Matthew, Chapters 20 & 21: Jesus H. Crankypants

Chapter 20

Jesus tells yet another one of his confusing parables, this time about a man who goes to the marketplace to hire some pickers for his vineyards and agrees to pay them a penny for a day's work. He keeps going back at 3-hour intervals and hiring more pickers for the same wage. At the end of the day, he pays those hired at the eleventh hour (v. 9) first. The others grumble, but he points out that they negotiated that wage, so shove it up your butt. Some politicians apparently interpret this passage to mean that Jesus is against minimum wages, but he actually goes on to explain that this somehow demonstrates how few people will actually get into heaven.

With those final, inspiring words, Jesus heads off to Jerusalem to die. He's in the middle of telling his disciples exactly what's going to happen when a pushy stage mother interrupts to say she wants her two sons to sit on either side of him when he gets to heaven. Jesus says he can baptise them and even take them out for dinner, but where they'll sit in heaven is up to god. The other disciples resent these late interlopers, but Jesus tells them to chill.

As they walk, people keep coming up to them and asking for healing. He restores sight to a couple of blind dudes on his way.

Chapter 21

In the effort to leave no prophecy unfulfilled, Jesus instructs his disciples to go and steal an ass and her colt, because Zechariah said he would arrive on two donkeys. Then people start throwing their clothes and branches on the path the donkey takes, in an early version of a red carpet.

Jesus rides the donkeys right into the temple, where he throws the moneychangers out, saying they have made it a den of thieves. (v. 13) I always thought he did that as a kid, but maybe one of the other gospels will contradict this version. Naturally, as soon as the temple is cleared, the sick and lame start showing up, which pisses off the priests, because how on earth are they supposed to extract rent from these people? They ask Jesus if he hears what people are saying, and he's like um, yeah, have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise? (v. 16)

At some point, Jesus gets bored and goes back to his hotel, which does not serve breakfast. As he's going back into the city to stir shit up, he comes across a fig tree that isn't in season and therefore doesn't have any fruit. Like many of us, he's cranky without breakfast, so he curses the fig tree, which dies. The disciples are amazed and ask how he did that. He answers that with faith, they can do anything they want, even move mountains into the sea. Go ahead and try that one at home, kids.

Having vented his spleen at the tree, Jesus makes his way back to the temple, where the pissed-off priests demand to see his permit. He replies that he'll show them his permit if they'll answer one question for him. They stupidly agree. The question is, was John the Baptist's baptism divine or human? They put their heads together, and come up with, we don't know. Jesus, jaw dropping at how easily outsmarted they were, goes on with the riddle he was planning to follow up with:

A man has two sons. He tells the first one to go and work in the vineyard. The son, having hit the bars a little too hard the night before, at first refuses, but after some McDonald's and an aspirin, goes out and gets to work. The man then goes to his second son with the same instruction. This son says he'll get right on it, then sinks back into the sofa and flicks the TV back on. Jesus asks which son did his father's will. The prophets reply that the first one does. Jesus tells them that hookers and bartenders will get into heaven before them, because they believed in John, and even after they'd seen proof of his divinity, they still didn't repent. I'm pretty sure that's not an answer.

But Jesus isn't done talking circles around the hapless priests. He tells another parable about an absentee landlord who sends his stewards out to the vineyard to collect the rent from his tenants. The tenants beat and kill them. They do the same to another group of stewards. Then they do it again to his son. Finally the landlord himself shows up. Jesus asks the priests what they think will happen next. They predict that the landlord will kill them and rent his land out to less stroppy tenants.

Jesus informs them that he's the landlord and they're the bad tenants. He gives them a chance to convert, but says if they don't he'll grind them into powder. This pisses the priests off, but they daren't arrest him because the people like him so much.

Matthew, Chapter 19: Auto-castration is best

Jesus gets bored in Galilee and heads for Judea, where he keeps on healing people. The Pharisees are also there, nagging him now about divorce. Jesus' famous answer: Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.' (v. 4-6) Seems pretty clear to me. And yet, Christians divorce all the time. Just ask Newt Gingrich.

The Pharisees point out that Moses allowed divorce, but Jesus rejoins that it was only allowed because they loved their country so much. Whoops! That was Gingrich again. Actually, their hearts were hard, but god never intended to make divorce legal. He does make one concession: if your wife cheats on you, you may divorce her. But you cannot take another wife, nor can your wife remarry. Again, why are those seven verses in Leviticus so important, but these ones aren't?

The disciples posit that perhaps then it's better to just not get married. Jesus agrees and expresses admiration for eunuchs, whether self-made or born that way, and highly recommends it to people who can handle it.

While this discussion of auto-castration and fornication is going on, a bunch of children show up. What would primitive Fox News say? He lays his hands on them, and the disciples protest. Jesus utters another famous line Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven (v. 14). One of the kids has a typical little kid question: what do I have to do to live forever? Jesus evades the question and tells him to follow the commandments. Which ones? Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. (v. 18-19) Except if you can count, that's only 6 commandments, and the last one isn't on either of the lists in Exodus.

The boy says he does all those things, so what's next? Jesus replies that he should sell all his worldly goods and join the cause. The boy very sensibly doesn't want to give up all his nice stuff, so he leaves, prompting a spiteful Jesus to say, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God (v. 24). The amazed disciples ask who can make it then? Jesus remains evasive, saying only with God all things are possible. (v. 25)

Paul wants more details about how the disciples are going to be rewarded in the afterlife. Jesus promises them 12 thrones from which they can judge the 12 tribes of Israel. People who give up everything, including family, friends and land, will be rewarded a hundredfold.

Matthew, Chapter 18: Torture is okay for subprime lenders

The disciples ask Jesus who is the fairest of them all in heaven. Jesus, ever theatrical, brings in a kid to answer Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. (v. 4)

Then he starts talking about who is going to heaven and who is going to hell. He repeats the bit about plucking out your eyes, and adds that hands and feet are also fair game. He also advises being nice to everyone, since you never know what disguise god is using today.

Next he has some instructions for what to do when your brother is being a dick: first, talk to him privately, but if he won't listen, gather some witnesses. If not even that works, put it before your church's congregation. If he ignores even that, you can write him off.

Jesus is really into consensus in this chapter, and promises that if two people on earth want something, god will make it so. G'head. Try that one at home with your family. Ask for a million bucks, or if you're the kids and your dad says you can't have a dog because they're smelly and he'll be the one who ends up taking care of it, pray to god to send you one.

Peter isn't satisfied with this loosey-goosey forgive thy brother crap. He wants statistics: how many times do you have to do it before you can write him off completely? Seven? Oh, no. You have to be one tolerant sumbitch I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. (v. 22) Now, I'm sure I've forgiven my brother more times than that, but his sins mostly consist of hogging the remote control.

To illustrate, he starts on the story of a king who discovers that he's loaned his slave One Million Dollars, which just strikes me as incredibly poor judgement. How is your slave, with no income or property, ever supposed to pay you back? The king also sees this problem and commands that the servant and his family be sold as repayment. The slave begs for forgiveness and promises he's good for every penny of it. The king stupidly lets him go. The slave immediately goes to another slave who owes him a hundred pence, takes him by the throat, and demands repayment. This second slave tries the Dumb and Dumber trick, but the first slave is clearly smarter than the king, if not a genius, and throws him into prison. The other slaves tell the king, who has the first slave tortured.

So what is Jesus' grand unifying message here? Slavery is soul-destroying? Don't torture people because it's evil? Subprime loans will destroy the entire planet's economy for at least 4 years? No, forgive your brother.

Matthew, Chapters 16 & 17: Jesus is on Team Edward

Chapter 16

Did you know that the signs of the times (v. 3) is biblical? I did not. Anyway, Jesus says it in response to his critics, who are merely asking him to prove that he is what he says he is.

His disciples show up hungry, and he warns them not to buy dinner from the Pharisees, but rather to have faith, like the loaves and fishes incidents. But he's not talking about bread! He's really talking about doctrine.

Jesus gets itchy feet again, so they go to Caesarea. On the way, Jesus asks what people are saying about him. Because he's a 12 year old girl. They say that people think he's the resurrected John the Baptist or a prophet. Still insecure, he asks the disciples what they think he is. Simon Peter quickly responds that he's the son of the living god and is made pope as a reward. Then he starts bumming them out with stories of how he's going to die.

Peter tells him not to be such a downer, and Jesus responds with Get thee behind me, Satan (v. 23) not five verses after making him the pope. Then he says they can come along if they want and they'll be rewarded.

Chapter 17

Six days later, Jesus takes Peter, James and John up a mountain and gets transfigured. Do all religions talk about this? Because I had no idea what it means. In fact, his face gets all glowy and his clothes turn white. So, he took a bath and did some laundry, then.

Moses and Elias then appear. Peter starts to say something about building temples, but god rudely interrupts and tells him to listen to Jesus. He tells them to keep all this a secret until he's risen from the dead. They start pestering him with questions about Elias, and he promises he'll come back and restore things. Then he starts talking about John the Baptist and curing epileptics with prayer, fasting and exorcism. Don't try that at home.

Next he starts talking about how he'll be betrayed and killed, but he'll come back three days later. Finally, the arrive in Capernum, where a toll collector asks for their money. Jesus balks at collecting entry fees for strangers but letting citizens in for free, which I completely agree with him about. But rather than offend the people, he tells Peter to go fishing and to take the coin from he mouth of the first fish he catches.

Matthew, Chapter 15: But mom! Jesus says I don't have to wash my hands

The Pharisees are about again, with their strongest argument yet for not following Jesus: he and his followers transgress the tradition of the elders, for they wash not their hands when they eat bread. (v. 2) That shit is gross, yo, especially in a culture that doesn't have things like clean running water or antibiotics.

Jesus has a counter-argument of course: the Pharisees defy god's traditions when they don't kill children who fail to honour their parents. Pharisees: 1, Jesus: 0. And wash your damned hands before you prepare or eat food.

Jesus stews over this argument for a bit, then decides to go for victory in numbers. He calls his multitudes over and tells them Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man. (v. 10-11) Nevertheless, wash your damned hands before you prepare or eat food. Then he comes out with one of his less charitable parables: Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch (v. 14)

Peter asks him to explain himself, and even Jesus is exasperated at this point, but he explains: those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man. (v. 18-20) Um, yes it does, Jesus. Eating without washing your hands is disgusting and can make you sick.

Jesus gets tired of arguing and goes over to Tyre and Sidon, where he is immediately accosted by a Canaanite woman whose daughter is possessed. He ignores her and she follows him, wailing loudly. The disciples are annoyed and ask him to send her away, and he answers I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. (v. 24) She starts grovelling at his feet, and he says he's stretched thin as it is, and helping her would be taking his much-needed resources away from his flock. She still won't shut up, so finally he heals the daughter just to make her go away.

Next he goes up a mountain. And people gather round with the sick and injured. He heals them and they start to worship him.

Three days later, everyone is still worshipping, but food supplies have run drastically low. So he repeats the loaves and fishes trick, then leaves for Magdala.

Matthew, Chapter 14: Too many Herods

Another Herod, not the one who ordered the killing of all the babies and subsequently died before any of them could be a threat to his rule back in chapter 2, thinks Jesus is the reincarnated John the Baptist, who was in prison back in chapter 11 but has apparently died off-screen.

We get the story in flashback. John was in prison not for baptising people, as you might think, but for telling the king's brother that his marriage was illegitimate. Herod wasn't planning to kill him, fearing riots, but then his niece danced so nicely at his birthday party that he let her make one wish. Her mother had coached her to say Give me here John Baptist's head in a charger. (v. 8) Which must have really sucked, because what she probably wanted was a pony and instead she gets a bloody head in a basket. Herod is reluctant, but he's even more reluctant to deal with the whining and sulking that comes with reneging on a promise to a teenage girl, so he does it. And she gets the head and takes it to her mother.

His followers take the body and bury it. Jesus hears about the death and goes out into the desert, because heaven forbid he let an opportunity to be dramatic go by. A bunch of people follow him and he starts healing. He gets so into it that soon it's evening and nobody's eaten anything all day. The disciples tell him to call it a day so everyone can have supper, but he says they have plenty of food. The disciples point out that five loaves and two fishes aren't going to cut it, as the crowd is up to 5000 people. Jesus tells them to bring the food to them, then looks up to heaven, then tells them to pass it out. In the end there are 12 baskets left over.

After dinner, Jesus finally does send the multitudes away, and tells his disciples to get on a ship and he'll meet them on the other side. Then he goes up a mountain and prays a bit. While he's there, a storm blows up on the sea, but he walks across it to the ship. The disciples are scared and think it's a spirit. He assures them that he isn't, but Peter says if he's really Jesus, he should ask him to come out onto the water as well. So Jesus does and of course Peter starts to doubt and sinks a bit, but Jesus lifts him up with an O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? (v. 31) and he's fine. Don't try that one at home unless you can swim.

Anyway, a lot more people are converted.

Matthew, Chapter 13: Parable fatigue

Jesus tries to take a day off and go to the beach, but his followers quickly find him and surround him. So he goes out to a ship and starts telling them parables. The first is about people sowing seeds, some of which end up in inhospitable conditions and other of which flourish. The disciples come along and ask him why he can't just say things outright rather than speaking in riddles. Jesus gives a confusing answer about rich people and the mysteries of heaven and prophecies.

Jesus then explains the parable: the seeds that ended up in poor soil are people who hear the word and believe it, but turn away when times are tough. They're going to hell. The seeds in good soil are the stalwarts and will go to heaven.

He then tells another confusing parable about a man who sows his fields, but then his slaves go along at night and sow weeds. He blames his enemies. He tells some more about how heaven is a mustard seed: crappy as a seed, but awesome as a tree, and about a woman mixing leaven in with her flour. Apparently a prophet predicted he would speak in parables and damnit, he is determined that that one will come true.

Jesus gets tired of reciting weird stories, so he sends the multitudes away and goes inside with his disciples, who demand an explanation of the parables. Seeds: good Christians. Weeds: non-believers, who will be burnt in hell like the weeds. I can't believe anyone was confused by that. Then he tells more parables about believers being rewarded and heaven while sinners burn in hell at the end of the world.

After his speech, Jesus decides to head home for a bit. Turns out his family isn't really speaking to him, so he petulantly refuses to do many good works while he's there.