melchisedec. They would like to explain this further, but the audience is really dumb, so progress is slow. They should be teachers by now, but they're only going over the basics. 'Paul' calls them babies, unable to distinguish right from wrong.
Chapter 6
Now we're going to talk about perfection and the doctrine of baptisms, and of laying on of hands, and of resurrection of the dead, and of eternal judgment (v. 2). Thrilling. Ex-christians can never come back to the fold because it's like nailing Jesus to that cross all over again. Also, they're hell-bound. Not this congregation, of course! There's still hope for them. So work hard and remember that even Abraham had kids eventually and you'll get into heaven, where Jesus is waiting.
Chapter 7
Who is this Melchidesec that Hebrews is suddenly so enamoured with? Well, he's the king that met Abraham and blessed him after the slaughter of the kings way back in Genesis 14. Abraham gave him 10 percent of his war spoils. We know nothing else about this man, except that he's the reason you're supposed to pledge a tenth of your earnings to the church. According to 'Paul', the person who gives the blessing is better, as is the person who gets the tithes, because priests die, but Melchidesec is still out there, somewhere, like Godot. Also, if the Levite priests were so awesome, how come there's a new priestly order, hmm? And, here's the kicker: Jesus was from the tribe of Juda and he's also immortal. So there's a new priesthood, not based on blood, but on oath-taking and Jesus' priesthood is forever. And now barbecues, please, he's into promises, not sacrifices.
Chapter 8
We need a new covenant, because if the first one had been perfect, we wouldn't need a new one. So soon god will wash away the dirty old covenant.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Hebrews, Chapters 1-4: You didn't build that
Chapter 1
God used to speak to us through all kinds of prophets, like Ezekiel, who used to bake bread over a fire made of his own crap, or Jeremiah, running around wearing a yoke and shrieking about Babylonian exile, or Isaiah, wandering the desert, naked and sans sunscreen. But then he got the (comparatively) brilliant idea to use just one prophet: Jesus, who came along to tell us the world is ending.
Chapter 2
Pay attention, because god is watching for your sins so he'll have an excuse to send you to hell. Yup, that's exactly what I got from Jesus as well. After all, he'll be in charge of the next world, not angels.
So why did god make men? And why does he care so bloody much what we think of him? And why are we in charge of everything? The answer, as always, is Jesus, who died for your sins. Why god would still be looking for reasons to cast you into the underworld is not clear. Also, Jesus' death was supposed to destroy the devil, so: fail. Also, because Jesus was tempted (he was?) he has sympathy for people who have also been tempted. Not enough to save them from hell, though.
Chapter 3
'Paul' (the author never even claims to be Paul) to Moses: you didn't build that, so you aren't as good as Jesus. Also, if you don't believe in god, you can't go to heaven and will have to wander the desert for 40 years like those old testament idiots.
Chapter 4
If you don't fear god and work hard, you won't go to heaven.
God used to speak to us through all kinds of prophets, like Ezekiel, who used to bake bread over a fire made of his own crap, or Jeremiah, running around wearing a yoke and shrieking about Babylonian exile, or Isaiah, wandering the desert, naked and sans sunscreen. But then he got the (comparatively) brilliant idea to use just one prophet: Jesus, who came along to tell us the world is ending.
Chapter 2
Pay attention, because god is watching for your sins so he'll have an excuse to send you to hell. Yup, that's exactly what I got from Jesus as well. After all, he'll be in charge of the next world, not angels.
So why did god make men? And why does he care so bloody much what we think of him? And why are we in charge of everything? The answer, as always, is Jesus, who died for your sins. Why god would still be looking for reasons to cast you into the underworld is not clear. Also, Jesus' death was supposed to destroy the devil, so: fail. Also, because Jesus was tempted (he was?) he has sympathy for people who have also been tempted. Not enough to save them from hell, though.
Chapter 3
'Paul' (the author never even claims to be Paul) to Moses: you didn't build that, so you aren't as good as Jesus. Also, if you don't believe in god, you can't go to heaven and will have to wander the desert for 40 years like those old testament idiots.
Chapter 4
If you don't fear god and work hard, you won't go to heaven.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Philemon, Chapter 1: A message from your bowels
Paul is still in prison, or back in prison, it's not clear. Having a lot of time on his hands, he sends a letter to Philemon and Apphia and Archippus, who run a church out of Philemon's living room. Anyway, Paul really likes them, to the point where the bowels of the saints
are refreshed by thee, brother (v. 7). He's writing because he's found Philemon's lost slave, Onesimus, who, it would seem, robbed his master and ran off, where he was unfortunate enough to encounter Paul. He has become a Christian, and as a reward, Paul is now sending him back to slavery. However, he urges Philemon to treat him kindly when he returns. Paul promises to repay Onesimus' debts, even though Philemon owes Paul for saving his soul. What he completely neglects to do in the letter though, is condemn slavery, as it might piss off one of his rich donors.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Titus, Chapters 1-3: World's worst advice column
Chapter 1
'Paul' (not Paul) reminds us that God, that cannot lie (v. 2) has promised to destroy the world and bring all his followers to heaven. He's writing to Titus, who is in Crete, and is having problems with his congregation. He reminds Titus that his assignment was to correct any false beliefs among the faithful and appoint new priests. He reminds us about the rules for priests: monogamous, well-behaved children, not a drunkard, hospitable, etc.
Titus' specific problem is those lying Jews, who are lying to the congregation and must be stopped. One of them went so far as to say The Cretians are always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies (v. 12). As if the bible has always been so tolerant of foreigners. 'Paul' wants him to rebuke the liars and convince them to return to the fold.
Chapter 2
'Paul' thinks old people are sober and wise, but that young women need to be taught to be
obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed (v. 3) and that young men are drunkards. Slaves should likewise be obedient to their masters and shouldn't steal. Everyone should be honest and do good works.
Chapter 3
Be good, but also remember that no matter how good you are, god will pick and choose who's going to heaven and who isn't. Avoid genealogy and unrepentant heretics.
'Paul' promises to sends reinforcements and invites Titus to spend the winter with him in Nicopolis. He tells him to bring two friends and a case of beer.
'Paul' (not Paul) reminds us that God, that cannot lie (v. 2) has promised to destroy the world and bring all his followers to heaven. He's writing to Titus, who is in Crete, and is having problems with his congregation. He reminds Titus that his assignment was to correct any false beliefs among the faithful and appoint new priests. He reminds us about the rules for priests: monogamous, well-behaved children, not a drunkard, hospitable, etc.
Titus' specific problem is those lying Jews, who are lying to the congregation and must be stopped. One of them went so far as to say The Cretians are always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies (v. 12). As if the bible has always been so tolerant of foreigners. 'Paul' wants him to rebuke the liars and convince them to return to the fold.
Chapter 2
'Paul' thinks old people are sober and wise, but that young women need to be taught to be
obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed (v. 3) and that young men are drunkards. Slaves should likewise be obedient to their masters and shouldn't steal. Everyone should be honest and do good works.
Chapter 3
Be good, but also remember that no matter how good you are, god will pick and choose who's going to heaven and who isn't. Avoid genealogy and unrepentant heretics.
'Paul' promises to sends reinforcements and invites Titus to spend the winter with him in Nicopolis. He tells him to bring two friends and a case of beer.
Monday, February 18, 2013
2 Timothy, Chapters 1-4: Are your ears itching?
Chapter 1
'Paul' (widely believed to be not Paul) is writing again to Timothy. Timothy is apparently a 3rd generation Christian, since his grandmother Lois was a convert, and his mother Eunice was also one. It does not mention whether they are secretaries, but with names like that, what else could they be?
He talks about the joys of loving god, but also the sorrows. Apparently no one in Asia likes him anymore, and he's in prison on Rome.
Chapter 2
'Paul' tells Timothy to be strong and stay away from non-christians and remember he knows everything because of Jesus, who is also allowing 'Paul' to endure his suffering. He reminds us that the end is near, so be good, don't talk about non-church things, like his current bugbears Hymenaeus and Philetus, who have convinced people that the resurrection already happened. But not to worry! God knows who the faithful are and Jesus will absolve you of your sins.
Then he goes on to talk about flatware. Rich people have all kinds of nice table settings that they should get rid of, and donate the money to the church. Instead they should eat off their crappy everyday plates. Also, be good and don't ask silly questions and be good to non-christians, because god might still save them in the end.
Chapter 3
In the end of days, men will turn evil and commit a long list of sins, perhaps the most interesting of which is that they will seduce silly women (v. 6) who are Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth (v. 7). But not to worry! We'll be able to identify them easily because of how foolish they'll look. 'Paul' talks some more about how he's been persecuted everywhere he goes, but that's just what christians have to put up wit and urges them to study their books because All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness (v. 16). That's also why we can't change a single word in this idiot book.
Chapter 4
Preach the word, because the time will come when people with itching ears (v. 2) will get desperate and will listen to anything anyone wants to talk to them about, which sounds like exactly the type of person you want joining your religion.
'Paul' is getting lonely in prison, because everyone except Luke has abandoned him, and begs Timothy to come see him and bring Mark. We don't find out why Luke isn't enough, like, is he one of those people who will not shut up about Girls even though you've never seen it and you think Lena Dunham's overrated? He also wants his cloak, some books and especially parchments. He also warns Timothy that he's fallen out with someone named Alexander the carpenter. Anyway, he signs off with love and kisses.
'Paul' (widely believed to be not Paul) is writing again to Timothy. Timothy is apparently a 3rd generation Christian, since his grandmother Lois was a convert, and his mother Eunice was also one. It does not mention whether they are secretaries, but with names like that, what else could they be?
He talks about the joys of loving god, but also the sorrows. Apparently no one in Asia likes him anymore, and he's in prison on Rome.
Chapter 2
'Paul' tells Timothy to be strong and stay away from non-christians and remember he knows everything because of Jesus, who is also allowing 'Paul' to endure his suffering. He reminds us that the end is near, so be good, don't talk about non-church things, like his current bugbears Hymenaeus and Philetus, who have convinced people that the resurrection already happened. But not to worry! God knows who the faithful are and Jesus will absolve you of your sins.
Then he goes on to talk about flatware. Rich people have all kinds of nice table settings that they should get rid of, and donate the money to the church. Instead they should eat off their crappy everyday plates. Also, be good and don't ask silly questions and be good to non-christians, because god might still save them in the end.
Chapter 3
In the end of days, men will turn evil and commit a long list of sins, perhaps the most interesting of which is that they will seduce silly women (v. 6) who are Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth (v. 7). But not to worry! We'll be able to identify them easily because of how foolish they'll look. 'Paul' talks some more about how he's been persecuted everywhere he goes, but that's just what christians have to put up wit and urges them to study their books because All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness (v. 16). That's also why we can't change a single word in this idiot book.
Chapter 4
Preach the word, because the time will come when people with itching ears (v. 2) will get desperate and will listen to anything anyone wants to talk to them about, which sounds like exactly the type of person you want joining your religion.
'Paul' is getting lonely in prison, because everyone except Luke has abandoned him, and begs Timothy to come see him and bring Mark. We don't find out why Luke isn't enough, like, is he one of those people who will not shut up about Girls even though you've never seen it and you think Lena Dunham's overrated? He also wants his cloak, some books and especially parchments. He also warns Timothy that he's fallen out with someone named Alexander the carpenter. Anyway, he signs off with love and kisses.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
1 Timothy, Chapters 1-6: Everything offensive about the entire book
Chapter 1
'Paul' (widely considered to be not Paul) is writing to Timothy in Ephesus, where he apparently left him when he went to Macedonia. He asks Timothy for news, and specifically instructs him Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies (v. 4). Then he starts right in on laws, which are not written for righteous (v. 9) people, but for perverts, kidnappers and murderers. He reminds us once again that he used to be a blasphemer himself and even calls himself the chief sinner, but says it's fine because he was ignorant at the time. He's now writing to Timothy with instructions on dealing with similar sinners in Ephesus, two of whom he calls out by name: Hymenaeus and Alexander (v. 20).
Chapter 2
The first thing to do is pray. Well, the men should pray. Women should adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array (v. 9) and then learn in silence with all subjection, because I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence (v. 11-12). Actually, let Pastor Deacon Fred read it out loud to you. It's terrifying. Anyway, how does Paul justify all this? Well, Adam was first and he was smarter than Eve, at least until her magical vagina convinced him to eat the apple. Anyway, if you do all that, you won't have pain in child birth.
Chapter 3
Now, the rules for how to be a bishop: You can't be polygamous or a drunkard (which 'Paul' repeats 3 times, leading me to believe he was drunk when he wrote this) nor own a lot of gold; you have to have good control of your children; you can't be a new convert, but you still need ties to the outside. Finally, you have to be a member of the church in good standing. Even though your wife must take no role in the church, she still needs to be a sober and faithful person.
Chapter 4
As the end times draw near, people will be seduced by evil spirits and will stop marrying and turn vegetarian, when actually, god put all those delicious, meaty animals on earth so we can eat them. No, never mind that other letter that the (possibly) real Paul wrote a few books ago about how it's better not to marry unless you're super horny! He also tells us not to listen to fables and that exercise isn't necessary. This chapter ought to quell any doubts anyone out there is having about whether the bible is a great lifestyle guide.
Chapter 5
Be nice to people, except widows with children or grandchildren, who should learn piety at home by taking care of her. Failure to do so makes them worse than infidels. If a widow is over 60, doesn't have children, and isn't out carousing at night, she can pray, and maybe god will take care of her. If she's under 60, though, don't give her shit, because eventually she'll get horny and remarry someone who isn't a christian. Besides which, young widows are just idle busybodies who go from house to house spreading gossip. Nope, better for women who still can to get married and have kids so they'll be too busy to rebuke people or think about Satan. Other rules: be nice to old people, especially leaders, and real widows, pay workers, only accuse old people of crimes if 2 or 3 people saw it, rebuke sinners in public, drink wine, never mind what he said in just the last chapter, don't hit people unless they hit first.
Chapter 6
Slaves, honour your masters, especially if they're christians, too. People who disagree are know-nothings and will only pervert you, so stay away. Remember that we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out (v. 7) and be happy as long as you have food and clothing. Rich people are prone to lusts and since the love of money is the root of all evil (v. 9), why not donate all yours to the church? Paul signs off with love and kisses and hopes to see them all in the afterlife.
'Paul' (widely considered to be not Paul) is writing to Timothy in Ephesus, where he apparently left him when he went to Macedonia. He asks Timothy for news, and specifically instructs him Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies (v. 4). Then he starts right in on laws, which are not written for righteous (v. 9) people, but for perverts, kidnappers and murderers. He reminds us once again that he used to be a blasphemer himself and even calls himself the chief sinner, but says it's fine because he was ignorant at the time. He's now writing to Timothy with instructions on dealing with similar sinners in Ephesus, two of whom he calls out by name: Hymenaeus and Alexander (v. 20).
Chapter 2
The first thing to do is pray. Well, the men should pray. Women should adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array (v. 9) and then learn in silence with all subjection, because I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence (v. 11-12). Actually, let Pastor Deacon Fred read it out loud to you. It's terrifying. Anyway, how does Paul justify all this? Well, Adam was first and he was smarter than Eve, at least until her magical vagina convinced him to eat the apple. Anyway, if you do all that, you won't have pain in child birth.
Chapter 3
Now, the rules for how to be a bishop: You can't be polygamous or a drunkard (which 'Paul' repeats 3 times, leading me to believe he was drunk when he wrote this) nor own a lot of gold; you have to have good control of your children; you can't be a new convert, but you still need ties to the outside. Finally, you have to be a member of the church in good standing. Even though your wife must take no role in the church, she still needs to be a sober and faithful person.
Chapter 4
As the end times draw near, people will be seduced by evil spirits and will stop marrying and turn vegetarian, when actually, god put all those delicious, meaty animals on earth so we can eat them. No, never mind that other letter that the (possibly) real Paul wrote a few books ago about how it's better not to marry unless you're super horny! He also tells us not to listen to fables and that exercise isn't necessary. This chapter ought to quell any doubts anyone out there is having about whether the bible is a great lifestyle guide.
Chapter 5
Be nice to people, except widows with children or grandchildren, who should learn piety at home by taking care of her. Failure to do so makes them worse than infidels. If a widow is over 60, doesn't have children, and isn't out carousing at night, she can pray, and maybe god will take care of her. If she's under 60, though, don't give her shit, because eventually she'll get horny and remarry someone who isn't a christian. Besides which, young widows are just idle busybodies who go from house to house spreading gossip. Nope, better for women who still can to get married and have kids so they'll be too busy to rebuke people or think about Satan. Other rules: be nice to old people, especially leaders, and real widows, pay workers, only accuse old people of crimes if 2 or 3 people saw it, rebuke sinners in public, drink wine, never mind what he said in just the last chapter, don't hit people unless they hit first.
Chapter 6
Slaves, honour your masters, especially if they're christians, too. People who disagree are know-nothings and will only pervert you, so stay away. Remember that we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out (v. 7) and be happy as long as you have food and clothing. Rich people are prone to lusts and since the love of money is the root of all evil (v. 9), why not donate all yours to the church? Paul signs off with love and kisses and hopes to see them all in the afterlife.
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