Psalm 66
We're all supposed to sing unto God, How terrible art thou in thy works! through the greatness of thy power shall thine enemies submit themselves unto thee (v. 3). To each his own, I guess. We're reminded of the events of Exodus, which apparently was a test, along with a time when he let people ride over their heads. Once again, why does a supposedly omniscient god need to test us, exactly?
Psalm 67
Praise be to god for judging us!
Psalm 68
Finally, a few of the good things god does: adopts orphans, protects widows, frees slaves and brings rain. He also let his people win a war so they could take home the spoils, even the shepherds.
Next, a paean to hills: god makes hills because he wants to live in one, apparently. Then we get an accounting of god's 20 000 chariots and angels and how he used them to capture people so they'd give him prezzies.
Then more threats: god will give his enemies head wounds, especially if they have hair. Then the righteous will have to dip their feet in the blood and their dogs will eat it. Yum! What's the point of all this? Silver (v. 30). That's right. God wants silver from his enemies.
Psalm 69
David's family has rejected him because of his religious beliefs. In the next few verses, we get a better idea of why: he's consumed by zealotry, he's been fasting and he wears sackcloth. I have to say that if any member of my family was acting like that, I'd get him or her into cult deprogramming right away, but that probably didn't exist back then so the next best thing was to reject your crazy son and go back to worshipping your pantheon of nature gods.
The rest of society has also noticed David's peculiarity: he's even a drinking song. I'd read 50 more Psalms just to know what the lyrics are but alas the bible disappoints once again. People won't even give him proper meat and wine, just gall and vinegar.
And what does he get for all this? Nothing! God won't answer him. He's reduced again to cursing his enemies, this time wishing blindness, Parkinson's disease, homelessness and death.
Next, David cheaps out on sacrifices, saying prayers are better than beef. I would kick him out of my barbecue if he pulled that one.
Psalm 70
David wants god to hurry up and curse his enemies. Fortunately, the chapter is only 5 verses.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Psalms 61-65
Psalm 61
God save the king!
Psalm 62
More threats to enemies, all of which will be carried out by god. I'm quaking in my boots. Also, don't extort money or steal and if you are rich, don't get too attached.
Psalm 63
David wants god to feed his enemies to the foxes.
Psalm 64
If you don't praise god, he'll shoot you with an arrow. Is that clear? It's not conversion by the sword, dammit, it's by the arrow.
Psalm 65
Everyone is afraid of god, even sailors out at sea and people living on remote mountaintops.
Then the psalm changes abruptly to the voice of a farmer praising god for all the bountifulness of the earth: irrigation, fertile soil, rain, corn and sheep.
God save the king!
Psalm 62
More threats to enemies, all of which will be carried out by god. I'm quaking in my boots. Also, don't extort money or steal and if you are rich, don't get too attached.
Psalm 63
David wants god to feed his enemies to the foxes.
Psalm 64
If you don't praise god, he'll shoot you with an arrow. Is that clear? It's not conversion by the sword, dammit, it's by the arrow.
Psalm 65
Everyone is afraid of god, even sailors out at sea and people living on remote mountaintops.
Then the psalm changes abruptly to the voice of a farmer praising god for all the bountifulness of the earth: irrigation, fertile soil, rain, corn and sheep.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Psalms 56-60: God and playground politics
Psalm 56
David vows to put his trust in god to destroy his enemies. Are there no other reasons to pray to god?
Psalm 57
Blah, blah, blah. Save David from his enemies whose teeth are like arrows and whose tongues are like swords. Sounds like David is on the outs in the 7th grade playground.
Psalm 58
If you thought David had said all there is to be said about the wicked, you would be wrong. Nope, now we find out that they're wicked from the get-go, telling lies straight out of the womb. They're poisonous and can't be won over by the righteous. The only thing that can be done is for god to break their teeth, cut them into pieces and melt them as a snail (v. 8). Then the righteous can have a party and bathe their feet in blood. Sounds like an awesome kegger!
Psalm 59
More on David's enemies: god should kill them for barking like dogs and burping, and he should laugh while he's doing it. I'd laugh if they can burp the alphabet, because I'm five. In the same verse (10) David asks the god of mercy...[to] let me see my desire upon mine enemies, which doesn't seem very merciful to me. Oh, except in the next verse he asks god not to kill them, just to strip them of their power and scatter them and turn them into beggars.
Psalm 60
David asks god to stop the earthquakes and the wine of astonishment (v. 3) because of that time Joab killed 12 000 people. God actually replies, listing the countries he likes and doesn't like. Good: Gilead, Manasseh, Ephraim, Judah, Philistea. On the outs: Moab (a washpot), Edom (he threw a shoe). David asks god to give him the strength to conquer Edom
David vows to put his trust in god to destroy his enemies. Are there no other reasons to pray to god?
Psalm 57
Blah, blah, blah. Save David from his enemies whose teeth are like arrows and whose tongues are like swords. Sounds like David is on the outs in the 7th grade playground.
Psalm 58
If you thought David had said all there is to be said about the wicked, you would be wrong. Nope, now we find out that they're wicked from the get-go, telling lies straight out of the womb. They're poisonous and can't be won over by the righteous. The only thing that can be done is for god to break their teeth, cut them into pieces and melt them as a snail (v. 8). Then the righteous can have a party and bathe their feet in blood. Sounds like an awesome kegger!
Psalm 59
More on David's enemies: god should kill them for barking like dogs and burping, and he should laugh while he's doing it. I'd laugh if they can burp the alphabet, because I'm five. In the same verse (10) David asks the god of mercy...[to] let me see my desire upon mine enemies, which doesn't seem very merciful to me. Oh, except in the next verse he asks god not to kill them, just to strip them of their power and scatter them and turn them into beggars.
Psalm 60
David asks god to stop the earthquakes and the wine of astonishment (v. 3) because of that time Joab killed 12 000 people. God actually replies, listing the countries he likes and doesn't like. Good: Gilead, Manasseh, Ephraim, Judah, Philistea. On the outs: Moab (a washpot), Edom (he threw a shoe). David asks god to give him the strength to conquer Edom
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Psalms 51-55
Psalm 51
David feels guilty, though not enough to confess his sins to us. The only thing he'll admit to is that his mother conceived him in sin (v. 5). She had sex ya'll. Anyway, David wants to be washed with hyssop and made whiter than snow (v. 8) and have all his broken bones mended.
Suddenly, David tells us that god doesn't want sacrifices anymore. I rub my eyes, thinking by some miracle I've reached the New Testament without noticing, but no, this verse may have been written later on, but it's still in the Old. Damn.
Psalm 52
David, going all the way back to one of the many massacres in 1 Samuel, reproaches Deog, who killed a bunch of priests on Saul's orders in chapter 22. David accuses him of lying, which is pretty rich, considering, and says god's going to kill him for that and good people will laugh at him.
Psalm 53
David laments the sinning sinners and tells us god looked down and didn't see a single good person among us. Cheering! And not at all an impossible standard to live up to!
Psalm 54
David asks god to smite his enemies. Again. Seriously, like Proust this book would be much better if it were, say, 1500 pages shorter.
Psalm 55
David wants to go camping and get away from his enemies. Oh, and while he's gone, could god please destroy the cities, which are full of wickedness, deceit, sorrow and mischief? Especially this one guy who pretended to be his friend and even went to pray with him, but then somehow turned out to be false? Could he just kill all those people and send them to hell? Kthanksbye.
David feels guilty, though not enough to confess his sins to us. The only thing he'll admit to is that his mother conceived him in sin (v. 5). She had sex ya'll. Anyway, David wants to be washed with hyssop and made whiter than snow (v. 8) and have all his broken bones mended.
Suddenly, David tells us that god doesn't want sacrifices anymore. I rub my eyes, thinking by some miracle I've reached the New Testament without noticing, but no, this verse may have been written later on, but it's still in the Old. Damn.
Psalm 52
David, going all the way back to one of the many massacres in 1 Samuel, reproaches Deog, who killed a bunch of priests on Saul's orders in chapter 22. David accuses him of lying, which is pretty rich, considering, and says god's going to kill him for that and good people will laugh at him.
Psalm 53
David laments the sinning sinners and tells us god looked down and didn't see a single good person among us. Cheering! And not at all an impossible standard to live up to!
Psalm 54
David asks god to smite his enemies. Again. Seriously, like Proust this book would be much better if it were, say, 1500 pages shorter.
Psalm 55
David wants to go camping and get away from his enemies. Oh, and while he's gone, could god please destroy the cities, which are full of wickedness, deceit, sorrow and mischief? Especially this one guy who pretended to be his friend and even went to pray with him, but then somehow turned out to be false? Could he just kill all those people and send them to hell? Kthanksbye.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Psalms 46-50: Men in labour
Psalm 46
God helps us in times of natural disaster. Right. I don't know if anybody noticed that even good Christian houses get knocked flat during the disasters mentioned just in this chapter: earthquakes, mudslides, hurricanes and volcanic eruptions.
Next, David talks about a utopic place where he plans to build a temple. Then finally he claims god is peaceful and breaks weapons and burns chariots, which just seems like a wasteful way to increase your military budget.
Psalm 47
Aw, David feels like singing and wants us to be his back-ups.
Psalm 48
David talks more about his holy city. When a group of kings passed by it, they saw how perfect it was, but also felt fear and the same pains as women in labour feel. That's right there in verse 6. They were so afraid they had to leave. David then invites god to come and inspect the city.
Psalm 49
David reminds us that the winner of the rat race is still a rat who can't even bribe god to let his brother into heaven. I'm sure the worlds billionaires cry all the way to their gigayachts over that one.
Psalm 50
Yay! One third finished!
David thinks his people are ready to be judged, because they've been sacrificing a lot lately. He then promises that if the barbecuing continues apace, god will help them out in times of trouble. The wicked, however, will be rebuked sharply and possibly ripped to pieces. So much for that peaceful god from a couple of verses ago.
God helps us in times of natural disaster. Right. I don't know if anybody noticed that even good Christian houses get knocked flat during the disasters mentioned just in this chapter: earthquakes, mudslides, hurricanes and volcanic eruptions.
Next, David talks about a utopic place where he plans to build a temple. Then finally he claims god is peaceful and breaks weapons and burns chariots, which just seems like a wasteful way to increase your military budget.
Psalm 47
Aw, David feels like singing and wants us to be his back-ups.
Psalm 48
David talks more about his holy city. When a group of kings passed by it, they saw how perfect it was, but also felt fear and the same pains as women in labour feel. That's right there in verse 6. They were so afraid they had to leave. David then invites god to come and inspect the city.
Psalm 49
David reminds us that the winner of the rat race is still a rat who can't even bribe god to let his brother into heaven. I'm sure the worlds billionaires cry all the way to their gigayachts over that one.
Psalm 50
Yay! One third finished!
David thinks his people are ready to be judged, because they've been sacrificing a lot lately. He then promises that if the barbecuing continues apace, god will help them out in times of trouble. The wicked, however, will be rebuked sharply and possibly ripped to pieces. So much for that peaceful god from a couple of verses ago.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Psalms 41-45: The king is Hugh Hefner!
Psalm 41
The first three verses offer up a paean to the charitable. Then, of course, it's ten verses of David feeling sorry for himself and whining about how mean and awful his enemies have been: spreading rumours, eating him out of house and home, trying to overthrow him, in other words, typical teenage stuff. So he asks god to make them sick and kill them whilst elevating David. What was that about charity?
Psalm 42
David is so lonely he's been eating his tears. I'm not making this up. He tries a new tactic to get god to pay attention to him: his enemies are taunting him, saying his god doesn't exist, so he challenges god to show up and prove them wrong!
Psalm 43
Blah, blah, David's feeling ignored. Seriously, people talk about how inspiring and uplifting they find these things. Methinks they haven't actually read most of them.
Psalm 44
Yay war poetry! David reminds us of all the legends where god saved his people from their enemies and promises to put his faith there in future wars as well. Then he remembers all the times god has let him down and his enemies have won. So confusing! But he vows to keep believing, like people who decide to keep having kids 'until we have a boy' and end up with 8 girls.
Psalm 45
Suddenly, incongruously, we have a love song to the king. The work of Jonathan? The king is good looking, especially when he's on a horse (though I suspect not as good-looking as this guy) and powerful but just. Oh, awesome! I hadn't read this entire thing when I posted the link to the Old Spice Guy, but verse 8 tells us how good the king's clothing smells. Am I psychic or what?
The king's daughters are honourable (v. 9), which I think is a tactful way of saying 'got hit with the ugly stick' and his wife looks hot in gold.
The psalmist then encourages all the nubile young virgins out there to forget also thine own people, and thy father's house (v. 10) and offer themselves to the king. If they do, the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour (v. 12). But that's not all! If they can convince their friends to come along, they'll all get new clothes and their sons will be princes and they'll be immortalized forever. In Playboy. Okay, that last part was only implied.
The first three verses offer up a paean to the charitable. Then, of course, it's ten verses of David feeling sorry for himself and whining about how mean and awful his enemies have been: spreading rumours, eating him out of house and home, trying to overthrow him, in other words, typical teenage stuff. So he asks god to make them sick and kill them whilst elevating David. What was that about charity?
Psalm 42
David is so lonely he's been eating his tears. I'm not making this up. He tries a new tactic to get god to pay attention to him: his enemies are taunting him, saying his god doesn't exist, so he challenges god to show up and prove them wrong!
Psalm 43
Blah, blah, David's feeling ignored. Seriously, people talk about how inspiring and uplifting they find these things. Methinks they haven't actually read most of them.
Psalm 44
Yay war poetry! David reminds us of all the legends where god saved his people from their enemies and promises to put his faith there in future wars as well. Then he remembers all the times god has let him down and his enemies have won. So confusing! But he vows to keep believing, like people who decide to keep having kids 'until we have a boy' and end up with 8 girls.
Psalm 45
Suddenly, incongruously, we have a love song to the king. The work of Jonathan? The king is good looking, especially when he's on a horse (though I suspect not as good-looking as this guy) and powerful but just. Oh, awesome! I hadn't read this entire thing when I posted the link to the Old Spice Guy, but verse 8 tells us how good the king's clothing smells. Am I psychic or what?
The king's daughters are honourable (v. 9), which I think is a tactful way of saying 'got hit with the ugly stick' and his wife looks hot in gold.
The psalmist then encourages all the nubile young virgins out there to forget also thine own people, and thy father's house (v. 10) and offer themselves to the king. If they do, the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour (v. 12). But that's not all! If they can convince their friends to come along, they'll all get new clothes and their sons will be princes and they'll be immortalized forever. In Playboy. Okay, that last part was only implied.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Psalms 36-40: Paging Doctor God
Psalm 36
The wicked are evil lying liars. They even plot bad deeds in their beds, which they don't lie in properly. But god is good and makes the beds of the righteous soft and comfortable.
Psalm 37
Don't worry about evil-doers because god will cut them down like grass. I had no idea they were so concerned about lawn maintenance back then.
Blah, blah, prosperity doctrine, just believe in god and you won't go hungry. There's a good line about renouncing anger in verse 8, but then verse 11 informs us that the meek shall inherit the earth which, if you've ever seen a genuine emergency situation like Haiti or Pakistan recently, you'll know is patently untrue. The people fighting to get stuff off the trucks might get pummeled, but the ones queuing up calmly in the back are assured of getting nothing.
In the next couple of verses, we are informed that the wicked plot against the good, like, no shit Sherlock, they're evil, but that god laughs at them because he's going to punish them. Someday. In the future. Why not swift, immediate justice? David doesn't say.
A few things the wicked do: fail to repay loans and kill the righteous. Their punishment: god makes them stab themselves in the heart, breaks their arms and makes them infertile.
Rewards for the good: inheritance of the earth, food, children, wisdom, salvation.
Psalm 38
Uh-oh, god's mad! And he made David sick as punishment. David's symptoms: arrows stuck in his body, a crushing sensation, generalised weakness, tired bones, seeping wounds, especially on his uh, penis, feebleness, a panting heart, blindness. He thinks the cure is god's attention. I think the attention of a naked Shunamite virgin would probably also help.
Psalm 39
David once made a vow to stop talking. Would that he had kept it. Now he wants to know when he's going to die. Don't we all. Also, he wants to talk and for god to listen.
Psalm 40
Now that he has started talking again, David can't seem to shut up. Here he brags about how much he loves god and evangelizes to everyone he meets.
The wicked are evil lying liars. They even plot bad deeds in their beds, which they don't lie in properly. But god is good and makes the beds of the righteous soft and comfortable.
Psalm 37
Don't worry about evil-doers because god will cut them down like grass. I had no idea they were so concerned about lawn maintenance back then.
Blah, blah, prosperity doctrine, just believe in god and you won't go hungry. There's a good line about renouncing anger in verse 8, but then verse 11 informs us that the meek shall inherit the earth which, if you've ever seen a genuine emergency situation like Haiti or Pakistan recently, you'll know is patently untrue. The people fighting to get stuff off the trucks might get pummeled, but the ones queuing up calmly in the back are assured of getting nothing.
In the next couple of verses, we are informed that the wicked plot against the good, like, no shit Sherlock, they're evil, but that god laughs at them because he's going to punish them. Someday. In the future. Why not swift, immediate justice? David doesn't say.
A few things the wicked do: fail to repay loans and kill the righteous. Their punishment: god makes them stab themselves in the heart, breaks their arms and makes them infertile.
Rewards for the good: inheritance of the earth, food, children, wisdom, salvation.
Psalm 38
Uh-oh, god's mad! And he made David sick as punishment. David's symptoms: arrows stuck in his body, a crushing sensation, generalised weakness, tired bones, seeping wounds, especially on his uh, penis, feebleness, a panting heart, blindness. He thinks the cure is god's attention. I think the attention of a naked Shunamite virgin would probably also help.
Psalm 39
David once made a vow to stop talking. Would that he had kept it. Now he wants to know when he's going to die. Don't we all. Also, he wants to talk and for god to listen.
Psalm 40
Now that he has started talking again, David can't seem to shut up. Here he brags about how much he loves god and evangelizes to everyone he meets.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)