Chapter 4
Solomon informs us that only his mother loved him, which may explain the 1000+ sex partners. He then waxes on some more about how important wisdom and instruction are, and that wickedness is to be avoided. Apparently wicked people can only sleep after they've done evil.
At the end of the chapter, he tells us to speak plainly and honestly, to look neither left nor right, and to keep our eyes on our own paths. Makes one wonder how he ever saw so many women or came to build a bigger house than god's, complete with its own elevated gold bathtub, if he's so humble and modest.
Chapter 5
Back to Solomon's second favourite theme: the treachery of women, especially foreign ones. If you go into their houses, they'll take all your money and you'll die, alone and broke. Also god doesn't like it. So what you should do is love your first wife forever, which I would be all in favour of if the author DIDN'T HAVE 700 WIVES.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Proverbs, Chapters 2-3: Hansel and Gretel and the bible
Chapter 2
The key to wisdom is still fearing god. Remember, the person who said this is most famous for having 700 wives and 300 concubines and for trying to cut a baby in half. Fortunately, us modern folk have Wikipedia and don't have to rely on him.
The secondary key is to avoid strange women, especially going into their houses, because as fairy tales have taught us well, no one ever comes out.
Chapter 3
This one starts off promisingly, with verse 3: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart, but then immediately dissembles in verse 5, advising us to Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In other words, don't think for yourself, trust in your religious leaders. It does not say what to do if your religious leaders seem bent on holy war or inquisition or are just plain batshit crazy.
Of course, if you're rich and lazy, another path to wisdom is to buy it. If you donate money and make sacrifices, you'll get a tenfold return on your investment in the form of flowing wine cellars and full barns.
Solomon, wise advocate for abusive deities everywhere, gives the typical wife/husband/child-beaters explanation for god's poor self-control in verse 12: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Then of course, we get a good verse in 13: Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. Yes, as long as he goes to the library and finds it, not if he looks in Jerry Falwell's annotated stupidity.
A treatise on the wonders of wisdom: it's better than silver, gold or rubies, assuming you don't have to eat. God is wise, and if you follow his commandments, you'll end up in paradise. Assuming you don't, you know, hit a rock the wrong way like Moses and end up sentenced to wandering around the desert for 40 years.
Solomon closes out the chapter with a few more good verses about justice, being kind to your neighbour, not picking stupid fights, and only oppressing people when it's strictly necessary.
I want to like this book, especially since it isn't Psalms, but like so much of the bible, it's a mixed bag: a good verse or two about wisdom and justice, followed by entreaties xenophobia and enriching Solomon's treasury.
The key to wisdom is still fearing god. Remember, the person who said this is most famous for having 700 wives and 300 concubines and for trying to cut a baby in half. Fortunately, us modern folk have Wikipedia and don't have to rely on him.
The secondary key is to avoid strange women, especially going into their houses, because as fairy tales have taught us well, no one ever comes out.
Chapter 3
This one starts off promisingly, with verse 3: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart, but then immediately dissembles in verse 5, advising us to Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In other words, don't think for yourself, trust in your religious leaders. It does not say what to do if your religious leaders seem bent on holy war or inquisition or are just plain batshit crazy.
Of course, if you're rich and lazy, another path to wisdom is to buy it. If you donate money and make sacrifices, you'll get a tenfold return on your investment in the form of flowing wine cellars and full barns.
Solomon, wise advocate for abusive deities everywhere, gives the typical wife/husband/child-beaters explanation for god's poor self-control in verse 12: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Then of course, we get a good verse in 13: Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. Yes, as long as he goes to the library and finds it, not if he looks in Jerry Falwell's annotated stupidity.
A treatise on the wonders of wisdom: it's better than silver, gold or rubies, assuming you don't have to eat. God is wise, and if you follow his commandments, you'll end up in paradise. Assuming you don't, you know, hit a rock the wrong way like Moses and end up sentenced to wandering around the desert for 40 years.
Solomon closes out the chapter with a few more good verses about justice, being kind to your neighbour, not picking stupid fights, and only oppressing people when it's strictly necessary.
I want to like this book, especially since it isn't Psalms, but like so much of the bible, it's a mixed bag: a good verse or two about wisdom and justice, followed by entreaties xenophobia and enriching Solomon's treasury.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Proverbs, Chapter 1: Pearls of wisdom from an idiot
Yes! No more Psalms! On to Solomon's advice book. Let us never forget that despite everyone telling us how smart Solomon was, the only actual evidence we have of his brilliance is that he once tried to cut a baby in half.
Chapter 1
Solomon starts off his self-help book by telling us The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge (v. 7). Jerry Falwell informs us: 'it is a healthy fear, like the fear of electricity' which just underlines the importance of science education, so you won't be afraid of your own light bulbs.
Then he tells us to obey our parents and not to succumb to peer pressure from sinners. Solomon's ideas of what today's youth are up to are much the same as any old person's ever in the history of the world, 'in my day, sinning was breaking your curfew and sneaking into clubs to hear your favourite band play, but kids today, they rob you and murder you without a second thought!'
Wisdom, apparently, has never heard the expression, 'The medium is the message,' because she wanders around the streets calling out to people to follow her or when their destruction comes, she'll laugh at them and ignore their pleas for help. Because people totally believe crazy street preachers.
And so ends the first chapter.
Chapter 1
Solomon starts off his self-help book by telling us The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge (v. 7). Jerry Falwell informs us: 'it is a healthy fear, like the fear of electricity' which just underlines the importance of science education, so you won't be afraid of your own light bulbs.
Then he tells us to obey our parents and not to succumb to peer pressure from sinners. Solomon's ideas of what today's youth are up to are much the same as any old person's ever in the history of the world, 'in my day, sinning was breaking your curfew and sneaking into clubs to hear your favourite band play, but kids today, they rob you and murder you without a second thought!'
Wisdom, apparently, has never heard the expression, 'The medium is the message,' because she wanders around the streets calling out to people to follow her or when their destruction comes, she'll laugh at them and ignore their pleas for help. Because people totally believe crazy street preachers.
And so ends the first chapter.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Psalms 146-150: The best thing about this book is that it ends
Psalm 146
Trust no one except god. God made the earth. God judges the wicked, sets prisoners free, feeds the hungry, cures blindness, frees slaves, helps the righteous, is kind to widows, orphans and strangers and awful to the wicked. Repeat something often enough, it will at least start to sound true.
Psalm 147
More of god's good deeds: he built Jerusalem, rescued the Israelites (from a situation he himself created, let's not forget), heals broken hearts and bones, named all the stars, helps the weak, punishes the wicked, gives us rain, makes the grass grow, feeds the animals, makes the wheat grow, causes seasons, winds and tides.
Psalm 148
Everything, from mountains to dragons, should praise the lord.
Psalm 149
We should praise god not just with singing and tambourines (though those are important), but also with swords, which we should use to exact vengeance on heathens and to tie up their kings and nobles.
Psalm 150
The instruments we should use to praise god: trumpets, psaltries (lutes), harps, tambourines, dancing, stringed instruments, organs, cymbals.
Finally! This book full of vicious invective about dropping coals on enemies and smacking their children against rocks is done. On now to Proverbs, the supposed collection of Solomon's wisdom. While reading it, let's not forget that this is the guy who wanted to cut a baby in half.
Trust no one except god. God made the earth. God judges the wicked, sets prisoners free, feeds the hungry, cures blindness, frees slaves, helps the righteous, is kind to widows, orphans and strangers and awful to the wicked. Repeat something often enough, it will at least start to sound true.
Psalm 147
More of god's good deeds: he built Jerusalem, rescued the Israelites (from a situation he himself created, let's not forget), heals broken hearts and bones, named all the stars, helps the weak, punishes the wicked, gives us rain, makes the grass grow, feeds the animals, makes the wheat grow, causes seasons, winds and tides.
Psalm 148
Everything, from mountains to dragons, should praise the lord.
Psalm 149
We should praise god not just with singing and tambourines (though those are important), but also with swords, which we should use to exact vengeance on heathens and to tie up their kings and nobles.
Psalm 150
The instruments we should use to praise god: trumpets, psaltries (lutes), harps, tambourines, dancing, stringed instruments, organs, cymbals.
Finally! This book full of vicious invective about dropping coals on enemies and smacking their children against rocks is done. On now to Proverbs, the supposed collection of Solomon's wisdom. While reading it, let's not forget that this is the guy who wanted to cut a baby in half.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Psalms 141-145: Nasty, brutish and short
Psalm 141
The Psalmist asks god to stop him from doing evil, and begs him to let the righteous smite him. Death by cop? He says he doesn't care if his bones are scattered when he dies, because his eyes will be heavenward. And of course, he asks god to smite the wicked.
Psalm 142
David is feeling neglected, but he's still crafty: he won't pray until god gets him out of whatever trouble he's in.
Psalm 143
David is feeling persecuted and comforts himself by remembering the halcyon days of yore, when god actually spoke to him, and smote his enemies and so on.
Psalm 144
Praise be to god for teaching us to fight in war! Christianity is a religion of peace, be damned. Anyway, the psalmist would like god's help in smiting a few enemies, just some volcanoes and lightening. Then he can sing to god to make everything hunky-dory.
Psalm 145
God is slow to anger. Uh-huh. And he's nice to children and animals. Except Babylonian babies. He helps all that call out to him. This psalm is all propoganda.
The Psalmist asks god to stop him from doing evil, and begs him to let the righteous smite him. Death by cop? He says he doesn't care if his bones are scattered when he dies, because his eyes will be heavenward. And of course, he asks god to smite the wicked.
Psalm 142
David is feeling neglected, but he's still crafty: he won't pray until god gets him out of whatever trouble he's in.
Psalm 143
David is feeling persecuted and comforts himself by remembering the halcyon days of yore, when god actually spoke to him, and smote his enemies and so on.
Psalm 144
Praise be to god for teaching us to fight in war! Christianity is a religion of peace, be damned. Anyway, the psalmist would like god's help in smiting a few enemies, just some volcanoes and lightening. Then he can sing to god to make everything hunky-dory.
Psalm 145
God is slow to anger. Uh-huh. And he's nice to children and animals. Except Babylonian babies. He helps all that call out to him. This psalm is all propoganda.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Psalms 136-140: Bash babies' heads against rocks for god!
Psalm 136
Every verse of this psalm ends in for his mercy endureth forever. It's mesmerising. So what are some examples of god's enduring mercy? Well, there's the earth and the sea and the heavens... and the time he killed all those Egyptian children, drowned the soldiers and killed a bunch of kings so the Israelites could have their property.
Psalm 137
If you think Russian baby yoga is child abuse, this is not the psalm for you. It starts off as a lament for the Israelite exile in Babylon, which is fine, but then the last two verses are addressed to Babylonian mothers O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (v. 8-9). I haven't talked about Jerry Falwell's bible for a long time, but this is his commentary on this Psalm: 'The vividness of the final verse is justified if one remembers a simple fact: baby Babylonians grow up to be big Babylonians. The hope that their babies will die is the prayer that no new Babylonian generation will arise seeking the worldwide dominion through cruel oppression.' Proof yet again that supposedly 'pro life' Christians only care about babies so long as they're inside their mothers' bodies, but don't give a hoot once they're out in the world.
Psalm 138
Immediately after killing babies with stones, the psalms go back to praising god for being a source of comfort in hard times. Except when somebody kills your child.
Psalm 139
God is your Facebook stalker, the one who catalogues your every word and gesture, even, apparently if you go to hell. There are some more scary-stalker verses about how god watches us when we sleep, followed by an imprecation to please, please, please kill the wicked.
Psalm 140
Another listing of the sins of the wicked. This time the psalmist would like god to please drop burning coals on their heads and/or throw them into the fire.
Every verse of this psalm ends in for his mercy endureth forever. It's mesmerising. So what are some examples of god's enduring mercy? Well, there's the earth and the sea and the heavens... and the time he killed all those Egyptian children, drowned the soldiers and killed a bunch of kings so the Israelites could have their property.
Psalm 137
If you think Russian baby yoga is child abuse, this is not the psalm for you. It starts off as a lament for the Israelite exile in Babylon, which is fine, but then the last two verses are addressed to Babylonian mothers O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (v. 8-9). I haven't talked about Jerry Falwell's bible for a long time, but this is his commentary on this Psalm: 'The vividness of the final verse is justified if one remembers a simple fact: baby Babylonians grow up to be big Babylonians. The hope that their babies will die is the prayer that no new Babylonian generation will arise seeking the worldwide dominion through cruel oppression.' Proof yet again that supposedly 'pro life' Christians only care about babies so long as they're inside their mothers' bodies, but don't give a hoot once they're out in the world.
Psalm 138
Immediately after killing babies with stones, the psalms go back to praising god for being a source of comfort in hard times. Except when somebody kills your child.
Psalm 139
God is your Facebook stalker, the one who catalogues your every word and gesture, even, apparently if you go to hell. There are some more scary-stalker verses about how god watches us when we sleep, followed by an imprecation to please, please, please kill the wicked.
Psalm 140
Another listing of the sins of the wicked. This time the psalmist would like god to please drop burning coals on their heads and/or throw them into the fire.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Psalms 131-135: There's some oil in your beard
Psalm 131
Whoa! David actually manages to stay humble for 3 whole verses.
Psalm 132
David swears not to rest until he finds a suitable dwelling place for god, then quickly decides to put the ark of the covenant on Ephratah before he can, you know, get sleep-deprived or anything. He reminds god about how he promised to keep his family on the throne as long as they kept the covenant and promises to feed the poor in return. I find myself hugging democracy.
Psalm 133
Brotherly unity (or a unified Israel, depending who you want to believe) is like the anointing oil that ran down Aaron's head, into his beard, and down his garments. Yuck.
Psalm 134
If you were to take a drink every time you see the word bless, you'd be drunk by the time you finished this psalm, even though it's only 3 verses.
Psalm 135
God does whatever he wants, which mostly consists of natural disasters and smiting people and giving their land to Israel. Oh, and heathen idols suck and Aaron's family rules.
Whoa! David actually manages to stay humble for 3 whole verses.
Psalm 132
David swears not to rest until he finds a suitable dwelling place for god, then quickly decides to put the ark of the covenant on Ephratah before he can, you know, get sleep-deprived or anything. He reminds god about how he promised to keep his family on the throne as long as they kept the covenant and promises to feed the poor in return. I find myself hugging democracy.
Psalm 133
Brotherly unity (or a unified Israel, depending who you want to believe) is like the anointing oil that ran down Aaron's head, into his beard, and down his garments. Yuck.
Psalm 134
If you were to take a drink every time you see the word bless, you'd be drunk by the time you finished this psalm, even though it's only 3 verses.
Psalm 135
God does whatever he wants, which mostly consists of natural disasters and smiting people and giving their land to Israel. Oh, and heathen idols suck and Aaron's family rules.
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