Monday, January 21, 2013

Colossians, Chapters 1-4: Circumcised by Jesus

Chapter 1

'Paul' (probably not Paul) is writing to his faithful followers in Colossae, who he does not know personally, but about whom he has been hearing good things from his friend Epaphras.

Chapter 2

Paul has been struggling for the Colossian congregation and another one at Laodicea, both of whom have been tempted by false preachers. He informs them that they have been circumcised, not by a Mohel but by Jesus, and not actually but spiritually. Also, when you get baptised you die and then you're reborn. Another thing Jesus did: nail the Old Testament laws to the cross. So no one can tell you what to eat or drink or when to party like it's 62AD. In fact, you don't have to follow any earthly rules at all! Rules are for fools and don't actually help you to keep your base nature in check.

Chapter 3

Sex and death. Death and sex. Since the world is ending and Jesus is coming back, we need to put our best feet forward, which means no more fornicating, nay, not even lusting after people, greed or evil concupiscence (v. 5), whatever that is. Also, no anger, blasphemy, swearing or lying, which will be hard, considering we lie 10 times a day. Anyway, trade all that fun stuff in for meekness, humbleness, forgiveness, charity, because that's what Jesus would do.

All that jazz in the last chapter about the lack of need for rules? Well, that was only for the firstborn sons of firstborn sons. Wives need to submit to their husbands, husbands need only love their wives, children have to be obedient, and parents shouldn't provoke their children and finally, slaves need to obey their masters, even when they're out of the room.

Chapter 4

Slave owners need to be just and fair to their slaves. What that means, or how that's possible with that kind of power dynamic in place is not explained. Try to be an interesting conversationalist so you can convert people.

Paul informs them that he's sending his associate Tychicus and Onesius to them and also sends regards from a bunch of other people and asks them to forward the letter to Laodicea when they've finished.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Phillipians, Chapters 1-4: Greetings from the bowels of Christ

Chapter 1

Paul and Timotheus send their greetings from Christ's bowels. I am not making this up. He also has some serious topics to discuss, namely strife and envy and how much he's looking forward to dying when Jesus comes back and destroys the world. Also, he wants them to know that even if he's not there, his spies report back on what happens in their congregation.

Chapter 2

If there's a good thing about living in Christs intestinal tract, it's that everyone thinks the same and is humble and compassionate. Also, even though we're in his bowels, we have to kneel every time his name is mentioned. And don't bitch about it, because you're setting an example for those godless heathens around you.

He promises to send Timotheus along, and hopes to make an appearance himself, but only if god wants it. He's also sending Epaphroditus, who is feeling better, thanks to god, who also spared Paul all the grief of finding a new apostle.

Chapter 3

It's been a whole 3 chapters since anyone mentioned foreskins, so Paul opens this chapter with 5 verses on circumcision. To sum up, it was a Jewish thing. Christians are much more concerned about where you go when you die.

Paul reminds us that he was a Pharisee and therefore is circumcised. But now he only cares about faith and death and resurrection.

Chapter 4

They say that anything you put online will still be there in a thousand years. So imagine the embarrassment and shame of two women, Euodias and Syntyche, who had a fight two thousand years ago that got them into the bible. Paul entreats them to kiss and make up so they can go to heaven. Oh, and whoever sent him a sacrifice? Thanks, but he doesn't need those anymore.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Ephesians, Chapters 4-6: Submit you wives, children and slaves

Chapter 4

It's very important for christians to stick together in one belief system, because there is only one god, who sent us people like 'Paul' to clarify that system for us. When we've worked it all out, we'll stop being children chasing after faddish, satanic prophets. So the gentiles have to throw off their old sinning ways and follow Christ, which means no lying, no going to bed angry, stop stealing, don't piss the holy spirit off, be  nice and forgive people. All very good things, if only they were the sole subject of this book.

Chapter 5

See, here's where all the stuff in the previous chapter, no matter how nice it is, is negated by the bullshit that makes up the rest of the book. So here's how not to be a christian: fornicating, failing to shower, jealousy, idle chitchat, drinking. All those things, no matter how vital to a functioning society, will lead you straight to hell.

And then we get to the biggest, steamiest pile of bullshit in the book: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (v. 22-23). Men, on the other hand, only have to love their wives, because they aren't property. And then we get to the creepiest verse of them all: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh (v. 31)

Chapter 6

Children need to be obedient, but parents shouldn't seek to piss them off, either. Slaves have to obey their masters, which good ole Jerry, a card-carrying member of the 1 percent, takes to mean that employees should seek the best for their employers. In the end, whether you were a slave or a free man, you'll get your reward in heaven. Never on earth, of course. That would be... fair, or something. Masters shouldn't threaten their slaves. Everybody has to be strong in the lord and put on his armour to fight off Satan. 'Paul' lists off the various bits of armour: the shield of faith (v. 16) and the helmet of salvation (v. 17) and of course, prayer.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Ephesians, Chapters 1-3: Living in sin

Chapter 1

'Paul' (probably not Paul) sends his blessings to the Ephesians, and a reminder: god picked you before he made the world, and whether you're going up or down after is already determined. Why this means you can't sleep until noon and spend the day watching The Real Housewives of Toledo and eating potato chips, because you can't change your fate, is not explained. All this is true because of Jesus dying, which also gave us wisdom and sound judgement and enlightenment. Which again, I don't see the use of, since everything was decided, at least according to my crazy creationist yet oddly useful bible comparison website, sometime before 4000 BCE.

Chapter 2

A cheery reminder that all christians used to live in sin, under the command of the devil, which at least was fun, because you go to indulge in the lusts of our flesh (v. 3), but was also occasionally punished by god. But god decided to forgive us by sending his son to be slaughtered alongside criminals, then force you to believe in him, so somehow that makes everything okay? I guess? Also, you can't buy salvation through circumcision.

Because of course we're never finished talking about foreskins. This particular congregation is apparently made up entirely of ex-gentiles and therefore not privy to the wonderous nature of cutting of a little band of flesh. But now they're friends with god, and they don't even have to mutilate themselves.

Chapter 3

Before, gentiles couldn't know god, but now they can, thanks to 'Paul.' Fortunately, this is a short book, because it's super-repetitive.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Galatians, Chapters 4-6: Go castrate yourself!

D'oh! One of my New Year's resolutions in 2012 was to finish reading the bible and I've still got 17 books and just under 300 pages to go. Hopefully I'll have this sucker done with by 2014.

Chapter 4

You won't amount to much until you die. Because, see, a christian is a child of Christ, a kid might as well be a slave until he grows up to inherit his father's wealth, and you won't get any of that until death.

Before the congregation got to know god, they were slaves to other gods. And yet, now they're turning back to their old habits and Paul's worried he's done all this work in vain. He wants to stay with them until they die, see. He links it all to Abraham and his two sons, Isaac, the result of divine promise, and Ishmael, the result of unprotected sex with a slave girl. Christians are Isaac, being persecuted by Ishmael, the Jews. And as the scripture says, they need to cast out Hagar and Ishmael, because they're free.

Chapter 5

Whatever you do, don't get circumcised. Jesus, who was circumcised, no longer likes it and won't allow you into heaven on the basis of presence or absence of a bit of penile skin. What will get you in? faith which worketh by love (v. 6). This entire chapter is a treasure trove of famous biblical sayings. Just 3 verses later we get A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump (v. 9) But here it's about bad people putting false ideas into believers' heads.

Speaking of agitators, Paul wants them to self-castrate, just like he wants believers to love one another without giving into the sins of the flesh, which Freud might call your id and which is constantly battling with the holy spirit, or superego. These two forces are at constant war with each other, and both keep you from doing what you want.

Among the more fun sins of the flesh: fornication, drunkenness and orgies. You're supposed to nail them to the cross with Jesus. On the other side, you've got the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance (v. 22-23)

Chapter 6

If someone succumbs to temptation, help him without succumbing yourself. Don't be an egoist. Work hard. Be faithful. Don't sin. Take joy in doing good turns. Don't believe people who try to convince you to get circumcised.